Accidentally...Cimil?

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  I bobbed my head.

  Roberto gazed straight ahead at the dark road. I could see from the way his jaw pulsed that some very serious plotting was happening. “Never fear, my dear goddess.” He stroked the back of my head. “I will figure something out. I will save us.”

  “Why are you always so sure of yourself?” I asked.

  “I managed to finally rid the planet of Philippe and the Obscuros while making a very deep dent in the Maaskab population. Why should I not be confident in my skills of undoing your treachery?”

  Good point. He had done a magnificent job of playing his cards. He’d known that I had encouraged the Maaskab and the Obscuros to join forces recently—a truly evil union. Once the Maaskab had “vampirized” most of their population, Roberto hunted down Philippe. The moment his brother died, his bloodline went with him, including most of the O’Scabbies (aka the Obscuro Maaskab).

  I bobbed my head. “It’s not you that I’m worried about. It’s the Universe.” Everything I’d done—bad-good, good-bad—had been pointless. She still wanted blood.

  “She is no match for me,” he declared boldly.

  “How sure are you exactly?”

  He bowed his head. “Very. Otherwise, I would not say such a thing. I do not believe in fluffery.”

  “I want to believe you. I do. But this feels so much bigger than the two of us. Like that elephant with three heads we once saw at the circus.” I sighed. That elephant was so magical. Reminded me of Minky, minus a head. “But your words can’t change destiny.”

  He looked toward the dark road, thinking for a moment. “Very well. Then I shall use no words until I have delivered my promise. I shall not speak again until this is over.”

  Wow. He really was committed. Because a man keeping his mouth shut was like a fish not swimming. Or a sea turtle not reciting illicit, kinky poems about sparkly things. (Don’t ask.)

  “You would really do that?” I asked.

  “I love you. And love is stronger than the Universe, than destiny, than anything,” he whispered.

  Gods, I hoped he was right. “I love you, too. Can we hit some garage sales in the morning? I need a little pick-me-up.”

  “But of course,” he said. “After I take Minky for her morning ride.”

  About the Author

  Before taking up a permanent residence in the San Francisco Bay Area, Mimi spent time living near New York City (became a shopaholic), in Mexico City (developed a taste for very spicy food), and in Arizona (now hates jumping chollas but pines for sherbet sunsets). Her love of pre-Hispanic culture, big cities, and romance inspires her to write when she’s not busy with kids, hubby, work, and life… or getting sucked into a juicy novel.

  She hopes that someday leather pants for men will make a big comeback and that her writing might make you laugh when you need it most.

  You can learn more at:

  Mimijean.net

  twitter.com/MimiJeanRomance

  facebook.com/MimiJeanPamfiloff

  mailto: [email protected]

  Turn the page for a preview of the final book in the Accidentally Yours series,

  Accidentally… Over?

  Prologue

  1993. Tulum, Mexico

  Death is trying to seduce me.

  I know it now. I know for sure. I always suspected that he would claim me after I survived the accident that took my parents’ life, but now there’s no doubt he’s coming for me.

  And death isn’t some ominous creature that carries a bloody scythe, his face obscured by a black cloak, his spindly, bony fingers protruding from the cuff of his dark sleeve as he enters your dinner party, points to your plates, and declares in a gravelly voice, “You’re all dead. It was the canned salmon.”

  Oh no. This is not a joke, and he’s no monster.

  Death is a sex god. Tall, built like a solid brick of muscles, finely chiseled cheekbones, and full, sensual lips meant for doing anything but killing.

  How do I know this?

  Because he’s been watching me, whispering in my ear as I sleep, quietly hiding in the shadows while I eat, while I work. But this morning, I turned the tables. Now, it’s his turn.

  I followed the sound of his footsteps through my house, out my back porch, and then picked up his large footprints in the sand. I live on the beach, if you can’t tell. And now, I’m crouching behind the tall, dry grass blanketing the massive sand dune. The crashing waves mask the sound of my thumping heart and heavy, frantic breaths. I’m sweating like mad as the morning sun beats down on my back as I watch my stalker emerge from a swim in the waves, the outline of his body glistening with drops of ocean water. I can barely believe what I see. Though he’s nearly transparent, I can tell his body is magnificent. I’ve never seen a more beautiful man. Broad shoulders, powerful arms and legs, incredibly sculpted everything, and thick hair—though I can’t tell the color—that falls to his shoulders. Yes, he looks like a god, not the bringer of death.

