In the Garden of Discontent

by Lily White

  Rolling my head over the pillow, I stared out my window at the amber light shining in Noah’s room.

  Knowing he was waiting for me was the best feeling in the world. I imagined it’s what all those people felt like in the cheesy commercials on TV, the ones where they laugh and smile to see family as they come home from some chaotic day at work. There would always be something in the oven or coffee in a cup. The same theme over and over again with the only difference being whatever product they wanted to sell.

  Still, they had someone waiting for them.

  Like me.

  I was also worried.

  After leaving school, I wondered if anybody had seen or heard what happened in the bathroom. I planned to lie to Noah if word got out. It would hurt him to think I was doing something like that, but it was better than the truth.

  Noah had a hair trigger when it came to me. I wouldn’t let my stupidity be the thing to set it off.

  The little ones were snoring finally. I pushed up from the bed to creep across the room and open the window. I climbed out and ran across our two yards, happy to shove Noah’s window up and crawl into his bedroom. He was sitting on his bed, shirt off with only sweatpants, an arm folded under his head.

  I shut his window and walked to his alarm to make sure it was set for seven.

  Sitting cross-legged on the foot of his bed, I stared across at him and noticed the bulge of muscle he was starting to build from basketball.

  “Hey.”

  Noah’s eyes slid my direction, only one corner of lip curling up to see me. “Hey.”

  Next to Noah, several books were opened on the mattress, a binder next to them with sentences scribbled over notebook paper. He looked exhausted from studying.

  Determined to keep straight A’s, Noah was killing himself between schoolwork, weight training and basketball practice for the upcoming winter season. The rest of the team still had a few weeks left to go before they started practice, but Coach Henderson had taken Noah under his wing for extra help. He thought he had a star in Noah. I agreed with him.

  “Tired?”

  “Yeah,” he mumbled, another weak smile lifting his lips. “School is kicking my ass.”

  “I’m sorry.” And I was, just not for what school was doing to him. More for what I had done.

  He shrugged a broad shoulder, the muscles rolling beneath his golden skin.

  “This is what happens when you try to dig your way out, I guess.”

  “Dig your way out of what?”

  Noah scrubbed a hand down his face, blue eyes pinning me where I sat.

  “Come here, Ens.”

  He shoved the books off the side of the bed and spread out his arm for me to snuggle beside him. We did this every night. On his bed or on the couch while watching TV. It didn’t matter where we were; I always fit so perfectly by his side.

  I curled up on his arm, a sigh escaping when he wrapped it around me to tug my body closer.

  There was silence between us, but not the awkward kind. Noah and I never felt the need to fill every minute with words just for the sake of it.

  Our hearts beat in time with one another, a steady thump that I would listen to with my ear against his chest. He smelled like the forest after it stormed, the leaves opening as the dirt became loose underfoot. But there was always the scent of soap. The boy showered more than anybody I knew, but I guess that was a good thing. It was better than him stinking to high heaven.

  “I didn’t see you at lunch today.”

  Crap. After everything that happened, I hadn’t thought about how I would explain not being there. Noah and I always ate lunch together beneath a small tree set apart from the others. Every day he packed extra, just for me.

  Years ago, Noah’s mom had finally wised up to the fact she was feeding two kids instead of one. While my mother would have lost her shit and screamed about where the money would come from, Ms. Carter simply asked what my favorite foods were. They appeared the next time she went shopping, and every time after that. Noah was always sure to pack them for my lunch.

  Lying to Noah wasn’t easy. The boy had x-ray vision when it came to me and could read every one of my thoughts as if they were carved into my bones and burned into my muscle. In this, I had to hide the truth, had to find a way to keep him from knowing what happened at school.

  I had to protect him.

  But then he spoke again, and I realized I wouldn’t have to make up a lie. The news around school had spread. It was wrong, as was typical with high schools, but it had spread like wildfire, never to be contained.

  “What does Kyle have that I don’t?”

  I closed my eyes. This question was easy because the answer wouldn’t be a lie.

  “Nothing. The guy isn’t even worth standing in your shadow. He’s nobody and you’re-“

  “Somebody you don’t want.”

  He wasn’t supposed to think that.

  Not Noah.

  Not when he was the center of my universe. My absolute everything.

  Opening my eyes, I crawled over him to straddle his stomach, my palms pressing down on the hard muscle of his chest.

  “That’s not true.”

  Except it was. But not for the reasons he thought.

  His fingers slid up the sides of my thighs, stopping at the bottom hem of my shorts.

  “I kissed you once, and you tore out of this house like you couldn’t get out fast enough.”

  Those fingers clamped down, and I jumped.

  “But then you fuck three guys in a school bathroom?”

  “I didn’t have sex with them.”

  “Only because the coach walked in before you had the chance. What the fuck, Ensley?”

  The anger in his voice scared me, the dejected look in his eyes tearing my soul from my body. Somebody could have split my skin and reached in to grab my heart and it wouldn’t hurt more than this did.

  The truth sat like a boulder between us.

  Anything.

