Paul struggled to understand the implications of what Claire was proposing. “But what about your profession? You can’t just walk away from things. People with positions like yours don’t just ask for a leave of absence. They’ll ask you to resign.”
“Then I’ll resign,” said Claire. “After all, my real profession is nursing. I’ve just run away from it temporarily. It may be hard for you to understand, but this is something I have to do. Money and career are not of decisive importance here. I’m resourceful. I’ll survive. There are many things Michael and I could do together, and if his is to be a short life, I’d like to help fill it with memorable boyhood experiences. I think I can do that for him. Maybe you and I can do some of those things together. He wants to be a part of your life, Paul. Let me make that possible for both of you. If I need to find a new job or even a new career at some point in the future, I’ll cross that bridge when it comes. Making preparations for the summer conference is the only job I would leave half done, but the groundwork is in place and I could probably help out on a part-time basis when crunch time comes.”
Claire’s reference to the conference jolted Paul, and for a moment his thoughts returned to the morass that was beginning to engulf his life at the University. But then the enormity of Claire’s gesture fully settled into his consciousness. He studied Claire’s beautiful face and, despite the dim light, the sincerity of her concern for Michael was clearly visible. As he looked upon her sitting next to him, awaiting his permission for her to make this personal sacrifice, he sensed again that he was unworthy of her. He was certain that when she once perceived the fury of the maelstrom about to consume him, she would reject him. But he also understood her ideals sufficiently to feel that she would be justified in rejecting him. He saw this outcome as inevitable and the prospect was deeply painful. He would lose her as he had lost Cathy.
For a moment he again considered the possibility of accepting Michaelson’s offer of flight from the Fairclough machinations to seek a new life somewhere with Claire. But even if it were possible to shield Claire from the storm, it would be impossible for him to hide himself from her. He could never alter the fact that he was unworthy of her love. He was simply incapable of adopting the kind of lifestyle Claire would expect of him.
Paul now broke the silence. “You need no permission from me to love the boy, Claire, but still, I can’t let you do this thing. The day would come when you would regret the sacrifice.”
She looked directly at him and spoke firmly, “You don’t understand, Paul. This is not for you; It is for Michael and for me. Please don’t deny me this. It’s a personal debt that goes clear back to the UCLA Medical Center. Do you understand what I am saying?”
“I understand,” said Paul, with profound reverence for this unusual woman. And at this critical moment he made a commitment to himself, one he would never violate. No matter how angry she became with him in the days ahead, he would never retaliate. He would revere her so long as he was capable of remembering.
“Go ahead and do all that you are willing and able to do for the little fellow, but before you make a final decision in the matter there is something I must tell you – something which may entirely change your feelings. And if it becomes necessary for you to completely remove me from your life, I want you to know that I love you. I wish I were good enough for you – to legitimately contend for your love in return. But, Claire, I can’t. It would be a charade for me to pretend that I could live as you do. I am simply a flawed man and I cannot pretend to be otherwise.”
“Paul, I don’t expect …”
“Wait,” he said, “let me finish. Some of the things I am going to tell you are known only to one other person. You will be privy to information that could destroy me if you were to use it against me. I will ask no pledge of confidentiality from you. I acknowledge these things because my feelings for you obligate me to do so – and also to help you to understand why I must disengage myself from your life – to protect you from any obligation to me and to make it less painful for me should you find it necessary to turn against me.”
Amidst Claire’s bewildered feelings Paul now launched into an unvarnished recounting of his counseling session with the Fairclough girl. He laid things out with meticulous detail, pausing at one point to emphasize something he felt to be extremely important. “I do not tell you these things apologetically, Claire, even though I know they are repugnant to you. I did what I did because I believed it was right. I would handle the situation in the very same way tomorrow if the circumstances were to repeat themselves. I believe the legal restrictions against abortion are wrong. They make unjust requirements of women, and someday the law will be rescinded. Civil disobedience always precedes the repeal of unjust laws.”
Paul continued. He spoke of President Michaelson and his determination to use the fire being fueled by the Faircloughs to purge the Psychology Department of a liberal point of view that was embarrassing to the University. He told her of the President’s decision to cancel the summer conference and of his request that Paul leave the University voluntarily. He explained the procedures involving the Board of Inquiry and the ugly adverse publicity that would taint his name and foreclose the future against him so far as his professional life was concerned, unless, of course, he could beat his opponents at their own game. He spoke of Jerry Warren and of student demonstrations and a general strike that would shut down the campus. “For me it is a matter of fighting fire with fire, forcing the Administration and the Trustees to rethink their positions. For me the cause is just.”
Some weeks ago Claire’s reaction would have been explosive in response to Paul’s disclosure. But having come to know the full spectrum of his nature, she felt deep sadness. He was right. Their two lives were truly incompatible. If she were to allow it she could fall in love with Paul, but she would not let it happen! Her sadness did not so much involve letting go of Paul so far as a life together might be concerned. Rather, it came in anticipation of the injury that would surely scar his life. He would lose this battle because he was wrong, and then all of the pain he had endured in consequence of his mistakes in Michigan would return with even greater intensity. Quite likely he would be destroyed in the process. Yes, at some fundamental level she loved Paul, but those feelings would have to be annulled. She could not be a part of the things he was about to do.
