Don't Panic. Keep Breathing. (TNT Trilogy Book 2)

by Sarah Delany

  “Hi Tate,” he says, extending his hand for me to shake. “Your mother gave me a call this morning and said you would be back. I told her I’d personally help you sort out your classes. So why don’t you come into my office and we can get started?” I don’t say anything as I walk into the room behind him. I take the seat opposite his immaculately clean desk as he sits behind it. He swings around in his chair and shuffles through a pile of papers situated behind him. He grabs what he needs and swings back towards me. “So Tate, it’s late into the school year but we will try to get you into the classes you want, where we can. Now are there any particular classes you want to be in?” he asks, as he raises his eyes to look at me.

  I could care less which classes I get put in but before I can answer, an image of blue eyes cross my vision and I find myself saying, “Human biology. I’d like to be in that class if I could please.” I plaster a fake smile on my face, to cover the sadness momentarily trying to infiltrate me.

  “Human bio, okay let me have a look,” Mr. Sinclair says, as he scans over the papers in his hands. After a moment he leans forward to show me the timetable and the subjects he’s highlighted, to indicate where he could fit me in. “Okay Tate. I can get you into human bio, as long as you don’t mind taking either geography or classical studies,” he says.

  “Classics will do,” I say, as I don’t mind English and it’s closer to English than geography would be.

  “And can you pick between P.E and art?” he asks, highlighting the classics periods on the timetable.

  “P.E,” I tell him, not having an artistic bone in my body. At least if I’m doing P.E, it might help to exhaust me so I can sleep at night.

  “Great,” he says, smiling at me as he continues with his highlighting. “There we go. All done. That worked out well,” he says, and I nod as the classes aren’t too bad. He passes me the timetable then leans back in his chair. “Now Tate, if you are having trouble with anything or if you need someone to talk to, please come and see me. My door is always open. I know you’ve had a hard time of late and I’m here to help you with anything you need,” he rambles on.

  Taking a leaf out of Tamsyn’s book, I turn the fake smile right up and say, “Thanks Mr. Sinclair, I’ll remember that.” Then I stand to leave, with my schedule in hand.

  “I won’t keep you any longer. I don’t want you to be late on your first day back.”

  “Thanks again, Sir,” I say, as I hurry out of there. Glancing at my schedule, I check to see what my first lesson of the day will be and what do you know, it’s human bio.

  I know this school like the back of my hand so I make it to class in record time. It’s twice the size of JP’s school so you would think I could walk around unnoticed but that doesn’t happen. I avoid eye contact with everyone I pass, not wanting to hear their condolences or heartfelt sympathies. I haven’t crossed paths with Xander or Pierce yet. I didn’t text them to let them know I’d be at school so they are in for a surprise. I’m sure I will run into them eventually. I open the door to the class and I’m greeted by Mrs. Browne, my old science teacher.

  “Aww Tate, it’s lovely to see you back at school. I was devastated to hear about Quinn. How are you holding up?” she asks, as she leans forward and grasps both my hands in hers.

  “I’m fine,” I tell her, wanting this conversation to end as soon as possible. Her eyes bore into me and for a minute, I think she might say something else but she lets it go. When people ask how I am, I don’t believe they want an honest answer. Would they look at me weird if I said I’m drowning, and the waves keep dragging me out to sea to continue their torture. My only true friend is the darkness I use to keep me numb so I don’t feel, because if I feel then I will completely crumble and I don’t think I will survive. I fear my heart will stop working. It can’t possibly handle this amount of pain. It physically hurts at times, so I have to keep it contained or I wouldn’t make it through each day. What would she say if that was my answer?

  “There’s a spare seat down the back, if you’d like to take that. If you are having trouble with anything, please come and see me so we can catch you up,” she kindly says. I direct a small smile her way and then hurry to my seat. I packed all the books that I’d already been using this year. Mum wanted to buy me all new things yesterday but I said there was no point. I could make do with what I had already. I search my bag for my human bio book and pull it out. I flip through the pages to find a new blank one to start on.

