My Perfect Imperfections

by Jalpa Williby

  “What are you guys working on?” Chance sneaks up on us, standing on the other side of me.

  “We’re doing squats now. Do you want to work with Lily while I go help my other patients?” Trina asks.

  “Absolutely,” Chance answers. After Trina swims away, Chance asks, “What was she whispering to you?”

  My smile widens, throwing him a mischievous look.

  “Girl talk, eh? Holding secrets from me, eh? Well, that calls for payback.”

  Before I can react, Chance grabs me by the waist and turns me around to face him. As he holds me in his embrace, he wraps my legs around his waist. Before I can resist, he takes me for a spin. He twirls me around and purposefully splashes water on me. With my arms and legs wrapped around him as I hold on for dear life, all I can do is laugh. Even the therapists and the other patients cheer for Chance.

  Before long, all of the patients gather around us, and Chance quickly has them under his spell. He compliments everybody on how well they’re doing and encourages them to continue working hard. He is certainly gifted with that charismatic personality that draws people to him.

  As our friendship becomes stronger, Chance and I spend more time together. He attends my therapy sessions when he’s available and comes over at least a couple of times a week. We even pick our classes for the following year according to when we can meet up at school. I’m excited that it will be my last year before I graduate. I’m ready to be out there working and bringing home a real paycheck.

  During the summer break, Chance and I grow very close. I finally learn to let my walls down and trust him. As my comfort level increases around him, I don’t worry too much about my disabilities. We talk about everything and nothing. Sometimes, we argue about politics, TV shows, favorite movies, and favorite books. Chance has somehow slipped into my life and has become my best friend.

  He usually comes over or takes me to the movies, and on most days, we usually go on our evening strolls. Our strolls consist of Chance walking next to me while I drive my wheelchair.

  During our walk one evening, I ask him about his family. He has yet to mention anything about his personal life.

  “I don’t really have any family, Lily. I was an only child, and my parents died a few years ago.”

  “Oh, sorry.” I stop my wheelchair because I want to talk to him properly.

  “It’s cool. It was a while ago.” Although he says this, I can tell the conversation is making him uncomfortable.

  “What about uncles and aunts? Other family?”

  “My family is from Colorado. I was never very close to my extended family. Once my parents died, I moved away. I suppose I could have tried to keep in touch with everybody, but I just needed to get away from it all. I moved here to Michigan and got a job as a nurse. Now, I consider this my home.”

  “So you’re all alone here?” I ask as a wave of sadness washes over me.

  “Well, no! I’ve made a lot of friends here, and I’ve got you! Of course, I’m not alone.” Chance winks, teasing me.

  Although I smile, I know he’s using one of his tactics to change the subject.

  “Can you do me a favor? Can you take me to Layna’s gravesite?” I ask.

  Chance looks surprised, but says, “Of course, Lily.”

  “I need to do something I should have done a long time ago.”

  Usually, when Chance and I go out, we use my parents’ van since it is wheelchair accessible. He never lets me sit in the wheelchair in the back, though. He says my place is in the front, next to him.

  When we return to the house from our stroll, Chance takes the van keys and lifts me to the passenger seat. He places the belt on me and parks the wheelchair in the back. He has already taken the directions from my parents, so he knows where to go.

  Lost in my thoughts, I can’t help but be nervous about going to visit Layna. I’ve never gone there, even when my parents have asked me to go with them. I know I’ve avoided it long enough, and it’s time to face my fears. With Chance by my side, I can tackle anything.

  They say fear may prompt one of two responses: forget everything and run or face everything and rise. I’ve been hiding all this time—running from my fears. It’s time to accept what happened. It’s time to let Layna go.

  When we reach the cemetery, Chance is easily able to find Layna’s site with my parents’ directions. Luckily, we’re able to drive my wheelchair all the way to her gravestone.

  Once there, my anxiety increases. Maybe this is not the right time. Maybe I’m not ready for this. Seeing her name engraved on the stone brings back all of the memories. I can’t say goodbye—not yet.

