Girlfriend in a Coma: A Novel

by Douglas Coupland

  The five people in Skitter’s living room stare out the window into the backyard greenery. Is this a bad dream for all of them? Randy and Scott take off to wherever they live. Skitter plays with his mustache and grins: “I’m going to do a bit of window shopping. Megan, Jenny. Coming along?”

  “Give me a ride home,” Megan says.

  “What—to your Dad’s place?”

  “Rabbit Lane, bozo.”

  Minutes later, as they drive out onto the larger roads of the suburb, bedlam reigns. Traffic lights are skipped; cars drive over lawns; cars containing sleepers are pushed off the roadside by more robust vehicles. A corner grocery-store owner stands outside his front door with a sawed-off shotgun, a weapon Megan recognizes from her lifetime of TV viewing.

  Jenny is jack-rabbiting about the car’s front seat, swearing and bug-eyed at the dimensions of the crisis. Sleepers are everywhere—in cars, on sidewalks, in parking lots. “Oh, this is just too weird. Skitter, I wanna go home.”

  “Soon, enough. I want to do some shopping first.”

  “Everybody’s heading home,” Megan says to herself, and she wonders what will happen to these people once they get home. Will they wait to die? Will they sit still? She realizes that there is no tactical advantage to being home. At home all you can do is nothing. Even still, what other place can there be?

  The car pulls up to a Shopper’s Drug Mart in Lynn Valley, where the parking lot is now a crashing, squealing bumper car ride. All car windows are rolled up and many drivers are simply plowing through the landscaping to escape. The power is out. Skitter leaps out of the car with his down jacket pockets brimming with handguns. At the mall’s main entrance, Megan and Jenny can see an RCMP officer telling Skitter to leave. Skitter shoots him dead right there in the head and the two girls scream and hop out of the car. Skitter has gone mental.

  Megan runs up to the officer and cradles his leaking head. She hears another blast from inside the mall and sees a few stragglers run outside clutching weird, stolen-looking objects: enormous cartons of cigarettes and boxes of appliances. “Jenny!” Megan turns around, but Jenny has fallen asleep on a bench not far away, her mouth open, a forgotten newspaper flapping under her tongue.

  Another blast cuts the air. Megan runs to the other side of the lot, opposite the car, and tries to collect her wits. Shortly, Skitter leaves the Drug Mart with cartons of prescription tablets. He looks around, more likely for other armed opponents than for Megan, and when he reaches the car, he hurls the boxes into the backseat and then—and then—nothing.

  Megan walks over for a better look; Skitter has fallen asleep in the front seat. Megan is too confused to be terrified for herself. “Oh, God—oh God.” The malls seems drained of people, and the parking lot has cooled down to near emptiness. Traffic on the road above is filled with speeders and horns and bumps and squeals.

  How to get home?

  The sky darkens. She can hear herself breathe. It’s only a week past the shortest day of the year and it feels it. Looking at Skitter, she’s too afraid of his death to rifle his pocket for his car’s keys. She creeps into the mall, now lit only by emergency bulbs. From a sporting goods store she takes a mountain bike and from the drug store some Tylenol-3,two nine-volt flashlights, and Bubblicious gum. A lost springer spaniel behind her barks and startles her. Outside, back in Skitter’s car, she takes two handguns then sets out to navigate her way home through the craziness of the highway.

  The two miles from Lynn Valley to Westview are vastly more insane than she could have conceived. Nothing is moving save for motorcycles and crazy people driving down the shoulders and over the embankments, plowing whatever lies in their way. Three times, men try to stand in her way to take her bike; three times, Megan has shot them in or near their feet and feels a bit sicker with each crack. She realizes the next miles of highway leading up to the Rabbit Lane exit are going to be impassable. While planning her next steps, a motorcyclist pulls over in front of her—a big bruiser Yamaha. The driver kicks the kickstand, hops off, winks at Megan, and falls asleep face-first onto the pavement.

  Megan instantly hops onto the bike and guns it up Delbrook Road, through Edgemont and across Cleveland Dam. By now it’s fully dark. She takes the utility road up to Glenmore then bombs down Stevens and into Rabbit Lane. She is home.

