Forgetting to Breathe

by Megan E. Bean

“You sure did,” she chuckled. “You snored a little, too.”

  “Shut up,” I said, covering my face with my hands. How embarrassing.

  She grabbed my hands gently and pulled them away from my face. “It’s okay, it was cute. They were soft little snores,” She comforted me.

  “How embarrassing.”

  “No, that’s not embarrassing,” she said. “What’s embarrassing was you drooling on my jacket.”

  I was mortified. I drooled on her? Oh my God.

  She suddenly burst into laughter and I realized she was joking.

  “You are such a jerk!” I slapped her on her arm.

  “Yes, but that was funny,” she defended herself as we left the theater.

  When we arrived to my house, I took my time getting out of the car and up to my door—I didn’t want our date to end. We stood there, talking for a few moments. The conversation consisted mostly of her laughing at her joke earlier.

  I started shivering due to the cold, but I fought through it. It was a school night, so I couldn’t invite her in, unfortunately.

  “Are you cold?” she asked me.

  “No, I’m fine,” I lied.

  “You’re shivering, Engles,” she said with an eyebrow raised.

  “No, I’m not,” I denied. I didn’t want to go inside.

  “Here,” she said, peeling off her golf team jacket. She draped it over my shoulders and I wrapped it tighter to my body.

  “Are you sure? I’ll be inside in a second, I don’t need to take it from you,” I said, but praying that she wouldn’t take it back.

  “No, keep it,” she insisted. “Plus, you look really good in it,” she finished and winked at me.

  My heart fluttered. I wondered if I would ever get used to her complimenting me.

  “But hey, I’m gonna let you go inside and get some sleep, you square,” she joked and I begrudgingly agreed. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Engles.”

  That’s when she leaned in and kissed me. It was a soft kiss. She tasted like the Twizzlers we had eaten in the theater. Her hand on the side of my face was cold, but I was so flushed from the kiss that I didn’t care.

  She pulled away and smiled that beautiful smile at me before leaving. Leaving me speechless, too. I leaned against the doorway, watching her Jeep pull away. I could still feel her lips on mine.

  I smiled and walked into my house. Once in my room, I fell on my bed, wrapped in her jacket, replaying the night’s events.

  Chapter 12

  After my incredible date with Keira, I felt elated, but something was missing too. When I curled into bed, I didn’t have my best friend to text and gush about it with.

  So, the next day at school, I made it my mission to track Jennifer down.

  She was still missing at lunch. I knew she was at school, though, because I saw her in between classes. I tried to draw her attention, but she acted like she didn’t hear me.

  “Have you seen Jennifer?” I asked Ariel.

  “No, she said she wasn’t eating lunch with us today. I think her car is still here, though,” she answered.

  Where the hell could she be? I had checked the bathrooms. I checked her fourth period class room. The only place left was her car, so I headed out to the parking lot.

  I spotted her light blue VW Beetle, and sure enough, she was in it. I walked up to the passenger door and opened it. She must not have noticed me, because she jumped.

  “What are you doing?” she snapped, cleaning up the sandwich she had dropped in her lap.

  I sat down. “The real question is, what are you doing?” I said, matching her attitude. I was sick of her being distant. She needed to tell me what was going on.

  “I’m eating lunch. Or attempting to,” she sighed, frustrated.

  “Not that. In general. What are you doing?”

  “I was just trying to get some peace and quiet, Ashley,” she responded.

  “Peace and quiet? From what?” I shouldn’t have sounded so angry, but I was frustrated.

  “From everything.”

  “What do you mean everything’? What could possibly be troubling you?”

  “By everything I mean you!” she yelled at me now. I was taken back.

  “Me?” I asked. As well as angry, I now felt hurt as well.

  “Yes, you.” She threw her sandwich onto her dashboard and got out of her car, slamming her door behind her. I immediately followed.

  “What did I do, Jennifer?” I said, angrily. She continued storming away from me. “Jennifer!”