  And I can’t help but wonder why he’s made that way. Is it so that when he comes for me, there’ll be some sort of consolation—getting to see his face? I don’t know, but I’m not ready to see it yet. I want to live. I want to grow old. I want to fall in love just once. Just once before my time is up. At least my parents had that before they were taken from me.

  My eyes study every detail and feature of this “man,” hoping to find some chink in his armor. But there’s nothing. Nothing that will help save me from him.

  Suddenly, I see his chin lift and his head move in my direction.

  Can he see me? Oh my God. He’s coming right for me.

  I bolt from my hiding place and make a run for it. I know if I make it to my house I can lock the doors, but that won’t stop him. There is nowhere to hide from death, but I run anyway.

  I make it to my back porch and reach for the door, but I slip on something—I don’t know what—and my body crashes to the hard cement. My head cracks on the sharp edge of the step, and I can’t move. All I can feel is my beating heart and heaving lungs, burning with fear.

  “Dammit, woman. Why the hell do you always run from me?” His deep voice washes over me, and I can’t help but notice how his voice soothes my soul.

  I look up and try to focus my eyes on him, but he’s difficult to make out. His dripping hair catches only a few rays of morning sunlight.

  “You’re so beautiful,” I croak. “But I don’t want to die. Please don’t take me away.”

  I feel his warm hand run over my cheek. “I am trying to save you, Ashli. Why won’t you let me?”

  Why does he say that? Why does he always lie to me? It doesn’t matter now because I’m already dying. The darkness begins to swallow me.

  “Shit!” I roll from my bed and fall to the floor with a thump.

  Son of a bitch! Why do I keep having these dreams?

  Glossary

  Baktun: Twenty cycles of the Mayan calendar equal to 144,000 days or approximately 394 years.

  Black Jade: Found only in a particular mine located in southern Mexico, this jade has very special supernatural properties, including the ability to absorb supernatural energy—in particular, god energy. When worn by humans, it is possible for them to have physical contact with a god. If injected, it can make a person addicted to doing bad things. If the jade is fueled with dark energy and then released, it can be used as a weapon. Chaam personally likes using it to polish his teeth.

  Book of the Oracle of Delphi: This mystical text from 1400 BC is said to have been created by one of the great oracles at Delphi and can tell the future. As the events in present time change the future, the book’s pages magically rewrite themselves. The demigods use this book in Book #2 to figure out when and how to kill the vampire queen. Helena also reads it while their captive and learns she must sacrifice her mortality to save Niccolo.

  Cenote: Limestone sinkholes connected to a subterranean water system. They are found in Central America and southern Mexico and were once believed by the Mayans to be sacr
ed portals to the afterlife. Such smart humans! They were right. Except cenotes are actually portals to the realm of the gods.

  (If you have never seen a cenote, do a quick search on the Internet for “cenote photos,” and you’ll see how freaking cool they are!)

  Demilords: (Spoiler alert for Book #2!) This is a group of immortal badass vampires who’ve been infused with the light of the gods. They are extremely difficult to kill and hate their jobs (killing Obscuros) almost as much as they hate the gods who control them.

  Maaskab: Originally a cult of bloodthirsty Mayan priests who believed in the dark arts. It is rumored they are responsible for bringing down their entire civilization with their obsession for human sacrifices (mainly young female virgins). Once Chaam started making half-human children, he decided all firstborn males would make excellent Maaskab due to their proclivity for evil.

  Mocos, Mobscuros, O’Scabbies: Nicknames for when you join Maaskab with Obscuros to create a brand-new malevolent treat.

  Obscuros: Evil vampires who do not live by the Pact and who like to dine on innocent humans since they really do taste the best.

  The Pact: An agreement between the gods and good vampires that dictates the dos and don’ts. There are many parts to it, but the most important rules are vampires are not allowed to snack on good people (called Forbiddens), they must keep their existence a secret, and they are responsible for keeping any rogue vampires in check.

