My Twisted World

by Elliot Rodger

  how pathetic my life was.

  While roaming around the after party, I bore witness to many successful young men who pranced in with their hot model girlfriends. Some of them were even actors my own age, stars of the movie. I had a particular burning hatred for the actor Alexander Ludwig, who I saw sitting arrogantly on a couch as people crowded around him in adoration. I hated everything about him; his golden blonde hair; his tall, muscular frame; his cocky, masculine face. That boy could get any girl he wanted. His life was completely opposite from my own. If only I could get a taste of how he lived for just one day ... As I saw all of these successful young men with their beautiful dates, I became even more convinced about how important money and status was in attaining a desirable life of love and sex. It made me even more obsessed with my goal of becoming wealthy at a very young age. That was the only way to live life.

  The whole premiere, from the red carpet to the film to the after party, was an extraordinary experience, and I will never forget it. I still felt very bitter that I wasn't able to bring a girl with me as a date. The majority of men at the event had a date with them, and I felt so pathetic for not having a date.

  If only a girl at my collage had been attracted to me; I would have gladly brought her to the premiere as

  my date.

  When I returned to Santa Barbara, I realized that I had absolutely no obligations. Since I had dropped all of my college classes, I had all the time in the world. I wanted to make use of that time as much as I could. Franticly, I tried to come up with ways to find some sort of idea to make millions of dollars. Some would say this was folly, but it has been done before! Many people have succeeded in coming up with an idea and making millions, or even billions, instantly. I was an extraordinary, magnificent person destined for great things. If other people could do it, why not me? It was my destiny, my whole purpose on this world.

  For the next week or so, I spent time meditating in my room, trying to come up with ways to get rich.

  I could either invent something, start a great business idea, or go back to my original idea I had of writing an epic fantasy story that could be made into a movie. That reminded me of the reason why I gave up on that idea in the first place… the amount of time it would take to achieve success from such a prospect. I was so desperate and I needed to do something right there and then. It was a matter of life and death. If I couldn’t make it, then I had nothing to live for.

  After a lot of deep thinking, I couldn’t come up with anything. Was I doomed to fail at everything? I began to feel hopeless, until I saw the current jackpot for the Megemillions Lottery. It was rising very high in the month of March. I had saved up a lot of money at the time, so I had enough to spare on lottery tickets, so long as I didn’t go under $5000 dollars, which I wanted to keep as my minimum amount of savings just in case of an emergency, or in case I would have to carry out the Day of Retribution. As it so happened, I had well over $6000 saved up at the time, from all of the allowance, Christmas money, and birthday money that my parents and grandmothers had been sending me. For the first time since moving to Santa Barbara, I began to take a serious interest in playing the Lottery again.

  I believed that it was destiny for me to win the Megamillions Lottery, particularly this very jackpot.

  People win the lottery every single month, so why not me? I was meant to live a life of significance and extravagance. I was meant to win this jackpot. It was destiny. For the first few drawings I played, I spent $50 to $100 on tickets, but to my profound frustration I still didn’t win, and the jackpot kept rising. This only increased my enthusiasm. I started to picture a whole new, perfect life for myself after I won. I imagined buying a beautiful, opulent mansion with an extravagant view, and acquiring a collection of supercars which I would use specifically to attract beautiful girls into my life. I planned to go back to college once I had bolstered myself with all this wealth, and lord myself over all the other students there, finally fulfilling my dream of being the coolest and most popular kid at school. As I sat meditating in my room, I imagined the ecstasy I would feel as scores of beautiful girls look at me with admiration as I drive up to college in a Lamborghini. Such an experience would make up for everything. I had to win this jackpot.

  As the jackpot reached over $200 Million, I spent more of my saved money on lottery tickets, but I still didn’t win. I knew that the more I spent on tickets, the higher chance I had of winning. I was so desperate to live a satisfying life that I spent $400 dollars on tickets when the jackpot hit $290 Million.

  When I failed to win that, I spent $500 dollars on tickets when it reached $363 million, and I still didn’t win it on that one… And then the jackpot reached a number that I never imagined it would… $656

  Million. I was astounded and filled with a feverish enthusiasm of hope and desire. This was the highest lottery jackpot in history. I knew I was always destined for great things. This must be it! I was destined to be the winner of the highest lottery jackpot in existence. I knew right then and there that this jackpot was meant for me. Who else deserved such a victory? I had been through so much rejection, suffering, and injustice in my life, and this was to be my salvation. With my whole body filled with feverish hope, I spent $700 dollars on lottery tickets for this drawing. As I spent this money, I imagined all the amazing sex I would have with a beautiful model girlfriend I would have once I become a man of wealth.

