Kate in Waiting

by Becky Albertalli

  “It’s a good face.”

  I push him lightly, and then clutch my arm, yelping, “Ouch!”

  Anderson’s eyes get huge. “Oh shit. Are you actually hurt?”

  “Just kidding.” I smile. “Hey. Okay. Do you want to leave campus?”

  “Leave campus? Wow, Garfield.”

  “I know, I know. But hear me out. What if we go to Target to grab party supplies—”

  “Party supplies?”

  “For your birthday, dummy.” I grab his hand. “Come on, side door.”

  He shakes his head, smiling. “I’m not having a party.”

  “Excuse me?” I gape at him. “Why not?”

  “Because it’s the second night of the play. There’s no way we’ll even be home before eleven.”

  “It’s your seventeenth birthday!”

  “We’ll celebrate at the cast party on Sunday.”

  “What? No. We’re having a party. I don’t care if we have to start at midnight. We’ll live like f-boys. And we’re going to Target.” I pause by the door, peering around. “All clear.”

  Anderson slips through the side door behind me. “Why are you so dead set on us going to Target?”

  “To get supplies,” I remind him.

  “Right now? During history? And this was worth knocking over a desk?”

  I nod. “Yes. Because I’m about to apologize to you—like majorly apologize to you, before I totally wimp out.” I exhale. “And I need to do that in the car.”

  Andy looks at me, opens his mouth, and then shuts it again. Then he smiles, just barely. “I thought you wanted us to talk in a place where we could look at each other’s faces.”

  “Well, I want to be able to see your face so I can read your reaction,” I say, following him through the parking lot, “but yeah, no—I don’t want you to see my face. In case I start crying. So that means you’re driving or I’m wearing a mask.”

  “Ooh, I liked that giant unicorn mask head we saw at—”

  “Don’t you dare. You shut up. I don’t want to talk about that unicorn head.”

  For a minute, Andy just looks at me smiling, one hand on the hood of his car.

  “It was alive,” I remind him.

  And it’s only when we’re tucked into our usual seats that it hits me: we haven’t done this for ages. Just Andy and me in the car. My passenger seat. My little home. Andy doesn’t say a word as we pull out of school, and at first I think he’s worried we’ll get caught. But even when we pull onto Hardscrabble Road, he’s silent. It takes a minute before I realize he’s waiting for me to speak.

  It’s like a spotlight blinking on. My heart flips, and then beats faster. I just need to spit it out. The apology I’ve been dancing around for days. I don’t even know why I’m nervous. It’s not like I have to beg for Anderson’s forgiveness. He’s clearly not mad at me. At least not anymore. I know exactly where he stands. But just because someone forgives you doesn’t mean you don’t have to apologize.

  Okay, now. Right now. I’m just going to—

  “I can’t believe you aren’t going to have a birthday party,” I blurt.

  Baby steps.

  Andy laughs, but it’s the kind of laugh that snags on itself. “I mean, I’d only be inviting you guys, and Brandie and Raina don’t know my boyfriend is my boyfriend, so it’s not like Matt and I really get to relax. And you.” He pauses. “You were mad at me.”

  “I’m not mad at you.” There’s this tug in my chest. “So he really is your boyfriend. The official b-word.”

  “Yeah.” Anderson smiles faintly.

  I look at him. “Cool.”

  “Kate, it’s fine. I get it. I really, really do—”

  “No, it’s fine. I promise.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Andy, I’m so sorry.”

  “Kate—”

  “No, hear me out. I’m so sorry. I was awful to you. And you didn’t do anything wrong. We had ground rules, and you followed them, and I’m the one who—”

  “The ground rules were bullshit, though. Katy, you’re right. You can’t force yourself to be happy for someone. That’s not how joy works.” His voice cracks. “That’s not how anything works. But it just felt like the whole thing was getting so big and so messy, and we were both half in love with him, and Kate. I’m so sorry. I’m so—”

  “Okay, can you stop?”

  “Sure.” The car stops.

  “Andy, no, I don’t mean stop the car—”

  “But we’re at Target.”

  “I meant stop apologizing.”

  “Kate, you just gave me this whole thing about wanting to see my face, and now you’re sitting here with your eyes closed.”

