A Trick of the Light

by Ali Carter

  Wow, an apology, he has grown up.

  I gave him a sad smile.

  ‘I kind of get the feeling I’ve hurt you.’ He looked pathetic. ‘But I don’t know why.’

  ‘You don’t know why?’ I was furious.

  ‘No. I sent you a text the other night, and as you didn’t reply I thought we were all cool.’

  ‘Well, we’re not.’ I now regretted deleting his message. From here on in I’m going to have to improvise.

  ‘How can I have done something wrong?’ he pleaded. ‘We haven’t seen each other for ages.’

  Tears began welling up inside me. There are so many things he’s done wrong. He hasn’t written to me; he hasn’t been in touch; he hasn’t apologised for leading me down the garden path; and to top it off he’s come here tonight.

  ‘Yowch,’ came Lianne’s cry and without answering Toby I rushed to the door. She was sprawled on the floor, her halter-neck dress struggling to keep her bosoms in check, and as I stretched out an arm, Shane found the whole thing highly amusing.

  ‘Lianne,’ said Zoe from the opposite side of the room, ‘are you okay?’

  ‘Yeah, thanks.’ She got up and slapped Shane on the cheek.

  ‘Time for more dancing,’ said Fergus and I caught Louis’ eye. But, at the very same time, Toby prodded my back and held out his right hand.

  ‘No,’ said Louis, striding towards us. ‘I’ve booked Susie for this one.’ He squeezed my shoulders and kissed me on the forehead. Crumbs, I kind of wanted to tell po-faced Toby there was nothing serious going on, but a large part of me loved that he was jealous.

  Davy announced it would be Dashing White Sergeant, and I felt physically sick. ‘You’ll need to be in threes for this one,’ he explained, ‘two gentlemen and a lady, or two ladies and a gentleman.’

  ‘Great,’ said Toby with a huge grin. ‘Shall we?’

  ‘Sure,’ said Louis, rising to the challenge.

  Holding hands, me sandwiched between the two of them, the three of us walked into the centre of the room.

  ‘What fun to have a threesome,’ said Felicity, who was standing in-between Rupert and Giles.

  Toby squeezed my hand and I pretended not to get the joke.

  Dashing White Sergeant went on, and on, and on. I could not wait for our ménage à trois to break up. And when Davy finally decided to call it a day and his children’s exhausted right arms dropped to their sides, I broke away without saying thanks.

  I was headed straight for a seat against the wall but blooming Toby was on my tail and together we sat down side by side.

  ‘I don’t think you should trust that man,’ he said.

  ‘Louis?’

  ‘Yes, he seems to like you.’

  ‘Nah, he’s just a flirt.’

  ‘Exactly, he’ll hurt you.’

  How dare Toby dole out dating advice. I didn’t even look at him let alone respond. What an arrogant so and so he is.

  ‘You were talking about Landseer?’ he said. ‘His pictures go for a fortune in Canada.’

  ‘Do they?’

  ‘Yes, popular with Canucks who claim they have Celtic roots. They’d buy anything to bolster their Scottish credentials.’

  ‘But they’d have to have the money to buy Landseer, and anyway the Muchtons never sell their paintings,’ I grunted, though my mind was whirling with the idea a Muchton ancestor could have sold two originals to a Canadian.

  ‘I respect that. There must be a lot of family history wrapped up in the collection and you know how I like family history,’ Toby smiled.

  It annoyed me he’d referred to a conversation we’d had in the past. A conversation at a happy time. All memories with him were trashed in my mind. Toby had walked me down a happy path then dropped me into a lonely unhappy void. Anything we once shared together was now meaningless and made me feel sad.

  I stood up. ‘I’m tired. I’m going to bed.’

  ‘Well,’ he stood up too, ‘sleep tight. We must try and meet up again soon.’

  Oh my goodness, I wanted to scream my frustration at the top of my voice. Meet up? Soon? Is he joking?

  Toby held my shoulders and looked into my watery eyes. ‘I’ve missed you, Susie. Take care of yourself. I hope we can keep being friends.’

  Keep being friends. Who says we’re friends? Get out of my life.

  We kissed goodbye on both cheeks and I dashed upstairs before anyone caught my tears falling.