  What an ucking-fay aste-way of an ay-day.

  Hamilton wakes up with a crashing headache and tumultuous hangover; his brain feels like a boxcar full of dying aliens being buried in the desert soil—an image taken from an old episode of Richard’s TV show. Shortly before noon, he hobbles up for water, stubs his toe on a chair leg, curses, feels his head throb, and quickly snugs into the tangle of sheets and duvet that is his lair while he recuperates. The phone rings somewhere in the afternoon; he ignores it. Around three, he gets a glass of orange juice and the morning paper and tries to read the paper in bed, but he’s still dizzy. He gives it up, turns out the light, and waits for Pam to return around six.

  Wendy is lost in the forest. She is tired. She thought she knew the correct pathway home; now she has only the hushed roar of the Dam to the north to give her guidance. There is no moon or glow from the city—the clouds are too dense. The ten-speed is gone long ago, its wheels bent after snagging a root. She hears occasional explosions or booms down toward the city.

  The path twists; trees that fell during last year’s storms confuse her memory of the trails. Suddenly, there’s a stream where there ought to have been soil and ferns where there ought to have been stone. Wendy falls to her knees—she is beyond tired. She can’t even begin to count the hours she has been awake. A half-formulated idea flits within her mind: She will build a nest of ferns to keep her warm until daybreak. This is only a foolish child’s dream. She knows it.

  She cuts her knee on a burl. She reaches down to hold the cut when in her peripheral vision she sees a pale yellow haze of light float down from the treetops, a shape and shade of green and gold, steadily falling down, down, down. She pivots her head to watch the light’s steady downward sweep, steady and smooth like a glass elevator. It stops.

  “Hello, Wendy.” It’s Jared, standing before her, impossibly young, unchanged from the sunny day he threw a football to a startled Wendy eating lunch alone in the bleachers.

  “Jared? Sweetie? Is that you?”

  The light that is Jared holds his finger to his lips and shushes Wendy. He extends his hand and Wendy clasps its lightness—there is no actual touch sensation, yet suddenly she is warm. This is all she’d ever wanted.

  She says, “Jared, I’ve missed you so much. I’ve—we’ve all—” She begins to blubber. “I loved you and I miss you and the world has never been the same since you left. And now I’m lost and I’m frightened and the world seems to be closing down and dying. I’m a doctor now—I was at the hospital today. Oh Wendy, stop being so emotional.”

  Jared kisses his fingers, flicks the kiss at Wendy, smiles, and makes a wanking off gesture. He nods his head to indicate that Wendy should follow. His long curly hair doesn’t jiggle as his head moves. Wendy follows him, lit by his body’s gentle sulfur color. Wendy’s feet squelch in mud patches and her cheeks burn red, thwacked by damp salmonberry twigs. They wind through unfamiliar paths, and they reach a straightaway that Wendy recognizes. Jared stops. He moves his eyebrows the way he did two decades previously to indicate that he’s leaving.

  “You’re leaving? No. Jared—no. Don’t go. Please stay with me. Talk. I missed you so much. You were all I ever wanted. It’s only half a world without you.”

  But Jared gently pulls away his hand and walks back three paces. He smiles and melts downward into the soil like a peg in a hole. Wendy is left behind. She grabs a small stone at the point where Jared’s head left the path and crushes it so hard in her palm that her skin bleeds. For years, Wendy had thought the world was fine and complete—that she could make do with what she had worked for and with what life had handed her. Now she knows this has never been true.

 
She arrives out onto the unlit street and sees her own house unlit, but decides not go there. She sees candlelight down the road at Karen’s, so she walks that way. Once inside, she looks around at the familiar faces lit by the flames. She says to them, “I’m going to sleep. I’m not tired—not that kind of tired—I’m exhausted.” She tumbles into a warm clump on the couch. Linus places a mohair blanket over her, and Wendy flinches at his touch.

  25

  2000 IS SILLY

  “The Queen is dead.” “Go on,” Richard says.

  Karen continues: “The two princes are wearing blackout sunglasses. The Queen’s body is being lowered into a grave. Only a few people are looking through the palace fence. It’s dark out—and raining. The grave is all muddy.”

