Float the Goat

by Katerina Nikolas

  “Well Tassia actually chose it, but Tasos told her what style of wedding dress he dreamed of seeing you in,” Sofia said gingerly, realising Tassia had also selected the hideous frock she was stuck in. If the wedding dress was anything like the monstrosity she was modelling Sofia realised that Tasos was likely to be left heartbroken at the altar.

  Sofia’s worst fears materialised when Thea took one look at the over the top ruffled white ball gown festooned with flounces, frills and enormous plastic like flowers. The skirt was so voluminous it would dwarf Thea’s slender body, turning her into a midget blancmange. The sequined puffed sleeves were so broad they could have been blown up by Bald Yannis’ foot pump, extending so high their sharply starched edges could take the sides off Thea’s ears.

  “I wouldn’t be seen dead in that nylon horror,” Thea announced, grabbing the dress and running out of Tassia’s house.

  “Trust Tasos to muck things up, what was he thinking?” she muttered, shoving the frilly dress into the nearest bin. Slowing her pace she reflected Tasos’ intentions had been kind and thoughtful, and she couldn’t expect him to suddenly acquire good taste in women’s clothing when the bar for village fashion was set by hideous old lady dresses. Mentally cataloguing the dresses in her wardrobe Thea smiled happily as she pictured the very elegant cream silk number she’d bought from the Home Shopping channel and was saving for a special occasion.

  “There’s no more special occasion than my fourth wedding,” she said aloud, making a beeline for her wardrobe.

  Chapter 39

  Waiting at the Altar

  Standing stiffly at the altar, Toothless Tasos could feel his heart racing. His lifelong fantasy of marrying the goddess of his dreams was about to come true. He was gratified to see the church pews begin to fill up with his friends who had dropped whatever they were doing to celebrate his wedding.

  “Shall I chuck those two old crones out before they start spitting at your bride?” the Pappas asked, watching Fotini and Nitsa rudely elbow their way through to front row seats.

  “No, leave ‘em be. I’m ‘appy they turned up to support us,” Tasos replied.

  The fishermen filed into the church, their fishy clothes immediately attracting the attention of the dyed pink cat. Forcing its way free from the cardboard box it sprang on top of Prosperous Pedros’ head, desperate to lick up the smeared residue of prawn bait. Tasos rushed over to grab the cat, tying a pink bow with the wedding rings attached around the feline’s neck in preparation for its vital role as ring bearer.

  “What’s he going to do for an encore? ‘Ave Bald Yannis’ darling goat carry Thea’s train up the aisle in its teeth,” Stavroula sniggered snobbishly, thinking she would never settle for such a last minute haphazard affair when she tied the knot with her slick lawyer.

  The English tourists Cilla and Clive tentatively took the seats behind the fishermen, hoping to see something typically Greek, but the overpowering smell of fish soon sent them scuttling to the other side of the church.

  “’Ere come and squeeze in with us Did-Rees,” Prosperous Pedros called out, feeling very protective of the gutsy woman since saving her at sea. He regretted the invitation as soon as the American pair squashed in between the fishermen. Quentin still emanated a lingering scent of sewage, even though he’d had a vigorous scrub in the shower and Deirdre had sprayed him liberally with air freshener.

  Soula smiled knowingly at her sister as Tall Thomas sidled into the seat next to Voula, giving her hand a squeeze.

  “Did yous manage to shake off Luka?” Thomas asked.

  “Po po, he’s up to no good in his bedroom. I could hear his television blaring,” Voula confided.

  “Ooh Yanni, a church is no place for yous chainsaw,” Soula tutted disapprovingly as Bald Yannis joined her.

  “I want to get it cleaned up now so I’ll ‘ave free time this afternoon to take yous to the beach an’ teach yous ‘ow to swim,” Bald Yannis grinned, rubbing an oily rag over his trusty tool.

  “Ooh Yanni, yous remembered. Yous is the best ‘usband ever,” Soula beamed.

  Mail order Masha managed to epitomize glamour even on short notice. Making a grand entrance she floated in wearing a pastel pink evening gown that cascaded loosely over her bump.

