When You Read This
Page 7
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
iris.a.massey@gmail.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 7:50 AM
subject:
no subject
* * *
It’s ruining me, and yet I go to it. I go to it because . . . what was the email I received the other day? I believe that I “can, will, and probably should lose.”
I don’t know if that’s true. But when I read it, I think of something Clementine said to me once.
Clementine was hung up on one thing that happened early in our relationship, long before we were married. We met on a Monday, and ten days later, on a Thursday, my dad died. I was twenty-eight, and she and I had been on two dates when I got the call. I told her I was going home for a bit but left out the details—that I was going to bury my dad, and that my mom was in the hospital. As I later tried to explain to Clementine, I didn’t know how bad my mom’s injuries were when I left. No one did, not even the doctors.
I flew to Wisconsin and handled everything—buried him, got her set up in a long-term care unit . . . Then I came back to New York, and Clementine and I continued to date. But still I didn’t tell her what had happened. What was the point? So she could comfort me? We hadn’t even had sex yet. Of course, she found out eventually that he was dead, and that my mom was disabled. And at that point, fine, I did sort of lie—I claimed the “accident” had happened earlier in the year, and that my mom had fallen down the stairs. I implied that these were separate incidents.
But we’d been dating for four months. I was supposed to bare my soul?
The problem was, I suppose, that I never corrected either of these white lies. The night before we were getting married, she learned the real story from Richie, who inadvertently filled her in on the true version of events after she interrogated him. The way she looked at me—like I was a con.
Over the two years we managed to stay married, she would lob comments at me here and there, like, “I shouldn’t be surprised to feel invisible to you. Men always end up treating their wives like they treat their moms.”
“You mean how I support you both?” I only said once.
“You really think that’s what love is?” she said back. It wasn’t a question. It was an accusation. Like whatever respect for me she’d maintained was now gone. Like she understood me better than I did myself, and was disgusted by what she knew.
That is how I feel now. That low.
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 8:08 AM
subject:
Apology
* * *
Dear Smith,
I’m sorry for my attitude last week. I was unnecessarily rude to you. Thank you for mailing my sister’s things. I appreciate you reaching out about them, and for taking care to get them to me.
I hope your week is going well.
Sincerely,
Jade
PS—Speaking of things that need returning—am I remembering correctly that you’re a friend of Richie, whom my sister was seeing this spring? Might you have his contact info? I lost it.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 8:20 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
No worries. I apologize, too. I got a bit defensive when you implied that I didn’t care enough about your sister to stay through her funeral.
The boxes should arrive today. My intern sent them overnight delivery yesterday afternoon via FedEx.
Richie’s email is richierich1000@gmail.com. If he doesn’t respond right away, don’t be surprised. He’s really busy at the moment.
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 9:23 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
I’m in Virginia. But I’ll be back later this week and can let you know that they made it.
And he’s already written back, thanks!
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 9:26 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
What’s in Virginia? No pressure to respond.
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 9:29 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
My mother. She’s struggling.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 9:40 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
Ah.
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 9:58 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
She’s doing better than she was. Right after Iris died, she disappeared for ten hours, which may not sound like very long, but was long enough to freak me out. I found her in the freezer section of Costco in Queens, with no idea how she’d gotten there from the hospital. After the funeral, she headed back to Virginia. I came down a month or so later to check on her.
My mother, a proud Baptist all of her life, joined her local church choir when she moved to Virgina years ago and has been super active at the church since. Well, after Iris died, she quit going. To Sunday services or choir practice. It was a concern for all of us since singing is her favorite thing these days (she’s also been director of her local social club’s “Gray Lady” chorus of geriatric women for several years). In July, the choir director and I convinced her to go back. But apparently she showed up and started telling everyone that God doesn’t exist. He said it was like she wanted someone to correct or stop her, but no one did. This happened a few weeks in a row. Finally, one week, they were rehearsing some song, a mass—and I’m not sure what happened. She didn’t give me details. But when the song was over, she believed again.
The choir leader and I were relieved for different reasons. He was glad she wouldn’t be showing up lecturing everyone on God’s nonexistence any longer. I was glad because she had her community back.
So now she’s at church regularly again, and that’s good since the people there seem to take care of her. But between the Costco situation and the 360 on God, I’m nervous. The disappearing and not remembering it especially freaked me out.
Sorry. Don’t have many people to talk to down here. I’m rattling on.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 10:32 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
When my dad died, I would sit for hours staring into space, unaware that I was doing nothing, or that time was even passing. I fantasized about how it happened, and how I might have stopped it had I been there. But mostly I just stared.
Maybe the Costco situation doesn’t need to be concerning. It sounds pretty normal.
