At First Sight

by Hannah Sunderland

  ‘Charlie, breathe. You’re turnin’ blue,’ Kenna said and shook my shoulder.

  I gasped air into my lungs. ‘So, it wasn’t my fault? I’m not the reason she’s dead?’

  ‘No, Charlie. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It just happened.’

  The dry grass was itchy against my legs as I sat facing Abi’s tombstone.

  Loving daughter, sister, wife and friend, it read, in silver letters.

  I rolled the sea glass around in my fingers as I read them over and over again, the faraway sound of passing cars and chirruping birds the only sounds being brought in by the wind.

  ‘So,’ I said my voice raspy from my talk with Kenna, ‘I found out today that it isn’t my fault that you’re down there. You’d think that’d make me feel better. And it does, a little, but you’re still dead.’

  I heard the clang of the gate and looked over my shoulder to see an old man, flowers in hand, his walking stick making a gentle crunch in the gravel path as he wandered my way. He got to within a few metres before he noticed me and tipped his hat before wandering off to a grave by the wall that separated the graveyard from the road. I wondered if that might be me in forty years, still bringing flowers here, the hurt still sharp enough to sting.

  ‘I met a girl. Her name’s Nell. I don’t know how you’d feel about that but I just wanted to tell yer. Feels less like I’m cheatin’ on yer that way.’

  I tossed the orange glass to my other hand and rolled it around between my palms. The feel of it was so familiar now, after carrying it around for so long, that it felt like a part of me. The sea-buffed edges made even smoother after being rolled around for years in anxious hands. ‘She called me about a month ago, said that she’d found out who put that sticker up on the tower. I shoulda known you’d have had somethin’ to do with it.’ I smiled, despite myself. ‘So, that musta been when you went through that volunteerin’ phase and ended up in the cat shelter where yer got Magnus from?’ I looked to the stone, as if waiting for it to answer. ‘And writin’ that thing from Castaway on there, as if you knew I’d need it someday, as if you knew I’d need her.’

  I wiped my moistening eyes with my sleeve and sniffed back the emotion. I’d been trying not to ‘man up’ when the urge to cry came over me. But lately the tears had been coming less often, though the grief behind them was ever present in the background like a thunderstorm one town over that threatened to descend on me.

  ‘I just wanted to come here and tell you, even though I’m pretty sure that I’m just talking to the ground and nothing else, that I love yer and I’m always goin’ to love yer. But eventually I’m gonna have to make some room in there to love someone else.’ I wiped my cheeks again and exhaled loudly, the air taking with it a weight that I’d felt for far too long. ‘I’ve got a lot of decisions to make. Should I stay or should I go? In the words of The Clash.’ I chuckled, knowing that she’d have appreciated that reference with her love of punk rock. ‘But whatever I choose, I’m not forgettin’ yer and I’m not replacin’ yer.’

  I took another minute before standing and taking a breath. I reached out a hand and rested it atop the marble stone, thinking how much time Abi and I wasted in those years we hadn’t spoken, using our damaged pride as a reason not to act on anything. But there was no changing that now and there was no changing the fact that this stone was here, with her beneath it. I unfurled my hand, the glass clinking a little as it touched the top of the marble. I let my hand linger a moment longer before turning around and walking away to where Steve awaited me in the car park, leaving the piece of orange sea glass where it really belonged.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Four months later

  Nell

  I walked through the glass-roofed foyer of Aston University and onto the large grassy area out front, which was always speckled with lounging students whenever the weather allowed.

  Tom and Marni, the two students in their early twenties who had befriended me in the first week, chattered away beside me as we made our way out into the lazy afternoon sunshine.

  We all collapsed down onto the grass amidst the scattered groups of students, all dressed in various forms of blood-spattered shirts and rubber masks. I had completely forgotten that today was Halloween, until I’d walked downstairs and found Ned sitting at the table dressed as Leatherface, the severed arm strapped to his belt making it troublesome for him to sit down.

