Hazed

by Brittany Butler

  ****

  I lay, panting and wrestling with my own doubt. After he collapsed beside me, his breathing evened out and he hasn’t said anything. My hair is tangled around my arm, I want to move and readjust, but I’m afraid of waking him up. What would I say? We were mid fight when this happened—nothing has been resolved, will we go back to the fight or continue on like it didn’t happen, like the last three days didn’t happen? If I know him at all, he wants to forget it happened. And that won’t work for me, along the way we’ve collected so much baggage that we can’t possibly add anymore. He needs to know he can’t follow me to my dorm, pick an argument, then fuck me until he falls asleep. That solves nothing.

  “Stop over thinking it,” he mumbles. I jump, thinking he was asleep. He chuckles and tosses his arm around me to pull me near.

  “I’m not thinking about anything,” I say, defensively.

  “Bullshit. I didn’t come over here for that…Just so you know.” His words soothe me, but only for a moment. He knows I’m thinking about what just happened, maybe he’s lying.

  “Sure you didn’t, Hayze,” I say, my tone is loaded with sarcasm.

  I stare at the ceiling, studying each stain, nail, and anything I can find to take me away from here. My mind overthinks, it always needs something to do, and recently its job is to overanalyze Hayze. I keep replaying today, over and over, wondering where it went wrong. Why can’t we sit down and have a normal conversation, without yelling? I believed he followed me over here to apologize, but now laying here beside him, I’m afraid he was using me.

  He sighs, “I uh, I’ve been thinking…We’ve never been on an actual date. I tried once, but it doesn’t count, you couldn’t keep your hands off of me. Like today,” he says.

  I nudge him in the side, he holds it dramatically and groans. He sits up and the sheets pool in his lap, leaving him exposed. He rubs the back of his head, like he always does when he’s nervous and I cock my head to the side.

  “What is it?”

  “Do you wanna go out…with me? On a date?” The fact that he’s nervous is everything to me.

  “No.”

  He looks surprised; I start laughing and he grins. “You just used me? What are you going to say next, that you want me to leave?”

  I shrug my shoulders, looking up him innocently. “Well—”

  He leans over, quieting me with a kiss. “Huh uh, not happening. You’re stuck with me forever.”

  My stomach does a flip when he says forever. His head falls on my chest and I tangle my fingers into his hair. If every day could be like tonight, we would be okay. We would be forever. But if he leaves again—if the doubts, or what ifs come back, we have to stop. This isn’t good for us.

  The door slams into the wall, I squeal and hold the covers over me. Hayze lays over me, blocking me from the visitor. “Fuck, Lea! You could knock!”

  “What in the actual hell, guys? I ran after you when Joel told me about your little scene! Seriously?” She laughs. “I guess I’ll come back…Please be decent.”

  “My place?” He asks as he falls to my side again.

  “Hayze! That could’ve been Joel coming after you! Why didn’t you lock the door? If she would’ve walked in two minutes before,” I say, rubbing my temples.

  “First of all, I said I didn’t come in here for this. It would’ve been a little cocky to lock the door,” he says and I scowl at him. “And if Joel, or any of my friends ever walk in on us they won’t make it out the door.”

  He chuckles and moves around my room, searching for his scattered clothes. I help him gather his clothes then dress before anyone has the chance to walk in. Lea is nowhere in sight and I thank god for that, I don’t think I could face her after what she walked in on. His fingers wrap in mine, and he taps me with his thumb. I look up at him, finding that he’s watching me.

  “My place?” He looks at me, amused. He puts his hands on my shoulders, swaying me from side to side.

  I look down, fixing my eyes on my mismatched socks. “Actually, I think I’m gonna stay here.”

  He shifts then lets out a long sigh. “I thought we were okay.”

  I look at him, matching his scowl. “But we’re not, Hayze…You can’t just follow me back to my dorms after being gone for days, have sex with me, and think everything’s okay. That’s not how it’s works.”

  He rolls his eyes at me, exasperated. “I don’t know recall you saying no.”

  My body goes rigid, with my arms slung across my chest, I walk to the door and hold it open for him. “That’s not the point,” I seethe.

  “Then tell me the point! Why didn’t you say no, huh?” With long, precise strides, he crosses the room and slams the door.

  Frustrated, I blow my bangs from my face and place my hands on my hips. “Because I wanted to, and now I want you to leave,” I say, nodding my head to the door. “Since when did a casual screw mean so much to you?”

  “Since you changed me,” he says.

  If I didn’t know him, the puppy eyes would win me over. But I do know him, and I know he’s full of shit. He hasn’t changed, not yet; and after the past three days I’m wondering if he’s capable.

  “Lea’s probably ready to come back in,” I say, opening the door again.

  “What happened in the last few minutes for you to put this wall up?” He asks, motioning his hand up an invisible wall in front of my face.

  I shrug my shoulders, feigning indifference. “Nothing, we both know it shouldn’t have happened.”

  “Where does that leave us?” His eyes are holding mine, willing me to change my mind.

  Confused. My eyes drop to my feet again. Not for the first time, I’m frustrated at what happened tonight. We could’ve talked, we could’ve worked through things, but now I’m standing in front of him wishing I would’ve locked the door behind me.

  Sensing my dilemma, he grows impatient. “Say you’ll go out with me,” he begs. “Before you make your decision, please.”

  I hold the door open wider, sighing. Lea is standing at the end of our hall, looking bored. I look back at Hayze, he’s planted in front of me, and I know he won’t leave until I agree. After everything we’ve been through, we should go out, even if it’s for closure.

  “I’ll go,” I say, reluctantly.

  His shoulders visibly relax as he takes a step to me and wraps me in his arms. He kisses my cheeks, and his lips trail down my face, stopping on my lips. “You won’t regret it,” he says. He walks from my room, leaving me doubting my decision.

  I hope not, Hayze. I really hope I won’t regret it.