  Oh God, I wish I could control my emotions. They just love to explode inside me when things aren’t going my way and right now they’re at an all-time high.

  I haven’t cried like this for at least a month and look at me now, bundled up in bed bawling my eyes out. Seeing Toby sparked it, but now it’s the thought I might be flying solo forever. I don’t need my friends around me all the time, I very rarely chat to them on the phone, but I’ve always wanted to share my life with someone and I had really believed that someone would be Toby.

  I’m getting no further away from forty and I’m just as vulnerable as I always was. All my good intentions of abandoning the search for a long-term partner have gone out the window. I’m not suited to short-term flings. The truth is, I long to embark on a monogamous journey, say goodbye to the singles scene. I look forward to the security of a lifelong partner, the bond between two people and the opportunity it holds. Marriage for me is the only way out. I couldn’t co-habit or ‘go out’ with someone for a long time, my religion would rub up against that. But I’d also never sacrifice true love to tick a few boxes. I couldn’t get hitched to any old body, he’d have to be the one. But this idealistic view leaves me in a miserable place and I’ve only got myself to blame.

  I’m now riddled with downcast thoughts and it’s at times like this when I have to try extra hard not to lose my faith. One of the aggravating things about God is he doesn’t strike deals. I can’t bargain with him, say ‘I’ll never swear again’ in return for something I want. He’s tough like that. But if I desert him, omnipresent and all that, I really am alone. I must keep my faith however desperate life becomes.

  Knock, knock, came through my bedroom door… Don’t be Toby…

  Louis entered uninvited.

  ‘Please go away, I’m in bed.’

  He flicked on the overhead light.

  ‘Oi, get out.’ I pulled the duvet over my head.

  ‘Just wanted to say goodnight. Here, I’ll turn off the light.’ He bent down and turned on the sidelight instead. ‘Susie, what’s wrong?’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

  ‘Okay, that’s fine. Neither do I. It doesn’t look like it’d be much fun.’

  I popped my head out of the duvet.

  ‘Come on, sit up, let’s have a chat,’ Louis smiled. ‘In fact, I’m going to go get us a drink. Hang on a sec.’

  He left the room and I let out a huff. Grrr. I don’t want to see anyone right now. But I know he’s coming back, I have no control over that, so I get up to put on a jumper. While I’m at it, why not apply a bit of concealer too? I might as well try and make myself look nice.

  Louis breezed in the door and shut it behind him.

  ‘Here you go.’ He placed a whisky and soda on the side table, saying, ‘I’ll have it if you don’t.’

  He then kicked off his shoes and lay down on the other end of my bed. The mattress dipped and I actually quite liked the feeling of his legs pushed up against mine.

  I took a sip of whisky. ‘Thanks for this.’

  ‘I’m good at reading minds, aren’t I?’

  ‘And getting into girls’ beds.’

  He smiled and leant forwards to toast my glass. ‘Damn,’ he winced as he leant down on his bad arm.

  ‘How did you pull the muscle?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Yes you do. Don’t worry, I won’t think you’re a fool.’

  He raised his glass to his mouth and said nothing – the vanity.

  I waited for him to talk. I wasn’t in the mood
to volunteer conversation.

  ‘Where are you going after here?’ He felt for my foot under the duvet.

  ‘Home.’ I wriggled away.

  ‘Where’s that?’

  ‘East Sussex, just north of Brighton.’

  ‘Long way to go.’

  ‘Yeah, but I’d rather do it in a one-er – I need to get back and do some work.’

  ‘Painting?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Two landscape commissions for neighbours. It’s great, I don’t have to travel far. They both want the view of the Downs from their house.’

  ‘Nice job?’

  ‘I’m looking forward to it. I love painting in spring. Then I’ve got to visit a cat in Dorset, two donkeys in Devon and a terrier in Oxfordshire.’

  ‘No hamsters?’

  ‘Oi.’

  ‘What about Easter? Are you taking time off for that?’

  ‘Rubbish. I’d completely forgot it’s this Sunday,’ I said, struggling to believe I’d failed to keep track of Easter.

  ‘Well, it does tend to move around.’ Louis winked.

  ‘I told my parents I’d go to them.’

  ‘In Sussex?’

  ‘No, London.’

  He nudged into my leg. ‘Maybe we could meet up? I’m going there on Friday for a week.’

