Heartsick

by Dia Reeves

  Using up her heart again—it took so much energy to regrow body parts—but it was worth it. She’d never been so close to a guardian before.

  She whispered, “If I let you eat the rest of my fingers, can I come back and talk to you? Ask you questions? It’s nice talking to other types of people instead of just humans all the time.”

  Lazarus regarded her, clearly charmed. “That wish I will grant, free of charge.” He cast a baleful eye upon the twins. “Your wish is also granted.” The purple fire consumed him, and he melted, spreading his flesh and flame over the water once more.

  Chapter 28

  “Where’s the iodine?” Sterling rummaged in the medicine cabinet, knocking pill bottles and lozenges into the sink.

  “I don’t need iodine,” Rue said from her seat on the toilet, hair waving in the steam from the shower.

  “It’ll get infected.”

  “I don’t get infected. Besides, the wounds have closed.”

  “There’s some under the sink,” Stanton said, poking his wet head around the shower curtain.

  “Thanks!” Sterling brandished the iodine triumphantly. “This might sting a little.”

  “What will? There’s nothing—”

  “And a nice bandage to seal the deal.”

  “My fingers are growing back, Sterling. See the nubs?”

  “Tell me if it’s too tight.”

  “Are you listening to me?”

  “No! So shut up and let me do this. What else can I do? You let that thing eat part of you, and not even to get a wish of your own. You did it for us. Always for us. Why?”

  “You said you’d make me a heart.” Rue picked at the bandage, but Sterling smacked her hand.

  “Tell me why.”

  “I have to protect you.”

  “Tell me the truth. Why can’t you just say it?”

  “I like you.”

  “Like who?”

  “You.” She stood and left the steamy bathroom, unable to breathe as well as she was used to. “You. And Stanton. And Karissa.”

  “And?”

  “I want to help.”

  “Goddamn it, Rue.” He followed her out of the room. “Tell me. I told you, and I didn’t drop dead. Stop running away and say it.”

  She bit him.

  He yelped and shoved her away. Wounded. Betrayed. Because Sterling didn’t understand her, and she didn’t have the vocabulary to explain.

  The shower running in the bathroom emphasized the silence, the gulf between them. Reminded Rue of those early days when he’d seemed so distant. When she’d had to work so hard to win him over.

  And she had.

  She’d won.

  Rue was on her feet and in his arms before she could finish the thought. Kissing him. He understood kissing. She bit his mouth a little, just a little, and his jaw and his neck. Tiny bites that felt like kisses, too gentle to bruise even a peach. Sterling was still, head cocked to the side as though listening. Finally listening.

  She lifted his shirt to bite him in a new place, but before she could, he began unbuttoning her uniform. She waited while he stripped her down. Waited while he moved her to his bed. They sank onto the covers together, but it was too much like drowning. She sat up and steadied her breath and waited. Straddled him, and when he was sufficiently distracted—stroking her breasts, tracing the slit that ran between—Rue bit him on the same shoulder, in the same spot, but twice as hard as before. Deepening the marks.

  This time he didn’t seem to mind.

  Later:

  “Sterling? Sterling?” Rue poked and poked his chest, but he remained motionless.

  “Don’t bother. I think you killed him.”

  Stanton sat on his own bed watching her through the violet-lensed glasses. He smelled good from the shower, curly hair slicked straight with water, cozy in his blue robe.

  “You glow when you finish. Your soul expands; it’s really beautiful.”

  “He’s finished. Not me.” Rue joined Stanton on his bed, zeroed in on the brown nipple peeking out of his robe, but before she could bite it, he grabbed her face, fingers digging into her cheek.

  “You’re not in the woods anymore. And I’m not Heath. Or Sterling.” He set the glasses aside and she lay on her back while he removed his robe.

  “Sorry.”

  He lay over her, steamy and damp, and kissed her apology away. “Say ‘I love you’. Look at me when you say it.”

  Where else would she look?

  “I love you.”

  “That’s a start,” he said, his approval as warm as his body. “When you get an urge to bite, say I love you instead.”

