Don't Panic. Keep Breathing. (TNT Trilogy Book 2)

by Sarah Delany

  It rings and rings and just before I’ve given up hope, I hear his strained voice say, “Hey Tamsyn.” He sounds tired.

  I can’t imagine the day he’s had but I don’t want to hide the fact I know so I softly say, “Happy birthday Tate.” He doesn’t answer at first but I can hear his laboured breathing through the line. I give him time, waiting, hoping he doesn’t fall apart from my words.

  It takes him a few minutes then he says, “Thanks,” so quietly, I wouldn’t have heard it if I wasn’t eagerly waiting for a reply.

  “It’s probably a dumb question but how has your day been?” I ask, hoping he will be honest. I want all of this boy; the messy parts too.

  “It’s been hard. I miss her so damn much,” his voice shakes, and I can hear the sniffles he tries to hide.

  “I’m sorry Tate. I can’t imagine what today’s been like but I’m here if you want to talk.” I hate that my words can’t comfort him. No words were ever able to comfort me.

  “Hold on for a minute. I’m going to send you something,” he says, so I wait, not knowing what it could be. The notification comes through my phone so I put my phone on speaker and check the picture he’s sent. My breath catches. He got a tattoo.

  “It’s beautiful Tate. I bet she would have loved the tribute to her,” I tell him, not able to take my eyes off the picture. It doesn’t help that the tattoo is on the skin of the sweet boy I miss. In my mind I can feel him, if I try hard enough.

  “I hope so, because it hurt like hell,” he says, laughing lightly but with the earlier signs of sadness still lingering.

  “Can you explain the daisy chain halo?” I ask, hoping he will talk about her.

  With a hint of a smile in his voice he says, “She would drag me outside when we were little and make me spend hours out there with her making daisy chains. I remember her always smiling and laughing in our yard, working so hard to get them perfect.” He’s lost in thought, remembering a happy moment with Quinn. “It’s weird but having the tattoo on me makes me feel closer to her, like a part of her is still with me.”

  “I don’t think it’s weird at all. We all have our ways to cope and deal with grief, this is one of yours,” I tell him. We are both silent for a minute then I break it by asking, “Have you got any plans for the rest of your birthday?”

  “I was hoping we could watch some movies again. I’m all birthdayed out, I just wanna forget for a minute.” His words drift on but I understand. That’s all I want to do sometimes too, forget about the fact my dad is gone. If I can help Tate with this small thing, then I will.

  “Since it’s your birthday I’ll let you choose the movie but only this once,” I tell him, hoping humour will distract him.

  “You might regret that when I pick the scariest movie I can find,” he laughs, and I cringe.

  “No please don’t do that because then I won’t be able to go to the bathroom during the night. I’ll be too scared,” I say, hoping he will hear how much of a chicken I am right now.

  It has him full on laughing then he says, “Fine then, no horror. Don’t want you peeing the bed tonight.” He starts cracking up again.

  “Oh my gosh, that’s so not funny,” I defend, but then I’m cracking up and that’s how we spend the rest of his birthday. Joking, watching movies, and distracting him from the fact he had his first birthday without his twin. Now I’m dreading my first birthday without my dad.

  Chapter 22

  -- Tate --

  It’s been a few days since my birthday. It was weird. I had moments where I forgot for a second it was my birthday and Quinn wasn’t there. The moments I remembered she was gone were the worst; my heart physically hurt. I’ve started using my numb switch a lot less since I read the letter Quinn wrote to herself. I imagine she wrote it to me so I will push myself to deal with these feelings inside, instead of burying them in the dark. I still don’t understand how Quinn could do what she did. If I dwell on it, it makes me angry so I shift my focus to the fact I know she wouldn’t want me suffering. She wouldn’t want me to go through what she did, so I need to persevere and let the light in.

  Xander and Pierce came around on Saturday to hang out. They had messaged me on my birthday but I never replied. The same with JP. I didn’t want to face anyone else that day. I almost didn’t answer Tamsyn’s call but my heart overrode my mind on that one. I’m glad it did because she took my mind off everything for a few hours.