  ‘Really? I thought you lived in Paris?’

  ‘I live in London too. Where are your parents?’

  ‘Kennington.’

  ‘As in Lambeth?’

  ‘As in Lambeth.’

  ‘I’m in South Ken so we could meet there?’

  I kicked him. ‘That’s my home you’re talking about.’

  ‘Your home is Sussex. Will you see me in London? Please?’

  ‘Depends if my parents have plans.’

  ‘You’re right, I should check what my girlfriend’s up to.’

  ‘Girlfriend?’

  ‘It’s sort of on and off.’

  ‘You’re so naughty.’

  Louis shuffled his bottom up the bed. ‘Please kiss me.’

  I pushed him back as he leant towards me. ‘You’ve just told me you have a girlfriend.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘I couldn’t do that to her.’

  He whined and shuffled back down the bed. ‘You must live near Glyndebourne then. Do you ever go?’

  ‘If someone else is generous enough to take me. I love opera.’

  ‘Well, why don’t I take you to Covent Garden?’

  ‘On a date?’

  ‘Just two friends.’

  ‘Okay.’

  Girlfriend or not, this was too big a treat to turn down.

  Louis pulled his mobile out of his pocket. ‘Give me your number then?’

  I told him my number, adding, ‘Text me, don’t call me, please.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t like talking on the phone.’

  ‘Comme tu veux. Although, I kinda like how blunt you are.’

  ‘In that case, Louis,’ I yawned, ‘I really have to go to sleep.’

  ‘No problem, I’ll watch over you.’

  I kicked his bottom and he got off the bed.

  ‘Night.’ He bent down and kissed my forehead. ‘Sleep well.’

  ‘Night, night, thanks for coming to see me.’

  He closed the door and I turned out the light. A bit of flirting had cheered me up. I think I should be able to sleep now.

  My tummy churned from the moment I woke. I’m in need of a hearty breakfast this morning.

  Lianne and Shane were arguing in the corridor.

  ‘What’s going on? Hey. You two.’

  ‘He’s a smelly swine.’ Lianne was grasping for his mobile.

  ‘Morning, Miss. She doesn’t get that it’s art.’

  ‘What’s art?’

  ‘He’s got me on video in my PJs. Tell him to delete it. Please.’

  ‘Can I see it?’

  ‘Sure.’ Shane handed me his mobile without a fight. ‘It’s a montage of the week. It’s for my A Level course work. You can’t make me delete it.’

  ‘Yes she can,’ said Lianne as I pressed play.

  The video began with footage from the fishing hut and the wide shot of Felicity’s bottom cut to a back view of Lianne trotting down the children’s corridor into the bathroom.

  ‘Jees, my bum is out,’ Lianne wailed and before there was time to take in the full cheek of the scene it turned into Haggis jumping up, jaws wide open.

  I pressed pause. ‘Can we turn the sound up?’

  ‘No, Miss, music’s cheating. You get higher marks if you create atmosphere without it. Come on, you have to watch it as a sequence, no stopping.’

  A series of split-second interior shots flashed across the screen, we were then outside a full circumference of the house, back inside, a speeded-up ascent of the staircase, and a flash of Louis’ grumpy expression transposed with a clip of Mhàiri hoovering. This ended with a spiral effect of drawings and paintings from the week, then the grand finale, a Highland cow’s behind.

  ‘Very impressive,’ I smiled at Shane.

  ‘Tell him to delete it,’ said Lianne. ‘He has to.’

  ‘You only show for a split second.’

  ‘But everyone back home will know it’s me.’

  I looked at Shane. ‘Is it easy to edit it out?’

  ‘You’re as bad as her, Miss.’

  ‘Pleeease,’ begged Lianne.

  ‘I think it would be kind.’

  ‘Fine then.’

  ‘Thanks, mate.’ She slapped his back and bounced off down the corridor. ‘Breakfast time, toast and honey fill my tummy.’

  ‘Shane, can I watch it through one more time?’

  ‘To see Lianne’s bum?’

  ‘Don’t be silly, I just want to check something out.’ I pressed play.

  ‘Oi, why’ve you stopped it again, Miss?’

  I’d paused on the clip of Mhàiri hoovering.

  ‘I think someone’s been in my room and I want to see if you caught it on camera.’ I thought nothing of being honest with him.