  “What if the urge doesn’t go away?” She didn’t know why it was such a relief to look to someone else for answers, but it was. Stanton always had the answers, even if they weren’t always right.

  “You’ll have to keep saying it. Biting’s okay, but words have power.”

  Water dripped from his hair onto her face as he spoke. Sometimes he brushed the droplets away. Sometimes he kissed them away.

  “I love you.” Rue sighed. “People say that. Westwood says that. It could mean anything.”

  “Just get used to saying it; we’ll figure out what it means later.”

  “I love you. Do you love me?”

  His patient expression twisted into something she didn’t understand. Until he bit her nipple the way she’d been about to bite his earlier, so hard that the thing inside her she hadn’t known was tense, loosened.

  Humans might express themselves differently from heartless, but the punctuation was the same.

  Chapter 29

  Rue awoke later that afternoon, Grissel’s chilly lips atop her own, Grissel’s smell, of wormwood and ice, suffocating her.

  Rue turned her head to the side, mouth numb. She didn’t want to smell Grissel. She wanted to drowse unmolested in Stanton’s bed and wait for the twins to return to her.

  The hairs of Grissel’s black wig slithered across Rue’s face as she straightened and pulled a chair to the bed oh so close to where Rue lay.

  “You can’t have my soul. How many times do I have to say it?”

  “Just a piece? Drabbin says he always feels better after he’s been with you.”

  “That’s not what I give him. I give him pain.”

  “That’s what he needs. Give me what I need.”

  A sudden shaft of fading sunlight from the window painted claw marks across Grissel’s face and she winced, shifting her chair out of range, but not before Rue noticed that the transparency Grissel had been afflicted with had spread. Her bones were visible, here and there, as if floating in milk. Rue looked for her heart and couldn’t see it.

  “What happened? Why can I see through you?”

  “It was Kevin. Losing his soul. It wasn’t even mine! But it may as well have been.” Grissel’s tongue was grayish-white and wriggled oddly in the cage of her mouth. “When Kevin left, he took part of me, a part I can’t spare. Now John is wondering out loud whether I’m a fit vessel for Elnora.”

  “I need my soul.”

  “The tiniest crumb? We’re family now; we may as well be.”

  “You’d owe me.”

  “Of course, of course.”

  Rue sat up and tossed her hair out of her face—the twins had unraveled her braids, Sterling the right, Stanton the left—and blew into her cupped palm. A vibrant wisp of her soul drifted free, lit up her hand. She offered it to Grissel. “Just this once.”

  Instead of inhaling, Grissel ate Rue’s soul as though it were fruit. Something juicy and succulent, like a plum. She licked her fingers when she was done.

  “Why are you crying?” Rue asked, watching the tears freeze on Grissel’s cheeks.

  “These aren’t my tears. They’re yours. For Nettle.” Grissel relaxed in the chair, a fist unclenching.

  “Better you than me. I don’t like to cry.”

  Stanton had left his glass of water, now rimed with frost thanks to Grissel’s nearness, on t
he bedside table; Rue grabbed it. Bright lemon peels curled in the water and bumped her lips as she drank, her mouth where Stanton’s mouth had been. She might have licked it clean of his taste if the door hadn’t slammed open.

  “Rue, there’s something in the theater—”

  The servant’s eyes darted between Rue and Grissel, and then he yelped and hopped backward out of the room.

  Faintly irritated, Rue kicked the covers the rest of the way off and left Stanton’s bed. Yanked her uniform back on, resenting the barrier between her and what she’d done with the twins. Resenting everyone.

  The servant waited in the hall, an older man whose teeth were too big for his mouth. “Sorry to interrupt,” he said. “But we were cleaning, and then it grabbed me.”

  Rue tidied her hair as they hurried downstairs. “What grabbed you?”

  “I don’t know!” He couldn’t quite look Rue in the face. “But it’s still in there. You can hear it moving under the stage.”

  About fifteen minutes later, Rue held an armful of what had so frightened the servants in the theater.

