Id Tell You I Love You, But Then Id Have to Kill You

by Ally Carter

Page 32

 

  He rubbed his eyes. "Yeah, I called and told my mom I was staying at Dillons. They…they didnt know anything about…They were cool with it. "

  "Yeah," I said. "We dont exactly show up on caller ID. "

  It wasnt supposed to be funny, but "Old Josh" would have laughed or smiled that slow, melting smile. "New Josh" just stood there—looking at me.

  "Cammie. " My mothers voice carried clearly through the doorway and echoed through the Hall of History. "Come in here, please. "

  I stepped inside, brushing against him for a moment that didnt last nearly long enough.

  "Ill…" He motioned to the benches at the top of the stairs. "Your mom and that guy—they said I could wait. "

  But I didnt want him to wait. If he did, Id have to look him in the eye; Id have to say things that only make sense in a language even I dont know. I wanted him to walk away and not look back. But before I could say so, Mom said, "Cameron, now!" and I knew we were out of time. In so many ways.

  She didnt hug and kiss me—which was strange. Not unexpected, but it gave seeing her an unfinished feeling, like I should stay standing by the door, waiting for her "Hows it going, kiddo?" before I took a seat on the sofa and asked what was for supper. I glanced around and saw Mr. Solomon in the corner of the room. "Sleep well?" he asked.

  "Not really. " Not a lie.

  "I enjoyed visiting with Josh," my mom said. "He seems nice. " He is. "It was nice to meet him finally. "

  "Yeah, I …" Then I realized something was wrong. "Wait!"

  Mom smiled at Mr. Solomon and—can you believe it— he actually smiled back. With teeth and everything! (Okay, so I might have thought he was kind of hot then. But only for a second or two. )

  "Honey, youre good," Mom said to my look of utter disbelief. "But give us some credit. "

  Oh my gosh! I sank onto the leather sofa. "How …" There were so many ways to finish that sentence: how long had they known? How far were they willing to let me go? How did they find out?

  "Youve been very busy," Mom said. She sat down in one of the beautiful leather chairs across from me and crossed one perfect leg over the other.

  "You mean you didnt wonder how we found you last night?" Mr. Solomon asked.

  No, I hadnt wondered. Everything had happened so fast, and hours later I was still riding that same wave of emotion. I felt like an idiot—a great, big, hand-caught-in-the-cookie-jar fool.

  "Cammie, this is not an ordinary school—it cant be, with such exceptional students. What you did was reckless and careless, and if you tried a stunt like that in the field, lives would be put at risk and operations could fail. You know that. Dont you?"

  "Yes, maam. "

  "That being said, as someone with a good deal of experience"—she glanced at Mr. Solomon, who nodded—"it was a rather impressive display. "

  "It was?" I looked between the two of them, expecting a trapdoor to open up and send me zooming to the dungeon. "Im not… in trouble?"

  Mom tilted her head, weighing her words. "Lets just say, youve had one of the more extensive Covert Operations exercises this school has ever allowed. "

  "Oh," I said, and the word sounded heavy.

  "But, Cam," Mom said, leaning forward, "why didnt you come to me?"

  She sounded hurt. It was torture—the hard kind.

  "I dont know. " Dont cry. Dont cry. Dont cry. "I just…" It was too late; my voice was cracking. "I didnt want you to be ashamed of me. "

  "Her ashamed?" Mr. Solomon said, and it took me a split second to remember that he was even in the room. "You think she could have gotten away with as much as you did at your age?" He laughed, then smiled. "That wasnt your mom in you—that was your dad. "

  He stood and strolled to the window. I saw his reflection in the sunny glass as he spoke. "He always said you were going to be good. " Okay, so maybe he was still a little hot…"Cammie, I think Ive been pretty hard on you this semester," Joe Solomon said, as if letting me in on a secret. "You know why?"

  Because you hate me was the answer that sprang to mind, though I knew it wasnt the right one.

  "Ive already lost one member of the Morgan family I care about. " He looked between me and my mom. "So Id give about anything for you to never come into my classroom again. " Shocked and hurt, I could do nothing but stare at him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out my form where Id marked the Covert Operations box. "Are you sure you dont want to find a nice safe desk or lab somewhere?" I didnt answer, so after a moment he refolded the form and put it back in his pocket. "Well, if youre going to be in the field—youre going to be ready. I owe your old man that much. " Sadness seeped into his voice, and for the first time I saw Joe Solomon as human. "I owe him more than that. "

  I glanced toward my mother, who gave him a sad, knowing smile.

  "Have a good break, Cammie," Mr. Solomon said, sounding like his old self as he reached for the door. "Rest up. Next semester wont be the cakewalk you just had. "

  That was a cakewalk?! I wanted to scream, but Joe Solomon was already gone. I wanted answers from him. How well had he known my dad? Why did he come to the Gallagher Academy now? Why did I get the feeling there was more to the story?

