Topless Agenda

by Lyle Christie

  We left our weapons by the seawall, then slipped over the concrete barrier and crossed the street. Upon reaching the sidewalk, we turned and walked towards the estate, only to have Smokey step out of the shadows and look at us menacingly. Unfortunately, I didn’t speak Arabic, but English was becoming more and more common in the Arabic world, so I figured I’d give it a try.

  “Oh, thank God we’ve found someone!”

  “Excuse me?” he responded, in surprisingly decent English.

  “We’re trying to find the local aquarium. Our friend here is injured, and we need to get him to a marine mammal veterinarian,” I said, pointing at Corn.

  He looked at Corn, and our resident unfriendly dolphin responded with a sad frown, and it was all I could do not to burst out laughing. Smokey, however, was starting to get suspicious, and it was transforming his confusion into anger.

  “I don’t know anything about an aquarium, so you three should all just move on.”

  “Please! We need to get Flubber some medical help!” I protested.

  This last response made Babs snort as he tried not to laugh, and Smokey was obviously getting tired of dealing with the three jackasses in rubber suits.

  “I don’t know what kind of game you are playing, but I am warning you to leave right now!”

  “But sir, look at him!”

  Smokey had reached his boiling point and pulled out a pistol and shoved it in my face.

  “Get the fuck out of here, or I will put a bullet in each of your brains and dump your bodies in the sea!” he yelled.

  “Fine, be that way, but, if anything happens to him, it will be on your conscience!”

  He looked completely confused by my reaction, thus giving me the perfect opportunity to act, but I had to take into account that Corn and Babs were on either side of me. To that end, I ducked down and redirected the pistol safely skyward, all while simultaneously throwing a front thrust kick to his groin. It loosened him up, and I was able to slip my leg behind his and take him to the ground. He landed on his back, and his head slammed down onto the sidewalk, the impact leaving him dazed enough to allow me to finally twist the gun out of his hands. He recovered enough to try and break free but shoving his pistol in his face made him calm the fuck down and stare up at me with his eyes bulging out in fear.

  “You play with the dolphin and you get the flippers, Smokey,” I said, as I lightly slapped each of his cheeks.

  “Dude, that was seriously the all time dumbest tough guy line ever,” Corn said.

  “Oui, it was terrible,” Babs added.

  “Stop trying to ruin my moment of glory, and help me tag and bag this fucker!”

  We duct taped Smokey’s hands, feet, and mouth then searched his pockets, hopeful he might have something useful on his person, namely a key for the front gate. Unfortunately, all we found was a lighter, cigarettes, cell phone, and his wallet.

  “Oh well, let’s go grab our weapons then check the gate. Maybe it’s unlocked.”

  We lifted Smokey and deposited him behind some nearby garbage cans then grabbed our weapons and walked over to the gate. I figured we had pretty good chances of it being unlocked, especially when you took into account that most home robberies occurred because people forgot to lock a door or window. What made terrorists any smarter? I tried the small one then the large one and found both locked. Shit. One point for the jihadists. Apparently, Smokey either knocked or called someone when he wanted to be let inside.

  “So much for that idea. I guess we have to find a way over the wall, and we’d better get the hell out of the light here before someone sees us and calls in a report to the Tunisian Police that there are two divers and a pregnant dolphin at the Carthage Harbor.”

  “Wow, the fat dolphin jokes just keep getting funnier,” Corn said, sarcastically, having clearly had his fill of aquatic themed body shaming.

  “It’s not a joke, my portly flippered friend, for, if the authorities did arrive, Babs and I would most likely end up in jail, and you’d be taken to the local aquarium where they would at least feed you plenty of fish. Now, back to task at hand, which is how in the fuck are we getting into the estate.”

  “Why don’t we use those garbage cans as a footstool to climb up onto the wall?” Babs suggested.

  “Good idea.”

  We made our way back down the street but, on closer inspection, quickly realized there was no way in hell the cheap plastic garbage cans would support any of us, let alone Corn. It was, therefore, going to come down to teamwork. Corn and Babs huddled up and boosted me onto the wall, then, with Babs pushing from below and me pulling from above, we managed to get Flubber up as well. With the two of us working together, we were able to help Babs easily shimmy up and join us, and now we were ready to continue our incursion into the terrorist stronghold. We dropped down on the other side and landed in a beautiful little section of garden, dense with trees and manicured shrubbery. All in all, it seemed a little too nice for a terrorist hideaway—especially considering their money had been slowly disappearing since the government started finding and freezing up their assets after September 11. Apparently, these assholes still had a few contributors hidden away. We exchanged a nod then set off, staying low and moving quietly through the yard until coming upon the open area with the pool and the guest house where we believed they were holding Letizia.

  “These fuckers are certainly living the good life,” I whispered.

  “Yeah, real martyrs to the cause,” Corn added.

  “So, how are we going to do this?” Babs asked.

  “Go right through the front door and tag em and bag em.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah, though we’ll obviously do a little recon through the windows to see the bad guys’ positions and where they’re holding Letizia.”