  My tattoo is starting to peel now, and it’s bloody itchy as hell. I have to keep putting cream on it like the tattooist said. I believe having the tattoo has helped in a way. Xander and Pierce were as excited as I was to show them. Now they’re talking about getting their own tattoos.

  It’s Tuesday today. I’m at school with the guys eating lunch. The rumours of me and Avery have finally died down. I think everyone was still wary of approaching me because of Quinn so no one has said anything. Avery has kept her distance too since I learnt the truth from her and I’m thankful. I don’t need her drama in my life right now.

  A vibration in my pocket distracts me from the guy’s chat about Pierce scoring the winning point in his basketball game last night. I pull it out and there’s a message from an unknown number. I open it and read the long message. My heart beat picks up pace but not because of a panic attack. This time they pick up because a plan forms in my mind. A plan I don’t think I could stop if I wanted to because this time my mind tries to tell my heart what to do, but my heart kindly tells it to, ‘Shut Up.’

  I spend the rest of the day distracted in my thoughts. Racing through the big red door, I yell for my parents and put my plan in motion.

  Chapter 23

  -- Tamsyn --

  It’s been a few weeks now since Tate’s birthday. We talk nearly every day. He sounded distracted again. I’m not sure why or what’s caused it. I let him be, hoping he will talk to me when he wants to. I’ve had my own stuff on my mind too, which I haven’t wanted to focus on. Focussing on school and Tate has been a good distraction.

  It’s finally the day for the observatory visit. They made us give up half of our Saturday to do it but the ones who did the fishing expedition had to give up their whole Saturday so at least it’s only half. After being unsure about this trip to start with, I’m quite excited now. The self-defence classes have been fun and the sewing is coming in handy too, I must say. At least I don’t need to safety pin my skirt now I’ve learnt how to take it in.

  I get ready and then have a quick bite to eat for lunch. JP said he would pick me and the guys up about one o’clock. I’m rinsing my plate in the sink when my phone dings. I wipe my hands to dry them on the tea towel and open the message.

  JP: Hey, outside. Ready when you are.

  I don’t need to take anything else so I shove my phone into my pocket. Since it’s not a school day, we are allowed to wear whatever we want which is great. I think wearing our uniforms on a Saturday would have made this excursion way less fun.

  “Bye Mum, I’m off now,” I call to her, as I skip to the front door in high spirits. It’s a sunny day outside with clear blue skies so should be the perfect day to see stars tonight.

  “Bye dear, enjoy yourself,” Mum replies from her seat on the couch, buried in a book she picked out from the library. It’s nice to see her doing things she used to before Dad died. I get so caught up in my own grief sometimes I forget she lost her husband and it must be as hard, if not harder, as me losing my dad. We are both grieving for the same person but in totally different ways. I silently watch her for a second, taking her in before I open the door.

  Closing the door behind me, a smile spreads across my face as I see Rafe hanging out the passenger window, waiting for me.

  “Come on Petal, pick up the pace,” he teases, with a huge grin plastered on his face.

  “Yeah yeah, I’m coming,” I say in reply, as I hop in my usual seat in the car. We drive to Sc
ott’s and he’s already outside his house waiting for us.

  “Are many students coming on this trip today?” JP asks, as Scott takes his seat with me at the back.

  “Hey guys. Umm I think around twenty or so. I know a lot more wanted to do fishing when they heard they got to go on a yacht,” Scott says, joining in the conversation.

  “Why didn’t you guys tell me it was a yacht? I could’ve worked on my tan,” Rafe says from the front.

  “That’s all you would have done and we wouldn’t have caught any fish. Plus Scott gets seasick, remember. We’re supposed to be sticking by our mate,” JP says, as he nudges Rafe with his arm to remind him why we all decided to go on this trip in the first place.

  “Thanks guys, I appreciate it. Would’ve sucked to do this alone,” Scott says.

  “No worries bro, I’m sure this day is going to be epic,” JP says excitedly, and I’m sure I catch a glimpse of him winking at Rafe. I have no idea what is going on with those two and to be honest, I don’t think I want to know.

