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* * *
from:
Bro-vado
to:
smithsimonyi@gmail.com
date:
Sat, Aug 29 at 10:14 PM
subject:
Your account has been reactivated
* * *
If your account was reactivated in error, please contact customer service at the number below. It will now be 7 days before you can deactivate again.
http://dyingtoblog.com/irismassey
January 3 | 2:30 AM
How to find out you’re about to die
* * *
How to find out you’re about to die
* * *
How to face death
* * *
⊠ Try to imagine eternity
⊠ Read books on dying
* * *
* * *
I estimate
But probably more like
* * *
what is happening
on top of
what happened
on top of
what happened
on top of
what else is happening
There wasn’t an arc
* * *
Or a bunch
It was more
dots
* * *
The dots look different close up
COMMENTS (12):
BonnieD: S
ArduousArdvark: since when is a triangle a dot
ArduousArdvark: or a square
ArduousArdvark: it’s called geometry
BonnieD: I know what she means.
BonnieD: don’t worry, Iris
ArduousArdvark: what
BonnieD: some experiences feel like circles and some feel pointy. and some have extra sides
ArduousArdvark: a circle doesn’t have sides
BonnieD: sigh
ArduousArdvark: what
BonnieD: you’re tedious
Monday, August 31
Monday, August 31
TherapistAwayNetwork™
Patient Name: Jade Renee Massey
AUTO PROMPT: What have you lost?
My mind.
It is 5:00 a.m. My flight leaves in three hours, and I just received an email from Marcus, which he must have sent on his way home (could he have bothered to give me more notice?). He says I can’t go to Virginia. I quote:
You just returned from a month leave, which turned into a two-month leave, which turned into a five-month leave. The only reason you still have a job is that you’re competent. I can’t keep finding ways to cover for your absence. You are a chef, and you work in a restaurant that is not an average restaurant. It is a restaurant where chefs all over the world dream of working. The fact that I even granted you a leave of absence would shock people. Now that you’re back, I need you around. Your call.
Maybe I shouldn’t be blindsided, but I am. Sure, it was a startling act of kindness that he allowed me time off in the first place. I did not expect that kind of generosity from Herr Marcus. And that’s why I have thanked him a zillion times. But to threaten me like this—yes, Barn is the Barn, but does he remember why Barn is the Barn? He needs me, and he knows it. If I leave, it will be his loss, not mine. Who is he going to run recipes by—Enar, the Nordic dishwasher? He’s extremely ripped, but come on.
Which is why I don’t think he’d do it. Fire me. He’s all talk.
But what if he does? Fuck.
What do I do.
My mom needs me. That much is clear. And there’s more. Last night, I logged into my sister’s email again. I just wanted to know why she didn’t go with the better chemo. I only searched for “cancer,” “chemo,” and “treatment.” (Okay, yes, I searched “Jade,” but then I logged out before I saw anything. And I did discover that her old boss is still emailing her, which makes me feel bad for being so rude to him as he’s clearly in love with her.) Though I found nothing on the chemo, I did learn she was on weed. She was ordering “Cannabis Tincture” from some distillery in Seattle. Lord knows how that might have impacted the efficacy of the chemo. So now I have more work cut out for me if I’m going to pursue this possible malpractice claim, which I think I owe it to her to look into.
It appears I know what I have to do. But I will not give Marcus the satisfaction of firing me. I may have lost my sister, but I haven’t lost my goddamn dignity.
* * *
Dear JADE,
Thank you for your submission to TAN™. We will make sure your provider receives this message.
Did you know “loss” is of Germanic origin, derived from los, meaning “destruction of an army?” As you move through your day, consider what army you are mourning the destruction of. What officers were in its ranks? What were they defending you against?
TAN™ is not to be used in case of emergency. If you are in crisis, call 9-1-1.
