My Life as Invisible Intestines with Intense Indigestion
Page 7
FLASH
as Neat Freak appears in his perfectly tailored suit coat, pressed shirt, pressed slacks (and don’t even ask about the crease his mother irons in his undershorts).
“Neat Freak!” our hero shouts. “How’d you get here so fast?”
“I AM UTILIZING VIRTUAL REALITY,” the sinister non-slob says.
“IT IS MUCH NEATER TO DESTROY YOU THIS WAY WITH NONE OF THOSE BOTHERSOME BODY PARTS OR BLOOD TO CLEANUP.”
“But you can’t win!” our hero shouts.
“AND WHY NOT?”
“Because I’m the hero in this story.”
“YOU, THE HERO ? I THINK NOT.”
“It’s true. Flip back to page 12 if you don’t believe me.”
“WHY WOULD OUR ESTEEMED WRITER MAKE A SLOB THE HERO?”
”I’m not sure, but I’ve got my ideas.” Then, clearing his throat and spitting someplace gross (hey, hero or not, he’s still a slob), he continues. “Enter ‘Music School’ into your virtual reality gizmo and let me show you.”
With a heavy, though very carefully placed, sigh, Neat Freak nods, reaches for his controls, and
BEEP, BOP, BURP, BLEEP
enters the coordinates to the nearest music school. At least it’s supposed to be a music school. But instead of music, everyone is playing one continuous note. One long, very boring, continuous note.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM ?” Neat Freak shouts over the noise.
“THEY SOUND TERRIBLE!”
“Take a look at their sheet music,” our hero yells. “It’s the same note, over and over again, on every piece of paper in the entire school.”
“YES, AND LOOK HOW NEAT AND TIDY IT APPEARS ON THE PAPER.”
“That’s my point. Neat and tidy isn’t always a good thing. And it’s not just with music. Enter ‘Nearest Preschool’ into your gizmo.”
Neat Freak nods, and after the obligatory
BEEP, BOP, BURP, BLEEP,
the two find themselves in a preschool. But instead of neat, well-behaved children, everyone is crying.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?” Neat Freak shouts.
“They’re drawing dot-to-dot pictures,” our hero explains.
“YES, I SEE. AND LOOK HOW NICELY I‘VE ARRANGED ALL THEIR DOTS IN ONE NEAT AND VERY STRAIGHT ROW . ”
“And that’s why they’re crying. They can’t draw any pictures of anything. All they can draw are long, straight lines.”
“STRAIGHT LINES ARE NEAT AND TIDY. ”
“Yes, and they come in handy for things like painting stripes down freeways. But sometimes you need things to be different. Like people. You can’t have everybody wearing the same clothes, or having the same hair or the same color skin.”
“BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE EVERYONE BEING A SLOB, EITHER.”
“That’s true,” our hero says, coughing and spitting again. “And there’s probably some things in my act that I need to clean up (though I can’t imagine what). But the point is, we’re all individuals. And individuals need to be . . . individuals.”
“WOW, I THINK I SEE YOUR POINT!”
“Really?” our hero asks.
“NO, BUT IF YOU KEEP TALKING, I’M AFRAID YOU ’ LL COUGH AND SPIT SOME MORE..”
“Oh, sorry. But I’d really like to show you some more examples, if you don’t mind.”
“ AS LONG AS I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF EVERYBODY WAS AS SLOPPY AS YOU.”
“Deal,” our hero says, reaching out his hand for a shake.
“UH, YOU CAN’T SHAKE HANDS WITH A VIRTUAL REALITY IMAGE.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right.”
And so the two stroll arm in arm toward the setting sun——
“ UH, YOU CAN’T STROLL ARM IN ARM WITH VIRTUAL REALITY, EITHER.”
“Oh, right, thanks.” And so the two head off into the beautiful, warm sunset——
“UH , YOU CAN’ T—”
“Got it.” And so the two head off into the make-believe sunset, preparing to see how there is a place for both neatness——
“TOLD YOU SO.”
——and not-such neatness——
“That’s (cough, scratch-scratch, spit) right.” ——in this old world.
I paused a moment, looking down at my ending. It wasn’t great, but it was true. There was a place for both. As long as people didn’t get too carried away in either direction.
“Hey, Wally!” Someone pounded on the police car window. “Wally.”
“Hey, Wally!” Someone pounded on the police car window. “Wally.”
I looked up to see Wall Street.
“One of your friends?” the officer asked from the front seat.
“Yes, sir. May I speak to her?”
“Sure, you’re not under arrest or anything. We just need to keep you close ’til we hear from your parents.”
“Thanks,” I said as he got out and opened the door for me.
Wall Street was immediately beside me, checking out the inside of the car. “Cool,” she said.
“Yeah,” I mumbled. “Cool.”
“So,” she asked, “any idea what your parents are going to do to you when they get here?”