  Sensing my panic, Chance places his hand on mine. “It’ll be okay, Lily. I’ll help you.”

  I focus on him, allowing his strength to help me find my courage.

  “Do you want me to bring you down to the ground?” he asks, squeezing my hand.

  I nod, needing to be close to Layna.

  Chance carries me out of the wheelchair and lowers me down by her stone. He sits behind me so I can lean against him. I take a deep breath and read the words.

  In Loving Memories of

  Layna Grace Cooper

  Beloved Daughter, Cherished Sister

  Heart of Gold, Never Forgotten

  A sob escapes me as tremors crawl through my body.

  Oh, Layna, I am so sorry. I should have come sooner. I just couldn’t do it. You were always the brave one between us. God, how I’ve missed you. These years without you have been so hard. I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re happy. I know I should have come to the funeral. It was the right thing to do. I should have stood by Mom and Dad and helped bury you. I should have, Layna. I just couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to let you go yet.

  The tears continue to flow. By now, I’m sobbing out loud. Instantly, Chance holds me tighter in his embrace. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t disturb me. He simply holds me, silently providing me his strength.

  I wanted to check on you today. I wanted you to see that I’m doing better. I’m slowly getting my life together. Hell, I’ll be graduating from college next year, Layna! Can you believe that? I’m all grown up now, Layna. How I wish you were with me. We’d be graduating together.

  I pause, trying to control my emotions.

  Layna, why did you have to leave? I was angry with you for the longest time. I blamed you for turning your steering wheel the way you did. You could have been here today, Layna, if you didn’t do that.

  The pain in my heart is unbearable. I turn my face into Chance’s chest and holler in pain. It doesn’t matter that I’m screaming. It doesn’t matter that his shirt is dampening from my tears and probably my snot. I just know I need a good cry. I need to let it all out.

  After twenty minutes of my hysterics, I eventually settle down, mostly from exhaustion. I glance at Chance to throw him an apologetic smile. He shakes his head, and I notice his unshed tears. Seeing the pain in his eyes makes me hold him tighter.

  Taking a deep breath, I turn toward Layna’s stone again.

  I love you so much, Layna. You are with me always…every day and every night. You’d be proud of me because I have learned to pick up the pieces and find joy in my life again. I promise to visit you more often now. I won’t wait so long. And, if you’re with Duke, give him a kiss for me. Until we meet again, Layna.

  I gesture to Chance that I’m ready to get back in my wheelchair. With a swift move, he lifts me up and places me back in my chair.

  Once we drive away, Chance doesn’t take me directly home. Instead, he brings me to the lake. “I’m not ready to go back yet, Lily. Is it okay if we go for a walk on the path here? It’s so pretty, and I think we both need to just unwind a bit.”

  I nod, also not ready to go back home yet.

  After walking a bit, he sits on a bench facing the lake. Once I park my wheelchair next to him, he says, “Tell me about her, Lily. I want to know.”

  I take a deep breath. With my device, I finally share
my deepest thoughts about Layna. “She was my twin sister and my best friend. She was amazing and perfect—beautiful, smart. That’s not all, though. She really did have a heart of gold. She helped everybody, especially me. She always took care of me. Protected me. Even at the end…she died protecting me.” I stare off in the distance, remembering that dreaded night.

  Chance reaches out to hold my hand. “What happened?”

  “We were heading home from prom. Layna insisted that I be her date, even though she was asked by the most popular guy in high school. But, she said she had always wanted to go to our senior prom with me. It was a great night. We both dressed up in matching dresses, and she made sure I had the time of my life. It was my first dance, and Layna wanted it to perfect. And it was. Until we were driving home. I was in the back in my wheelchair, strapped securely. The roads were slippery, and the headlights came from nowhere. It all happened so fast. All I remember is Layna yelling, ‘Hold on, Lily.’ She spun the steering wheel and took the impact of the hit. Typical Layna thing to do. She turned the van in such a way so that the truck wouldn’t hit me. The next time I opened my eyes, I was in the hospital. Layna was already gone. Apparently, she died on impact. And me? I barely had a scratch.” It takes me a long time to say all this through my device, but it’s important that I share the events of that night with somebody…with Chance.