  I would have given anything to tell him that he had nothing to worry about, that I hadn’t wanted those guys to touch me.

  But that truth was also a bomb just ticktickticking away, begging to explode.

  One word from me and Noah would throw it all away to fight every single one of those assholes. He would also give up anything, but he had more to lose.

  Still, I was desperate to wipe that look off his face, to run my fingers over the skin creased between his eyes and smooth it away.

  Damn desperation and what it does to a person. It makes you stupid. It makes decisions for you, regardless of whether they are good ideas or bad.

  But bad idea or not, I leaned down anyway, desperation taking hold of me as I palmed his cheeks and pressed my mouth to his. His body went rigid beneath me, and he tried to pull away.

  I held on like he would leave forever if I let him go.

  Held on like he was the only lifeline left to me before I went tumbling over a cliff into darkness.

  I held on...and eventually his mouth opened, his tongue pushing out to dance with mine.

  Stupidity had never tasted so sweet.

  “Ens, are you sure?”

  He whispered against my lips when we had to break that kiss to breathe. Blue eyes met mine, questions dancing behind them. Excitement. Relief. Hope. All emotions he shouldn’t be feeling because I wasn’t sure. Not about this.

  “I’m sure.”

  Noah rolled us both over so fast that a squeal flew past my lips. Laying over me, he nudged my legs apart to position himself between them, his hands cradling my face like he was staring at a priceless work of art.

  I wondered if he really believed this was what I wanted, or if, for the first time, Noah knew I was lying and pretended he didn’t just because he was as desperate as me. Not for a girl’s attention, he had plenty of that. But for my attention.

  The late one.

  The poor one.

  The hopeless one.

  I thought of all those names in my official
school records and added the slutty one.

  But he still wanted me.

  Poor little Ensley Bennett, the girl who would never amount to much.

  Kissing me again, Noah slipped a hand under my shirt, his movements becoming rushed and jagged, his breathing speeding up so fast that he stole my air in the process.

  I couldn’t think when hesitant hands explored me, nervous fingers cupping the weight of my breast like I was made of paper and he would tear a hole in me if he used too much pressure.

  Most likely, he was expecting I would shove him aside and run. It’s what I wanted to do. Noah could read me, and he knew that, but still he kept going, kept exploring, kept kissing me.

  Eventually that hesitation shifted. I felt it the second it happened, knew him as well as he knew me. Noah’s hand gripped the hem of my shirt and he pulled it up to tug over my head, and I lifted my arms to let him.

  He pulled the straps of my bra off my shoulders next, and once my tits were free, air crashing against the skin until they were tight, he just stared.

  Like he had never seen something so beautiful.

  Like he would never see it again.

  Noah stared. And I thought maybe this was the way it was supposed to happen. It made sense; I belonged to him, always had and always would.

  “Are you sure?”

  I nodded my head in answer to his question, not sure of anything except the fact that I loved this boy more than anything. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I would be the poison that would destroy him eventually.

  When he smiled, that thought rushed from my head, and I was filled with a sense of happiness because his smile was contagious. It was bright and honest like the rising sun, as comforting as the first gust of cool air following a brutal summer.

  I was sure I could trust him.

  Sure I could love him.

  But not sure I wouldn’t hurt him in the end.

  Balanced on one arm, Noah dragged a fingertip down my body to the top of my shorts, his eyes meeting mine in question. I nodded again, swallowed, wasn’t sure of anything, but I wouldn’t stop him.

  This is what he wanted, and that’s all that could matter. Because he was more special than Kyle.

  He was beautiful too. So beautiful that every girl in school wanted him, but he brushed them all off, every day, not even looking in their direction when I was nearby.

  I wanted that to make me special. I wanted to grab on to that feeling and never let go, wanted it emblazoned on my school record: Ensley Bennett, the special one.

  Tugging the button loose, Noah shoved my shorts down my legs, eventually reaching back up to peel off my panties, and when he finally had me naked, he stopped to look at a girl he’d chased into the woods when he was ten (almost eleven).

  The girl he’d slept next to for five long years.

  The girl next door.

  Me.

  Then he touched me. There. In that place. And I could see from the sweat pants he was wearing that just that touch had been enough. Noah wanted everything now that his entire body was sore and throbbing.

  He pushed off his pants and underwear and moved to lie on top of me. This was the first time for both of us, and I thought we should be careful, that we were forgetting something other people would have known to do, but I couldn’t hold on to any one thought, not when he asked me one more time, “You’re sure?”

  “Go ahead,” I answered, not lying or telling the truth, merely giving him permission.

  So, he did.

  And it hurt.

  Not so bad that I cried or anything, just enough that it was uncomfortable, but I bit my lip and wrapped my arms over his shoulders and let him do what he needed to do.

  It was Noah.

  My best friend.

  My everything.

  He could do whatever he wanted.

  It didn’t last long. Within a few uncoordinated minutes, he jerked away, something hot and sticky on my leg that made his eyes get real big. He mumbled an apology and was pushing up to leave the bed when several thuds against his window dragged our attention that way.