  She turned around now. “Ashley, leave me alone, okay?”

  “No, not until you tell me what I did wrong,” I demanded.

  She took a deep breath before answering me. “You are too self-absorbed to see that I am hurt by what you’re doing.”

  I didn’t understand. “What are you talking about?”

  “Did it ever occur to you that I regret being your little pawn to land some girl?” she spewed at me before leaving.

  Maybe she was right. Maybe I was too self-absorbed, because I didn’t think of her feelings at all.

  I sat down on one of the concrete slabs and sighed.

  “Little pawn?” I heard a voice behind me and immediately recognized it. Keira. Great.

  * * * *

  “What is she talking about?” Keira asked me, sitting next to me on the concrete.

  What was I going to say? How could I explain our plan to her? I had lied to her.

  I couldn’t lose her and Jenny. It was already hard enough losing them both the previous time. Now, I was in too deep to lose her. Last night was amazing, and I would be heartbroken if I never got to experience it again.

  “I don’t know,” I halfheartedly lied to her.

  “I think you do,” she said, matter-of-factly. “A little pawn to land some girl.”

  I was busted. I needed to just tell her the truth. Even if she walked away from me. Better to have loved and lost, right? I sighed.

  “Okay, it’s really stupid,” I said, hoping she would stop me there. She was waiting for me to continue. “When you and I first met, you asked if I was into girls, remember?” She nodded. “And I lied about it, remember?” She nodded again. “Well, it’s because you made me nervous.”

  “Why did I make you nervous?” she interjected, curious.

  “I just…you did. That’s not important,” I answered, trying to avoid a blush from creeping up my neck. She smiled and I continued. “Well, I wanted to tell you that I lied, but I didn’t know how to. Jenny convinced me that we could pretend to be in a relationship. That way, you would get the message and Sadie wouldn’t see me as a competitor. The truth is, there never was a love relationship between Jenny and me. We’ve been best friends, but that’s all,” I finished and looked at her, anxious. I couldn’t read her. “It was an awful thing to do and I’m so sorry, Keira. I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore.”

  I looked down at my shoes and braced myself for the impact.

  “Well, you’re right,” came her response finally. I looked up at her. I’m sure I looked pathetic. “It was really stupid.”

  “I know, I—”

  “But really sweet,” she cut me off and smiled.

  “Really?” Was she messing with me?

  “Yeah.” She grabbed my hand, gently stroking my thumb with hers. “It was a little more intricate than it needed to be, yes,” she chuckled. “But, hey, it worked.” She squeezed my hand in hers affectionately. “Plus, I’ve never had someone go through that much trouble just to get my attention.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m very dramatic at times,” I admitted and we laughed.

  “Well, it was unnecessary, by the way.”

  “Hmm?” I asked. I was concentrating on her hand in mine and had no clue what she was talking about now.

  “You trying to get my attention.” She looked at me and I was still lost. She chuckled. “You didn’t have to try to get my attention. You had it from the second I saw you in math that day.”
r />   I can’t begin to explain the effect her words had on me. I was floating on air. I was breathless. I was smiling like an idiot. The butterflies in my stomach felt like they had burst.

  “Oh,” came my reply. She just smiled in return and got up, extending her hand to help me up.

  “Let’s get back to school, Engles.”

  Chapter 13

  That following weekend, Keira and I were inseparable. Jennifer still wasn’t speaking to me or eating lunch with us. It was hard for me to digest, but Keira was there for me through it all. She told me that Jenny would come around eventually. I hoped she was right.

  We both had the weekend off from golf and school president duties, so we just hung out at my house all weekend. She was nervous to meet my mother, which was extremely sweet to me.

  “What if she doesn’t like me?” she asked, sounding extremely worried. I chuckled a little. She was adorable right now.

  “She is going to,” I reassured her.

  “You don’t know that. She might not. And what if she doesn’t? Are you going to leave me?” she asked, all in one breath.