  “Lily, you can’t hold this guilt inside you. I promise you, your sister would not want that.”

  “No, no she wouldn’t. I didn’t even go to her funeral. I was a mess. So many emotions were going through me—anger, depression, guilt, hate. And fear. Most of all fear. I was too afraid to face reality, so I avoided it. I didn’t want to let her go, so I never said my goodbye. Until today. Thank you for taking me.”

  “I’m glad you asked me to take you. Thank you for telling me about Layna. Anytime you want to visit her, I’m here for you, mademoiselle.” Chance stands up and bows while he takes my hand to kiss it.

  Later that night, Mom says, “So, how did it go?”

  I know she’s talking about Layna. “It felt good to go there…and to let her go,” I reply.

  “I’m proud of you, honey.” Mom smiles, but I notice her eyes sparkling with tears.

  Dad says, “You’ve been spending a lot of time with Chance. I like him and all, but what’s going on with you guys?”

  Leave it to Dad to be direct.

  “We’re just friends.” I shrug my shoulders, hoping he will drop the subject. Truth is, I have avoided thinking about my feelings toward Chance.

  “Yes, we see you guys are becoming very close. We just don’t want you to get hurt, honey,” Mom chimes in.

  “Everybody gets hurt,” I reply. I can’t hide forever in a sheltered life for fear of being hurt. I now realize that my parents and Layna have protected me my entire life. I have to grow up at some point and face the world—the good and the bad.

  “Okay, Lily, fair enough. But, if he even thinks about hurting you, I swear he’ll have to deal with me.” I guess some habits die hard. Dad will always remain protective of me.

  Curve Balls

  Creating Memories

  Chapter Eleven

  During my last year in college, Chance and I spend almost every day together. If we don’t see each other, we text and catch up on our day. I don’t hold anything back from him anymore. Completely trusting him, I allow myself to be me without focusing on my disabilities.

  One evening, Chance comes over and we watch a movie in my room. While I watch it from my wheelchair, he lounges on the recliner, drinking his Coke. As he’s about to take another sip, suddenly the glass slips out of his hand.

  “Shit! Damn it!” He opens and closes his hand quickly, as if testing it.

  “What happened?” I ask.

  Still shaken up, Chance remains silent.

  “It’s no big deal. It can be cleaned up,” I try to assure him since he seems very distraught.

  Chance shakes his head, as if trying to focus.

  “What’s wrong, Chance? Why are you so upset?”

  He continues to ignore me but mumbles, “I’ll clean it up.”

  Once everything is clean, he sits back down in the recliner. I can see the distressed look still in his eyes, which worries me. He has never acted like this.

  “Is there something you want to talk about, Chance? Why are you upset about dropping the glass?”

  “Nah, it’s all good. Listen, Lily, I’m really tired tonight. I think I’m going to head out and call it a night.”

  Without saying another word—without even glancing my way—Chance rushes out of my room.

  The incident isn’t brought up again until the next time something happens. A few months later, Chance and I are walking by the lake. As I’m driving my wheelchair, Chance is being his usual self, running to the lake and throwing pebbles to make them bounce in the water. He runs back to me after the toss and says, “Did you see that? I swear I made it bounce four times. I’m becoming a professional at this!”

  “Maybe you should compete professionally.” I can’t help but tease him.

  “Yeah! Maybe I can be the champion of making my pebbles bounce the most! My name can be listed in the Guinness Book of Records!”

  We both laugh, enjoying the spring weather.

  “It’s all about picking the right pebble and twisting that wrist just the perfect way. Here! Watch this!” Chance runs back to the lake and tosses another pebble. This one bounces three times. “See that?”