I’m sure she’s grateful to have you there. And it’s good you’re able to take time off work!
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
Tue, Sep 1 at 10:40 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
Well, I quit. Or was fired for wanting time off. Guess it depends on how you look at it.
Let me know if you know of anyone hiring!
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 10:42 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
That’s too bad. Okay, I’ll keep an ear out. On? Out.
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 10:44 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
You mean an eye out? Thanks.
Oh, and—I am a bit embarrassed to tell you this, but I shouldn’t be, because I had a good reason. I needed to log into my sister’s email earlier in order to check something about her medication, and I saw that you had emailed her. I didn’t read anything, don’t worry. I’m not a snoop. But I think you should know that I saw it, and I may have to get back in there as needed.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 10:47 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
Talk about embarrassed.
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 10:53 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
Don’t be.
So that you don’t think less of me—I am trying to figure out if her doctor has perhaps committed malpractice by not putting her on the more effective chemo drug, or by not telling her that it was the more effective drug. I did learn from her email history that she was taking weed this spring, unbeknownst to me, and, I imagine, unbeknownst to her doctors. I have no idea if it was for pain or what. At least now I know.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 11:14 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
She was on a cannabis-based regimen she found online. It wasn’t for pain though. She was convinced it could cure her cancer. It was why she acted so loopy sometimes. Our client—former client, rather, who you may know as Yo-Play—decided in the spring that he was going to leave rap in order to become a country music artist. Terrible decision. But Iris, high on her “tincture,” wrote out a fantastical “rap funeral” plan for him, which she didn’t run by me before emailing to him. The cosmic joke was that I had to go through with it in June.
At least those were some fun days. In a relative sense. You know what I mean. If she was going to be at work with cancer, at least she was laughing.
“Taking” weed, ha. Aren’t you in the restaurant business?
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 11:27 AM
subject:
re: Apology
* * *
Oh. Well, she never told me about it.
People in my industry, at least in the back of the house, aren’t big drug users. Front of house is another story. But in the kitchen we stick to cigarettes (not me). I have never even tried marijuana. I don’t plan to. I have no interest. And I’m certain, without even having looked into it, that it doesn’t cure fucking cancer. Good grief, I could have told Iris that much if she’d bothered asking. I used to be married to a doctor for pete’s sake.
I have to go. Thanks for sending the stuff.
Jade
* * *
from:
carl@simonyi.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 11:32 AM
subject:
An idea
* * *
Hi Boss,
I woke up in the middle of the night last night with two ideas to run by you.
First, while the name Simonyi Brand Management has its own . . . special quality, I am wondering if you’ve considered a more current moniker for the firm, something fresh like BRANDAID, or BRAND CENTRAL (since we’re in New York!). Lately when I tell people where I work, they (a) don’t understand what “Simonyi” is (“a Hungarian soup?”), and (b) don’t understand how to pronounce it. They spend all their time focused on your last name when what they should be asking is what the firm can do for them!
Two, Iris’s book—I’ve finally gotten a chance to read it. Defining audience is so important. Who are we selling it to? Who actually has an interest in this stuff? Thus, I can see it being repurposed as a children’s book (what with all the illustrations), à la GOODNIGHT MOON: GOODNIGHT, IRIS.
What do you think?
Carl
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
carl@simonyi.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 12:01 PM
subject:
re: An idea
* * *
I don’t think a pun is the way to go with firm name. And a children’s book feels off.
* * *
from:
smithsimonyi@gmail.com
to:
horn@horncriminaldefense.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 12:56 PM
subject:
Inquiry
* * *
Dear Mr. Horn,
I came across your ad online and am reaching out because I find myself in a position in which I may need an attorney. This is a somewhat humiliating and delicate situation, thus I prefer not to reach out to any of the attorneys I know socially—you understand, I hope.
I left you a voicemail a few minutes ago with the details.
Is this the kind of thing you could help me with?
Best,
Smith
* * *
from:
horn@horncriminaldefense.com
to:
smithsimonyi@gmail.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 1:10 PM
subject:
re: Inquiry
* * *
Don’t talk to anybody about anything. Don’t say what you said on this voicemail for fuck’s sake. Can you come in on Friday? First hour is $525. $10K cash retainer.
* * *
from:
smithsimonyi@gmail.com
to:
horn@horncriminaldefense.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 1:14 PM
subject:
re: Inquiry
* * *
Well, that makes sense except that I’ve already admitted to all of it.
* * *
from:
horn@horncriminaldefense.com
to:
smithsimonyi@gmail.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 1:15 PM
subject:
re: Inquiry
* * *
how? where? in person? phone?
* * *
from:
smithsimonyi@gmail.com
to:
horn@horncriminaldefense.com
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 1:17 PM