  After the ultimate and fateful drawing, I waited three days to check the result. I was too anxious about what I will see. The result would determine the fate of my whole life. For those three days, I meditated alone in my room, trying to convince myself that I was the winner. I held all of the tickets in my hand, excitedly pondering over which one was the true winning ticket. There were many times during this period where I was about to check the result, but cancelled the webpage in the last second out of fear of what I might see. The prospect of finding out that I lost was devastating. On the fourth day, I decided to just go through with it. The result was already decided, and the amount of time it took for me to check it wouldn’t change anything. I had to see the truth. My heart was beating rapidly as I loaded up the webpage to the Megamillions website. What I saw crushed all of my hope completely. My whole body shivered with horrific agony. I didn’t win. Three people won that jackpot, and it was split between them. But none of those three people were me. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was certain I would be the winner. It was destiny… fate. But no, the world continued to give me no justice or salvation whatsoever.

  I sank into one of the worst depressions of my life. It was Spring Break, and while all other young boys my age were going off to vacation with their attractive friends, I was feeling miserable and alone in my room because I failed to win the lottery jackpot that would enable me to rise above them ALL! I was so depressed that even when my mother came up to Santa Barbara with my sister and her friends for a short day trip, I refused to see them.

  For the next month, I barely left my room. I was completely and utterly at the end of all hope. My life is over, I thought. Without that wealth, what was there to live for in the future? I still couldn’t believe I didn’t win. I kept thinking about the heavenly life I would be living if I had won. I was certain of my victory, right at the moment of the drawing. Instead, it turned to a crushing defeat, just like everything else in my life. Everything I had tried to do in the past, ever since childhood, had been a failure. It was very hard to feel good about myself anymore. I spent all of my time drifting aimlessly, doing nothing with my time except brooding over my fate. I didn’t want to think about anything. I could barely breathe from the stifling loneliness. All of my energy had been sapped out of me.

  In the month of April, James Ellis officially ended the friendship between us. James hadn’t contacted me at all since the Lemelson’s Christmas party, and I felt extremely offended by this. For the first few months of 2012, I had been trying to contact him, demanding to know why he continued to act so cold and distan
t to me. I thought that after we spoke with each other at the Lemelson’s, things would get better between us. I was dead wrong.

  I got hold of him on the phone in February, and he said a few words to me before quickly making an excuse to hang up. A month later I messaged him on Facebook to tell him how rude he was on the phone, and in April I received a response from him. He blatantly said he didn’t want to be friends anymore. He didn’t even deign to tell me why. After he said the fateful words, he refused to talk to me ever again. That was the last time I ever spoke to him.

  It was the ultimate betrayal. I thought he was the one friend I had in the whole world who truly understood me, who truly understood my views and the reasons why I thought the way I did about the world. I confided everything to him, because I thought we were on the same page. To be betrayed in such a manner wounded me deeply, though I never admitted it to anyone.

  On the day of the betrayal, I thought back on our entire friendship. James Ellis was my oldest friend. I remembered the first time I met him, as we kicked dust together as First Graders at Topanga Elementary school. I remembered all of the good times I spent at his various houses in the Palisades, trading Pokemon cards when we were little, our brief interest in skateboarding, playing World of Warcraft together as teenagers, all of our walks through the Palisades town center… He was a big part of my life.

  And now he was gone, faded away into memory.

  I didn’t have any friends left anymore. No friends in the entire world. I didn’t want to see Philip and Addison after I cried in front of them at the Getty museum. I was completely and utterly alone, in the darkest pit of despair. And in that pit I withered in agony.

  My deep depression lasted well into the summer. My life stayed stagnant and miserable, and my hatred towards everyone, especially women, for depriving me of a happy life only grew stronger. I questioned myself over and over about what was going to happen to me now. I didn’t want it to resort to having to exact ultimate vengeance. I didn’t want to die. I wanted something to live for.

  There had to be a way for me to become wealthy. I continued to see it was the only way I would ever have a beautiful girlfriend and lose my virginity. My ultimate dream was to experience the pleasures of love and sex with girls once I become rich enough to be worthy of them, and then I would settle down with a beautiful girlfriend and have beautiful children with her, whom I would raise up to live a much better life than the one I’ve had to suffer through. That would be the most satisfying vengeance against all those young people who thought they were better than me. If I could show them that I lived such a life, my purpose on this world would be complete. To see the look on all of their faces once I’ve risen above them… I couldn’t imagine anything sweeter.

  I so happened to come across a book called the Power of Your Subconscious Mind, by Joseph Murphy. This book would fill me with hope for the next few months. It was very similar to The Secret, the book I read over a year ago, and it had the same effect on me. It gave an even more in-depth view on the law of attraction. A year previously, I had given up on believing in such a concept, but when I read through this book thoroughly, I desperately convinced myself to give it a try. I wanted to believe the theory could work. I needed something to live for.

  I began to visualize myself winning the lottery. I did this all throughout the month of June. After continuous analyzing and contemplation, I concluded that winning the lottery was the only way I could become wealthy at a young age, and thus it was the only way to enjoy the rest of my youth. If I didn’t have a satisfying youth, I would be bitter and miserable for the rest of my life, but of course that would never happen. If it came to that, then I would have to carry out the Day of Retribution.

  Indeed, it was the only way I could attain any sort of wealth at my age. I had no talents, so it was impossible for me to become a professional actor, musician, or athlete; and those were usually the ways that young people acquired such money. I could invent something, or start a business just like Mark Zuckerberg did with Facebook, but the chances of me achieving such a thing were the same chances I had of winning the lottery anyway. I didn’t even have the skills of a computer programmer.