  “Puking Buddhas?” the servant said, as they walked outside in the humid garden. Yellow streaky sky covered in clouds now, and the smell of rain was pervasive. “But they’re cute. Puke and cute don’t go together. Aren’t you cute?” He said to his own armful. “Yes you are!”

  They were. Fat cheeks, fatter bellies. An orange undertone, like they were slowly ripening. When Rue squeezed them, there was a warm, liquid give, and they were too adorable not to squeeze. It made them chuckle. They were even cuter when they chuckled. “We can release them right here,” said Rue, stopping on the slope leading down into the pines. “They’ll be okay, if they remember what I said about avoiding the fake rosebush.”

  The puking Buddhas nodded.

  The servant released his armload and watched delighted as they toddled down the hill on their chubby legs.

  “I’ll see if there’re any more.”

  Rue would have gone with him, but by the time she and the servant reached the house, the twins’ blue Dauphine pulled up.

  Karissa ran to Rue from the driveway and hugged her.

  “The twins said you fed the Lazarus snake your fingers. Did you really?”

  “It wasn’t a big deal.” Rue showed Karissa nubs that were almost long enough to have knuckles.

  “It was the biggest deal of all time,” said Sterling, his expression out of sync with his words. Because he’d noticed her lack of bandages.

  Stanton on the other hand was beaming, as if he didn’t care that all she had to offer were random body parts. He even kissed her. Right in front of his sister.

  “You can’t kiss Rue like that,” Karissa said, doing her best Stanton impersonation.

  “It’s okay. She’s our girlfriend now.” He kissed Rue again. “See?”

  “Why would you wanna kiss the twins? They’re stupid.” That’s how Rue knew Karissa was still upset about not meeting the Lazarus snake.

  “I’ll show you stupid,” Stanton said and chased Karissa around the patio.

  Leaving Rue alone with Sterling, who was scowling so fiercely that Rue hid her offensive almost-fingers behind her back and said, “They can’t grow as well, all wrapped up.”

  “I’m the one who needs bandages.” He lifted his sweater, revealing the wound on the soft flesh below his navel. “This one’s still bleeding.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Stanton gets all the love and kisses and I get bitten to death?”

  “I know Stanton likes me. I’m not always sure about you.”

  “You don’t have to be mean to me.”

  “Heath loved it when I bit him.”

  Sterling’s mouth twisted at the mention of Heath, but she could see him thinking it over as he traced the bloody bite mark. “This means you like me?”

  She nodded.

  “And you bit Stanton like this?”

  “Not as hard.”

  Stanton wouldn’t allow it, but before she could say so, Sterling let go of his sweater and kissed her. For a long time. When he pulled away, he was no longer frowning.

  “Okay.”

  “Rue!” Karissa ran toward her, Stanton right on her heels. “Help!” She flung herself into Rue’s arms, even though Karissa, being tall for her age, was almost as tall as Rue. But if she was taller than average, Karissa was also thinner, and Rue carried her weight easily.

  “You think you’re safe now?” Stanton blustered. “No one is safe from the tickle monster. Especially not little sisters with overly sensitive earlobes. Grr. Argh.”

  Karissa hid her earlobes under her hands and squealed.

  “She’s safe with me.”

  Karissa stopped squealing. “I am?”

  Rue pondered this. “As safe as anyone can be.”

  She looked surprised and then put her arms around Rue’s neck. “If you’re their girlfriend, that means we’re sisters now. We have to be. Or else it’s not fair.”

  “Then I guess we’re sisters. I wouldn’t want you to think I was unfair.”

  Karissa’s hug nearly strangled Rue, who didn’t mind one bit. She didn’t mind the twins’ smiles. Didn’t mind the warm rain beginning to drip on her head.

  Rue knew what happiness was, what it felt like. She recognized it now, but there was so much of it, as if she’d stuffed herself full of something heavy, like cake or mud. Heavy but weightless. If the wind had blown Karissa and Rue up to the clouds, it wouldn’t have surprised her.