  Silence.

  “Karen, do you really have to wear that paper bag over your head?”

  “It’s not just one paper bag, Richard, it’s three bags. I can’t see my visions properly if there’s even one speck of light hitting my face. Even candlelight. It’s a recognized paranormal fact.”

  “You look like a joke wearing it.”

  “Yeah, a real triple-bagger, Richard.”

  “Richard,” Hamilton says, “could you please shut up? Let Karen speak.”

  “Hamilton, stop being an alpha male for just one second and let Karen alone.”

  “Hey, Wendy, excuse me for being so interested in what is decidedly one great big dung heap of a situation. I thought you were asleep.”

  “I’m not going to sleep through this situation no matter how tired I am.”

  “He’s right, Wen,” Pam says, “this is an extremely not good situation.”

  “Quiet, everybody. If you want me to tell you what I can see, then be quiet. Could you all put your personalities on hold for just two minutes?”

  Karen is trying to describe the collapse of the world to her friends, who are masking their fear with funeral giggles—a protective, ironic coating. “Okay. Let me see—Pam, did I just hear you yawn?”

  Pam jumps: “Yawn? No! Tired? Not at all.” The group is petrified of yawning, physical comfort, and anything that might make them restful or sleepy. Their coffee is strong.

  “Karen,” Hamilton says, “do you have a little list of who makes it and who doesn’t?”

  “You’re being facetious, Hamilton. I don’t have a list. And I don’t know where my information comes from.”

  “Hmmm. I think Mr. Liver needs a drink.”

  “Can we get on with this?” Richard asks.

  “Richard, please remove the paper bags from my head. I don’t know if this is a good time for me to trance. You people have to stop thinking I have this huge scoreboard in my head with constant information spewing out that I’m not telling you. It’s not like that. I tell you facts whenever I can.”

  The rooms goes silent. “I need a break. Linus, can you turn on the generator again? Let’s scan the radio and watch that CNN tape again.”

  Linus activates the Honda generator and Karen’s house on Rabbit Lane regains electric light. The radio squawks out only predictable news: Every human activity has shut down—hospitals, dams, the military, malls. All machines are turned off. Once again, they watch the CNN VHS tapes Karen recorded earlier that afternoon before the power failed. The tape plays and again Pam and Hamilton blanch as they see the images they witnessed in stereo last Halloween play themselves out on screen: Dallas; India; Florida … They have no idea what to make of them.

  Sleep that night is dodgy. Helicopters buzz the trees; a military jet strafes the mountain then crashes somewhere down near Park Royal. Blankets and duvets are brought downstairs and the fire is stoked and everybody camps there. Unspoken is the agreement to not display fear. Yet in spite of the fear, Richard is excited by the fantastic changes of the day. They all are. Richard remembers a few years ago on the Port Mann bridge where he witnessed a five-car pileup coming the other way—that same combination of being special and thrilled. He remembers being the only child in his third-grade class not to get a flu one year.

  Before lights out, Linus asks for helpers to collect water samples to check with the Geiger counter. Shadows of neighbors can be seen walking out in the rain while the quacking sound of ostriches can be heard down the block.

  Karen remembers the exact point of the day when the Great Change began. She’d been sitting alone in the TV room waiting for the noon news rotation on CNN. She was feeling partially angry, restless, and bored, as well as somewhat silly over telling Richard not to go to California.

  “Karen, stop beating yourself up over this,” Richard had said during one of the many arguments on the subject. “Nothing’s going to happen. If I don’t go to Los Angeles, then I’m just enabling your paranoia.”

  “Huh?” Karen remembered that modern people occasionally lapse into a strange jargon of emotional claptrap and hooey. “Richard, I’m only telling you what I saw and heard in my heart.”

  “Please, Karen, don’t make this any harder—please.”

  And so Richard went to Los Angeles. Lois had gone out shopping and George was down at the auto shop; Megan was out with Jenny; and the gang were all out in the world on the one day she knew they oughtn’t be.