  As I’m flipping, I’m interrupted by Mrs. Browne instructing the class, “Welcome class to a new week. This week we are going to be focussing on the structure of the eyeball.” My careless flipping stops, as a memory of Tamsyn dissecting the eye flicks through my vision. She looked ridiculously cute, grossed out by the fluid leaking out of the eye. I shake my head, ridding myself of thoughts of her. That’s not what I need right now. I glance down at my book in my hands and see I’m at the page that she wrote her number on. I can’t get away from her. I run my thumb across her writing, the same way I would rub my thumb across her hand to comfort her. Maybe it wasn’t only her I was comforting but myself too. I lay my head on my arms and continue to run my thumb back and forth across the page, needing a link to her to keep me from falling apart. Don’t think Tate. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think.

  It isn’t until lunch that Xander sees me on my way to the cafeteria. He comes up and puts out his hand for a fist bump so I return it.

  “Hey man, why didn’t you tell us you were coming back to school? I could have picked you up this morning,” he says, happy to see me.

  “Sorry Xan, it was a last minute decision to come today. I wanted to psyche myself up to get back into school mode, that’s why I walked. Feel free to pick me up from now on though,” I tell him, with fake enthusiasm.

  “Sweet, I’ll pick you up tomorrow,” he says. “Let’s find Pierce. I’m starving,” he adds, as he exaggerates, rubbing his belly. He opens the door to the cafeteria, holding it for me to walk through first. As soon as I enter, it’s like the whole school zones in on me and silence ensues. You could hear a fricken pin drop. I grind my teeth, keeping myself under control and turn my back on the crowd and face Xander.

  “So anything new with you?” I ask him, hoping if I divert my attention to him, everyone else will forget I’m here.

  “Not really. I was seeing this girl from out of town for a bit but it was too much work with her living so far away. Unfortunately, it fizzled out. On the bright side, at least I found out long distance relationships are not for me,” he tells me, laughing. My mind flickers to the girl who is so far away but has ownership of my heart, and a pang goes through me. I rub my chest to rid myself of the feeling quickly, before he notices his words affect me. He spots Pierce as he walks into the cafeteria behind a few other people.

  “Pierce, look who I found,” he calls out to him, gaining a few looks from the crowded room. Pierce’s face lights up when he sees me.

  “Tate!” he yells, as he jogs the couple of steps it takes to get to me. He wraps me up in a big one armed hug, not caring if people are staring. I’ve been a lousy friend of late. These guys have been my best friends since I was little, and I ignored them when I moved to stay with JP. I forgot about my life here. I pushed my old life out of my head so I wouldn’t have to think. Especially about Quinn. I found it easier to cope that way.

  “Hey,” I say back to him, returning his hug.

  “You good?” he asks, with worry behind his eyes.

  I shrug as I say laughing, “It’s school. It’s not like I’m going to be singing from the chandeliers, now am I?” Both of them join in my laughter but I catch a glimpse of concern crossing Pierce’s face before it’s gone. I was always closer with Pierce, so I know it will probably be harder for me to fool him into thinking everything is fine. As we line up to fill our trays with food, Pierce taps me on the shoulder.

  “So have yo
u seen Avery yet?” Pierce whispers. I take a deep inhale calming myself before I answer.

  “No I haven’t. How has she been?” I don’t want to know the answer. I want to change the subject quickly but I don’t know how.

  “She’s been crying around school every day. I’m not sure she’s handling it. I thought I’d give you a heads up, before you run into her,” he says.

  “Thanks man,” I say, not entirely thankful. I’ve mindlessly loaded my tray with food while I was talking with him, not taking notice of what I was grabbing. Luckily I’m not fussy and I don’t have any food allergies to worry about. The news that my sister’s best friend is a mess, made me go into autopilot. The fact I was hooking up with her, behind my sister’s back, for a few weeks before her suicide attempt makes me sick. I’m hoping I can delay seeing her for a while. That’s one can of worms I don’t want to open.