  We both went still as statues to see my mom standing outside with her light blond hair and white silk robe making her appear like a ghost beneath the moonlight.

  Anger wrinkled her brow, her mouth pulled into taut line, and she pointed at me then to my house before shouting through the glass Get your ass home!

  She walked away as Noah and I looked at each other, frightened.

  Needless to say, I didn’t want to go back home, but there was no telling what my mom would do if I didn’t.

  We rushed to get cleaned up and dressed, and I climbed out his window to run across the yard, my breath held each step of the way, partly because I was sore and partly because I was scared shitless.

  Mom was waiting for me in the kids’ room when I climbed inside, and she pointed for me to go in the living room so we wouldn’t wake the kids.

  Like a beaten dog, I walked out there, my head bowed and my shoulders hunched forward. She didn’t say a word until we were far enough away that the kids wouldn’t hear us, but then she grabbed my ear so hard, the skin tore a little, her boyfriend sitting on the couch staring over at us.

  “Three boys this morning and another tonight? My, haven’t you become the little town slut, Ensley? Are there any others I should know about?”

  Tears slipped free of my eyes, and I shook my head, despite how her hold on me ripped the skin near my ear more. She smacked me upside the head so hard that I dropped to the floor, my knees burning on the dirty carpet.

  “You know what you need?” she said above me. “The punishment you’ve had coming for the last five years. Little girls shouldn’t be spreading their legs for little boys. Isn’t that right, Richard?”

  I lifted my head to stare at her newest boyfriend through my hair and he just glared down at me with a weird look in his eyes before nodding. The asshole with his balding head and round belly obviously thought he had a right to agree with her.

  Fuck that guy! He wasn’t my dad. His opinion meant nothing to me.

  “Go to the shed, Ensley.”

  “Mom,” I whispered and shook my head, “please, no.”

  She leaned over me, her robe open enough that I could see her boobs swing free.

  “Do you want your brothers and sisters to wake up and come out to watch this? Do you want to see them cry?”

  I shook my head, defeated. Those three didn’t need that kind of nightmare to live through. They would die if anything happened to me.

  “No.”

  “Then go.”

  With tears in my eyes, I pushed up on one foot and then the other, marching my way toward the shed where Mom would inflict the worst of her punishments.

  Opening the door, I cringed at the way it squeaked, my nose wrinkling at the smell of cat piss that never could be scrubbed from the floor. Taking a position only Mom and I knew about, I waited for her to walk in behind me to buckle my hands into the straps, my ass pushed out and body tense, waiting for what I knew would come next.

  This was my secret.

  One nobody knew about.

  Not even Noah.

  When the first slap of the leather belt hit the backs of my legs, I buckled but knew better than to stay down. I pushed back up and waited for the next one and the next and the next.

  My mother stood behind me talking about how little girls should behave better, how they should be proper and mindful, how they should listen to their parents. She went on about how I was such a slut, that I should earn my keep now since I wanted to act like an adult. And the entire time that belt kept striking me until I could feel welts popping up on my legs, my butt, my back, the edges seeping blood that ran down hot and thick.

  I bit my lip and drew more blood because I didn’t want to scream. Didn’t want Noah to be able to hear us through the thin walls that faced his house.

  I had to protect him.

  Had to keep him safe.

  No mat
ter what.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Noah

  September 17, 1996

  First and second period in school sucked.

  I couldn’t sleep all night after Ensley got dragged from my house by her mom, couldn’t stay still for longer than five minutes.

  Several times, I’d rushed out my door to go knock on hers or check Ensley’s porch to see if I would find her, but I worried that I would only get her in more trouble if I woke the kids or walked in there to kill her mother.

  I could barely force myself to walk to the bus stop, my eyes staring at her house as I stormed by. And once I got to school, I went to class knowing she would be late as usual, but then remembered she was suspended for five days.

  My teeth were clenched all of first period, so hard that by the time the bell rang, my jaw was locked in place. I hadn’t heard a single word the teacher said, and I barely said a word to any of my friends.

  Walking into second period, I dropped into my seat and watched as Jennifer McMann strolled up, a cheerleader and all around drama queen that had every guy wrapped around her finger like she was a precious diamond or some shit.

  Despite who she was dating at the time, she always had a thing for me, making that fact abundantly clear with the way she flirted constantly.

  She took the seat in front of me, spun around and flipped her blond hair from her shoulder. Glossed lips pulled up at the corners as blue eyes stared my direction. Jennifer reminded me of Ensley’s mother in a way: really pretty but her veins were filled with poison.

  “Hey, Noah. Heard about Ensley and those three guys. Is she okay?”

  Don’t talk about her...

  I grit my teeth and protected my best friend like usual.

  “She’s fine. Why wouldn’t she be?”

  Jennifer shrugged a thin shoulder and flipped her hair again.

  “Because she got caught and suspended. The whole school is talking about how she was taking it up the ass, or at least willing to if Coach Henderson hadn’t walked in.”

  I lunged forward, ready to slam her head against my desk, but stopped myself because - one - I don’t hit women, and - two - Kyle was the asshole who needed a beat down for the shit he started with Ens.