  Just as we were about to move out, another sentry appeared on the other side of the pool, and he was moving in our direction. We slipped back deeper into the shadows to stay out of view, and I looked to Corn and Babs and signaled that we should take him down. They nodded their approval, so now it was time to wait until the guy came closer, as this one had to go down without a sound. We were close to the little house and even one scream could potentially bring a bevy of tangos running out here, and, worse still, put Letizia in danger.

  The man came right to within a few feet of our hiding place, and it allowed me to sneak up behind him and wrap one hand around his neck and the other over his mouth. He was quick to react, however, and landed an elbow into my midsection that enabled him to break free and run. I accelerated into a full sprint and tackled him only a few feet from the pool house door. He hit the ground hard, and the weight of my body knocked the air from his lungs and thankfully kept him from letting out a scream. As he tried to recover, I slipped my arm around his neck and managed to get him into a decent rear choke. Once again, I was surprised at his tenacity, for he immediately started to struggle, nearly breaking free until I retook the advantage by trapping his lower body with my legs. At that point I held on for dear life, and it felt like minutes passed before he finally went unconscious. I let go, took a breath, then looked up to see Babs and Corn casually gazing down at me.

  “Too bad you assholes didn’t bring any popcorn—as you’re obviously just here to watch the show,” I said.

  “Oh, we figured you’d want to have a second try considering you had such a hard time on your first attempt.”

  “Very funny, now help me tag and bag this fucker.”

  We dragged him back into the bushes and duct taped his feet, hands, and mouth, then moved into the shadowed eaves that resided to the side of the guest house entrance. We had only been there a moment when the door unexpectedly opened and a person stepped out and walked right past us.

  “Get to it,” Corn whispered.

  “And don’t fuck it up this time,” Babs added.

  I gave them the finger, because it was the quietest way to say fuck you as I slipped from the shadows and took up pursuit of our
recent arrival. I could already imagine the shit Babs and Corn would give me if this one also managed to break free and do a runner, and that meant I needed to redeem myself. To that end, I slipped into stealth mode—a mental and physical state of mind taught to me by my karate sensei when I was but a pimply tween. I moved in complete silence, not even my breathing audible as I overtook the man and placed my left hand over his mouth. I could feel that he was a bit more petit than his friend, so I decided to employ a different kind of hold. It entailed slipping my free hand around and under his arm, but as I reached his chest, I came upon some rather familiar and unexpected territory—namely a couple of sizable breasts. Shit, it was a woman, and a nicely proportioned one at that.

  “Oh Jesus! Sorry,” I said, out of habit, moving my hand off her breasts and around her waist, hoping that she understood English.

  She wiggled and swung her arms, trying to break free, but I held firm as I leaned in close and whispered.

  “We’re only here to rescue the woman. I don’t want to hurt you. If you understand, nod your head.”

  She relaxed then nodded her head.

  “Now, I’m going to remove my hand, but I need you to promise that you won’t scream.”

  She nodded again, but I had no idea if I could trust her, which meant I had to make a split second judgement call. I walked her away from the door and behind a row of palm trees while Corn and Babs followed with their weapons at the ready. I removed my hand and released her, hoping to high heaven I had made the correct decision. I had never had to shoot a woman before, and I hoped she wouldn’t be my first.

  “You bloody ass! You scared the hell out of me!” she said, in accented, although excellent, English.

  I could understand her anger, as no one liked being grabbed from behind and having the shit scared out of them.

  “Sorry, but you kind of took me by surprise as well.”

  She took a few deep breaths and let her anger dissipate.

  “Oh well, apology accepted for the moment.”

  “I must say, your English is excellent.”

  “Of course it is, as I went to school in England.”

  “And now you’ve decided you hate the infidels?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! These men are colleagues of my idiot brother. He called me this morning and said that some friends needed to use my house. I said no but they came anyway—barging in and threatening me at gunpoint. I am just as much a prisoner as the woman inside,” she said, pointing at the little guesthouse.

  There was no way to be sure that she was telling the truth, but my professional and personal opinion was that we could trust her.

  “I’m Finn, it’s nice to meet you, though I’m sorry it had to be under these circumstances.”

  “I’m Sarra, and I would have to agree. My life has been in utter turmoil since these bastards arrived with Letizia.”

  “So, if you know her name then you were obviously able to speak with her.”

  “Yes, but only for a short time before the men in there told us to stop talking.”

  “Is she OK?” Babs asked.

  “Yes, but she’s scared. As am I.”

  “So, what were you doing in there just now?” I asked.

  “Bringing Letizia dinner. The men, of course, had already eaten but neglected to feed her, so I insisted that I be allowed to bring her something. They said no, but I brought her food anyway.”

  “I appreciate your kindness, and I’m sure my sister does as well,” Babs said.

  “Oh, she’s your sister. I’m so sorry,” Sarra responded.

  “Yes, my little sister.”

  “Then you’re obviously a good older brother if you’re here to rescue her.”

  “Well, I will be once we take care of these assholes and set her free,” Babs said.

  “Speaking of which—how many men are inside?” I asked.

  “Two.”

  “Only two? Where the hell is everyone else?”

  “Well, I believe there is at least one here in the compound and another on the street, though I suppose you’ve likely already encountered them.”