  We pull into the school car park and JP parks up beside Penny’s car. She sees us and waves as she gets out and comes around to my door. I scoot over so she can jump in next to me.

  “Why did we decide to meet half an hour early? No one else is here yet,” she whines.

  “It’s because you are always late, Pen. We had to make sure you arrived on time so you didn’t miss it,” JP says, with a smile in his voice from the front.

  “I’m hungry. Anyone got any food?” Rafe asks, hopeful.

  “You’re always hungry,” I tease him from my seat.

  “I’m a growing boy Tamsyn, I gotta keep my muscles fueled,” he says, as he flexes his bulging arms which makes me laugh.

  “I’ve got a couple of muesli bars in my car if you want them?” Penny asks him.

  “What flavour?” Rafe asks. “On second thought, it doesn’t matter. I’ll eat anything at this point,” he says, rubbing his belly.

  Penny opens her door and walks over to her car in search of the muesli bars for Rafe.

  “How long ago did you last eat?” JP asks.

  “Not long before you picked me up man, but you know me, I’ve gotta eat constantly to keep my metabolism going,” he says.

  “I think you use that as an excuse to eat whenever you want,” I chime in, and he turns and winks at me, which has me smiling to myself.

  Penny gets back in the car handing a couple of bars to Rafe. He doesn’t check to see what flavour they are. He rips open the package and bites off half of the first bar straight away.

  “Hmmm, it’s hitting the spot,” Rafe mumbles, between his bites with his mouth full.

  As we sit there listening to Rafe chew his snack, other cars pull into the carpark. Blake’s car is amongst them. Great, just my luck he had to be coming on the trip. It isn’t until he gets out and is followed by Parker, Leyla and Chloe, my heart drops more. Looks like they are all going on the trip.

  “Ugh, why are they coming to the observatory? They should have gone fishing and someone should have pushed them all overboard,” Rafe says, and we all crack up laughing. It would have made my day if someone had pushed them into the water.

  We catch sight of the teachers accompanying us on the trip, so we get out of the car and walk over to the big concrete stairs to wait for the bus. Ms. Chadwick is one of them, which makes me smile. She’s always kind to me. It’s a bit of a drive to get out to the observatory so I hope we can sit where we want. I don’t want to be anywhere near Blake and the others. We don’t need to wait long before the big yellow bus is pulling up beside us.

  “Okay students, before we hop on the bus, Mr. Finnegan and I are going to be handing out name badges which are two different colours. The colour determines the group you will be in for the day. At the observatory, please stay in your groups until we get back on the bus. If you can line up in an orderly fashion, we will hand your badges out as you get on the bus,” Ms. Chadwick instructs us.

  We all shuffle into line. Please let me be with Penny and the guys. If I get stuck with Blake and the others, it would be the worst day ever. As the line gets shorter, it’s Penny’s turn next. She gets handed her name badge and hops on the bus. Ms. Chadwick hands me my blue one, and winks at me as I take it. I follow Penny onto the bus. All the back seats are taken so we take seats at the front, where there’s enough room for the guys to sit close by.

  “What colour did you get?” I ask Penny, as soon as I sit down.

  She turns her badge towards me, “Blue,” she says, as I see the colour for myself and a grin takes over my face.

  “Yay, at least me and you are together,” I tell her, as we pin our badges on our tops. The guys all get onto the bus and one by one, they show me their blue badges. They take seats in the four seater space in front of us.

  “Woohoo the blue crew. Observatory, here we come,” Rafe hollers, and I can’t help but feel excited knowing we are all in the same group. It will make this trip more enjoyable. The bus ride there doesn’t take long at all because we chat and laugh the whole way.

  Getting off the bus we are ushered to our two different groups. I see Blake, Parker and Chloe are all in the other group while Leyla is in ours. I don’t let that get me down though, I will just avoid her.

  As the bus pulls away to find a place to park, we all stand on the footpath, waiting to enter the observatory building. It’s a brick building with what looks like a few different sections, all connected together. In the middle is the tallest structure which, from down here, looks like it has a look out point at the top. Off to the left there are two sections with dome structures on the top. I wonder why they are different.

