Desire (Legends of the Kilanor Book 3)

by Jared Stone

  “I’m gonna try really hard to learn all of your names, but you’ll have to bear with me, cuz I’m pretty terrible at it,” the professor then confessed with a chuckle. “Let’s just go around the room now and tell me your name so I can start getting to know you.”

  One by one, each student proceeded to introduce him/herself. Lucian, equally bad with names, could barely remember the first by the time they had gotten to the third. He couldn’t imagine how any professor could be expected to do it.

  “Alright,” Professor Aviv stated once everyone was finished. “Like I said, I’ll struggle to get your names for the first week or two, so please, any time you say something in class, just mention your name first. That should help me out.”

  The students all nodded in comprehension.

  “Alright, then,” Professor Aviv stated with a clap of his hands. “Now, onto the interesting stuff! In this class, we’ll be discussing Buddhism, Daoism, and Confucianism. Although Buddhism originally began in India, it eventually spread to China and throughout East Asia and became a crucial component of life there. Alternatively, both Daoism and Confucianism grew natively within China first, then spread to its neighbors through trading and conquest. Although many people would not consider Confucianism a religion in its own right, it is definitely a philosophy of living, so we include it in this course. Who here has studied any of these three traditions before?”

  Lucian was quick to raise his hand, proud that he already had some familiarity with the subjects from both his last semester courses, as well as his personal experience with the tenets from Gus and Panhavant. About half of the students around him also raised their hands, though this still left five to ten students with no familiarity whatsoever. Lucian hoped that they wouldn’t have to therefore spend too much time going over all the basic information he already knew in lieu of the more complicated, metaphysical aspects of each tradition.

  “Wow! Great!” the professor said with a surprised tone. “It’s nice to see so many younger people these days with some knowledge of this stuff. Even twenty years ago, students had far less exposure to this sort of information than you do today. I bet it’s a result of the internet.”

  Reaching into his bag on the floor behind him, Professor Aviv pulled out a book.

  “So, I think you guys had some reading for today?” he said, sounding uncertain himself as to whether or not that was the case. “Did anyone get to do it?”

  A few students raised their hands, but the majority of the class did not, including Lucian. He had, once again, forgotten that reading would be due on the first day of classes.

  “No problem,” the professor said casually. “Anyone who didn’t read it, I would suggest that you do if you get a chance. There’s a lot of interesting information there. For example, can anyone here tell me what the ultimate goal of Buddhism is?”

  He looked around the group of students before him. A girl raised her hand.

  “Yes?” Professor Aviv asked, pointing at her.

  “To achieve enlightenment?” the girl guessed. “Oh, and my name is Sarah.”

  “Good!” said the professor with an excited smile. “That’s exactly right. Thanks, Sarah. And what does attaining enlightenment allow someone to do? Enter Heaven?”

  A boy raised his hand this time, and Professor Aviv quickly pointed at him.

  “My name’s Steve,” the boy said. “Buddhists don’t believe in Heaven. At least, not in the same way we Christians do. They believe in Nirvana. It’s like… nothing. Nothing exists.”

  “That’s right,” the professor confirmed. “Now, what do you guys think of that? Does that sound good to you? Escaping existence and entering into a blissful nothingness?”

  “No,” another guy stated, slouched down in his seat. “That sounds really depressing.”

  “And what’s your name?” the professor asked him.

  “I’m Josh,” said the student.

  “Okay, Josh,” continued the professor. “Why do you think that’s depressing?”

  Josh shrugged. “Why would someone want to escape existing? Isn’t existing, like, everything? Everything you enjoy and love and stuff would just be gone.”

  Professor Aviv nodded. “That’s a fair point. Anyone else want to weigh in on why a Buddhist would want to escape existence?” he asked the rest of the class.

  There was silence as not a single hand was raised. Lucian looked around him expectantly, but no one was willing to speak up. So Lucian slowly stuck his hand into the air.

  “Yes?” the professor asked, pointing at him.