  ‘Got any plans for the weekend, Nell?’ Tom asked, his long brown hair pulled into a tiny little man bun at the crown of his head, that reminded me of a Samurai warrior.

  ‘I have one shift at Healthy Minds tomorrow and then I think my mum is coming to visit for a day or two,’ I replied. ‘Rock and roll, I know.’ I turned my face up to the sorry excuse for sunshine and leaned back on my hands. ‘You guys?’

  ‘There’s a Halloween party over at Laurie’s place if you fancy it?’ Tom asked.

  ‘Tom, you should know better,’ Marni teased. ‘Friday nights are when she and her husband have movie night.’

  They’d taken to calling Ned my husband ever since they’d learned about him and the fact that I’d told them he was dating my mother hadn’t seemed to deter them.

  Lately I’d noticed Tom had started to get a little flirty, touching me more frequently, asking me out for coffee. He was nice enough and good-looking, but there was absolutely no way that I could even contemplate seeing someone right now. Professor Gundersen had approached me after class a couple of weeks ago and told me that the student who was doing a year of study abroad had found out she was pregnant and so was coming home at the end of October. She seemed to think that I would be a good candidate to take her place and had given me a handful of paperwork to think over.

  ‘So,’ Tom asked, reading my mind. ‘Is New Zealand a go-go or can you simply not deprive yourself of our company for that long?’

  ‘I handed the paperwork in yesterday,’ I said with mingled terror and excitement in my gut.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re abandoning us and your husband for a whole year,’ Marni jested.

  ‘Ned will be just fine and so will you guys,’ I said, picking at the grass with my nails. ‘It’s going to be strange, being so far away.’

  ‘Yeah, the flight to Auckland is, like, over twenty-four hours, isn’t it?’ Tom asked. I gulped audibly. Twenty-four hours, airborne, thousands of miles above the earth. I shook the thought from my head and took a breath. No, I wasn’t going to let fear override this chance that had fallen into my lap.

  I thought of my last flight, how I’d held on to Charlie’s hand so tightly that his fingers had turned blue. I’d have no hand to hold this time, unless I managed to make friends with the person sitting next to me, which, with my verbal diarrhoea, wasn’t out of the question. I felt the ache in my chest that came as a by-product of every memory of him and waited. I knew that, like all the other times, it would be only a minute or two until the ache subsided. In his last message to me, Charlie had told me that he was feeling good, working in the family shop, and that living with Carrick was making him feel as if he’d regressed in maturity by about twenty years.

  ‘You okay?’ Tom asked, placing his hand on my ankle.

  ‘Yeah,’ I replied. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘So,’ Marnie said, guessing that the subject needed to be changed. ‘Have you decided what you’re gonna specialise in when you’re out there?’ She turned to me, her long purple box-braided hair swinging down in the air like little ropes.

  ‘Pretty sure I want to go into grief and bereavement counselling.’ I looked down at my toes and a small wave of sadness came over me. I gave myself five seconds to feel it before reining it back in and regaining my smile. Yes, my time with Charlie had been beautiful and painful and something that I would always remember with a tinge of regret that it had ended before it had ever really started. But being there for him, helping him through the most devastating event of his life, had helped me to figure out what I was good at and what I wanted to do with
the rest of my life. There were millions of broken hearts and grieving people out there and if I could help even one of them, then my time here on this planet was worthwhile.

  The second I stepped from the train onto the platform, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and pulled it out to see that it was a call from Mum.

  ‘Hola, Madre,’ I said in my best Spanish accent.

  ‘Buenas Tardes,’ she replied, her accent so much better than mine. ‘How was uni?’

  ‘Good. Tom tried to get me to go out with them all tonight, but I passed.’

  ‘Oh, go on, Nelly. From what I hear this Tom has a soft spot for you.’ She’d been pushier and pushier ever since my almost love affair with Charlie. I think she was trying to flush the sadness from my system with the possibility of a few meaningless trysts.

  ‘No, Mum. Tom is, like, twelve.’

  ‘There is nothing wrong with a toy boy, Nelly. I’ve had more than a few in my time.’