  Leave her? Was she hinting that we were together?

  “Leave you?” I asked, curiously.

  “Sup, losers?” my brother interrupted, and I wanted to kill him. I wanted to know if she had meant we were together.

  “Check your football record, loser,” Keira quipped. He dramatically clutched his heart before flipping her off, causing her to snicker.

  They got along really well. It must be some jock thing.

  “Where’s Mom?” I asked him, ignoring their show down.

  “She’s in the backyard, doing garden shit,” he answered before plopping down on the leather couch.

  “Come on, let’s go,” I ushered my new almost-girlfriend to the back door. She tried protesting, but I prevailed.

  “Hey, Mom!” I greeted as I opened the door and stepped onto the patio, Keira nervously standing behind me, hiding.

  My mother turned around and a huge grin grew on her face. “Hi, honey. And is this the famous Keira?” She walked over to us, holding out her hand.

  I internally died. The famous Keira? Way to make me seem obsessed.

  Keira held out her hand and shook my mother’s.

  “What are you girls up to today?” my mother asked, perkily.

  “Probably just hanging out here. Watch some movies or something,” I answered.

  “Great! Can you girls help me with something really quick?” she asked, cheerfully.

  I groaned.

  “Of course,” Keira answered, quickly.

  “Suck up,” I muttered so that only she could hear me. She gently nudged me in return.

  “I just need help taking these ugly wind chimes down,” she answered, shooting me a look. She had heard me.

  We went to the side of the house and grabbed the ladder. I held it steady for Keira to climb up. She insisted I climb it, but I faked a fear of heights. Truth is, I wanted an excuse to look at her butt.

  She glanced over her shoulder, down to me and smirked. I was busted.

  “Oh, thank you, girls!” my mother exclaimed, breaking the moment.

  “It’s no problem, Ms. Engles,” Keira replied.

  “Ms. Engles. How proper of you.” She giggled, loving it. “I like this one, Ashley,” she said.

  “Okay, okay,” I tried stopping her. “We are going to go watch TV now.”

  “Oh, come on. I’ll make some drinks and we can have some girl time. I want to get to know your girlfriend,” she said and I freaked out. She just called her my girlfriend.

  “We aren’t girlfriends, Mom,” I blurted out. I looked over to Keira, hoping I hadn’t hurt her feelings.

  “Yet,” my mother and Keira simultaneously said. This caused my mother to burst into a fit of giggles and Keira to smile.

  I blushed, for many different reasons. This was going to be a long day.

  * * * *

  “What was Ashley like as a kid?” Keira asked and I mentally prepared myself for the embarrassment that was going to follow. She was coming out of her shell now.

  We were all sitting at the island in the kitchen, eating sandwiches that my mom had made.

  “Oh my gosh, where to begin,” my mother smiled widely and racked her brain for the memories. Keira stared at her, in anticipation. “So, there was this one time. We had her over at her grandmothers and she was still a baby, so we gave her baths in the kitchen sink then,” she started and I was mortified. This story? She ignored my protests and continued. “So, her grandmother and I were washing her and all of a sudden, a little piece of poop is floating in the water,” she finished, and she and Keira broke into a roaring laughter. My face was bright red.

  “Oh my gosh!” My almost-girlfriend looked at me, trying to stop her laughing, to no avail.

  “Okay, that’s enough,” I tried staying strong. But, with how cute Keira looked right now, I had no chance.

  “And this one time when she was seven, her father got her a go-cart, for some ungodly reason. He let her go—she didn’t know which pedal were the gas and brake pedals. So, she’s off! Pressing the gas and headed straight for the neighbor’s car.”

  They were both so into the conversation, it was weirdly…pleasant.

  “And then what?” Keira pressed on.

  “She was screaming for her dad, panicking. And she just kept pressing the gas, trying to get it to stop, until she slammed into the car,” my mother continued, wheezing, she was laughing so hard.

  “Oh my God,” Keira chimed in, laughing just as hard as my mother.