  Payal: Although the gods can take humans to their realm and make them immortal, Payals are the true genetic offspring of the gods but are born mortal, just like their human mothers. Only firstborn children inherit the gods’ genes and manifest their traits. If the firstborn happens to be female, she is a Payal. If male, well… then you get something kind of yucky (see definition of Maaskab)!

  The Tablet: A Mayan relic made of black jade. It has the power to create portals to other dimensions and to another moment in time.

  Uchben: An ancient society of scholars and warriors who serve as the gods’ eyes and ears in the human world. They also do the books and manage the gods’ earthly assets.

  Vamp-ubus, Incu-pire: The saucy combination of an incubus and a vampire.

  Character Definitions

  The Gods

  Although every culture around the world has their own names and beliefs related to beings of worship, there are actually only fourteen gods. And since the gods are able to access the human world only through the portals called cenotes, located in the Yucatán, the Mayans were big fans.

  The gods often refer to each other as brother and sister, but the truth is they are just another species of the Creator and completely unrelated.

  Acan—God of Intoxication and Wine: Also known as Belch, Acan has been drunk for a few thousand years. He hopes to someday trade places with Votan because he’s tired of his flabby muscles and beer belly.

  Ah-Ciliz—God of Solar Eclipses: Called A.C. by his brethren, Ah-Ciliz is generally thought of as the party pooper because of his dark attitude.

  Akna—Goddess of Fertility: You either love her or you hate her.

  Backlum Chaam—God of Male Virility: He’s responsible for discovering black jade, figuring out how to procreate with humans, and kicking off the chain of events that will eventually lead to the Great War.

  Camaxtli—Goddess of the Hunt: Also known as Fate, Camaxtli holds a special position among the gods since no one dares challenge her. When Fate has spoken, that’s the end of the conversation.

  Colel Cab—Mistress of Bees: Because really, where would we all be without the bees?

  Goddess of Forgetfulness: Um… I forget her name. Sorry.

  Ixtab—Goddess of Suicide: Ixtab is generally described as a loner. Could it be those dead critters she carries around? But don’t judge her so hastily. You never know what truly lies behind that veil of black she wears.

  K’ak: The history books remember him as K’ak Tiliw Chan Yopaat, ruler of Copán in the 700s AD. King K’ak (don’t you just love that name? Tee-hee-hee…) is one of Cimil’s favorite brothers. We’re not really sure what he does, but he can throw bolts of lightning.

  Kinich Ahau—ex–God of the Sun: Also known by many other names, depending on the culture, Kinich likes to go by Nick these days. He’s also now a vampire—something he’s actually not so bummed about, except that the sifting dimension has been closed (something he’s always wanted to do) and the love of his life is filled with sunshine. Talk about hot sex…

  Máax—the One No One Speaks Of: His name literally means “Who?” Once known as the God of Truth, Máax was banished for repeatedly violating the ban on time travel. The gods stripped his powers, including the ability to take physical form, and banished him to the human realm. Even to this day, he refuses to desist with his time-traveling ways, but why? What or who is he looking for? All will be revealed in Book #5, Accidentally… Over?

  Votan—God of Death and War: Also known as Odin, Wotan, Wodan, God of Drums (he has no idea how the hell he got that title; he hates the drums), and Lord of Multiplication (okay, he is pretty darn good at math so that one makes sense). These days, Votan goes by Guy Santiago (it’s a long story—read Book #1), but despite his deadly tendencies, he’s all heart. He’s now engaged to Emma Keane.

  Yum Cimil—Goddess of the Underworld: Also known as Ah-Puch by the Mayans, Mictlantecuhtli (try saying that one ten times) by the Aztec, Grim Reaper by the Europeans, Hades by the Greeks… you get the picture! Despite what people say, Cimil is actually a female, adores a good bargain (especially garage sales) and the color pink. She’s also batshit crazy.

  Zac Cimi—Bacab of the North: What the heck is a Bacab? According to the gods’ folklore, the Bacabs are the four eldest and most powerful of the gods. Once thought to be the God of Love, we now know differently. Zac is the God of Temptation, and his tempting ways have landed him in very hot water. Because no matter how tempting your brother’s mate might be, trying to steal her is wrong.