  “Andy, yous look adorable,” Masha shrieked delightedly as Andromeda raced past her, having spotted the cat. The cat took one look at the pink blob hurtling down on it and ran to hide beneath the folds of the Pappas’ long black clerical dress. The Pappas stood firm, determined to maintain a dignified stance in front of his parishioners even though the cat was trying to skim up his leg.

  Sofia looked utterly dejected when she arrived to deliver the bad news to Toothless Tasos that his bride-to-be had done a runner and ditched him at the altar. She hadn’t bothered changing out of the ghastly bridesmaid dress that clashed hideously with her blushing tear-streaked face.

  “Taso, I don’t know how to tell you. Nona isn’t coming. She was really excited when I first told her about the surprise wedding but she took one look at that frightful wedding dress and legged it,” Sofia said sorrowfully, having jumped to the erroneous presumption that Thea’s departure from Tassia’s house meant she had unceremoniously dumped the groom.

  “No,” Tasos moaned, not daring to exhale.

  “I’m so sorry Taso,” Sofia sympathised.

  Toothless Tasos slumped to his knees; shaking his head at the thought Thea had rejected him.

  “Nona said she wouldn’t be seen dead in that ghastly dress and I can’t say I blame her. What on earth were you thinking Taso, having Tassia buy that nylon horror? It was even worse than this monstrosity I’m wearing; I tell you I would die rather than let Iraklis see me in this and I expect Nona felt the same,” Sofia waffled.

  “It’s only a dress, what’s it matter what it looks like?” Tasos asked, clueless about Thea’s desire to be a beautiful bride.

  “Oh Taso, it does matter, Nona would have been a laughing stock in that thing.”

  “Is this wedding off or on?” the Pappas interrupted impatiently.

  “Taso, yous need to go and find Thea and talk things out,” mail order Masha butted in. The silicone Russian had hurried up the aisle after her goddaughter Andromeda and overheard Sofia telling Tasos about the dress disaster. “Sofia is right, if yous expected Thea to say ‘I do’ in a dress even more ‘orrid than that sickly pink disaster then yous know nothing about women. But it doesn’t ‘ave to mean the end of yous engagement.”

  “Tell ‘em the wedding is off,” Tasos glumly instructed the Pappas. “I’ll go an’ see if I can find Thea an’ see if she’s dumped me or just ‘ad a fit of vanity,” he added, slipping out through the back door.

  “I might as well send this lot home,” the Pappas said, irritated his parishioners wouldn’t get to see him being his priestly best.

  “No, don’t send anyone home,” mail order Masha told the Pappas. “As everyone is already gathered ‘ere in church, which yous ‘ave to admit is a bit of a miracle, we might as well get Did-Rees baptised. She ‘as to be Orthodox so she can be godmother to the silicone chip.”

  “This is must irregular,” the Pappas objected.

  “Will this brown envelope make it a bit more regular?” Masha asked, slipping the Pappas a crafty hundred Euros.

  The congregation was getting antsy, wondering what was going on since Toothless Tasos’ disappearance had not gone unnoticed.

  “Order, order. There has been a slight change of programme,” the Pappas announced. “Instead of joining Toothless Tasos and Thea in Holy matrimony I will be conducting an impromptu baptism. Please step forward Did-Rees and prepare for your oily dunking.”

  Chapter 40

  A Beautiful Bride

  Something about Sofia’s words sank into Toothless Tasos’ downcast mind as he hurried home. Even though he knew nothing about women’s fashion he had to admit Sofia had looked absolutely awful in that ridiculous dress. It dawned on him that Thea would never subject her
self to public humiliation by appearing in anything half as hideous, being very particular about her appearance. Even if her reason for not showing up at the church was so shallow, he still adored her and hoped he hadn’t lost her.

  The door to the fisherman’s cottage opened as Tasos approached and a vision of loveliness emerged. Thea looked magnificent in an elegant silk gown, the sleek cream fabric flattering her colouring. Walking towards him, his goddess smiled, saying,

  “I ‘ope I didn’t keep yous waitin’ Taso, I wanted to be a beautiful bride for you.”