  After reading this book, I wanted to believe that there was some sort of supernatural power that I could harness to change reality as I saw fit. For the months of June and July, I took frequent walks around Girsh Park in Goleta, dreaming and visualizing about winning the lottery. I affirmed that once the jackpot rose to over $100 million, I would buy a ticket and that ticket would be the winner. For all of the months of summer, people kept winning the lottery, and the jackpot kept resetting, but I was so desperate that I still clung to my faith that I would soon win.

  On one of the days in July, when I was roaming around Girsh Park, a group of popular college kids arrived to play kickball in the fields. They all looked like typical fraternity jocks, tall and muscular. The kind of guys I’ve hated and envied all my life. With them came a flock of beautiful blonde girls, and they looked like they were having so much fun playing together. One of the girls did a handstand in the grass, and her sexy bare stomach showed as her shirt hung down. All of the girls were scantily clad. Rage boiled inside me as I watched those people who thought they were better than me enjoying their pleasurable little lives together. The rage was so intense that I couldn’t take it. I was insulted too much. I couldn’t leave them without getting some form of revenge, so I drove to the nearby K-mart, bought a super-soaker, filled it up with orange juice that I bought at the same store, and drove back to the park.

  They were still there, having the time of their lives, and I wanted to ruin it for them. I wanted to ruin their fun just like they ruined mine, as they would never accept me among them. I screamed at them with rage as I sprayed them with my super soaker. When the boys started to yell and chase after me, I quickly got into my car and drove away. I was giddy with ecstatic, hate-fueled excitement. I wished I could spray boiling oil at the foul beasts. They deserved to die horrible, painful deaths just for the crime of enjoying a better life than me.

  I drove to a secluded are of the parking lot at the Camino Real Marketplace nearby, my heart beating rapidly. After I had calmed down, I was overcome with the worry and fear that I would get in trouble for it. I wondered with panic if there were any cameras at the park that could have caught me in the act.

  The worry lasted for a few days, but eventually I became relieved that no trouble came out of it.

  My mother and sister came up to Santa Barbara for my 21st Birthday. I didn’t want them to come up, but they came anyway. I suppose my mother felt sorry for me, that I would be alone on my 21st Birthday. And it’s true, I would have been alone. Isn’t that such a sad thing to contemplate? Being alone on my 21st Birthday. Most other men have huge drinking parties with their friends and girlfriends to mark their passing over the legal age limit to drink alcohol. I’ve read stories online of how exciting other men’s 21st birthdays are. I had absolutely no one to celebrate mine with. Having no friends, the only people who even wished me a happy birthday were my immediate family members.

  When my mother and sister arrived in Santa Barbara, they wanted to meet up at a restaurant in State Street, but that prospect horrified me. State Street was filled with young couples walking around arm in arm as they went out on their blissful dates. I was already tortured at the fact that I was now a 21-year-old virgin. I didn’t want to torture myself anymore. I looked online for a quieter restaurant that we could meet at, a place where young couples most likely wouldn’t know about. I came across a secluded Japanese restaurant in Montecito named Sakana. I suggested this to mother, and since it was my birthday, she gave me the choice of where to eat.

  I met the two of them outside the restaurant as they were waiting to be seated. I was in a sullen and depressed mood. Turning 21 as a kissless virgin was indeed a dark day. How pathetic it was, to be 21 and still a virgin while kids were having sex at the age of 14? The unfairness of life on this world is staggeringly ho
rrific!

  The restaurant Sakana turned out to be a very good choice. They served the most delicious Japanese food I had ever tasted in my life. They had so many creative dishes to try, and I ordered so many meals that the bill reached over $200. I eagerly devoured all of it, compensating for my sorrows with delectable food. My mother loved the restaurant as well. She had been to all of the best Japanese restaurants in L.A. with her various wealthy boyfriends, and she proclaimed that Sakana topped all of them. From this point onwards, it would become a tradition for us to eat here whenever my mother came up to visit me.

  After dinner, we went to the Starbucks in Montecito, and I washed the exquisite meal down with a nice warm latte. I never explored much of Montecito before, and I found it to be a lovely, beautiful place. It reminded me of Calabasas, though much quieter and more conservative. I figured I would be spending a lot more time there in the future.

  21 Years Old

  In August, I continued to build up my faith that I am destined to win the Megamillions jackpot. It is the future that was meant for me; the perfect, happy conclusion to the tragic life I’ve had to experience in the past. I couldn’t wait to rub my status as a wealthy man right in the faces of all the people who looked down on me, and all of the girls who thought of me as unworthy. I mused that once I become wealthy, I would finally be worthy enough to all of the beautiful girls.

  I spent the whole month meditating in my room or roaming around the park, visualizing the final outcome of my victory. Through the power of the law of attraction, which I had studied so intensely with the new book I found, I felt certain that I would become the winner. I looked forward to it with profound eagerness.