  Lucian slid forward in his seat. “I’m Lucian,” he said. “I think Buddhists want to escape existence because they believe in the First Noble Truth: that all of existence is suffering. And the only way to end that suffering is to escape the cycles of births and deaths called Samsara and enter Nirvana.”

  Josh shook his head. “But I don’t think that all of existence is suffering, though,” he countered. “Like, what about all the happy times? Spending time with family, playing sports, eating dessert. There’s too much good stuff in life to just want to escape it completely!”

  Lucian raised his hand again. The professor pointed at him.

  “Lucian,” Lucian reminded the professor before he began his next point. “I think, from our perspective as privileged Americans, it’s easy for us to have the impression that life isn’t all suffering. But, from the perspective of some others, especially impoverished people in India and East Asia, that would probably sound like the truth of their experience.”

  “But that just sounds like some sort of suicide,” Josh countered. “Like the whole point of it all is just to destroy yourself.”

  Lucian raised his hand again. “Lucian, again…,” he began.

  Professor Aviv chuckled. “I remember your name now, Lucian,” he assured the boy lightheartedly.

  Lucian smiled, hoping that was a good thing. “Well, I think that’s kinda right,” he said. “I mean, the whole point of Buddhism is an elimination of the self. But it’s not viewed in a negative way at all. From their perspective, the self is just an illusion generated by our defilements. At a basic level, ideas of ‘otherness’ and ‘self’ are considered empty projections of our ignorance. So, actually, entering into Nirvana isn’t really destroying anything. It’s just a re-realization of Absolute Truth.”

  A girl on the opposite side of Lucian’s row raised her hand. Professor Aviv pointed at her.

  “I’m Megan,” she said. “So, like, why don’t all the Buddhists just kill themselves? Like, if they don’t wanna be alive and stuff, why not just kill yourself and enter Nirvana?”

  Lucian raised his hand again, and the professor just nodded at him with a smile.

  “Killing yourself doesn’t help you achieve Nirvana,” Lucian explained. “If anything, all that would do is result in negative karma and your rebirth into another life. The cycle of births and deaths keeps continuing infinitely until you attain enlightenment. Once that happens, then you’re able to cast away the illusion of existence and enter Nirvana.”

  After this, there was silence. No one dared – or perhaps even cared – to challenge Lucian’s position further. Eventually, Professor Aviv spoke up.

  “Great discussion!” he said. “Thanks to everyone who participated. I can tell we’re gonna have a really interesting semester.” He looked specifically at Lucian as he said this, and Lucian couldn’t help but smile. He was definitely looking forward to the rest of this course.

  * * *

  The previous weekend, Sam had texted Lucian and asked him to go out to eat on Monday night. They agreed to meet at the same Italian restaurant where they had gone on their first date, which Lucian appreciated both from a familiarity and romantic nostalgia standpoint. Lucian therefore found himself walking down the street to that spot, nervously touching his hair to ensure that no rogue strands had popped out of place over the short walk from his dorm. Lucian was just thankful that there was no wind or snow with which to b
attle that night. The weather was actually a little bit warmer than average for January, though Lucian still kept both of his hands nestled in the heat of his pockets – when they weren’t otherwise occupied with his hair.

  From about a block away, Lucian finally spotted Sam standing outside waiting for him. He smiled at that, feeling touched that his date would care enough to wait out in the winter air for him to arrive. When Lucian had gotten closer, Sam noticed him.

  “Lucian!” the upper-classman exclaimed, throwing his arms open with a big smile. “It’s so great to see you!”

  Lucian walked up to Sam and threw his arms around the muscular older boy. They stood there hugging for just a moment, appreciating each other’s warmth, until Sam asked softly, “You ready to eat?”

  Lucian broke from the embrace and stared into Sam’s hazel eyes. “Yes, very,” he said.

  “Good!” Sam said as he reached out, opened the door, and held it for Lucian. “After you!”

  Lucian entered the comfortable air of the restaurant and stepped up to the host’s stand at the front of the dining room. Sam came up behind him and placed his arm around Lucian’s lower back. This prompted a short tensing from Lucian, who hadn’t anticipated the physical contact…, not that he minded.