I shrugged. “The usual ground me for life, restrict me from TV ’til I’m forty-five, you know the routine.”
“Yeah. Parents are funny that way. My mom make me return all the money to those people. Guess she figured they felt an invisible boy wasn’t as interesting as a ghost.”
“Sorry.”
“That’s okay,” she said, lowering her voice. “Because I’ve got ourselves a brand-new gimmick.
” Suddenly, my stomach was feeling a little queasy. “Wall Street, haven’t we learned our lesson?” “No, no, no, this is perfectly legit . . . well, almost.”
My stomach felt no better.
“I’ve got three Hollywood studios lined up who want to do your story.”
“My story?”
“Yeah, you know how the FBI forced you to become invisible so you could guard the President and watch how he runs the country so they could secretly install you as the next one?”
gurgle .. .
“Next what?” I asked.
“Next President, of course.”
gurgle .. . gurgle .. .
“Wall Street—”
“I know some of the facts are a bit made up, but who cares, just as long as—”
“Wall Street, selling a made-up story to them and telling them it’s true, that’s just like cheating. And if there’s one thing we’ve all learned these past few days it’s—”
“I know, I know, that if you cheat, don’t get caught.”
“No, that’s not what we learned! Wall Street—”
“Wally, just listen to my plan—”
I tried to interrupt, but she kept right on talking, explaining all the different ways we could take shortcuts and make a ton of money off the project.
Of course, I had to sit there and listen, but I wasn’t buying it for one second. No sir. Because if there’s one thing I learned, it’s that cheating and taking shortcuts always wind up becoming the longest (not to mention most painful) way to get where you’re going. Maybe it doesn’t look that way at the beginning, but it’s always that way at the
gurgle, gurgle, gurgle
end.
By the way, does anybody have another Rolaid?
You’ll want to read them all.
THE INCREDIBLE WORLDS OF
WALLY MCDOOGLE
#1—My Life As a Smashed Burrito with Extra Hot Sauce
Twelve-year-old Wally—the “Walking Disaster Area”—is forced to stand up to Camp Wahkah Wahkah’s number one all-American bad guy. One hilarious mishap follows another until, fighting together for their very lives, Wally learns the need for even his worst enemy to receive Jesus Christ. (ISBN 0-8499-3402-8)
#2—My Life As Alien Monster Bait
“Hollyweird” comes to Middletown! Wally’s a superstar! A movie company has chosen our hero to be eaten by their mechanical “Mutant
from Mars”! It’s a close race as to which will consume Wally first—the disaster-plagued special effects “monster” or his own out-of-control pride —until he learns the cost of true friendship and of God’s command for humility. (ISBN 0-8499-3403-6)
#3—My Life As a Broken Bungee Cord
A hot-air balloon race! What could be more fun? Then again, we’re talking about Wally McDoogle, the “Human Catastrophe.” Calamity builds on calamity until, with his life on the line, Wally learns what it means to FULLY put his trust in God. (ISBN 0-8499-3404-4)
#4—My Life As Crocodile Junk Food
Wally visits missionary friends in the South American rain forest. Here he stumbles onto a whole new set of impossible predicaments . . . until he understands the need and joy of sharing Jesus Christ with others.
(ISBN 0-8499-3405-2)
#5—My Life As Dinosaur Dental Floss
It starts with a practical joke that snowballs into near disaster. Risking his life to protect his country, Wally is pursued by a SWAT team, bungling terrorists, photo-snapping tourists, Gary the Gorilla, and a TV news reporter. After prehistoric-size mishaps and a talk with the President, Wally learns that maybe honesty really is the best policy. (ISBN 0-8499-3537-7)
#6—My Life As a Torpedo Test Target
Wally uncovers the mysterious secrets of a sunken submarine. As dreams of fame and glory increase, so do the famous McDoogle mishaps. Besides hostile sea creatures, hostile pirates, and hostile Wally McDoogle clumsiness, there is the war against his own greed and selfishness. It isn’t until Wally finds himself on a wild ride atop a misguided torpedo that he realizes the source of true greatness. (ISBN 0-8499-3538-5)
#7—My Life As a Human Hockey Puck
Look out . . . Wally McDoogle turns athlete! Jealousy and envy drive Wally from one hilarious calamity to another until, as the team’s mascot, he learns humility while suddenly being thrown in to play goalie for the Middletown Super Chickens! (ISBN 0-8499-3601-2)
#8—My Life As an Afterthought Astronaut
“Just ’cause I didn’t follow the rules doesn’t make it my fault that the Space Shuttle almost crashed. Well, okay, maybe it was sort of my fault. But not the part when Pilot O’Brien was spacewalking and I accidentally knocked him halfway to Jupiter . . .” So begins another hilarious Wally McDoogle MISadventure as our boy blunder stows aboard the Space Shuttle and learns the !