  But then my mom spoke, and I realized we were alone. My defenses fell, and I felt like I could curl up beside her and sleep straight through Christmas.

  "Cammie," she said, moving to sit beside me. "Im not glad you lied to me. Im not glad you broke the rules, but there is one part of this that has made me very proud. "

  "The computer stuff?" I guessed. "Because, really, that was all Liz. I didnt—"

  "No, kiddo. Thats not it. " She reached down and took my hand. "Do you know that your dad and I werent sure we wanted you to go to school here?"

  Ive heard a lot of crazy things in my life, but that one took my breath away. "But… you were a Gallagher Girl…. Im a legacy…. Its …"

  "Sweetheart," Mom stopped me. "When we came here, I knew Id be taking away everything that isnt inside these walls. I didnt want this to be the only life you know. " She smoothed my hair. "Your dad and I used to talk about whether this was the best place for you. "

  "But what… how did you decide?" I asked, but as soon as I had said the words, I knew it was a stupid question.

  "Yeah, kiddo, when we lost your father I knew I had to get out of the field…"

  "And you needed a job?" I tried to finish for her.

  She shook me off. "I needed to come home. "

  When did I start crying? I really didnt know. I really didnt care.

  She smoothed my hair and said, "But the thing I worried most about was that youd spend your childhood learning to be hard and strong and never learn that its okay to be soft and sweet. " She straightened beside me, forced me to look into her eyes. "Doing what we do, it doesnt mean turning off the part of yourself that loves, Cam. I loved your father…I love your father. And you. If I thought you would have to give that up … to never know that… I would take you as far away from this place as we could go. "

  "I know," I said. Not a lie.

  "Good. Im glad youre smart enough to know that," she said, then pushed me away. "Now go on. Youve got tests to take. "

  I ran my hands across my face, searching for stray tears, then I stood and headed toward the door. But before I could leave, she stopped me.

  "It would have been okay, you know, kiddo? To mark that other box. "

  I looked back at her, and I saw not the headmistress or the spy or even the mother, but the woman Id seen crying.

  And just when I thought I couldnt love her more.

  "I wouldnt touch that if I were you. "

  Josh spun around at the sound of my words. Still, his fingers were perilously close to Gillys sword. "Were pretty good at keeping things protected around here," I said, inching closer.

  He put his hands in his pockets. That was probably the safest place for them, but the gesture reminded me of the first night wed met. I longed for that dark s
treet, for the chance to do things over.

  "So," he said. "A spy, huh?" His eyes never left the sword. I couldnt blame him. I didnt want to look at me, either.

  "Yeah. "

  "That explains a lot. "

  "So they told you?" I asked.

  He nodded. "Yeah, I got the grand tour. "

  Somehow, I found that really hard to believe, but I wasnt exactly in a position to say, Did you see the nuclear powered hovercraft we keep in the basement, so I just nodded, too.

  "Josh, you know you cant ever—"

  "Tell anyone?" He looked at me. "Yeah, they told me. "

  "I mean, ever, Josh. Ever. "

  "I know," he said. "I can keep a secret. "

  The words stung. They were supposed to.

  There we were, in a room dedicated to secret lives and secret triumphs. He could see it all from where he stood. My sisterhood was bare to him. I was exposed, but there was more between us than ever before.

  "Im sorry I lied. Im sorry Im not… normal. "

  "No, Cammie, I get the spy thing," he said, spinning on me. "But you didnt just lie about where you go to school. " His voice was harsh, but wounded. His eyes seemed almost bruised. "I dont even know who you are. "

  "Yes, you do," I said. "You know everything that matters. "

  "Your dad?" he asked.

  I froze. "Its classified—what happened—I couldnt tell you. I wanted to, but—"

  "Then just tell me he died. Tell me your mom cant cook and youre an only child. Dont…make up a family. Dont make up another life. " Josh looked over the railing along the Hall of History, into the towering foyer of the Gallagher Mansion, and said, "Whats so great about normal?"

  I might have been the genius, but Josh was the one to see the truth. For a while there, I had needed another life, a trial life—normal on a temporary basis. The problem was looking into the wounded eyes of someone I cared about and telling him that I would never be free to really love him, because … well… then Id have to kill him.

  Then, I realized where we were—what he was looking at. JOSH KNOWS! I mentally screamed. There doesnt have to be any more lying. Hes inside. Hes one of us (kind of). Hes…

  But Josh was heading down the stairs. I bolted forward, yelling, "Wait, Josh. Wait! Its okay now. Its…"

  When he reached the floor, he stopped and pulled his hand out of his pocket. "Do you want these?" I saw the earrings lying in his palm.

  "Yes," I said, nodding, biting back tears. I flew down the stairs, and he shuffled them into my hands so quickly I never even felt his touch. "I love them. I didnt want to—"

  "Sure. " He walked farther away from me. I probably know a dozen different ways to subdue a guy Joshs size—not that I would have used any of them. (Okay, so I thought about it…)