  In his excitement, he turns toward me and starts sprinting back. As soon as he takes a few steps, though, his legs give out from under him. In a split second, Chance has fallen down to his knees. As if shocked himself, he lowers himself down all the way and sits on the grass. He places his head in his hands, trying to get his bearings.

  “Are you okay? What happened? Did you trip?” I wouldn’t normally worry about a trip, but his reaction to it has me terrified. He simply sits there and stares at the sky in distress without saying a word.

  “Talk to me, Chance. Are you hurt?” Since he hasn’t answered me, I contemplate calling for help. Why is he behaving this way? His knees literally just buckled. Maybe it was the way he turned quickly. Wishing that I can get off this stupid wheelchair and check on him myself, I finally say, “I’m calling for help.”

  As if that brings him back to the present, Chance turns his attention toward me. He then moves his legs up and down, testing them. When satisfied, he slowly tries to stand up, making sure his legs can support him. Taking one guarded step at a time, he cautiously approaches me.

  “I’m okay. Let’s go by that bench for a bit,” Chance says, his voice thick with distress.

  I follow him, knowing something is dreadfully wrong.

  Once sitting, he takes some deep breaths, staring out into the distance. I don’t dare say a word, knowing he needs some time to fight whatever battles he’s fighting.

  Without looking at me, he says, “My father died of ALS when I was 21. My mom killed herself a year later.”

  I shut my eyes, hoping I heard him wrong.

  “He died a horrible death. My mom and I watched him helplessly as he slowly deteriorated. He used to be a powerful man. He was a Lieutenant in the U.S. Army, so it was very hard psychologically for him to accept what was happening to him. Mom and I took care of him—helped him with everything. He hated it. He would beg us to end it for him. He would even point to his gun when he was nearing the end.”

  I hold my breath, not wanting to interrupt him.

  Chance sighs, rubbing his face. “Of course, we never did. We hated what was happening to him, but how could Mom and I just end his life? No matter how much he begged, we let him suffer. He died slowly and painfully.”

  He turns to me and reaches for my hand. I put my other hand on top of his, encouraging him to continue.

  “We didn’t have the guts to do it, Lily. After he died, Mom went into depression. She couldn’t deal with the guilt and couldn’t l
et go of what her strong, powerful husband went through at the end. She started worrying about me, confessing that ALS ran on my dad’s side. Although familial ALS is not common, the risks for me were much higher suddenly. She insisted that I go through the genetic testing for it. I was young and confused. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to know or not. I finally gave in because I knew she needed to know.”

  Chance pulls his hand away and brushes it through his hair. I watch helplessly at his trembling hands, and he once again stares off into the distance.

  “They found that gene, Lily. I have that mutated gene that runs in my family.” He clears his throat. “I had to tell my mom. She was devastated…so much that she couldn’t get past it. I have no idea what made her do it. I don’t know if she didn’t want to watch me suffer, or she didn’t want to go through it all again. Either way, she did to herself what she couldn’t do to her husband. I had just started medical school at that time. I came home one evening to find her body. She had shot herself with my father’s gun.”

  No matter how hard I try to stay strong, the tears stream down my face. It’s breaking my heart, shocked at what I’m hearing.

  “I was lost. I had no idea what was happening around me. I dropped out of medical school. Soon, I sold the house and just left. I literally got in my car and drove away. Away from the horrible memories, away from the pain. I just said goodbye to that life. Somehow, I ended up here in Michigan. I have no idea what brought me here. I got an apartment and enrolled in nursing school. My parents had a good amount of money that helped me through school. Once I started working, I decided I wasn’t going to give up on my dreams of being a neurologist. I didn’t have any ALS symptoms, so I decided to never think about my past again and look ahead toward my goals. Why not? After all, I felt healthy as a horse.

  “So, I started taking classes at the college and immediately, I noticed you. Maybe I was drawn to you initially because I admired you. Maybe I wanted to get to know to you because of my past…or even my future. I noticed how beautiful you were, but your eyes were always sad. I don’t know, Lily. I made up my mind that I had to know you. I wanted to know your story. I just didn’t expect to get this close to you.”