  “Now, you are to stay with your group at all times. Myself and Mrs. Hopman will be with the blue group and Mr. Finnegan and Ms. Dawson will be with the red group. To start we are all together for a seminar and then we will split up. So follow me and enjoy your afternoon,” Ms. Chadwick says, and then leads us towards the old brick building.

  We follow her into the observatory and we are welcomed by a man in his late twenties, sporting a mullet. I didn’t think mullets existed anymore. His enthusiastic smile takes over his whole face as he leads us into a lecture theatre. We all shuffle into rows, pull down our seats and settle in to listen. We aren’t being graded on this so we don’t need to take notes but we are supposed to listen. I’m seated between Penny and Rafe. I look around and can see Scott down the end of our row, pulling out a notepad and pen.

  Our tour guide starts the seminar with information on the building itself. It was built before world war one and is a heritage site and public observatory. He continues on, saying they usually have either day tours or night tours. It won’t be dark enough for the night tour since it’s only the afternoon but they have an indoor night replica display we will get to experience, near the end of the tour. I lean back in my chair and focus on what he’s saying.

  Forty-five minutes later and he is done. He talked about the sun, moon and all the planets and then moved onto the stars and galaxies. As we are led out of the lecture room, we split off into our two groups. Our group is going to look at the sun telescope first. We traipse up some stairs and come out onto an open rooftop with a telescope there. As I look over the edge, I see this is the tall structure I saw earlier.

  Our tour guide explains you should never directly look at the sun with your eyes or with a telescope without the right filters because it can cause serious harm to your eyes. With the telescope they have, it enables us to look at it safely.

  “When most people think about observatories, they think about night and the stars but many forget about our closest star, the sun. The sun is a very complex object but is easy to observe. You can use different types of lenses to view different elements,” our guide tells us. It’s true what he’s saying as I never considered we would be looking at the sun on this field trip. “Okay, so if you
’d like to line up, we will take turns observing the sun through the telescope here. It is already fitted with the filters so there’s no need to worry about your eyes,” he instructs. We all move into line and wait our turn.

  Rafe is up first and as soon as his eye hits the eyepiece we hear a big, “Wow,” which makes me chuckle. It must be a good sight if it’s holding Rafe’s attention. As I’m watching Rafe, who is entranced by what he sees, I feel a tap on my shoulder which has me turning around. That’s when I see it’s Leyla.

  “What?” I snap, as I fold my arms over my chest. She hasn’t tried to talk to me since the day I blew up at all of them in the cafeteria.

  “Can I talk to you for a minute please, Tam?” she asks with her head down, wringing her hands. I’m not sure I want to hear whatever it is she has to say but she looks nervous.

  My head tells me we were friends for a long time and I should hear her out so I let out a sigh and say, “Yeah, fine.” This has her eyes flashing up to meet mine and I’m shocked by the tears I see there, threatening to spill over. I wait for her to speak, not knowing what to say myself.

  “I’m sorry about Blake, Tam. I didn’t mean to hurt you, honestly,” she says, as she begins to sniffle. “I liked him before you guys started going out and I was jealous when you two got together. I know it’s no excuse for what I did but I truly regret it,” she tells me.

  “What made you suddenly go behind my back and start seeing him?” I ask her the question that has been plaguing me for a while. I never understood how one of my best friends could do that to me.

  “After your dad died, we tried to be there for you Tam but you shut us out,” she says, and it has me on the defensive.

  “No, I didn’t,” I argue, trying to keep my voice down so we don’t draw attention to our conversation.

  She stares at me, sighing and continues, “You did Tam. You may not have noticed but you did. We tried for months. You stopped hanging out with us after school and on weekends. At school, you were there but it’s like your mind was somewhere else. I know you were grieving for your dad and I should have been a better friend. I didn’t know how to help you though,” she says, and I listen trying to see through her eyes. She’s right, I was spaced out. Nothing mattered after my dad died and I was barely holding on. I thought they’d deserted me but I had played my part and contributed to the mess our friendship turned into.