Without harshness she spoke quietly. “Why must you do this, Paul? Can you not consider the possibility that you may be wrong? This very day you have told me of the burden you have carried for a decade. That burden came because you followed base feelings within you and acted in a way that left you indebted to justice. I believe that what you are about to do is equally wrong. Why close the door on a more fulfilling life? Why not simply tell the truth and walk away from these storm clouds before the lightning strikes?”
“I can’t do it. I just can’t do it, Claire! I believe I’m in the right; I really do. What about the doctor who performed the abortion? He believed he was providing a benevolent service. Am I supposed to expose him to the authorities and rob him of his career? If that is justice I can’t be a part it. Then there is my sense of duty to myself – to defend myself. I’ve had to do that all my life, and that is the only thing that has kept me from feeling that I am worthless. I refused to accept those feelings when my mother turned her back on me and I will not allow the Faicloughs and Michaelsons in my life to judge me now.
“I’m not eager to live a lie, but it’s the only way to protect myself from injustice. It’s also the only way I can protect the well-meaning physician who did what he thought to be right. I don’t expect you to approve of me, Claire, or the way I think about life. But so far as this matter is concerned I will make the ultimate judgment as to what is right or wrong for me. That’s the only standard I’ve ever lived by.”
Paul did not add, however, that he envied her ability to see with different eyes. He envied the depth and consistency of her outlook, as well as the simplicity of her faith and the
clarity of her feelings about right and wrong. He acknowledged that if he were capable of being that way, he would probably feel differently about many things. Nonetheless, he knew that such a transformation would be impossible for him.
Claire posed one final and crucial question. “Do you honestly think that you can win this battle?”
Paul answered with hostility that was frightening to Claire. “It’s not a matter of winning, it’s a matter of retaliating! It’s a matter of exposing the hypocrisy of the system! Before I get through, these people will wish they’d never heard the name, Paul Kirkham.”
Paul’s words left Claire dismayed and she sadly realized that she was watching a tragedy unfold. Her emotions broke and she began to weep. Paul leaned towards her and took her in his arms. Her response was warm and spontaneous albeit brief, and after a few moments she pulled away and wiped the tears from her face with her hand. She now forced herself to focus on what had to be said. “I want you to know that I am firm in my request that you let me care for Michael. I simply must do this. If it costs me my job with the University, I’ll move on. I have no roots in San Diego, and although I’ve enjoyed my work at the Conference Division it’s probably not the thing I want to do with my life. Perhaps it’s a good time for me to evaluate my future anyway.
“Please Paul, don’t involve me in the challenges you’re facing on campus. I agree that it will be better for both of us if we stop seeing each other, except for that which is necessary for Michael’s sake.” Pausing, she added firmly, “Do whatever you feel you have to do, but don’t hurt Michael. The boy trusts you. It’s obvious that he loves you, even though you’ve done nothing to cultivate that love. He deserves something more than hurt from you right now. Don’t get so involved with the drama of your life that you forget him. You’ve forgotten him for ten years. Be a father to him for these important days – there may not be many of them left.”
There was an uncomfortable barrier between Paul and Claire as they parted that evening. Paul felt empty emotionally, but he did not resent this formalization of their relationship. He had brought it about because it was necessary, and things were now as he had anticipated they would be.
At home, Paul went to the kitchen for a late-night snack but immediately noticed the flashing message button on his kitchen phone. The message was from Leo and sounded urgent. “Please Paul, give me a call when you receive this message, no matter the lateness of the hour. I must talk with you.”
He picked up the phone and dialed Leo’s number. “Leo, I’m sorry to call so late but …”
“Are you at home, Paul?”
“I am. I’ve been on the road all day.”
“Listen, I know it’s late but it’s urgent that we talk tonight. Would you be willing to give me a few minutes if I were to come by right now?”
“Come ahead. I would welcome an opportunity to discuss recent developments with you.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
True to his word, Leo was soon ringing the doorbell. It was with justifiable apprehension that Paul answered the door. There were no formalities, just a strained greeting and Leo’s immediate attention to the business at hand. “Have you been in hiding?” he said with a serious tone in his voice. “I stopped by your office a couple of times Friday afternoon and left a message with Maureen, then called a couple of times before leaving the University. Today I started calling you here at home but couldn’t reach you.“
“You wanted to know about my visit with Michaelson.”
“Well yes, that too, but first there are some critical questions I need to ask you.”
Paul motioned for Leo to sit down, then offered an apology. “I’m sorry, Leo, these have not been good days. I really wasn’t ready to talk to you or anybody on Friday.”
“I hope you’re ready to talk, now!” said Leo with obvious impatience.
“I’m not sure where to start. There’s so much I need to explain to you.”