  Chilly, she wore three sweaters and a pair of Richard’s gray work socks; her legs that morning were sore and hard to move. She was listlessly watching CNN while trying to unscrew a coffee thermos, at which point the TV screen fuzzed into snow and then flared a brilliant white. She looked up and dropped the thermos. Other lamps in the TV room as well as the kitchen pulsed brightly then browned out while the entire house bumped and wavered as though it were an improperly docking boat.

  “It’s you,” Karen said. “You. You’re finally here.”

  Yes.

  To her right, the glass patio door jiggled as she watched its hook unlatch itself—clack. With a rusty dry squeaking, the glass slid across its floor runner and the rain blew a cluster of brown leaves inside. Karen began to caterpillar her body across the room, a throw rug caught on her numb senseless legs like sacks of potatoes strapped onto her waist. Brisk wet air and rain slapped her face as she neared the sliding door. Oh God, the glass is so heavy. Go away. A tug of war began between herself and the door’s mass.

  Show yourself, Karen said, her weak spindly hands aching as she pushed the door closed ever so slowly. Why’d you do this? Why’d you take my youth? Go away. I know you’re here. That should be enough.

  She was crying, her face wet, her hands red, feeling as though the tendons were peeling like ribbons from her bones. With a final jolt, the door slammed shut and she fell exhausted onto the linoleum’s ancient daisies. There. And then came a crash from the outside, like a tackled football player, oomph, the sliding door’s glass shattering into a spider’s web lace, a million tiny shards in a fraction of a second—yet only a few tiny shards tinkling out from the middle, allowing the wind to whistle through the small remaining hole. Karen screamed and then went silent, laid back on the floor, stared at the ceiling, and waited for what could only be bad news. She grabbed a cool, soft cushion that had fallen from the couch and used it to calm her eyes, holding it over her face. The TV resumed its babbling in the background; Karen found the remote button and began recording a tape.

  She thinks: I had so little time to enjoy the world and now it’s soon to be over. I don’t want to live in what this world is about to become. I yearn to leave my body. I yearn to leave this life quickly and cleanly, as though falling into a mine shaft. I want to climb a mountain—any mountain—and put the world behind me, and when I reach the top turn into a piece of the sun. My body is so weak and scrawny. I miss holding things. I miss wiggling my toes and I miss my period. I never held Megan as a baby.

  She thinks: I used to ski once. The sky would be so cold it ached, but I was warm and I sped down the snow like a dancer. I used to jump and twirl. And I’ve never complained until now—not once. But I wanted to enjoy the world a bit more—just a little bit more.

  She can hear
a helicopter overhead and booms from downtown. It’s happening quickly, isn’t it?

  She closes her eyes and she sees things—images of blood and soil mixed together like the center of a Black Forest cake; Grand Canyons of silent office towers. Houses, coffins, babies, cars, brooms, and bottle caps all burning and draining into the sea and dissolving like candies. There’s a reason for this, she’s sure. She sees a convenience store in Texas, and a black-and-white monitor camera shows two children lying on the floor covered in slush drinks. She sees a nerve gas explosion at Tooele, Utah, a yellow ghost rising to haunt the continent. She sees work cubicles—an office in Sao Paolo, Brazil, yellow sticky notes falling like leaves from a tree onto the carpeting.

  This is the moment she’s been waiting for and dreading. Now it’s here.

  26

  PROGRESS IS OVER

  The next day, Richard and Megan drive through the water-soaked mountain, through ten-thousand ranch homes, some of them burnt or burning, past forlorn souls staggering through the landscape firing pistols at the horizon, their faces haggard and failed.

  Few other cars are driving. Many houses have their doors wide open and the urban animals—the dogs and raccoons and skunks—have been quick to enter. A car is parked in the middle of a lawn; two dead dogs rest upon a driveway’s end.

  All the people we’ve ever known, think Richard and Megan, the best-looking girl in high school; favorite movie stars; old friends; lighthouse keepers and lab technicians. Am-scrayed.

  On Bellevue Avenue, they find Richard’s parents’ condominium blandly indifferent to the world’s transformation. Inside, the clocks still tick; two coffee mugs sit unwashed on the drain board; a calendar reads:

  2:30 Crown fixed

  olive oil

  chicken stock

  asparagus