Dirty Sweet Cowboy

by Bentley, Jess

  “My baby! You’re home! I’ve missed you so much!” I start laughing as she holds me so tight, I can barely breathe .

  “It’s good to see you, mama. I’m sorry I …”

  She puts her hand in front of my mouth to stop me from continuing. “It’s all in the past. You just get inside and let your mama get you some food .”

  “Mom, I ate on the plane. I really don’t need …”

  I don’t have time to finish because I look up, and my sister Anna is standing on the steps to the house, her arms crossed over her chest, scowling at me like she wants to wring my neck. Her bright red hair is flaming in the sunlight, and her eyes are flashing with a rage I don’t think I’ve ever seen in her before .

  “Hey, Anna,” I say as I walk up to her .

  “Hey, asshole,” she answers, not making a move toward me .

  “I deserve that .”

  “No kidding,” she says as she surveys me. “You’re too thin. Don’t you eat out there ?”

  I try to keep my laugh to a minimum, afraid of setting off my spitfire of a sister. “I eat. I’ve missed you, Banana .”

  “You could have come home at any time. I can think of a few specifically …”

  Dad walks up and stands in between us. “Children. Can we save this for later? Hawk just got here. Let him get settled in, and then you can continue making him feel like hell. Does that seem fair ?”

  “I guess so. How is four p.m.? Does that work for you, Hawk?” Anna asks with a smirk. I scrub her head as I walk by her into the house, and when I step into the hallway, I’m overwhelmed with memories again. Nothing has changed: the decorations, the paintings, even the flowers my mother arranges in the vases are exactly the same. Dad pats me firmly on the back and points up the stairs .

  “Your room is just how you left it. But Gracie and Parrish have their own room in the house now, just for sleepovers, and it’s right next door. So, if we keep Gracie, she may be paying you a visit or two. She likes to crawl out of her bed and wander .”

  I try to hide a flinch at the thought of being in the same house with Parrish. “I thought they lived in the carriage house? Why would they need to stay here ?”

  “What’s it to you, chump?” Anna asks, poking her head out from behind dad. I scrunch up my face and shake my head .

  “I was just asking. No need to make a federal case out of it. Where is… Parrish… anyway?” I can see Anna roll her eyes, but luckily dad can’t see her and mom is busying herself with my suitcase .

  “She’s in the office, and Gracie is at her little day school. I can’t believe you’re finally going to meet your niece after two years !”

  Anna scoffs. “Yeah, it is super hard to get on a plane and fly home when you have suitcases full of money and travel all of the time for work anyway .”

  Dad turns around and pops Anna on the back of the head. “Young lady, I’m going to need you to take several huge steps back and readjust your attitude, just so we can all have a pleasant month. If it’s going to be a problem, you can go stay with Parrish in the carriage house and stick to the stables for the rest of the time .”

  Anna throws her hands up in the air. “Fine! It’s out of my system. Mostly. But I make no promises.” And then she stomps back out of the house, leaving me along with my parents. They are both grinning at me, staring, like they are waiting for me to perform. I rock back and forth on my heels .

  “So… where are the rest of the guys ?”

  “Your brothers are at a competition in Austin this week. They wanted to be here to greet you but we needed some McCormick faces there to represent the ranch. And I wanted to make sure I was able to help you get started on the plans and everything. But that’s for later! Go get settled in, and maybe after dinner, we can take a stroll around the property. You can reacquaint yourself with the area, since it’s been so long since you were home last,” dad says as he walks me over to the staircase that leads up to the “kid’s” side of the house. I walk slowly up the stairs, away from my grinning parents, and toward the room that I spent my entire childhood in. When I open the door, I swear, my heart stops beating, because my dad was right .

  Absolutely nothing has changed .

  All of my old posters are still on the wall, my riding trophies are on the shelves, as well as the pictures from sports, and parties, and family events. I sit down on the bed and bounce a few times, amazed that I slept on this single, rock-solid thing for so long. For a second, I think about going and finding a hotel, but then I realize that would devastate my parents, so I set my briefcase down on my old desk and sigh. I walk over to the window and push the curtain aside, looking out over the ranch. I can see the outdoor riding hall next to the stables and then, like a vision, there she is .