  I made a gagging sound. ‘I thought we agreed that we would never have a conversation about this ever again!’

  ‘Okay. Sorry, love.’ She sighed.

  ‘Has he been in touch?’ she asked, her tone almost pitiful.

  ‘Can we please talk about something else, before I start crying in the middle of the street?’

  ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘Have you heard from Joel?’

  ‘Mum! Of all the topics to try and cheer me up you go with Joel?’

  ‘I’m sorry, love, but your life is quite the minefield of conversational topics.’

  The last I heard Joel was doing well and they were moving up to Scarborough to be amongst happy memories and Rachel had promised to get in touch when they were both settled.

  ‘There was actually something I wanted to talk to you about,’ Mum said.

  ‘And what’s that?’ I asked, trying to regain some composure as I turned onto my road and saw a couple of street lamps prematurely burst into life in the early evening light.

  ‘I was going to wait and tell you this face-to-face, but I can’t wait. I’ve accepted a permanent job offer in London.’

  ‘You’re coming home?’ I asked, my mood suddenly lighter. ‘Wait, does this mean that you and Ned are a thing, because if you think for one moment that I am ever gonna call that man Dad then you have another thing—’

  ‘No. I’m coming back for you, Nelly. What you said to me in the bathroom that night, well, it hit me pretty hard and I realised that I haven’t been the mother to you that I thought I’d been.’

  ‘So, you’re coming home, home?’

  ‘Well, I’ll be in London. But you’re a big girl now. You don’t need me hovering around. But I’ll be close enough to see you every week or so, if that’s something you want. I mean I understand if you don’t want me hovering. What fun is it having your mum there when you’re trying to have a social life? I’ve never been a hoverer and I certainly don’t expect to start now.’

  Christ, was this what I sounded like when I babbled?

  ‘Mum. Firstly, I don’t have a social life and secondly, having you at my beck and call is something that I’ve wanted for at least the last decade of my life. But, as sod’s law would have it, I handed my New Zealand paperwork in yesterday.’

  ‘Oh, Nelly. That’s great. I’m so proud of you. I think you’re going to love it out there.’

  ‘I hope so. But it means that, once again, we’re going to be on opposite sides of the globe.’ I sighed, wondering for the thousandth time if this was the right thing to do.

  ‘Don’t worry about me, Nelly. I’m not going anywhere. Go off and have your long-overdue adventure and when you get back, you’ll know exactly where I am.’

  I ended the call with Mum the moment I turned into the drive and pushed the phone into my back pocket. I felt slightly drunk with the idea that when I got back, she would finally be here, close enough to call if I needed her and I wouldn’t even have to look at my world clock app before doing so. As I reached the doorstep, I heard a sound that I recognised. It was so quiet that it was almost nonexistent, a quiet squeaking. I looked down and a small gasp escaped my lips, because there, sitting in the centre of the step, his head bobbing in the breeze, was George. I bent down so quickly that my knees clicked and I snatched him up. Beneath his feet was a folded-up piece of paper that I almost tore in half trying to open quicker than my trembling hands would allow.

  When I finally got it open, I smoothed it out and read the message that simply said:

  Coffee? On me.

  C x

  I’d thought that if this moment ever came, that nothing would be able to hold me back from running headlong in any direction Charlie was in. But right now, I couldn’t move.

  Charlie was back and if I started now, I could be with him in less than fifteen minutes. But, again, the timing was all wrong. I was leaving, pursuing what I should have long since pursued. Why now?

  ‘So?’ The front door swung open and Ned’s smirking face popped into sight. ‘Are you going or not?’

  Charlie

  The heat, permeating through the ceramic of the cup was almost painful as it turned my palms red. Little tendrils of steam rose from the surface of the milky tea and brought with it that unmistakable herbal smell.

  How different my life was now from when I’d taken refuge here on the day that I’d been heading for the clock tower. I’d been so sure of my plans that, if someone had told me then that I’d be sitting here, months later, waiting on a girl, I’d have laughed in their face and deemed them mentally deranged, but here I was. I lifted the tea to my lips and took a sip.

