Don't Panic. Keep Breathing. (TNT Trilogy Book 2)

by Sarah Delany

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about?” she grits out, knowing she’s been called out on her lies. I can’t take it anymore. Staring at this girl, who Quinn called a best friend, makes me furious with how she is acting now and I snap.

  “Avery, my sister fucken died,” I scream at her, and she takes a step back. Startled, she drops her arms to her side, waiting to see what I’ll do next. “She died and you were supposed to be her best friend. What kind of friend, especially a best friend, does this shit? Tell me because I’m clueless,” I yell, my body heaving with the pent up emotions I’m throwing at her.

  “I uh I umm…” she mumbles. I close my eyes and rub my forehead trying to ease the headache she is causing.

  “Did you ever care about me or was I just a game to you?” I demand.

  “Of course I care about you,” she says, quietly.

  “Well you have a funny way of showing it. If you gave a damn about me or Quinn, you wouldn’t be doing this. I’m fucken messed up over Quinn. I don’t need this bullshit in my life. You need to let it go. We are never going to be together. Just let me grieve for my sister in peace,” I yell, and then wait, staring at the girl in front of me who I feel nothing for.

  She starts sniffling and says, “I’m sorry. I like you and I thought we were good together,” she tries to reason.

  “Avery please. For my sake, let it go. Give me Pierce’s phone and we can put all this behind us,” I plead, my vision becoming blurry from unwelcome tears I didn’t want her to see.

  The tears must win her over because she lets out a sigh and says, “Fine. It was me who sent the photo to your cousin off Pierce’s phone. Wait here, I’ll grab it.” She rushes inside and is back a minute later. She holds it out for me and I take it.

  “So you set the whole thing up with the photo?” I quiz her. It’s the reason I came over after all; to learn the truth.

  She chuckles before saying, “It was easy. You were so wasted. I thought it would take a lot more to get you alone. I snapped the photos then you started going on about blue eyes and pushed me off and ran out of the room,” she says, still frustrated about the whole thing.

  “So we didn’t hook up?” I need it clarified. She shakes her head.

  “No we didn’t. Will that help you sleep at night?” Jeez this girl is a whole other level of psycho.

  “Yes it will,” I say, relief washing over me.

  I turn to leave and she says, “I don’t know what you see in her. She’s not pretty at all,” she snarls at me. I smile back as I leave because she doesn’t need to see what I see. No one does. It’s what drew me to Tamsyn in the first place. I saw something in her no one else did. She will always be beautiful in my eyes. How can she not be when she’s my light in the darkness. She’s the one my soul craves. I can try to deny it all I want but it’s still there. I wish it hadn’t taken me this long to come to my senses.

  I spend the rest of the evening racing around, sorting things out. My first stop is Pierce’s where I hand him back his phone and fill him in on what Avery did. He checks his phone and sure enough, the evidence is there. She didn’t think to delete the texts she sent JP. They were still there for anyone to see.

  Next, I ring JP on my way home from Pierce’s and explain everything to him. After I told him Avery confirmed we didn’t hook up, he reiterated what he said in his texts. I have to make a decision. If I was in Tamsyn’s life, then I was in. I couldn’t disappear or push her away again. If I couldn’t be the person she needed me to be then he wanted me to give her up. It was not an option I wanted to consider. Not after I’d realised how much I need her. I need her like she needed me. She never asked for my help. I gave it willingly but now I need hers. After pushing her away, I don’t care if I have to resort to begging. I will do whatever it takes.

  Chapter 17

  -- Tate --

  I lay in bed that night wondering what I should say to her. How do I explain the photo to her? I’m still a mess but JP’s words echo in my thoughts. How can I be what she needs when I can’t deal with this grief? I won’t let it in most days. Maybe that’s my problem. By shutting the grief out, I am making it worse. How can I willingly unleash the pain on my heart when I know it will break me? Am I able to endure the anguish so I can be who Tamsyn needs me to be? I can try. I can do it for her and for me. Will her light be enough to pull me through?

