by Chris McHart
“That sounds interesting,” said D. “So more in the bodyguard direction?”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“If you want me to help you out, just let me know.”
Anthony looked at his brother. D hadn’t worked in the field for quite some time, and he wasn’t single anymore.
“Thank you. But you have a family to think about, and I won’t put you in any danger, no matter how small. Working as Luis’s bodyguard is one thing, but anything else is too dangerous. Ash and the kids need you. You definitely shouldn’t be out there.”
“You’re right. I would never do anything to jeopardize that. We even talked about me giving up my job altogether.”
Anthony was playing with the bottle. “And then do what?”
D blushed a little. “I wouldn’t have to work, to be honest. Ash has a lot of money, so we could both stay at home and take care of the kids. My only problem is that I’m afraid for our relationship if we’re both at home all the time. And we’d probably get bored to death someday. Ash has his education, I have my work, and that keeps us both happy and healthy. But still, the subject came up, especially because Ash wants to pursue his witchcraft.”
“Yes, I can understand that.” Anthony didn’t want to stay at home either. He could afford not to do anything for a few years, but it didn’t sound tempting. He needed work, and his cat needed the hunt. It was in his blood, and he wouldn’t let the thrill of the hunt be taken from him.
He had time to figure it out. He’d given himself a few weeks off before he’d take on new cases, and by then he’d have hopefully figured out what he wanted to do.
“To come back to the subject of that last mission… I still feel like you need help before it gets too much for you.” D drank from his soda, but his eyes didn’t leave Anthony for a second.
Anthony felt like a beetle under the microscope, examined and dissected until nothing was left. “I don’t think so.” He started playing with the label on his bottle again. His back was straight, his shoulders tight, and he didn’t even dare look away. It might give his brother the wrong impression of his state of mind, even if he was well, really well. It would only take him a few days to process what had happened.
“If you say so. You know I don’t want to upset you if you’re really fine, but right now I doubt it. You can call me anytime you want.”
“I know, thank you.” Like he’d ever do that.
“So if you’re staying here now, will this thing with Josh be more serious?”
“What?” Anthony sat up straighter. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I thought maybe you and Josh’s relationship would…”
Relationship? Seriously?
He drank his beer and tried to find another answer than when Hell freezes over. It took a moment, but then he said, “I don’t think I’ll ever settle down, to be honest.”
“What do you mean? Didn’t you and Josh get closer? I thought there was something between you two.”
“Yes, we are, but we’re friends. I mean, as often as we all meet, it’s impossible not to be friends.”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” D glared at him.
He shuddered at the thought of being so close to someone and having a relationship with him. It was much too dangerous.
“I could’ve sworn there was more to it than that. I see how much time you spend with him, and when you’re gone, he misses you.”
Anthony played with the bottle again, rolled his head from one side to the other, and stretched his neck. He didn’t know what to say. If Josh saw more in them than he did, he’d have to end it. He wouldn’t hurt Josh, and if Josh got too attached, it’d only hurt him more in the end.
They’d never been more than fuck buddies who met when Anthony was home. He always assumed Josh wanted the same thing, something to relieve some tension. Yeah, they got along fine, but love? No. He didn’t even want to think about it, and Josh also never indicated he wanted anything close to a relationship.
But would his brother, who’d fallen head over heels in love when he got his first look at Ash, understand that? Anthony doubted it. “No, I’m not planning on having a relationship. I’m just not the kind of man you want around forever. And–“
“And what? What makes you think you’re not a man anyone would want around?”
The look on D’s face would’ve been funny if he didn’t look so damn serious at the same time.
“I… don’t know.” But he knew. He knew very well. He’d seen his father abuse their mother. He wouldn’t risk becoming the same man. It all began with the roses, but then it ended in fights and blows. Before he risked it, he’d rather not have a relationship. He’d never raise his hand against his mate, but he wouldn’t even risk it happening. “You know our father…”
“Wait a minute. Slow down. Let me get this straight. You don’t want a relationship because you’re afraid you’re gonna end up like our father?” D sounded like he couldn’t believe what he’d heard.
Anthony straightened his shoulders and looked his brother in the eye. “I see similarities between us. I’m too dominant and too aggressive, to put it lightly. I saw what he was like when we were growing up – and I see myself. I also saw how his relationship with our mother has changed over time. I don’t want to do this to anyone.” It was his mantra. He couldn’t do that to anyone.
“You do realize it was allowed back then? That doesn’t make it right, but it was accepted and expected.”
“But he didn’t have to. He didn’t have to hit us. He didn’t have to hit Mom. He didn’t have to treat the pack members the way he did. Don’t you see? He did it. He chose to be like that, or he was born like that. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. I’ll just never risk keeping anyone trapped in that kind of relationship.” He’d almost been mated before. He remembered the fear of not being allowed to choose his mate, the anger, the pain. Then trapping someone else in this kind of a relationship, in a mating where they weren’t safe? No way.
“You’re really afraid to become a man like our father? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously, how the hell did you even come up with the idea?” D didn’t seem to understand.