  “Yeah, we took care of both, but where are all the others?”

  “The rest left a little while ago.”

  “Why haven’t you called the police?”

  “Because they said they would kill my brother if I alerted the authorities.”

  “Nice guests.”

  “Indeed.”

  “Alrighty then, where exactly are they holding Letizia?”

  “In the bedroom in the back, but the two men guarding her are in the living room just inside that door, though they are fairly distracted as they are watching television.”

  “Thanks, Sarra, that’s some very useful information. Now, you should probably get behind some trees and stay low in case there’s any shooting. We’ll tell you when it’s clear.”

  Sarra moved off a safe distance to wait while the three of us formed up around the door.

  “Just like the old days, eh Corn,” I said.

  “Yeah, except I’m fat, you’re oversexed, and the third member of our ménage à trois is French.”

  “True. I’d be a little more at ease if we were taking down a buffet or a wine bar.”

  Babs cleared his throat to get our attention.

  “If you two hens are done clucking, I’d really like to rescue my sister.”

  “Keep your yellow pants on. First, we need to form a plan.”

  “Oh—like tag and bag?” Babs asked, sarcastically.

  “Yeah, but this time we’re going to take it up a notch. Now, I figure they’re obviously not expecting company, so we should be able to just storm in and lay down some overwhelming force, and, if we’re lucky, we might not even have to fire a shot."

  “You really think you can go a full day without shooting someone?” Babs asked.

  “I guess we’ll find out. OK, on three, I go straight up the middle. Corn, you cover the left and Babs take the right. And remember—don’t shoot each other.”

  A door breach was a tricky maneuver, and its success depended upon the training of the team and their ability to work as a cohesive unit. I’d done it plenty of times and even had the pleasure of doing it with both Delta and Seal Team Six. When those guys went through a door, everyone had a specific purpose, the main one being to kill the bad guys and rescue any good guys. The first man had the hardest job, however, because he had to blow the door while his team waited eagerly in line behind him. His first obstacle was, therefore, the adrenaline and spirit of his teammates. There was a natural tendency to push, which meant the guy at the door had to literally push back against his entire team in order to keep his body away from the blast, as its concussive force would easily be enough to daze or knock out an average person. After the door went, the team would power through with deadly precision and anyone inside would face a world of hurt.

  Our situation was a little different, however, as we hadn’t been regularly training together, and we weren’t blowing the door, which usually served as an excellent psychological inroad to startle the enemy and send them into disarray. Quite to the contrary, we would be going in cold with probably nothing more explosive than a potential nervous fart from one of our teammates—most likely Corn. I took a breath, counted to three, then we opened the door and moved swiftly into the living room, everyone fanning out exactly as planned. The two tangos were on the couch, staring dumbly at the television, and we took them completely by surprise. The closest guy started to reach for his gun but placing my HK 94 against his forehead was more than enough to make him pause for thought. With Corn and Babs’s help, we took both him and his fellow tango to the ground, secured their hands and feet with duct tape, then headed for the back bedroom to get Letizia. I opened the door and moved inside but paused when I saw that the room was empty. As I wondered where in the hell she might be, I was knocked to the ground by a forceful blow to the back of my head. Worried I had underestimated our enemy, I rolled onto my back and brou
ght my weapon up to fire, but, there, to my surprise, was Letizia, and she was looking particularly guilty as she stood there holding a little bronze statue in her right hand.

  “Oh my God, Tag! I’m so sorry, I thought you were one of them.”

  “Excuse me, but are any of them wearing grey wetsuits?”

  “No,” she said, sheepishly.

  I shakily got to my feet, and she raced over and wrapped her arms around me and held me so tightly that I found it hard to breathe.

  “I knew you would come.”

  “Of course, I’ve come at least twice since we met.”

  She ignored my joke and continued to hold me until eventually moving on to hug Babs. With our reunion complete, we all moved into the living room, and Corn walked to the front door and told Sarra that everything was clear. She came inside and looked relieved as she took in the scene.

  “Thank God everyone is OK!” she said.

  Corn, Babs, and I all stared in rapt attention at the woman who I had mistakenly groped in the darkness, for, now that she was in the light, we could see that she was strikingly beautiful with long dark hair, deep brown eyes and the smoothest olive skin I had ever seen.

  “What is it? Why are you all staring at me?” she asked.

  “Um…” Corn said, his voice trailing off as he stared dumbly, apparently unable to utter a single word.

  “Don’t mind Corn. He stares at filet mignon the same way.”

  “Excuse me?” she said.

  “My friend here is joking—you see, outside in the dark, none of us had any idea how beautiful you were,” Babs said, laying on his French charm.

  “Well—thank you,” she said, sounding a little embarrassed at his compliment.

  “You’re very welcome,” he said.

  She noticed the two terrorists lying on the floor.

  “Wow, that was fast,” she said.

  “It all comes down to training and experience.”

  “Or, in Finn’s case, a shitload of luck,” Babs added.

  “Yeah, and I suppose it was luck that allowed me to defeat your entire Soft Taco Island security force.”

  “Pretty much.”