  Not the Gods

  Andrus: Ex-Demilord (vampire who’s been given the gods’ light), now just a demigod after his maker, the vampire queen, died. According to Cimil, his son, who hasn’t been born yet, is destined to marry Helena and Niccolo’s daughter.

  Anne: Not telling.

  Antonio Acero: Don’t want to put any spoilers here, so let’s just say he’s a hunky playboy Spaniard with a dirty mouth and a dark secret.

  Brutus: One of Gabrán’s elite Uchben warriors. He doesn’t speak much, but that’s because he and his team are telepathic. They are also immortal (a gift from the gods) and next in line to be Uchben chiefs.

  Emma Keane: A reluctant Payal who can split a man right down the middle with her bare hands. She is engaged to Votan (aka Guy Santiago) and really wants to kick the snot out of Tommaso, the man who betrayed her.

  Father Xavier: Once a priest at the Vatican, Xavier is now the Uchben’s top scholar and historian. He has a thing for jogging suits, Tyra Banks, and Cimil.

  Gabrán: One of the Uchben chiefs and a very close friend of the gods. The chiefs have been given the gods’ light and are immortal—a perk of the job.

  Gabriela: Emma Keane’s grandmother and one of the original Payals. She now leads the Maaskab at the young age of eightysomething.

  Helena Strauss: Once human, Helena is now a vampire and married to Niccolo DiConti. She has a half-vampire daughter, Matty, who is destined to marry Andrus’s son, according to Cimil.

  Jess: Not telling.

  Julie Trudeau: Penelope’s mother.

  Mitnal: The very first Maaskab and the true creator of the vampire race.

  Niccolo DiConti: Ex–General of the Vampire Army. He is the interim vampire leader now that the queen is dead, because the army remained loyal to him. He is married to Helena Strauss and has a half-vampire daughter, Matty—a wedding gift from Cimil.

  Nick (short for Niccole): (From Book #1, not to be confused with Kinich). Also not telling.

  Penelope Trudeau: The woman Cimil approaches to be he
r brother’s surrogate.

  Philippe: Roberto’s brother. An Ancient One.

  Reyna: The dead vampire queen.

  Roberto (Narmer): Originally an Egyptian pharaoh, Narmer was one of the six Ancient Ones—the very first vampires. He eventually changed his name to Roberto and moved to Spain—something to do with one of Cimil’s little schemes. Rumor is, he wasn’t too happy about it.

  Sentin: One of Niccolo’s loyal vampire soldiers. Viktor turned him into a vampire after finding him in a ditch during World War II.

  Tommaso: Oh, boy. Where to start. Once an Uchben, Tommaso’s mind was poisoned with black jade. He tried to kill Emma. She’s not happy about that.

  Viktor: Niccolo’s right hand and BFF. He’s approximately one thousand years old and originally a Viking. He’s big. He’s blond. He’s got the hots for some blonde woman he’s dreamed of for the last five hundred years. He’s also Helena’s maker.

  Spot the Phony Cimil Line—Answers

  Which one of these lines was not said by Cimil?

  1. “Welcome to my insane world. Please keep your hands inside the unicorn at all times.”

  2. “Berty, you think you’re badass with that outfit? Your tiny manly parts will be on display when I dump you on the floor.”

  3. “Shit is my middle name. Except on Wednesdays when I speak Klingon, then it’s baktag.”

  4. “F***ing Cub Scouts. Give them some mistletoe and a few Christmas carols and they think they own the whole f***ing holiday!”

  5. “Roberrrrrto, that man-skirt is not bringing sexy back.”

  6. “Okay, I am a good goddess. I am a kind goddess, oh, hell. No, I’m not.”

  7. “Oh! Pluck, Pluck, Eyeball is my favorite game! It’s like Duck, Duck, Goose… but with eyeballs!”

  8. “Helpful is my middle name—except on Saturdays. Then it’s Jaaaasmine…”

  9. “Roberto, baby, how many times do I have to tell you? You’re MUCH bigger than my unicorn!”

  10. “You may be the big shot Pharaoh Narmer now, but you’re still not wearing my pretty pink skirt to the pyramid celebration no matter how well it swirls when you shift.”