  For once, luck is on my side and I don’t see any sign of Avery for the whole day. Guess that’s the good thing about going to such a big school. I’m sure I won’t be able to avoid her forever. One of her friends, no doubt, has probably already filled her in on my return. Hooking up with Avery is one of my biggest regrets. She and Quinn had been best friends for the last few years. They’d always hung out in the same group but only in the last few years did they get a bit closer. Avery was always around at our house and it was clear to everyone, she had a crush on me. She didn’t try to hide it. I didn’t take much notice of her because I didn’t want to go out with my sister’s best friend and have something happen, potentially wrecking their friendship. It wasn’t until I got drunk at a party about six months ago, she hit on me and something happened. I was too out of it to fend her off like I usually did. For a second I was weak and gave in. I was lonely and I didn’t want to push her away. She is gorgeous but she knows it and flaunts it. She has long light brown hair with blonde highlights through it. She could be a model with her height and figure. Her dark brown, almond eyes are always framed with perfect makeup. I can’t remember what she looks like without her face done up.

  For a few weeks after the party, we were sneaking around behind Quinn’s back. Pierce only knew what was going on as he’d seen us hooking up at the party. She got a bit too intense, too quickly and more demanding, the more we hooked up so I decided to cool things. It is exactly what I didn’t want happening. She wanted to have sex but I was not going to let my first time be with my sister’s best friend. I’d told her one day at school that we couldn’t see each other any more. I thought she was fine with it but she kept flirting with me and being a bit too handsy. She kept texting me so I had to set her straight. I don’t know why she couldn’t get it through her head. It was like she kept hoping I would change my mind. That was a few days before Quinn took all the pills. I saw her at the funeral but I kept my distance. Pretty sure I won’t be able to keep her away from me forever.

  Xander gives me a ride home from school and reminds me he will be there in the morning to pick me up. Pierce plays in a few different school sports teams so usually has some training after school, so he very rarely rides home with us. I enter the house and my mum is there, like I suspected she would be.

  “How was school? Did you get into the classes you wanted?” she asks.

  “Yeah, it was fine, Mum. Classes are fine,” I say with a flat tone, my only thought is getting to my room as fast as possible to avoid the third degree.

  “That’s great, Tate. I knew it would be good for you to get back to school,” she says, relief flooding her voice. I scurry to my room and close the door. I flop on my bed and let the exhaustion of the day take over. It’s tiring pretending everything is fine and I’m happy. Life in general is tiring. I don’t know how Tamsyn did it for so long.

  A vibration in my pocket grabs my attention. It’s a text but I see the name on the screen and choose to put my phone down, not opening it. The can of worms can stay firmly shut for another day.

  Chapter 6

  -- Tate --

  I manage to avoid Avery all of Tuesday morning, but my luck runs out and she catches up with me at lunch time.

  “Tate,” I hear her squeal, as she sees me in the cafeteria, drawing attention to herself. She runs up to me, flinging herself into my stiff arms and before I can peel her off of me, I hear her whimpering into my shoulder. People are staring at us so I wrap my arms around her, not wanting to appear callous. I feel a grip on my shoulder and angle my head to see who it is, and I lock eyes with a sympathetic Pierce. He is the only person who knows how hard it was to let Avery down the first time so he feels my pain.

  “It’s okay Avery,” I tell her, as I lead her over to a table and find a seat so I can disengage from her. I sit her down and take the seat opposite her. Funny, for someone who was supposed to be crying, her makeup is still flawless. No hint of redness in her eyes either, they’re still as white as ever. My guard goes up and I suspect someone is using my sister’s death to get sympathy from me, something I can’t stand.

  “You’re fine now Avery,” I say, clenching my jaw and tearing myself out of her clutches.

  “It’s been so horrible, Tate. I’ve been a mess,” she says, wiping away a non-existent tear from her eye. “Did you get my text? I heard from Monique you were back at school,” she says, trying to change the subject. I still haven’t opened her text. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about it.