  The sound of the café door opening made me turn around hopefully. My stomach sank when I saw that it was just an employee going outside to fetch some chairs in. I sighed and turned back to my cup. I’d hated being away from Nell and truth be told, I’d even missed Magnus a little. But that’s what the therapist that Kenna had found for me had said to do. ‘Only by gaining a little distance can we also gain perspective,’ she’d said and, in the end, even though it had been almost impossible, I’d distanced myself.

  Nell had been right, back when she’d said that the timing had been wrong. Neither of us had been in the right place to fall in love, but that was exactly what we’d done, even though the Abi-shaped wedge between us did its best to keep us apart.

  I think, truth be told, Abi was not someone I’d ever be able to get over completely. I had loved her more than anything in this world. All I’d wanted to do was hold her and spend every waking moment in her presence, then all of a sudden, I wasn’t able to do any of those things anymore. I don’t know if grief ever really goes away completely. It’s like a game of pass the bomb: you carry it, never knowing when it will go off, the threat of it terrifying. Until one day, when your time on this planet is up, you exit stage right and pass the grief on to someone else. I guess that death isn’t quite as final as people say it is. It remains in this world, until the last person who loved you, is no longer here.

  But even though I knew that there would be days to come that would be worse than the others, anniversaries and birthdays where I’d go quiet and reserved, I knew that I wanted Nell by my side through all of them.

  I hoped more than anything that she wanted the same, because we had already spent far too long apart.

  I heard someone clear their throat behind me and I turned in my seat, almost falling from it with the enthusiasm with which I spun around.

  My eyes found the face of the person behind me and my heart sank.

  ‘Excuse me, sir. Would you mind if I just wipe this table down, just so we’re ready for when this place turns into boozy housewife central?’ the young girl asked with a blushing smile.

  ‘Of course not, go ahead,’ I said, lifting up my cup and letting her wipe away the crumbs and coffee rings left by the patrons of the day.

  She thanked me, smiled and walked away as I placed my tea back down.

  There was no telling if Nell would even come. God knows that I brought a boatload
of complications into her life, which had been just fine without me, and in the time that had passed since, maybe she’d realised that the quiet life was what she’d actually wanted all along.

  ‘Excuse me,’ a voice came again.

  ‘I didn’t spill anything, I swear,’ I said, turning with a smile on my lips.

  My breath caught in my throat as I was met with the large brown eyes that I’d been craving for months.

  Her hair was shorter than it had been all those months ago and she looked happier, more alive than I’d ever seen her before.

  Her lips drew up into such a wide smile that my mouth had no choice but to mimic it.

  She cleared her throat. ‘Excuse me,’ she said again, repeating the first words she’d ever said to me. ‘Do you mind if I sit here?’

  ‘Be my guest,’ I replied.

  She sat down nervously, her hands cupping in her lap as she tentatively looked up at me through her lashes.

  ‘It’s so good to see you again, Nell.’ I almost sighed the words. The relief of being so close to her again was almost overpowering.

  ‘You too,’ she responded. She frowned a little, her brows creasing in that adorable way that I remembered so vividly. She looked as though she was trying to figure something out, mulling it over in her brain and weighing up the options.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, reaching out a hand and placing it on her arm. It felt strange to touch her again, as if I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to anymore.

  ‘Nothing. Nothing’s wrong,’ she replied, her eyes meeting mine and her brow unfurrowing. ‘I just want to ask you a question, is all.’

  ‘And what question is that?’ I asked, my heart thumping so loudly that I worried I wouldn’t be able to hear her question when the words finally left her mouth. ‘Ask me anything.’

  Her lips curled into a smile, lighting up her eyes with a sense of excitement that I hadn’t seen her wear before. ‘Are you up for an adventure?’ she asked cryptically.

  ‘I’m up for anything as long as it’s with you.’

  ‘Good. Then, how does New Zealand sound?’