  “How many?” a blonde woman walked up and asked them.

  “Two,” Sam responded.

  The hostess plucked a pair of menus out from their holder by the side of the stand and motioned that the boys should follow her. Gently nudging Lucian to go in front of him, Sam followed along behind as they made their way to the table. Once there, the hostess laid the two menus down and said, “Your server will be with you shortly.” Sam and Lucian thanked her as she walked away, then hung their coats over the backs of the chairs and sat down.

  “So, Lucian,” Sam began, picking up the menu in front of him. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever! It’s too bad that you’ve been so busy. How was your first day of classes?”

  Lucian picked up his menu as well but only half-glanced at it as he formulated what he wanted to say. Even though he and Sam had become more familiar with each other since they first met a few months ago, the gorgeous older boy still made Lucian almost incoherently nervous.

  “It was good,” Lucian said, moving his head back and forth as if to conjure the illusion that he could both read and talk to Sam at the same time. “My first class of the day was Eastern Religions, then I had English Composition in the afternoon. The English class looks like a ton of writing, but it shouldn’t be too tough. And Eastern Religions was actually really cool!”

  Sam tilted his head with interest. “Oh yeah?” he asked. “How so?”

  “Well, we had this whole discussion about Buddhism and the concepts of Samsara and Nirvana,” Lucian explained, putting down his menu as he became more engaged in the conversation. “This one guy in my class was saying that the Buddhist goal of cessation of existence seemed really negative, but then I was explaining about the First Noble Truth, and then some other girl said that it sounded more like suicide, so I said that it was, as in an elimination of the self, but they wouldn’t want to kill themselves in this life at all, because that would just be negative karma and another rebirth into another life….”

  Lucian suddenly caught himself babbling excitedly at Sam, who just patiently stared at him with a smile on his face. Embarrassed, Lucian leaned back in his seat again and laid his hands back on his menu.

  “So, yeah…,” Lucian concluded quietly, feeling his face quickly getting flushed. “I think it’ll be really interesting, I guess.”

  The smile still hadn’t dropped from Sam’s face, and Lucian began to worry that his date now thought he was ridiculous, instead of just boring. He stared down at his menu nervously as the seconds crept by.

  “Wow! I’m impressed by how much you already know about that stuff!” Sam finally said earnestly. “It seems like you’re really passionate about it. That’s awesome.”

  Lucian cracked a half-smile, still a bit self-conscious about his behavior before. “Yeah,” he admitted. “I’m thinking about maybe even majoring in it.”

  Sam nodded. “I think that would be really cool,” he said. “I’ve always had an interest in that sort of thing, too.”

  Lucian felt like he was practically glowing. Though, hopefully not literally, he reminded himself, looking down at his hands to ensure he wasn’t accidentally generating qi.

  “So, you know about Buddhism, too?” Lucian asked, looking back up to reengage in eye contact with his date.

  Sam nodded. “Yeah, I’ve spent many years studying it, actually,” he said. “I’ve learned about a lot of different religions all throughout time. It’s really something that fascinates me. Especially the concept of Nirvana. I actually think that, last time we ate here, we had a similar conversation, but you weren’t too happy with the idea of an end to existence at that point.”

  Lucian had actually forgotten all about that previous conversation, and it took him a moment to remind himself of what was said. “Oh, right,” he finally affirmed. “Well, I still didn’t know very much about Buddhism at that point. I’m still learning a lot about it.”

  “Well, would you say that maybe you’ve changed your mind about that now?” Sam asked. “That maybe Nirvana sounds like a good goal to reach for after all?”

  Lucian paused for a moment to think about it.

  “Maybe,” he eventually admitted. “I guess I’m still on the fence about that. I need to learn more about it this semester and see if I really believe that existence is always suffering.” As he said this, images flooded his mind of his unceasing struggles against forces trying to kill him and the loss of friends and family he had experienced over the past few months. Cast in this light, a cessation of existence in favor of blissful nothingness began to almost sound appealing.