Sincerely,
Your friends at TAN
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
rosylady101@yahoo.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 8:43 AM
subject:
re: Vandalism of your posters
* * *
Dear Rosita,
I assure you with utmost sincerity that in none of the graffitied ads, despite the black markings concealing your teeth, do you appear toothless. Dashing, yes. Glowing, yes. Professional, yes. Toothless, no. If you do not see a spike in bookings this month, I will eat my words, but I would put money on it. Hang tight!
Best,
SS
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
mdublin@forwardchartersairline.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 9:10 AM
subject:
Great to meet you
* * *
Michael,
Fantastic to meet you the other night. I am, as promised, writing to introduce myself more formally. I am aware that Forward Charters has had a challenging last year, what with the missing bridal party, the charred wedding dress, and the rumors about the pilot’s drinking. I invite you to view this as an opportunity to create a revitalized face for the airline. Four years ago I assisted Tiny Planet Airlines in rebranding in the wake of its public image crisis after it crashed into that pile of medieval ruins outside of Budapest. Today, its ridership is at a peak since the early ’00s.
I’d love to chat further.
Best,
Smith S. Simonyi
President
Simonyi Brand Management
* * *
from:
mdublin@forwardchartersairline.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 9:12 AM
subject:
re: Great to meet you
* * *
Who put you up to this? Listen, my wife is not the president of the airline. I am. You can tell her that. Actually, you can tell her I said to go to hell, because I did sleep with that agent in Chicago, and it was hot as fuck!
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
mdublin@forwardchartersairline.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 9:15 AM
subject:
re: Great to meet you
* * *
I see you’ve got it covered. Thanks for getting back to me!
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
contact@lassimariset.com
date:
subject:
Congratulations!
* * *
Dear Lassi,
I first want to congratulate you on your incredible achievement this weekend at the Continental Cup! You are a regular Olaf Rye (the first ski jumper!), and at only thirteen!
I was so pleased to come upon the news of your win in the International Skiing Federation journal online.
Lassi, as the youngest winner in a decade and a competitor for the World Cup later this fall, you are going to be acting on the world stage from this moment on. Are you ready?
I am a celebrity brand manager with a background working with athletes competing at the international level, as well as other stars and thought leaders. If you are interested in ensuring that your remarkable success and talent open as many doors as possible, not only for promotion of your brand but for engagement across media platforms (the sky’s the limit!), please give me a call.
Sincerely,
Smith S. Simonyi
President
Simonyi Brand Management
* * *
from:
sheryl@beringerpress.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 9:55 AM
subject:
re: Congratulations! And a question
* * *
S—
Where is MS? Attached? Yes okay.
College roommate’s college girlfriend! Ha! Indeed! What memories we share. My, time. My, time, time, time.
You had no idea about Steve and me, right? You and everyone else we were in school with. It’s a huge surprise to many of our colleagues, as well, but we’ve actually been fucking for years. HR knew, of course.
Here’s the other thing that will knock your socks off: we’re hyphenating our names. Gritten-Barrett! Like grin and bear it! Ha! I know! With names like those, how could we not?
That’s my go-to.
I will have my intern Brutus review. That’s a girl. I thought it was a boy till she came in for the interview. Females are now named Brutus in the world and girls are boys and boys are girls. I cannot keep up, nor do I give a fuck.
And I’m glad to hear from you, actually, because I have an author for you. Memoirist with a DISGUSTING rags-to-riches story. I mean it’s DISGUSTING. Literally born in the trunk of a taxi, went to Yale, and wound up in the goddamn Musée d’Orsay. People fucking love art. Also her art isn’t even about her shitty homeless childhood. How transcendent is that? The most beautiful goddamn thing ever. Her name is Zahara Ferringbottom. Let me know and I’ll put you in touch.
xSheryl
* * *
from:
YOPLAY
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 9:59 AM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
IT CAME TO ME.