  Grissel managed to burst Rue’s balloon, however, when she came outside, as pale as ever, but opaque at least, half her wig braided in a single plait, the rest a crazed tangle. She carried a puking Buddha, a dead one, Grissel’s grip on its neck so tight, its orange face had turned blue.

  She stared suspiciously at a shaft of sunset- colored light beaming in the far distance. Over their own heads, though, was nothing but gloom. Grissel darted forward and bit Karissa, who screamed.

  “You should have put your name on the food list Kissy Face,” Grissel said, as the twins pulled their sister away and tended to her bleeding arm. “A lot tastier than burnt popcorn.”

  “What’s gotten into you?” Stanton said.

  “Her!” But Grissel’s laughter was painful to hear, a sharp contrast to the puking Buddhas adorable chuckling. “And now I’m hungry! So hungry.” Grissel dropped to the muddy lawn and gnawed on the dead puking Buddha while the four of them watched aghast.

  Chapter 30

  “Me and Rue could distract the guards,” Karissa told her brothers as the four of them piled out of the blue Dauphine. “And what about the alarms? We could short circuit them or something.”

  “Relax, James Bond,” said Sterling. “It’s just a dinky small town museum, not the Louvre.”

  “What’s that?”

  “A famous museum in Paris,” Stanton said. “Where they keep the Mona Lisa.”

  “I know Mona Lisa. She smiles like this.” Karissa shaped her face into an accurate imitation.

  “Don’t worry about the museum. The only thing you have to do is what we told you.” Stanton passed the satchel to Karissa. “Five minutes.”

  Sterling squeezed Rue’s hand and asked for the millionth time, “You’re sure you’re okay?”

  “I’ll wait for you.”

  “That’s not an answer.”

  “Then ask me later.”

  “So you can not answer me again?”

  “Later.”

  He looked like he wanted to ask now, but after noting Karissa’s interest in the conversation, Sterling let her go and joined his brother.

  The twins crossed the avenue and disappeared into the museum while Rue and Karissa stayed in the parking lot, settling on the hood of the Dauphine to better enjoy the sunshine. A street vendor was selling green dark peach juice and paper hats plastered with four-leaf clovers. Because it was St. Patrick’s Day, Karissa explained, and everyone had to pretend to be Irish. It was also the first day of spring break
, and so the street teemed with young people. With the schools shut against them, they had to find some other building to hide inside, and a number had chosen the museum for some reason.

  “It has interesting stuff inside,” said Karissa. “We went there for a field trip, and a lady showed us around. There’s a painting of Pili Carmona; she was a town hero and she was only my age. There’s photos of the Mayor from a hundred years ago and two hundred years ago and three hundred years ago. There’s a dead spider thing as tall as Daddy. There’s lots of creatures in the museum. No heartless though,” she added quickly.

  “I would’ve been the first, if my folks had gotten their wish. I’d have been stuffed and propped up in some lame diorama.”

  Karissa put a hand on Rue’s knee. “Just because somebody tries to kill you, doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Your family sent initiates after you, so you know they weren’t trying too hard. Like with Daddy and me. He tries, but not too hard. Love means never killing the people you really like.”

  “He killed your mother.”

  “But he didn’t mean it. That’s why he’s trying so hard to bring her back.”

  The museum street car trundled past full of tourists dressed in reds and blues and yellows, snapping pictures of every little thing. Even Rue and Karissa. Or maybe just Karissa, who looked especially cute in her bunny ears.

  “Do you think Elnora will like me?”

  “I don’t remember her.” Karissa put her chin in her hands, thinking. “Or what she liked. One time Stanton said she liked puzzles. And cotton candy, the blue kind. They went to the county fair and that’s all she ate.”

  “Did she like people who weren’t human?”

  “She had a dog when she was a little girl. But it died.”

  Rue checked her phone when it beeped. “It’s time.”

  Karissa opened the satchel Stanton had left with her and a swarm of bees wafted into the air, propelled forward by the brisk wind. Paper white bees that looked more like the fluffy stuff that spilled out of huge packages that came in the mail. A few swirled around Karissa’s head, but she only laughed and shooed them on.