“For starters, let’s deal with this,” said Leo, reaching in his breast coat pocket and retrieving a letter. “I received this by inter-office mail during the day on Friday,” unfolding a letter and handing it to Paul. The letter was written on official University stationery and was from President Michaelson. Its tone was terse and indicated that at the request of the Board of Trustees, an official investigation was being made into the conduct of a Psychology Department staff member. Paul was named, and the charges were indicated: unethical conduct in the classroom as well as in private associations with students. There was a brief explanation stating that a Board of Inquiry had been mandated by the trustees which was to consist of teaching peers from several University departments. It was noted that Rex Hale would act as the chairman of this board. The final paragraph read:
In light of current misgivings about the fitness of Dr. Kirkham to represent the University in any formal capacity, it is thought to be unwise to move forward with plans for this summer’s personal development conference. Moreover, the central role of Dr. Kirkham in these planned activities make it impractical to appoint a substitute to assume a leadership role. The embarrassment to the University and the financial loss to be sustained through this cancellation are truly regrettable. Nevertheless, this course of action seems to be a better alternative than to face the outcry from the public and the press that would surely follow if the University were to proceed with the conference as planned.
Paul handed the letter back to Leo, feeling uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his gaze. He knew this was but the beginning of a train of uncomfortable, humiliating experiences. Anger shot through him and again he resolved that he would not submit to what was happening without a fight! If Michaelson and his bureaucrat cronies wanted their pound of flesh, they would pay dearly for it.
“The Trustees want to repeal academic freedom, Leo, and Michaelson is their errand boy.”
“I wish you had told me about all of this, Paul. It’s impossible to defend you without knowing …”
“Just relax, Leo. You won’t have to dirty your hands with this. I’m prepared to fight my own battle.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth. I didn’t come here to make accusations or to side with the Administration. I just have a lot of questions that need answering. Don’t you think you owe me that much?”
There was an element of blindness in the passion that now gripped Paul as he contemplated these forces that were bent on crushing him. There was no disposition to assess the possible outcome of what he felt compelled to do. Whether the outcome would be self-preservation or self-destruction, it made little difference to him in his calculations.
Addressing Leo’s need to understand the innuendos in Michaelson’s letter he spoke defiantly. “There is no hidden explanation involving all of this, Leo. You know what I teach. You know the things I stand for. These are ‘straw man’ allegations against me. It’s an old refrain – you’ve heard it played many times and this is simply a new variation: An embarrassed public figure, Julian Fairclough, is looking for a scapegoat. He’s slinging mud and has enough influence to make it stick to me. He’s a ‘fat dandy’ trying to make political hay out of his daughter’s death.”
Paul’s allegations were vitriolic. However, his recounting of the facts in these matters lacked completeness. Paul’s was a self-serving explanation that carefully omitted the critical details of his fateful counseling session with Jill Fairclough. With the exception of Claire, only one other person knew of this encounter, and Paul was confident that Tony Ballard would not openly speak of it.
“And that’s all there is? There’s nothing more to it than that?” queried Leo with surprise.
“The Fairclough girl was a student in my General Psychology class. There’s no further connection – no dirt swept under the carpet. And now I ask you, Leo, am I to be held accountable for what her fragile psyche did with the things I taught? I’m deeply sorry that the girl chose to end her life, but why should I be held accountable? I know of a religious fanatic who kil
led four people in a hateful act of intolerance and it was later determined that he got the incentive to do what he did from sitting through a fiery sermon in a Sunday worship service – but no one thought to indict the minister. Well, this whole melodrama is just that ridiculous, and I am going to fight it with every means at my disposal.
“It’s been a great friendship, Leo, but if I’ve become a liability to you, then it’s probably time for you to bail out. I won’t hold it against you. But I want you to know one thing – there is a just cause here. There is a misrepresentation of fact and the unjustified maligning of a man’s name. But more than that, this whole business has to do with the right to think and speak freely in a university atmosphere. If money and politics can control that, it strikes at the very heart of higher education. Make no mistake, there’s going to be a scrap here, and before I’m through there’ll be a lot of people who will wish they’d never started this inquisition.”
Leo had spent almost twenty years believing in Paul and promoting his efforts as a crusader, though he was not personally sympathetic with many of the causes Paul championed. He had always felt that Paul’s ideas should be heard, and that a man who was so very passionate about life deserved a forum. He had seen enormous untapped potential within Paul and believed he could, at some point, be recognized as one of the fine minds of the country if he were given a bully pulpit or an arena that allowed him to freely and powerfully express his ideas. Leo was loath to forsake his protégé at this critical juncture, yet he sensed that it would be risky to stand at his side. But as the tumblers fell into place during a brief moment of self-evaluation, it was the many years of mentoring and personal affection that tipped the balance.
And so it was that Leo, despite uncertainty as to the soundness of his own judgment, forced personal caution into retreat and spoke words that Paul welcomed. “I’m with you, Paul. I’ll help you all I can to get through this thing successfully.”
Braided Gold Page 26