importance of: Obeying the Rules
(ISBN 0-8499-3602-0)
#9—My Life As Reindeer Road Kill
Santa on an out-of-control four wheeler? Electrical Rudolph on the rampage? Nothing unusual, just Wally McDoogle doing some last-minute Christmas shopping . . . FOR GOD! Our boy blunder dreams that an angel has invited him to a birthday party for Jesus. Chaos and comedy follow as he turns the town upside down looking for the perfect gift, until he finally bumbles his way into the real reason for the Season. (ISBN 0-8499-3866-X)
#10—My Life As a Toasted Time Traveler
Wally travels back from the future to warn himself of an upcoming accident. But before he knows it, there are more Wallys running around than even Wally himself can handle. Catastrophes reach an all-time high as Wally tries to outthink God and rewrite history. (ISBN 0-8499-3867-8)
#11—My Life As Polluted Pond Scum
This laugh-filled Wally disaster includes: a monster lurking in the depths of a mysterious lake . . . a glowing figure with powers to summon the creature to the shore . . . and one Wally McDoogle, who reluctantly stumbles upon the truth. Wally’s entire town is in danger. He must race against the clock and his own fears and learn to trust God before he has any chance of saving the day. (ISBN 0-8499-3875-9)
#12—My Life As a Bigfoot Breath Mint
Wally gets his big break to star with his uncle Max in the famous Fantasmo World stunt show. Unlike his father, whom Wally secretly suspects to be a major loser, Uncle Max is everything Wally longs to be . . . or so it appears. But Wally soon discovers the truth and learns who the real hero is in his life. (ISBN 0-8499-3876-7)
#13—My Life As a Blundering Ballerina
Wally agrees to switch places with Wall Street. Everyone is in on the act as the two try to survive seventy-two hours in each other’s shoes and learn the importance of respecting other people. (ISBN 0-8499-4022-2)
#14—My Life As a Screaming Skydiver
Master of mayhem Wally turns a game of laser tag into international espionage. From the Swiss Alps to the African plains, Agent 001.7th bumblingly employs such top-secret gizmos as rocket-powered toilet paper, exploding dental floss, and the ever-popular transformer tacos to stop the dreaded and super secret . . . Giggle Gun. (ISBN 0-8499-4023-0)
#15—My Life As a Human Hairball
When Wally and Wall Street visit a local laboratory, they are accidentally miniaturized and swallowed by some unknown stranger. It is a race against the clock as they fly through various parts of the body in a desperate search for a way out while learning how wonderfully we’re made.
(ISBN 0-8499-4024-9)
#16—My Life As a Walrus Whoopee Cushion
Wally and his buddies, Opera and Wall Street, win the Gazillion Dollar Lotto! Everything is great, until they realize they lost the ticket at the zoo! Add some bungling bad guys, a zoo break-in, the release of all the animals, a SWAT team or two . . . and you have the usual McDoogle mayhem as Wally learns the dangers of greed.
(ISBN 0-8499-4025-7)
#17—My Life As a Mixed-Up Millennium Bug
When Wally accidentally fries the circuits of Ol’ Betsy, his beloved laptop computer, suddenly whatever he types turns into reality! At 11:59, New Year’s Eve, Wally tries retyping the truth into his computer—which shorts out every other computer in the world. By midnight, the entire universe has credited Wally’s mishap to the MILLENNIUM BUG! Panic, chaos, and hilarity start the new century, thanks to our beloved boy blunder. (ISBN 0-8499-4026-5)
#18—My Life As a Beat-Up Basketball Backboard
Ricko Slicko’s Advertising Agency claims that they can turn the dorkiest human in the world into the most popular. And who better to prove this than our boy blunder, Wally McDoogle! Soon he has his own TV series and fans wearing glasses just like his. But when he tries to be a star athlete for his school basketball team, Wally finally learns that being popular isn’t all it’s cut out to be.
(ISBN 0-8499-4027-3)
#19—My Life As a Cowboy Cowpie
Once again our part-time hero and full-time walking disaster area finds himself smack dab in another misadventure. This time it’s full of dude-ranch disasters, bungling broncobusters, and the world’s biggest cow—well, let’s just say it’s not a pretty picture (or a pleasant-smelling one). Through it all, Wally learns the dangers of seeking revenge.
(ISBN 0-8499-5990-X)
Would You Like To Interview
Bill Myers
In Your Classroom?
If your class has access to a speaker
phone, you can interview Bill Myers,
author of The Incredible Worlds of Wally
McDoogle series—which has sold over
2 million copies—and The Imager
Chronicles series. You’ll be able to ask
him about his life as a writer and how
he created the famous boy blunder
and the land of Fayrah.
It’s Fun!
It’s Easy!
It’s Educational!
For information, just have your
teacher e-mail us at
Tommy Nelson ® and ask for details!
E-mail: prdept@tommynelson.com
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