  I keep second guessing myself and the clock keeps ticking. It’s eleven o’clock now and I still haven’t found the courage or sorted out what I’m going to say to her. With sweaty hands I send her a short text message to see if she is still awake.

  Tate: Hi

  I don’t have to wait long before her reply pops up.

  Tamsyn: Hi

  I smile to myself in the dark and sink deeper into the blankets. Falling back into our familiar pattern is easy. I can do this.

  Tate: Can’t sleep?

  Tamsyn: No. You the same?

  I get the urge to hear her voice and before I can stop myself, I’m calling her number and holding the phone to my ear, eagerly waiting for her to answer.

  “Hi,” she shyly says, and I swear my heart sighs out loud. A feeling of ease takes over me which only she can ignite.

  “How are you?” I ask, suddenly at a loss of how to bring up the conversation.

  “I’m okay,” she replies, her fall back answer. She’d say that even when her world was falling apart.

  “The photo wasn’t what you think,” I blurt out, and bite down on my fist to stop myself from blurting out anything else. I hear her sharp intake of breath.

  She’s silent for a beat before she says, “Tate, it’s fine if you are seeing someone, you don’t need to explain.” I can hear the sadness behind her words. I wish she wasn’t hurting right now because of me.

  “I’m not, I wouldn’t,” I ramble, my brain not able to keep up with my mouth. She stays silent while I gather my thoughts. “Can I explain please?” I beg.

  “Okay,” she softly says.

  “So there’s this girl Avery, she was Quinn’s best friend. I was hooking up with her before Quinn did what she did.” I still can’t bring myself to say she committed suicide because that’s what she did. She lay in a hospital bed for weeks after the fact but it is still what ultimately led to her death. It is a hard pill to swallow, it probably always will be. I take a big breath and continue. “I called it off when I realised I shouldn’t be messing around with Quinn’s friend. Plus she got a bit too full on.” I stop for a beat to give her time to process my words before I carry on. “When I came back here, she thought I’d want to get back with her but that’s not the case. I don’t want her.” I want you, I say in my head. Can she hear my unspoken words? “She couldn’t take me rejecting her. I went to a party and got so drunk, she dragged me into a room and set those pictures up. She admitted it to me tonight. She also clarified that we didn’t do anything. She found Pierce’s phone at the party and she’s the one who sent JP the photo. She sent it to everyone at my school,” I say, still frustrated at what lengths she went to.

  “Why did she send the photo to JP?” she asks, quietly.

  “Because she found out about you and wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry Tamsyn, it’s all my fault,” I mumble, not sure what else to say.

  “When was the photo taken?” she asks.

  “It was the other night when I rang you from Quinn’s grave,” I whisper my confession. I still have a hard time mentioning her name. My heart thunders in my chest. We sit there listening to the other person breathing, both lost in our own thoughts.

  She breaks the silence saying, “Okay, I believe you,” and my thundering heart nearly leaps out of my chest.

  “I’m sorry,” I say again.

  “It’s fine,” she says, trying to ease my guilt.

  “No it’s not. I’m truly sorry it hurt you. You should have never had to see the
photo. I don’t want you to think the worst of me,” I plead, hoping she hears how sorry I am in my voice.

  She lets out an audible breath and says, “Tate, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. You can do what you want.” The hurt I have caused her is still evident in her strained voice. I feel like I’m losing her and I don’t know what to say to get her back. I need her more than ever. If she doesn’t believe me now, I need to show her how much I need her. In the cloak of darkness, I siphon all the courage I have inside and whisper her words to me. The same ones she never remembered from our first conversation. I need her to help save me because I can’t save myself. I need her to save me before I’m completely lost to the darkness.

  “Would you save me if I was drowning?” I ask. Time stands still, her rushed breaths are the only sound. I focus on her inhale and exhale, waiting for her reply. My own breaths speed up but I force myself to gain control. How can I move forward if I can’t control this part of me?

  “Yes,” is her soft reply, and my heart sighs.