  Parrish.

  She’s riding Moonfire out of the stalls, her long blonde braid bouncing behind her as the gorgeous horse trots on to the course. Even from a distance, I can see how beautiful Parrish still is. She looks exactly like I remember her, and every emotion in the pit of my stomach starts to bubble and ebb like a boiling cauldron. I press my hand to the window, and watch, enraptured, as they start running into a full gallop, and Moonfire leaps over the fence. Just as suddenly as they appeared, they are gone, riding off into the grassy hills at the back of the ranch .

  “What are you looking at, you creep ?”

  I jump a foot in the air, and turn around. Anna is standing in the doorway, holding my luggage and scowling at me .

  “Nothing! I’m not… nothing .”

  She chucks the suitcase on to the floor and sits down on the bed, smoothing out the quilt underneath her. “You’re not going to be able to avoid her for a month, you know .”

  I cross my arms over my chest and turn back to the window. “I don’t know what you’re talking about .”

  “Don’t lie to me, Hawk Samuel McCormick. I spent my entire childhood following you around like a puppy dog and I know every one of your moods and your attitudes. And I know when you’re lying .”

  “I’m not going to avoid her. Just because I’m not rushing out to give her a big how d’ya do and a hug doesn’t mean I’m planning to hide in the bushes whenever I see her. And what does it matter to you, anyway ?”

  I can hear her incensed scoff from across the room. “Hawk, I know you had your big dreams that didn’t include us, and you get a lot more pleasure out of living the high life in Los Angeles with your models and actresses or whatever than you would from being bored here on the ranch. But don’t for one second thing that just because you ran off and left us, we stopped caring about you. And that applies to everyone here, including the girl you left behind .”

  She gets up and walks out, closing the door behind her, and I am left in the exact same place I was the last time I saw Parrish .

  The last time I said goodbye .

  Parrish

  I ride across the open fields, and the only thing anchoring me to the earth beneath is the feel of Moonfire’s strong body between my legs. Whenever I’m angry or lost or confused or really missing Matt, Moonfire and I ride. We ride as far as we can without ending up in North Dakota. And then we turn around and ride back. It’s the only time I’m at peace, when I’m not with Gracie. The wind blows through my air, and I can hear the rhythmic thump thump thump of Moonfire’s feet on the ground, and for a second, everything is right with the world .

  But this afternoon … we are riding away from Hawk .

  As soon as he arrived on the ranch, there was a change in the air. Something began to fill the space between where I was sitting in my office and the ranch house, and I suddenly couldn’t focus. I looked out the window over my desk, and I saw him get out of a huge red truck. Candy ran down from the porch and threw her arms around him, and every fiber of my being began to shake in a combination of fear and panic that I couldn’t get a handle on. I watched him talk to his parents, and then stand on the steps of the house, looking around as if he was seeing everything for the first time. And in a weird wa
y, I knew exactly how he felt .

  Because I felt like I was looking at him for the first time too .

  He simultaneously looked exactly like the boy who broke my heart that day in his bedroom, and nothing like him. He is a man now, a grown, fully-formed man — muscular, his once shaggy hair now cut shorter, like a businessman from the big city. His beard is scruffy, yet clearly manicured to perfection, and his clothes are probably more expensive than everything Gracie and I own put together. But even at a distance, through the frosted glass windows of my office, I could see the sparkle in his eyes that tempted me so many years ago .

  And I hate him for it. I hate him so much .

  Now, as Moonfire and I make it to the very edge of the cleared property, near where the new stables are going to be built, I’m finding it hard to go back. My mind keeps drifting to that last day in Hawk’s bedroom. To the day after the graduation part, when he told me his future was more important than a girl in a stable, when he’d had too much to drink. He’d been so cold, so cruel, and I thought for sure I would never recover. How does a girl recover from her first broken heart ?