Anthony didn’t have the patience to explain right now.
Apparently, D wasn’t done, though. “You know you’re full of crap, don’t you? I’ve known you all my life, and you’ve never shown anything like our father’s behavior. He was an asshole. He probably still is one, plain and simple, but you’re not. You’re a good man. I don’t know why you think you’re like him, but I can assure you you’re different. You’re a really good guy.” D paused and looked at the TV for a moment. “It hurts to think you’ll stay alone just because you think you’re not worth being mated to. Even if it isn’t Josh, there may be someone else you can settle down with.” He sounded very serious, more serious than he normally was. His little brother was worried about him. It was nice, but unnecessary.
Anthony lived his life the way he wanted, and although recent events still haunted him, he was fine. He’d deal with it, get over it, then go back to work. His life would be just the way he liked it. He’d meet Josh to fuck him whenever they both wanted until Josh found someone else. Then he’d move on and find a new guy. That was how he wanted to live.
“I really appreciate your concern, but it’s unnecessary. Not everyone will be as happy as you are with Ash. And I also didn’t miss the fact that he’s much more dominant and powerful than you, so you’ll never have the same fear as I do. I doubt he’d let you get away with anything.”
“Apart from the fact that I’d never raise my hand against my mate because I love him more than my own life, you’re right. I’m not really sure who’s more dominant. He has his powers, but I’m stronger and come from an alpha family. In our case, however, it doesn’t matter. We love each other. We respect each other. And I’d rather hurt myself than him.” His love was clear in every word he spoke about Ash. He’d gotten one look at him ages ago w
hen they’d saved Alex, and he’d apparently known this was the man he wanted to spend his life with. He’d succeeded.
D fell silent, lost in his own thoughts.
Anthony did the same, playing with the condensation of his bottle and pulling off the label, putting it back on the cool glass then pulling it off again. He didn’t know what to say, because everything sounded wrong. He knew he wasn’t the man D thought he was. He didn’t know how close Anthony was sometimes to losing his temper.
Finally he got up, getting them two new drinks from the fridge. “I think we have different opinions about that.”
D took the bottle, but he didn’t open it. Anthony hadn’t planned on speaking about a mating, but he hadn’t expected his brother to assume he’d settle down with a man. The plan to spend time with his brother and simply forget everything haunting him hadn’t worked out. But he’d gotten a bottle of whiskey earlier. That would help. Whiskey always helped.
“I really don’t know what to say. I wish I had some advice for you. I think you’d be a great partner for some lucky guy, but as long as you don’t see yourself that way, there’s nothing I can do.”
“No, you can’t do anything. It’s nice of you to worry, but I’m fine. I’m really fine.”
Yes, having a partner would be nice, but on the other hand, it was a lot of work, something he didn’t need. As long as he was alone, he only had to take care of one person, and that was him. If he added a second person, it would quickly get messy. At the moment he had no one to ask when he’d be home, if he came home at all and so on.
It was just easier.
When his brother finally left, Anthony took the bottle of whiskey he’d bought and went to work. The cheap stuff burned as it ran down his throat, but at least it took off the hard edges. After talking to D, the pain was even more prominent. He was breaking apart. He’d explode, lose what was left of his mind, then he’d be even more broken.
Why this time? Why this job?
He didn’t know, but he knew he had to deal with it. It’d never been a problem. He’d always gotten through it. This wasn’t the first man they’d lost, and maybe it wouldn’t be the last, although he’d been serious when he’d said he wanted to retire.
His time as a tracker was over. He needed something new.
How the hell had he reached the point where he was so fucking lost? He’d had everything under control.
“Damn it!” He was so sick of this shit. Another sip, then he drank deeply. This had to stop, these thoughts, these images. They were driving him crazy.
He put his feet back on the coffee table, closed his eyes, and relaxed on the couch. It took forever until, thank fuck, he felt a little better. Even though his head was spinning and seeing clearly wasn’t that easy, he had his feelings under control.
Finally, he managed to get up. Now came the part he hated and loved at the same time. Loved, because it made everything stop for a while, hated because… well, it came with a price.
Stumbling against the wall, he made his way into the bedroom.
Not bothering with gloves, he started hitting the punching bag right away.
Right, left, right, right.
Until his arms hurt, his knuckles were red and raw, and blood ran over his hands. Until he couldn’t breathe anymore, until his lungs screamed for oxygen. Until it didn’t hurt any more.
That was his solution, what he needed, and it worked pretty well. No matter what he saw, he didn’t need therapy or anything.
Finally, when he couldn’t stay upright anymore, he slid down the wall and landed on his ass. Why? Why the hell?
Chapter 3
Josh
* * *
Not even half an hour had passed since the last interruption before the office door opened again. Josh sighed and looked up from the letter he’d been reading. Some other circle had questions regarding the use of funds. It was about as exciting as the phone book, and Josh might’ve been secretly happy about the interruption.
In front of him stood Ash, a slightly annoyed expression on his face.
“Hi. What’s up?”
“Did you forget to check the time again?”