  “I know.” I laugh shortly.

  “Don’t you want to see my reaction?”

  “I don’t know!”

  “Kate.” Anderson grabs my hand, threading our fingers together over the gearshift. “Look at my face.”

  I crack my eyes open tentatively.

  “I love you,” he mouths. And then, faintly audible, “That’s my reaction.”

  I smile, just barely. “But I’m not done yet.”

  “Okay—”

  “I thought he liked me. And it’s stupid. It was all in my head. There was never anything—and I get it now, but it made me feel like I couldn’t even trust my own perception. I just kept thinking, wow, I’m like the worst kind of loser, and everyone knows it.”

  “Excuse me? No. You’re the best kind of loser, and only I know it, which is why I’m your best friend in the whole world, and always will be.”

  “I know. I know.” Suddenly, my eyes fill with tears. “God. I’m so sorry. I was just—Andy, I swear to God, five minutes after you told me, I was like, okay, fine. Andy and Matt, great. Okay, not totally fine.”

  Andy squeezes my hand.

  “I was starting to get fine with it, though.” I sniff. “But I couldn’t stop picturing you guys talking about me and feeling sorry for me, and Matt thinking I was so pathetic for liking him—”

  “But, Katy, I didn’t—”

  “I know. You didn’t tell him. Code of Secrecy. I know.”

  “I would never do that to you,” he says. “Ever. Believe me, I fucked up like that once, and I still feel—”

  “What? You never did that.”

  He’s quiet for a moment. “Don’t you ever wonder why Vivian Yang stopped talking to me?”

  “I mean.” I wipe my eyes. “I just figured she ditched you for the track team. She became an f-girl.”

  “She’s not an f-girl,” Andy says.

  “Okay, but—”

  “And we stopped being friends because of me. I fucked up.” He exhales. “I violated the Code. I’m the one who told Jeffrey Jacobs she liked him.”

  “Wait.” I pause. “Really? I feel like that was common knowledge though.”

  “Yeah, because Jeffrey told the whole track team.” Andy looks distraught. “It was such a dumb thing to do. I don’t even remember what I was thinking. I guess I just didn’t get it, you know? I’d never really liked anyone like that. I didn’t get what a big deal it was.”

  “To be fair, that was freshman year—”

  “So what? It was still shitty. The Code of Secrecy exists for a reason.”

  “You’re being way too hard on yourself.”

  “I’m just saying. I’ve regretted that for years.” Andy shakes his head. “I’m never going to sell you out to Matt like that. Kate, I promise—”

  “Andy, no.” I twist around in my seat, suddenly desperate to face him. “You can tell him. It’s fine. You can tell him I used to like him—the whole story.”

  “Um. Are you high?”

  “You shouldn’t have to hide that. You should be able to tell each other everything.”

  Andy wrinkles his brow. “I don’t need to tell Matt everything.”

  “You can’t keep secrets from each other if you’re in a relationship. That doesn’t work.”

  He turns to face me. “You really thi
nk that?”

  “Everyone thinks that.”

  “What? No! Not everyone thinks that. You really think two people can’t be close unless they know everything about each other?”

  I shrug.

  He tilts his head. “Okay, so what about all that time before I came out to you. Right? My big secret. You think we weren’t close before that?”

  “I know we were closer after.”

  “Your mom had just moved next door! Come on. I’m not saying it wasn’t cool to be able to talk about boy stuff with you, but are you seriously gonna write off everything before seventh grade? None of that counts, because I didn’t tell you this one thing about me that I didn’t even totally understand myself?”

  “That’s different. You were figuring it out. You weren’t trying to keep anything from me—”

  “But so what if I was! Are you kidding me? You can be close with people who aren’t out. I wasn’t out! And I was close with people! You can keep whatever secrets you want.” He smiles, shaking his head. “I swear, it’s like you think there’s only one way to do relationships.”

  “I don’t know how to do relationships. I’ve never had a relationship.”

  “Hello? You have me.”

  “We’re not in a relationship.”

  “We’re not in a romantic relationship. That doesn’t mean we’re not in a relationship.”

  My heart tugs. “I know.”