  “Promise?” I ask. Knowing her memory holds no recognition of our former conversation when the tables were turned.

  “I promise,” she meekly says. Emotions bubble up in me and my hand shakes, holding the phone. I wriggle down further in the bed, trying to hide in case anyone else can hear my secrets I dare to speak out loud.

  “Sweetness?” I shudder.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m drowning,” I sob, and the floodgates burst open, releasing all the hurt and pain out of me. Opening up and letting someone in is a release in itself.

  “I’m here Tate. I’m here,” I hear Tamsyn say on the line, trying to comfort me. I hear her own sniffles between my cries and that’s how we stay for I don’t know how long. Two broken souls connected through a phone line. One trying to comfort the other from miles away. “Let it all out Tate, you can’t hold it in,” she whispers, and the more I cry, the more overwhelmed I become. A switch flips and my breaths turn short and sharp. No, not now. I have control over this, don’t I? I try to control my breathing but it doesn’t work. With my heart beating faster, I try drawing breaths into my lungs but it’s futile, it feels suffocating.

  “Tate!” I hear her firmly scream. “Don’t think, remember. Turn it off now. That’s enough,” she tells me. Don’t think. I’d forgotten my mantra but she remembers and says the words I need to hear. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. I repeat, pushing all my thoughts to the side and focussing on her instead. “Just breathe, Tate. Keep breathing. That’s it,” she repeats, until I get my breathing under control. “I’ve got you Tate. I’m here,” she says softer, patiently letting me calm myself down in my own time. “I’m here,” her wobbly voice whispers.

  I don’t want to talk anymore, feeling drained from my outlet. I wish she was here in my arms.

  “Can we stay on the line until we fall asleep?” I shyly ask, my confidence lacking now when it comes to this girl who has become my anchor; in a sea full of pain. She’s keeping me from drifting out into the wide ocean of darkness.

  “I’m not going anywhere Tate, sleep now. I’ll be here,” she gently says, and I close my eyes while keeping my phone to my ear. Listening to her soothing breaths, calms me and lulls me into a welcome sleep.

  Chapter 18

  -- Tamsyn --

  Sleepily I rub my eyes before peeling them open, still in a daze. I stretch my arms and legs out, releasing the tightness in my stiff body. Turning my head it hits a cold, hard surface. Flipping my body over, I see my phone lying on my pillow and the memory of last night washes over me.

  Clumsily grabbing it, I see the call is still going so I put it to my ear and say, “Tate?”

  “Hi,” is all he says, sounding wide awake. A warmth spreads through my body as a smile widens on my face.

  “You’re still there?” I say, amazed neither of our phones accidentally hung up during the night.

  “Yeah, I’m still here,” he says quietly.

  “How long have you been awake?” I ask, because he sounds more awake than I feel.

  “Long enough to hear your cute little snores,” he says, chuckling.

  “Hey, I don’t snore,” I protest, and he laughs so loud, my breath catches. It’s been forever since I’ve heard him laugh.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. It’ll be our little secret,” he says, with a smile in his voice which keeps my own smile firmly in place.

  “Such a comedian today, aren’t you?” I add with sarcasm, and I hear his chuckle. “It’s good to hear you laugh,” I blurt, and I hear his exhale.

  “It feels good to laugh too,” he sadly replies. “Thanks Tamsyn.”

  “Anytime. That’s what best friends are for,” I say.

  “Well best friend, I would love to keep chatting but I better get ready for school or I’ll be late,” he says, with a hint of sadness. I quickly glance at the time on my phone and realise he’s right. I’ll be late too if I don’t get a move on.

  “Yeah I better go too,” I say, reluctant to hang up.

  “Have a good day Tamsyn,” he says, and my heart throbs a bit because he’s gone back to calling me Sweetness occasionally instead of all the time. It’s a start though.

  “You too, Tate,” I say, as I hang up. I rush to get ready and make it downstairs to meet the guys in the car at record speed. I’ve never gotten ready for school so fast before.