  She rides on. Away. She forgets and grows up. She moves on. And that’s what I did with my darling, my love, my Matt. And my life had been perfect. It had been everything I wanted. Even now, in this new version of a reality I never really imagined for myself, I’ve been happy. Well… if not happy, at least content. Gracie and I are safe, and healthy, and protected by a family that loves us. Hawk showing up is going to do nothing but upend the fragile balance I’ve created for us .

  It doesn’t help that I never fully believed that Hawk would come back here again, but here he is just the same. Even as Moonfire and I hover at the edge of the property, I can feel his presence bearing down on me. With a sigh, I look down at my watch. I need to pick up Gracie from school in thirty minutes, which means I have no choice but to start back for the stables. And I know deep down that I can’t avoid Hawk forever, no matter how much I’d like to try and make that happen. I give Moonfire a pat on the neck and turn her back toward the ranch, steeling myself for what’s waiting for me when I get there .

  The ranch isn’t its usually bustling hive of activity when I ride Moonfire into the stables. Anna isn’t ushering around stable hands, I don’t hear Sam yelling at anyone from the office, and with the boys gone, there is no chaos from the ring. It’s almost eerily quiet, except for the gently noises of the horses in their stalls and the occasional, almost soothing screech of a bird in the distance. I get Moonfire set up with some water and hay, then start walking for the office to get my car keys. But before I can get to the door, I see Anna come trotting over from the house. I wave at her, trying to avoid a big conversation .

  “I have to get Gracie! I’ll talk to you later!” I yell as I run into the office, grab my keys, then make a mad dash for the Jeep. But Anna is faster than me, she’s always been faster than me, and she beats me to the driver’s side door .

  “I’ll drive! We need to talk,” she says as she grabs the keys from my hand with a flourish. I groan .

  “Anna, it’s fine. I’m just going to pick up Gracie, get a few groceries, then maybe head for the Canadian border. Really. It’s fine .”

  Anna laughs. “You’re not skipping the country with my only niece. Get in .”

  I slide into the passenger seat as Anna backs out of the space like a maniac, then speeds down the dirt road that leads away from the ranch. “Anna, honey, I’m not so much concerned with my safety, but once Gracie is in the car, could you keep your speed below whatever breaks the sound barrier ?”

  Anna rolls her eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic. Anyway, I take it you know that Hawk is back ?”

  “Yeah, I’d picked up on that. What of it? There is no reason for me to have to deal with him while he’s here, is there? He can go his way, and I’ll go mine .”

  “Don’t be a fool, Parrish. You can’t spend a month hiding from Hawk. First of all, you’re the office manager. Dad talks a big game, but he doesn’t know jack about the money situation. He writes checks like the king but he can’t be trusted to keep a control on the actual finances. And let’s be real. No one knows the ranch better than you. You’re going to be the one making the decisions on the design .”

  I look out the window, refusing to acknowledge the validity of anything she is saying. “Forget it. Your dad wanted this, he can damn well deal with it .”

  Anna pulls the Jeep over in a huff, and a car that was behind us honks their horn as they swerve to avoid rear-ending the car. “What the hell, Anna?” I yell .

  She turns to me and puts her sunglasses on her head. “Listen, Parrish, I get it. You hate Hawk. On some level, you probably have more reason than anyone else, given… high school. He was a dick. He may still be a dick, I don’t know. He’s like a stranger with the face of my brother. But you can’t let your anger outweigh all of the work you’ve put into your life here. He doesn’t deserve that kind of power and I think you know that .”

  I cross my arms over my chest like a petulant child. “So. What do you want me to do? Shake hands with him and welcome him home like nothing ever happened? Let’s discount for one second what happened at the graduation party. We’ll pretend that never happened, and that he and I have no history. Fine. That doesn’t change the fact that he blew us off, all of us , for ten years, and couldn’t be bothered to come home after… when… Matt. I don’t understand how everyone is just pretending that never happened .”