Oops. “Um, yeah. I’m sorry. I guess I’m late again?”
Ash just nodded. “You didn’t notice that you should’ve been off long ago?”
Josh shook his head. “I’m sorry. I was kind of…”
“It’s okay. It’s not like it’s the first time, and at least I know where to find you if you forget me again.”
Josh averted his eyes. He had actually forgotten Ash. They’d agreed to take the children to the playground, but somehow… He’d lost track of time, like he’d done a few times already. Usually, he set an alarm, but today, he’d wanted to leave earlier. That hadn’t worked out so well.
“Let me just put this away. I can’t leave it lying around in the open. Then I’m ready.”
“I stopped at the bakery. Did you have a lunch break today?”
Josh froze in the middle of his movement. Did he have lunch today? Damn, Ash caught him every time. “I don’t think so. There was so much to do, and Gerome had a meeting and then …”
“Did you just forget? What are we gonna do with you? You can’t keep forgetting to take a break. That’s unhealthy, and you can’t help Gerome if you get sick or burned out.”
Josh locked the closet and shoved the key into his pocket. “I know. But I just forget sometimes.”
“I’ve got something for you. Are you ready?”
“Yeah, we can leave. Is D coming too?” Josh asked.
“I think so. He was going to ask Luis if he wanted to come to the playground, but I don’t know what they worked out. If Luis doesn’t need him anymore, he’ll come with us. If he does, it’s just you and me. Though, it’d be nice if Luis would come, too. Then at least the kids can play with someone else.”
“I don’t think Luis is going to come to the playground today.” Not if Gerome found the guts to tell him the news.
“Why’s that?”
“I won’t say anything specific because I don’t want to gossip. Just… Gerome might’ve told him something he really didn’t want to hear. Gerome came to my office earlier because he wanted to talk to me about it first. He didn’t know how to tell Luis.”
“Then Gerome either wants another child or the king is resigning.”
He should’ve known Ash wouldn’t miss anything. Damn it.
“I don’t know anything about the former, but the latter could be a possibility.”
“I was afraid of it. When I came in here, I sensed strange vibrations. At least that explains it. But well, the two of them will sort it out. I don’t think there’s anything that can break them apart.”
Josh took his bag and hung it over his shoulder. “That’s what I told Gerome. But he was still worried.”
“The fact that the two won’t break apart doesn’t mean Luis will take it well.” Ash opened the door to let Josh go out in front of him. “But that’s none of our business either. You’re absolutely right. We don’t have to do anything until the two of them really can’t resolve their differences alone.”
“And I hope that’s not gonna happen.”
They made their way to the playground. D came with them, but without Luis, just as Josh had predicted.
D and Ash walked hand in hand, casting glances full of love at each other. It was almost strange to see his best friend so much in love after he’d been so badly abused for such a long time. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was Ash.
Josh was happy for him. The last few years had changed a lot of things, and the broken Ash had become a joyful, happy man who loved his partner more than anything. He’d do anything for D, just like D would for him.
Even D seemed to be in a better mood than usual. Not that it was usually bad, but today, something was different.
The twins ran ahead, only to be called back by Ash and D so they wouldn’t get lost. They were really sweet and cute and easy to love, but they we
re also incredibly exhausting. Josh watched them from time to time when Ash and D wanted time for themselves, but he was usually happy when the two little devils were in bed. They managed to create chaos faster than he could catch them, and they seemed to be everywhere at the same time.
On the playground, the two monsters immediately disappeared into the sandpit, while Josh, Ash, and D got comfortable on a bench.
Ash unpacked a sandwich and gave it to Josh, who accepted it gratefully. By now, his stomach was growling and reminding him loudly that coffee was not enough sustenance for the whole day.
“Thank you. I think I really need to set myself an alarm so I don’t always forget my break.”
“I think so, too.”
“Why does he get something and I don’t?” D mumbled from the other side.
“Because you had lunch today?”
“And?”
“And? Josh didn’t eat anything, so I got him something. You’re not telling me that–“
Josh and Ash laughed when they saw the look on D’s face. Yeah, he wanted something too. Ash sighed exaggeratedly, reached into his backpack and pulled out another bag.
“You fall for that every time.” D grinned and took the bag. “I knew it was the right decision to be with you.” He kissed Ash on the lips then opened his bag.
“Good to know your priorities.” Ash laughed and put his hand on D’s thigh.
“Might have other reasons too, but you’re feeding me. What more could I want?”
“Which other reasons?”
Josh pulled his water bottle out of his bag and drank deeply.
“Maybe the fact that you make such great babies?”
“You don’t even know what they’re gonna be like. You can still only talk about the ones we already have.”
Josh swallowed. Water rushed into his windpipe, and he coughed violently. Did he hear that right? Had they just talked about what he thought they had? He coughed, but the water was stubborn. It took some time until he could breathe again and his eyes stopped watering.
Josh stared at his best friend and his partner. “Did you mean what you said?” The two beaming smiles were answer enough. He groaned. “Seriously? You did it again?”