  When I slide into my seat in the car, I must look like a whirlwind. I didn’t have enough time to tie up my hair.

  “Wow, what’s got you all flustered this morning?” Rafe points out.

  “Woke up late. I don’t look too bad, do I?” I ask, which has Rafe turning to face me from the front as JP pulls the car away from the curb.

  He stares at my face for a minute before saying, “Nope, as beautiful as ever Petal,” and winking at me. My wide smile shines at him and I catch JP watching me, with a smile of his own in the rear view mirror.

  “From your smile, I take it you sorted things with Tate?” JP asks, and I nod.

  “Yeah he explained the photo,” I tell them, not saying anything else about our conversation.

  “Avery sounds like a right little witch, doesn’t she?” Rafe says, and I can’t help but crack up.

  “Yes she does,” I say, and sit back in my seat, relaxing. I hope Tate and I have turned a corner. I couldn’t handle it if he pushed me away again.

  It’s Wednesday morning so Rafe, JP and I walk to our first aid lesson which I’m excited for. The class was more fun than I thought it would be. Lily and Zac greet us as we enter and we take our seats as we wait for the last few people to arrive.

  “Welcome back everyone. Today we are going to be learning an important part of first aid, CPR. Can anyone tell me what CPR stands for?” Lily asks, directing her question to the group. Everyone gives her a blank stare so she continues. “CPR stands for cardiopulmonary resuscitation. It’s an emergency procedure where we use mouth to mouth respirations combined with chest compressions. This helps deliver oxygenated blood to vital organs such as the heart and brain. Zac here is going to demonstrate on our lovely CPR dummy while I talk you through it.” Zac drags the dummy in front of our semi circle and positions himself on his knees.

  “CPR is important because if you can give someone CPR correctly for a few minutes before help like us arrives, you can save their life. What we are teaching you is a tool to help buy the victim time for help to arrive.” Everyone is listening intently to what Lily has to say.

  “Before you dive straight into CPR, you need to assess the situation and make sure you are safe yourself before you proceed. For example if there are fallen power lines around, you shouldn’t attempt anything. You would need to wait for emergency services. It’s up to you to make the call on whether the situation is safe for you to proceed. If you deem it safe, you can either remove the hazard or re
move the victim from the danger. Is everyone still with me?” she asks and we all nod.

  “Okay, so you’ve called emergency services and you’ve checked the situation. It’s clear to proceed so next you will do what we call the ABC’s of first aid. Does anyone know what the letters stand for?”

  Someone calls out, ‘airway’ while another person calls out, ‘breathing.’

  “That’s right. A is for airway, B is for breathing and C is for circulation. Zac is going to demonstrate how to check these so watch him while I talk.

  Everyone’s eyes zone in on Zac as Lily continues, “Starting with airway. You want the victim face up so if they are face down, gently roll them over.” Zac turns the dummy face down so he can show us how to safely turn someone over. He places a hand on the back of the neck and his other hand on the hip, and rolls the dummy over. “Next you need to open the victim’s airway. You can flick your finger in their mouth to clear out anything blocking it. Kneeling next to the victim, you place one hand on their forehead and gently tilt their head back, using two fingers on the chin not on the throat.” All eyes are still on Zac.

  “Now for breathing. With their airway open, you need to look, listen and feel for any signs of breathing. You place your ear by their mouth for five to ten seconds with your eyes directed at their chest to watch and see if it rises and falls. Also check for any signs of circulation, which includes groaning, coughing or any movement,” she says. Zac leans back so we can continue listening to Lily.

  “If the victim has signs of circulation but is not breathing, you want to move to rescue breathing. If the victim has no signs of breathing or circulation then that’s when full CPR comes into play. I want you to split into groups and we are going to role play the first part. You will assess the scene, roll the victim over and then go through your ABC’s. Once I’m confident you all have the basics sorted, we will move on to CPR.”

  We split off into groups and I join Rafe and JP, taking turns at playing the victim and the first responder. I can’t help but giggle when Rafe tickles under my chin when trying to tilt my head.