  “And maybe we’re going to have boyfriends sometimes, and yeah, we probably won’t tell each other everything. But that doesn’t mean you and I are less close. It just means we’re separate people and our lives are separate sometimes. And that’s good! You don’t need to know what happened in your brother’s room when you were at your dad’s house—”

  “Oh. My God.”

  “Not that. Kate. Come on. Your mom was like ten feet away. I would never.”

  “Yeah, blame your lack of game on my mom.”

  “Touché. But you know what I mean, right? I’m going to have secrets, and so are you. I don’t want to hear about you and Noah Kaplan and your sloppy f-boy fridge makeouts—”

  “Okay, first of all, I’ve been informed that the fridge makeout was not representative of Noah’s abilities.”

  “Wait.” Andy’s jaw drops. “Did you kiss—”

  “No! What? No.”

  “Not yet. And listen up.” Andy presses his palm to my forehead. “You better not do your Kate thing and stop liking him just because I’m not trying to jump his bones too. We are gonna let this ball keep rolling, okay?”

  “Who said the ball was rolling?”

  He stares me down.

  “Okay, the ball’s rolling,” I say. “Maybe. Almost.”

  “Yeah, well.” Andy’s eyes are gleaming. “Seeing as he’s texting you pictures of his body parts right now—”

  “Stop looking at my phone.” I swipe it away, tapping into my texts. “Oh my God!” I press my hand to my heart. “Look, he did it! He got his cast off!”

  “Wow, if you’re swooning over an arm—”

  “I’m not swooning!”

  “I’m inviting him to my nonexistent birthday party.”

  “Good for you.”

  “Tell him to bring his cute little arm. It’s so pale. Hope you weren’t pinning your hopes on having a jock boyfriend, Katypie, because this boy is not playing baseball this season.”

  “You’re not funny.” I lean back against the seat, head tilting toward Anderson.

  “Yeah I am.”

  “Shut up.”

  “Hey, Kate?” He smiles. “This fight is officially adjourned.”

  Scene 72

  Noah’s driving again, and the car selfie he texts me Wednesday morning (reunited and it feels so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) has more exclamation points than letters.

  So of course I spend the whole day just about bursting, because I’m pretty sure this means I’m getting a ride home after our tech run-through. And all sorts of things can happen on a car ride. Things that involve mouths.

  Okay, but not like the sexual kind of mouth involvement. Just mouths on mouths. Just kissing.

  Not that kissing is ever just.

  I need to learn how to be cool around you. I can’t stop thinking about Noah’s face when he said that. Also, his face in general. Also, the possibility of his face against my face.

  I’m so distracted in all my classes, I can barely string two words together. And rehearsal’s even worse. By the end of Act Two, I’m practically floating. Noah and I can’t even look at each other without grinning. “Why are you so giddy?” Raina asks me in the dressing room, and I just tip my palms up. She narrows her eyes and stares at me for a full minute.

  Every time I’m offstage, I check the time on my phone, sometimes more than once—even though there’s no set end time for tech week rehearsals. But I try to will the clock forward anyway. Thank God I know this musical well enough to put it on autopilot, because today my brain lives in Noah Kaplan’s car.

  Ms. Zhao finally calls everyone onto the stage for notes, and the anticipation is almost unbearable. It’s like I have to hug myself to keep from exploding.

  Almost time. We’re almost dismissed.

  “Moving to Act Two, Scene Nine,” says Ms. Zhao. “Quick note. Dauntless, when you go to Winnifred, let’s have you cross in front of the Queen.”

  Andy nods.

  “Also, just a reminder that tomorrow’s our official dress rehearsal, so please make sure your costume components are all together, labeled—shoes, everything. I don’t want to see any sneakers poking out under anyone’s gowns. Got it?”

  Okay. Okay. Here we go.

  “And I think that’s it. Very good, guys.” Zhao starts to stand up—but then she pauses. “Oh wait. Noah.”

  No. NO.

  “If you can just hang back for a few minutes, I want to rework a few more of your pantomimes. We really want to get that hand back in play.”

  NO. NO. NO. I puff my cheeks out, sighing.

  “Kate, come on.” Andy tugs my flannel. “Stop death-glaring Zhao. Matt can drive you.”