  ‘Cool. Here,’ he took his mobile back, ‘you can zoom it in…Nah, Miss, you’re wrong, no one’s there.’

  ‘Move it forward a split second.’

  ‘Jesus,’ said Shane, holding the screen right up to his face. ‘You were right.’

  ‘Let me have a look.’

  ‘It’s Jane,’ he whispered as he handed me his mobile. ‘I bet she was stealing from you.’

  ‘I have nothing to steal,’ I smiled.

  ‘But you said someone was in your room?’

  ‘I said I thought someone had been in my room.’

  It was stupid of me to have told Shane the truth. There was no need for him to know and now he was hot on to Jane.

  ‘I reckon she was stealing.’

  ‘No, no, you’ve got it all wrong. She was just looking for me.’

  ‘Yeah right, but whatever. Do you like my work?’

  ‘It’s great and will be even better when you take Lianne out.’

  ‘Okay. I promise I will.’

  ‘That’s kind.’ I smiled. ‘Come on, I’m hungry.’

  We went downstairs and Shane barged straight into the dining room before me. Then, in front of everyone, the little rat said, ‘There’s a thief here.’ He pointed at Jane. ‘We’ve got ya on record. There’s no denying it.’

  Despite the obvious sing-song in his voice, Jane took a hard line. ‘Pardon me, young man. How dare you.’

  It was embarrassing.

  ‘Shane,’ I said, trying to save the situation. ‘Don’t joke, it’s nasty. Here,’ I pulled out a chair, ‘join me for some toast.’

  Rupert, unusually sensitive to the atmosphere for once, made an effort to grab Jane’s attention. ‘You seemed to know all about reeling etiquette. Very helpful to the rest of us.’

  ‘Oh yes,’ she beamed and sailed into a lengthy reply.

  ‘Shane,’ I said under my br
eath, ‘you shouldn’t have done that.’

  ‘But Miss, she started it. Saying I might steal the silver on the first night. I was just getting my own back.’

  ‘She was teasing.’

  ‘And so was I.’

  ‘Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come down hard on you.’

  ‘I’m going to ask her if she was looking for you. Just to make sure?’

  ‘No,’ I snapped, ‘that’s unfair, please leave it be.’

  ‘Susie,’ said Rupert loudly down the table, ‘we were just talking about your charming friend.’

  ‘I do hope he enjoyed himself?’ said Fergus.

  ‘Yes,’ said Zoe with a yawn, ‘it was lovely he came.’

  ‘Thank you for having him. I bet he enjoyed it.’

  Louis was staring at me, I think he was trying to read my thoughts. I smiled and, to my complete surprise, his lips puckered and pouted and he blew me a kiss. Crumbs, I blushed but I didn’t actually care, it was so nice to have Louis here.

  ‘Susie, would you like an egg?’ asked Zoe. ‘Mhàiri’s got some on the boil.’

  ‘Yes please, shall I tell her?’

  ‘No need.’ The kitchen door swung open. ‘Here she is. Mhàiri, one more egg for Susie please. Shane?’

  ‘Nah thanks.’

  ‘So, Jane,’ said Giles. ‘Are you leaving today?’

  Shane sat up.

  ‘No, I’ve decided to stay.’ She smiled and I wondered if last night’s reeling had miraculously spun her into a better mood.

  ‘Oh good,’ I said, truly relieved. Jane’s departure would have undoubtedly reflected badly on me.

  ‘Well,’ said Giles, ‘it’s so wild outside today, I wonder if any of us will make it home tomorrow.’

  ‘I shall,’ said Minty. ‘Mummy’s picking me up.’

  ‘There’s no need for the rest of you to worry,’ reassured Fergus. ‘I’ll give Inverness Airport a call, and double-check the flights.’

  ‘Don’t worry, angel,’ said Zoe, ‘I’ll do it before lunch.’

  ‘What are we going to be doing today, Susie?’ said Minty.

  ‘Learning something new.’

  ‘In the music room?’

  ‘Yes, inside, don’t worry.’

  Louis sloped off and Rupert took the words out of my thoughts. ‘He’s a bit jaded this morning. Too much whisky I’ll bet.’

  ‘Susie,’ said Fergus, ‘do you need anything from me this morning?’