  Anna starts driving again with a sigh. “Honey, we’ve been over this. In families like ours, the first born is always going to have a special status that the rest of us aren’t afforded. If I did what Hawk did, there is zero chance my parents would ever forgive me. But Hawk could disappear for FIFTY years, and if he showed up as dad was breathing his last earthly breath, he would give him the world on a belt buckle to wear as a souvenir. So, the way I see it, you have two options .”

  I can’t help but snort. “And what are those, Dr. Phil ?”

  “You can spend the next month hiding in the carriage house with Gracie, which is just going to piss off and confuse mom and dad. Or you can suck it up, hike up your boots, and be the badass mama I know you are. Do what needs to be done. Get the project finished. Do your job. Be civil. And in a month, you know damn well that Hawk is just going to turn tail and leave again. What are the odds he’s going to give up his big shot life in Los Angeles to come back to Dylan and design barns for cattle farmers ?”

  I hate to admit she’s right, but I know she is. The last thing I want in this world is to lose my family over Hawk, and I wouldn’t be a damn bit surprised if their favorite son was prioritized over everything else, including me. The best thing I can do for Gracie, and myself, and the whole family, is put on my big girl panties, and face Hawk like the strong woman I know I am .

  “Fine. I will be civil. But don’t expect me to be nice .”

  Anna parks in front of Gracie’s day-school with a laugh. “I wouldn’t dream of it .”

  As we get out of the car to pick up Gracie, I know that Anna is right about something else too .

  There is no chance Hawk is going to stay longer than a month, anyway. So, what am I getting all worked up about, right ?

  Hawk

  I t may have taken me over an hour, but I finally managed to shake my mom and dad by telling them that I wanted to wander around the property and reacquaint myself with the feel of it. Just to better adapt my plans. But the truth was, I just wanted to be alone for a few minutes so I could breathe. It’s not that I’m not happy to see them again, I am, it’s just that I want to take some time to come to terms with the fact that I’m here. I’m still not sure I made the right decision, coming back, and the only way I’m going to push myself through my hesitation is my jumping in with both feet .

  After sneaking out of the house once my parents were distracted by a phone call, I made my way over to the office, once I was sure that Parrish was gone. Anna is missing too, so I actually
have the ability to poke around in peace, and see how things have been running on the ranch since I left. Once upon a time, before Parrish took over and back when dad was running everything on his own, management of the ranch was kind of a mess. Dad is a beast when it comes raising horses and winning competitions, but balancing a checkbook and remembering to pay vendors on time? That was never his thing. I used to come in the office and the desk would be covered in unpaid bills, invoices, and paperwork to register new horses that had never been filed. It was as if Fred Sanford were running a horse farm .

  But now, when I open the door to the ranch office, I almost choke in shock. It could be on the cover of an organization magazine. Everything is stacked in its proper place, the desk is so clean you could eat off it, and there is a bulletin board taking up the whole back wall, covered in notes about every horse currently stabled on the ranch. This is definitely Parrish’s work, because there is no way my father would have the patience to figure any of this out. All of the ranch’s current success is definitely thanks to Parrish, because there is no way it could have continued the way my dad was running it .

  I sit down in the chair behind her desk and turn on the computer, but it tells me I need a password and I can’t even begin to guess what it might be. So, I absent-mindedly start flipping through the bills Parrish has organized in a little divider on the edge of her desk .

  “What the hell are you doing ?”

  I knock over the divider, I’m so startled, sending papers and envelopes scattering everywhere across the floor and the desk. I start trying to gather them up, without looking up at Parrish, who is standing in the doorway, tapping her foot impatiently .

  “I uh… I was just looking for… I mean, I was… I thought I would…” I can’t believe the incoherent way I’m babbling right now, like a nervous teenager standing in front of his prom date. And I never was a nervous teenager, even when I went to the prom. But I just can’t bring myself to make eye contact with her, knowing that the minute I do, it will make everything real. But the tapping of her foot is making my heart beat fast, and I know I can’t keep staring at the knotted wood of her desk forever .