  “You guys don’t have to go out of your way,” I say heavily. “I’ll just call my dad.”

  “We’re your dads now,” says Matt.

  Raina and Brandie burst out laughing. Meanwhile, Anderson just looks at Matt, wide-eyed, with this twisty little smile. “Wait. Do they know?” He gestures between Raina and Brandie. Matt grins, cheeks flushed, nodding.

  “Mazel tov, you two.” Raina sidles up between them.

  “So when was this big talk?” He’s smiling at Matt, shaking his head.

  “During your father-son scene with Noah,” Raina says. “Right during the part about the boy flowers and girl flowers. Beautiful timing.”

  “Why, thank you,” Matt says.

  “Kate, I’ll drive you,” says Brandie. “I’m taking Raina, so you’re on the way.”

  We all drift toward the parking lot, and even though my Noah ride fell through, I can’t help but give in to that electric fall-evening feeling. Even the sports teams have gone home, so it feels like the whole world is ours. Just us theater kids, actors and tech crew. Andy and Matt are walking side by side, just a little closer than usual, and Raina’s got her phone out, FaceTiming Harold. “Don’t judge me,” she says to Brandie and me, with the cutest, most self-conscious smile.

  “Couples,” I say, shrugging at Brandie.

  “I know. Did you hear Pierra and Colin were in the lighting booth earlier?”

  “Again?”

  “They’re insatiable.”

  “Kate! Hold up.” Noah sprints from the auditorium side door to catch up to Brandie and me. “Hey,” he says, breathlessly, pressing a hand to his forehead. “I can drive you.”

  “Oh, hey, look who got his car back,” says Anderson, circling back to meet us.

  “This guy did. Back in business.” Noah grins, and then takes a big, gulping breath. “Anyway, guys, sorry. I have t
o steal your passenger, because it’s Wednesday, which means Dad’s house night, which means she lives across the street from me and I just think I should—”

  “Okay,” I say, smiling.

  When I turn back to face Noah, he’s fidgeting with the zipper of his hoodie. But his eyes are bright and twinkly.

  “Okay. Cool,” he says. “Let’s do this.”

  Scene 73

  “So, aren’t you impressed I know your custody schedule by now?” Noah says, once we’re all buckled in.

  “So impressed.” I lean back into my seat, smiling. I’ve seen Noah’s car from the outside probably fifty million times. After all, it’s lived in the driveway across the street from my dad’s house for years. But this is actually the first time I’ve been inside it. It’s an old Ford Fusion, inherited from his sisters, and it’s cluttered but not smelly. Hardly an f-boy car at all. I kind of love it. “So is it weird to be driving again?”

  “Nah, not really. It’s like—”

  “Don’t say riding a bike.”

  “What are you, the cliché police?”

  “Something like that.” I turn toward him. “I can’t believe you got out. I totally thought Zhao was going to keep you for like an hour.”

  “No, she and Mr. D just wanted me to change a few things now that I have my hand back. It’s so weird. It feels like—I don’t know. Kind of like when I got my braces off. Oh! Shit. Oops!” He shoots me a sheepish smile. “Forgot to turn my headlights on.”

  “How do you forget to turn your headlights on when it’s dark out?”

  “Because I’m out of practice.” He swallows. “And I’m nervous.”

  I lose every ounce of air in my lungs. I can’t even explain it. It’s just Noah. Noah, with his rumpled brown hair and too-wide eyes, looking way too much like Flynn Rider. Regular Noah in a regular hoodie, and he’s so cute, I can hardly stand it. And the closer we get to Dad’s house, the worse it gets. I just stare out the window, one hand pressed to my chest, like I’m holding my heart in.

  Meanwhile, Noah keeps driving, and he’s just as silent as I am.

  When he parks in my driveway at last, I stay seated. “Thanks for the ride,” I say shyly.

  “Anytime. Hey.” He turns all the way toward me, and I feel clumsy and tongue-tied and weak with anticipation. God. There’s something downright surreal about the fact that I just spent my whole entire day picturing this exact moment, and now it’s happening. It’s like I conjured it. “So . . . ,” he says—and then his eyes flick up to my house. “Your dad’s watching us.”