  Sam smiled. “Well, make sure you let me know what you’re thinking along the way,” he said. He reached out and laid his hand on top of Lucian’s. “I really love hearing your perspective.”

  Lucian opened his mouth in an attempt to say some-thing, but his words suddenly seemed stolen from him. Thankfully, the server came up right at that moment to take their orders, and Lucian quickly yanked his hand out from under Sam’s to grab the menu which lay in front of him and hastily find something to order. In the end, he just asked for the same lasagna he had last time, as it required the least amount of functioning brain activity.

  Sam and Lucian continued to chat a bit while they waited for their food to come out. Sam told Lucian some details about his classes that semester: one on business negotiation tactics, another on some kind of financial analysis, and a third, which was some sort of special senior project required for graduation. As he said this, Lucian had a stab of sadness at the thought of Sam leaving after that year, while he would still have three more years left before his own graduation. He wondered if they would be able to stay in touch and how that might affect what could develop between them. He was almost too distracted by that thought to hear any more of what Sam had to say.

  Their food arrived just as topics of conversation had started to dwindle. Lucian felt like a very boring date, as he didn’t have much at all to say. Or, he did have a lot to say, but knew that he would never be able to tell Sam any of it. Stories about demonic possession, summoning qi, training with enlightened masters, fighting the undead, and watching people die right in front of him would have ensured a very brief final date between the two of them. Lucian cared far too much about Sam to risk that, so he instead pretended to lead an extremely boring existence.

  Sam finished his meal slightly before Lucian and excused himself to go use the bathroom. Lucian took the opportunity to pull out his phone and tilt it just right so that he caught his reflection in the dim overhead lights to ensure that his hair still looked okay. Seeing Sam returning out of the corner of his eye, he quickly slammed the phone down on the table and smiled. Sam sat back down in his chair.

  “All finished?�
� Sam asked, looking down at Lucian’s empty plate.

  Lucian nodded. “Yeah, I’m stuffed!” he said.

  “Wanna get dessert?” Sam offered.

  Lucian thought long and hard about that. He always wanted dessert, but he honestly wasn’t sure he could fit another bite. And he certainly didn’t want to look like a glutton in front of Sam. So he begrudgingly shook his head.

  “No, I’m completely full,” he said.

  Sam smiled and stood up. “Alright, then,” he said. “I guess we better go.”

  Lucian looked around, confused. “Don’t we have to pay first?” he asked.

  “Nah. I just took care of that,” Sam told him with a mischievous grin. “It’s all set. Let’s go.”

  Lucian couldn’t help but smile a big smile as he grabbed his coat as well. “You didn’t have to do that again, you know,” he said.

  “I wanted to,” Sam countered.

  The two boys thanked the hostess as they walked out the door and onto the sidewalk. After they had gone down the block a ways, Sam silently reached out and took Lucian’s hand. Lucian nervously let him, his arm hanging awkwardly limp by his side as they continued on. He felt a tingling sensation all over every time Sam touched him, and this occassion was certainly no exception. Eventually, they arrived at the fork in the road between his dorm and Sam’s fraternity house.

  Sam turned to look at Lucian. Lucian looked back, his heart beating wildly.

  “Can I come back to your room for a bit?” Sam asked him with a smile.

  Lucian’s stomach felt like it was doing somersaults. “I… We can’t…,” he stammered. “Blake is probably there.”

  Sam looked disappointed. “People are at the house too,” he said glumly. “Guess we’ll have to plan better next time.”

  “Yeah…,” Lucian barely squeaked out.

  Without warning, Sam pulled Lucian toward him and kissed him. Right on the lips. Lucian could barely wrap his mind around what was happening; he had never experienced something like that before. He stood there for a moment with his eyes wide open in shock, then managed to close them. If he had thought the hugs and the hand holding were spectacular, this kiss was absolute bliss. His mind just went blank, completely emptied as a ripple of electricity shot through his body and made his legs feel weak. Lucian experienced the most blissful nothingness he had ever experienced in that moment.