  “No, I didn’t,” I lie. Her face drops but she quickly regathers herself. She leans forward, sticking her tits out, and runs a sharp fingernail over my hand.

  “When I heard you were back, I thought we could pick up where we left off,” she says, in what I assume is supposed to be a seductive voice. My eyes roam over this gorgeous girl and I feel nothing. She’s beautiful on the outside but that’s it. I have no feelings towards her. My heart is too broken to feel anything right now. Yeah right, more like I left my heart behind with the blue eyed fairy in the green dress, and I don’t know how to function without her. I’ll keep telling myself it’s because I’m broken. The lie is much easier to swallow than the truth.

  “Avery, I already told you I couldn’t be with you,” I tell her, not caring if I hurt her feelings at this point. I only want to get away from her.

  “We can help each other through our grief Tate. We’re both hurting,” she says, trying a different angle but I’m not buying it.

  “No Avery. I’m not the same person I was,” I say standing, because if I don’t get away soon, I will snap at her and it’s not something I want to do in front of a crowd.

  She must see it’s a losing battle so she says, “Fine Tate, I just thought we could be there for each other. If you ever need me, you know where to find me.” She hastily pulls out her chair and leaves the cafeteria.

  I join the end of the line, grab a tray of food and locate Pierce and Xander seated at a table by the window. I weave my way through the scattered tables to join them.

  “Did you manage to dodge the bullet?” Pierce asks, holding in his laughter and I roll my eyes. Xander glances between us. His eyes light up when it clicks into place.

  “You and Avery?” he quietly shrieks my way.

  “Keep it down, would you?” I tell him, as I take a bite from my apple. While I chew the piece in my mouth I say, “There’s no me and Avery. It was over before it began.”

  “You didn’t sleep with her, did you?” Xander asks, as his nose wrinkles in disgust.

  “No I didn’t. Still got my V plates,” I say emotionless, and they both laugh at me.

  “I can’t believe you are still hanging onto It man. You’re seventeen. Don’t you think it’s about time you gave it up already? Not to Avery but someone?” Xander questions.

  “Leave him alone Xan. You know he wants it to be special with the magical princess he keeps wishing for,” Pierce says, and they both crack up with laughter.

  “Green fairy,” I mutter before I can stop myself, and t
hey laugh louder.

  “Sorry, my mistake. It’s a magical green fairy from a fairy tale land he’s waiting for,” Pierce says, as they cackle with laughter. They know I’ve been waiting for someone special for years now. What they don’t know is I have already found her, and I left her behind.

  -- Tamsyn --

  The guys have increased their protective factor by a thousand percent. Someone is always walking with me to my classes. I am sure they have enlisted the help of Penny too because she walks with me when I know the boys’ classes are on the other side of the school. They would be late if they had to take me to my class and then race back to theirs. I understand them not wanting me to be on my own, in case Blake tries something but I highly doubt he will. I’m pretty sure he got the message, loud and clear. His nose is all bruised and it runs under his eyes. Thick strips of white bandage cover his nose, making him look like he had a nose job. Every time he sees me, he whips around and high tails it in the other direction. I notice Parker, Chloe and Leyla all still sit with him at lunch. It doesn’t look like him and Leyla are a couple though. I have a feeling he dumped her as soon as the excitement and novelty wore off. I’ve heard whispers from people saying he got his nose broken because he was forcing himself on a girl at Penny’s party. No one saw it was Rafe who punched him thankfully. If they had, I’m sure they would come to the conclusion I was the girl and no one has said anything to me about it yet. I hope it stays this way. I’ve had enough drama this year at school already, I don’t need any more.

  The past few days I’ve been going through the motions and not engaging in class. I’m still feeling lost without Tate. I want to text him but I stop myself before I do. I don’t think my heart can handle any more rejection from him. I’m not sure if the guys have heard from him either. They don’t mention him so neither do I. It’s like an unspoken rule with our friendship now. Nobody mention Tate or you will face the firing squad.