  I tried keeping my composure, but couldn’t help but join in with their laughter.

  * * * *

  We hung out for a few hours with my brother, watching football. I hated football and didn’t understand it at all. Keira tried explaining it all to me, but I was hopeless. I gave her credit for trying, though.

  The day was going a lot better than I expected. I knew she would get along with my family, but I was still nervous when Keira arrived. I just liked her so much, I didn’t want anything to ruin things.

  After my football lesson, my mother decided we should have a board game night. We tried doing a game night once a month. We have done it since I can remember. Lately, my father wasn’t able to make them, but my mother, brother, and I all still enjoyed it.

  “So, do you want to play Scrabble or Monopoly?” my mother asked Keira—the guest of honor, as my mom referred to her.

  “Umm. How about Monopoly?” Keira answered.

  “Great choice!” my mother said, sitting down at the table. Monopoly was her favorite game. Mainly because she dominated at it.

  “Ugh,” my brother groaned. Keira looked worried that she had made the wrong decision.

  “Shut up, Brandon. You’re just upset, because you suck at this game,” I said to him, calming Keira’s nerves.

  He rolled his eyes at me and grabbed the Top Hat—his token since we were kids. I grabbed the thimble. My mother was the car. Keira was the dog.

  After two hours, we were in a tight spot. My mother was beating us all, by far. She just needed one more property—one that my brother had owned. It was his turn and he had two options: Sell his property to my mother and stay in the game for a couple turns longer, or go bankrupt and save Keira and I from total domination.

  “Don’t do it, Brandon. Just go bankrupt,” I warned him.

  “Oh, come on, sweetie. I’ll give you a couple free passes,” my mother pled her case.

  My brother was in deep thought, but had a devilish smile on his face.

  “Brandon, don’t you dare,” I said.

  “Here, Mom,” he handed her the property, and she cheered.

  “Brandon, what the fuck?!” Keira blurted out, then covered her mouth, worried she had crossed the line by cussing in front of my mother.

  All three of us looked at her for a second before exploding into laughter. She uncovered her mouth and visibly relaxed, joining in with us.<
br />
  After we cleaned up the game pieces and cleared the dining room, Keira and I headed into my room.

  “That was intense,” she said as we collapsed on my bed.

  “You’re telling me,” I agreed. “I want to kill my stupid brother.”

  She giggled and nodded, in agreeance.

  “Thank you for coming over today,” I said genuinely. It had been the best day I had experienced in years, it felt like.

  She flipped over on the bed, lying on her stomach, head on her hands, staring at me. “No, thank you for letting me come over. It was really fun.”

  “It was amazing. You’re amazing,” I said, and she got a shy smile on her face.

  “I wouldn’t go that far,” she denied. “But your family is amazing.” She moved her hand to my chest, drawing lazy circles with her fingers.

  “When do I get to meet your family?” I asked her. It was only fair that I got to hear embarrassing stories about her childhood, too.

  “Oh.” She froze a little. “I don’t know.” She stopped tracing circles on my skin and I missed the warmth immediately.

  “You don’t know?” I asked. Was she ashamed of me?

  “It’s not you,” she said, making me feel better. “My family is just…different than yours.” She laid her head on my chest now.

  “What do you mean?” I stroked her hair gently. She had such soft, gorgeous hair.

  “It’s just—” she started to explain, but paused. I patiently waited for her to continue. It seemed like this wasn’t something easy to talk about. “I don’t know. Just different,” she finished, and I didn’t press her further. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

  We laid cuddled together, in a comfortable silence for a little while. It was nice and peaceful. I could have stayed like that, not saying a word and just basking in her presence, for hours.

  “Hey,” she broke the silence, in a hushed tone.

  “Hey,” I responded. I could feel her smile against my chest.

  “I like you,” she said, causing me to get butterflies and forget to breathe for a moment.

  “I like you, too,” I replied. I liked her so much that it made me feel like I might explode, sometimes.