A PARODY OF THAT PARROT-Y
SHOW THEM I AM TRULY A MAN OF PLAY
WE REPLACE MY FACE WITH MISS PIGGY’S FACE
GET IT? SHE IS CHEATING ON KERMIE WITH ALL THOSE CLOTH BETAS
DO YOU THINK THAT’S FUNNY OR IS IT JUST CALLING MYSELF A LADY PIG?
PS—I WAS READING IN THE AIRPLANE MAGAZINE THE OTHER DAY ABOUT RETIREMENT, WHICH IS WHEN YOU HAVE TO STOP WORKING BECAUSE YOU GET SO DAMN OLD NO ONE WANTS TO PAY YOU TO HEAVE YOUR WRINKLED ASS OUT OF BED. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IF I HAVE NOT SAVED ENOUGH MONEY TO SUSTAIN MY LIFESTYLE, COME SUCH A DAY?
I GOT AN ACCOUNTANT SO I DON’T GO BROKE PRIOR TO THESE ALLEGED “GOLDEN YEARS.” I TOLD HIM HOW WE WORK IS THAT YOU JUST HOLD MONEY AND THEN TAKE IT OUT WHEN YOU EARN IT. HE SAID THAT IS UNUSUAL BUT I SAID THAT’S HOW WE’VE DONE IT SINCE THE BEGINNING SO. HOW MUCH IS IN MY ACCOUNT? TWO GRAND? EIGHTY? I HAVE NO CLUE. AS I HAVE, IN HIS WORDS, “NOT BEEN ATTUNED” TO MY SPENDING. PLEASE SEND HIM RECORDS SO HE CAN FIX WHAT MY INNER CHILD HAS DAMAGED
THANKS MUCH AS ALWAYS YOURS,
YO-PLAY/Phil
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
YOPLAY
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:03 AM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
Phil:
I can have my intern get on the video right away.
What exactly does your accountant need from the account, what sort of records? He must mean invoices. I can send those over now.
* * *
from:
YOPLAY
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:05 AM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
HE IS RIGHT HERE. HE SAYS NOT JUST INVOICES, ALL RECORDS, SUCH AS BANK STATEMENTS
HE SAYS I AM AN EMOTIONAL SPENDER.
BUT I DON’T KNOW WHY THAT IS A BAD THING WHEN IT SOUNDS SO GOOD
WHEN CAN THE VIDEO BE READY?
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
YOPLAY
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:06 AM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
I’m swamped today, but I’ll get the documents over to you as soon as I can, and I will make the video a priority.
* * *
from:
carl@simonyi.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:06 AM
subject:
Paging Benjamin Franklin!
* * *
Call me crazy, but I think I just had a very good idea for the United States Postal Service. They need to do pickups where they actually come in and box up your stuff for you. Because while I do believe in patronizing the USPS, figuring out how to pack and transport this much stuff is not a strength of mine. On a scale of 1 to 10, I am a zero.
You know, it probably makes most sense if I just call a courier company that does this sort of thing and have them come do it.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
carl@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:08 AM
subject:
re: Paging Benjamin Franklin!
* * *
Carl,
I recall from your résumé that you’re adept at video editing, correct? Please see the request below from Phil and get started right away. Instructions for what he wants should be clear. We can talk more in a bit if you have questions, but right now I have to run an errand.
Set aside the packing and whatever else you’re working on in order to get started on this video project. Phil is a very important client.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
richierich1000@gmail.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:10 AM
subject:
re: Emergency
* * *
Just left you a message—it’s an emergency. I need to borrow some money. And I may need a lawyer. I’m on my way to your office to see if I can catch you in person.
* * *
from:
carl@simonyi.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:11 AM
subject:
re: Paging Benjamin Franklin!
* * *
No problem at all! I love comedy, videos, and creating comedic videos. I look forward to reading what he has in mind, but first, since it sounds like you’re in a hurry—does this mean I’m merely post
poning packing up all this crap to send to Jade Massey of Jersey City, or am I allowed to outsource it?