  “Thea, yous take my breath away, yous is truly a goddess,” Toothless Tasos declared, elated she still wanted to marry him after his hideous dress blunder.

  Holding hands the pair strolled towards the church, surprised to discover Deirdre’s baptism taking place.

  “Malaka, I thought yous wasn’t coming so I told the Pappas the wedding was off,” Toothless Tasos confessed.

  “It doesn’t matter darling, we can still be married. Exchanging our vows is the important thing. Why don’t we slip up to the Dimarcheio and get married there quietly? That way Sofia will be able to see Iraklis off instead of having to play bridesmaid,” Thea suggested.

  “Is yous sure yous don’t mind not ‘aving a bigly church do?” Tasos asked.

  “Oh Taso, our wedding photographs will be ruined if Sofia is caught on camera in that revolting frock,” Thea laughed.

  “Okay let’s do it. Just ‘ang on a minute while I sneak into the church and catch the cat,” Tasos laughed, remembering he needed to retrieve the wedding rings.

  Chapter 41

  Goat Afloat

  “Did-Ree’s oily dunkin’ was a turn up for the books,” Bald Yannis said, striding along towards the beach beside his waddling pregnant wife and leading Agapimeni. It was far too hot for his darling goat to be dressed in a woolly two-piece but she looked cute in a pink bow, with a floral sunhat perched jauntily on her head.

  “Now that Did-Rees ‘as been baptised we could consider askin’ ‘er to be Nona for one of the twins Yanni, what does yous think?” Soula asked.

  “It’s a possibility,” Bald Yannis agreed, feeling quite pleasantly disposed to the American couple after they’d promised not to sue him for selling them the dodgy inflatable flamingo.

  “Ooh Yanni, I’m that excited to be goin’ in the sea,” Soula exclaimed as the clear turquoise water came into view.

  “Yous isn’t the only one, it will be Agapimeni’s first time too,” Bald Yannis said proudly.

  “Ooh Yanni look,” Soula shouted, waving excitedly as the bus passed on its way up to Paraliakos. Soula pointed out Iraklis squashed between Sofia and Mrs Kolokotronis on the back seat.

  “Imagine ‘ow embarrassed the lad will be turning up at the army base with that pair in tow,” Bald Yannis laughed. “He’ll never live it down.”

  “Well I think it’s sweet, an’ they all looked happy for a change, smiling and laughin’ instead of their usual crying,” Soula said. She had no idea the threesome were rendered helpless with hilarity having just seen Melecretes sneaking into the Evangelia’s apartment wearing Thea’s discarded meringue wedding dress he had surreptitiously retrieved from the bins, hotly pursued by Fotini and Nitsa intent on covering him with spit.

  “I’ll let ‘er off the lead for a bit,” Bald Yannis said, releasing his darling goat.

  “Ooh Yanni, I’m so ‘appy to be on the beach with yous,” Soula gushed, taking her first ever steps in the sea.

  “Come on Soula, I will teach yous ‘ow to swim,” Yannis offered.

  “Ooh Yanni, it’s wonderful,” Soula giggled as her husband showed her how to stay afloat with a steadying hand beneath her back.

  “Yous is a natural Soula,” Bald Yannis praised her.

  “Ooh look, Yanni,” Soula laughed, pointing to Agapimeni. The goat had clambered on top of the giant pink plastic inflatable flamingo Bald Yannis had towed back to the beach after Deirdre’s rescue. A wave caught the edge of the float, nudging it into the water with the goat wobbling unsteadily on top.

  Creasing up with laughter at the goat’s bemused expression Soula called out “goat afloat.”

  “Malaka, it’s goin’ to sink,” Bald Yannis cried out, watching Agapimeni about to chew the head off the flamingo.

  “Stop it quick Yanni. Don’t let the flamingo deflate. I think yous is going to ‘ave to float me back to the village on it as I’ve just gone into labour.”

  I Hope You Enjoyed Float the Goat!

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  If you would like to be notified when the next book in the Greek Meze series is available, please feel free to contact me on katerinanikolas@outlook.com

  ~ Katerina Nikolas