Hapgood: A Play

by Tom Stoppard

HAPGOOD: Why didn't you say? - those look too big anyway, how old is Sandilands?

  JOE: It's all right, it's silly to buy new boots for Colts B.

  HAPGOOD: And now you've lost a running shoe? How did that happen?

  JOE: It's not lost, it's on the roof.

  HAPGOOD: I don't wish to know about this.

  JOE: I borrowed the key for Mr Clark's garage where there's the ladder, I was going to get it down in break with the ladderbut then I lost it.

  HAPGOOD: The ladder?

  JOE: No, the key, Mum - I put it somewhere and Mr Clark will have an epi if I don't find it.

  HAPGOOD: Is that what you're worried about, Mr Clark's garage key?

  BLAIR: I'll send one of the burglars.

  JOE: It's all right, don't do anything, Mum-

  HAPGOOD: I won't. When was all this?

  JOE: Today after breakfast - oh: thank you for the parcel. Your card came too. When were you in Austria? Did you go to the Spanish horses?

  HAPGOOD: No. I was too busy. What was in the parcel?

  JOE: The chocolate animals.

  HAPGOOD: Oh, yes.

  JOE: I gave one to Roger.

  HAPGOOD: How is Roger?

  JOE: I think he's pregnant.

  HAPGOOD: Oh dear.

  JOE: Well, he's awfully fat and he only eats chocolate.

  HAPGOOD: Oh, well...

  JOE: I've got to go -

  HAPGOOD: Yes, don't miss tea - have you told Mr Clark you've lost his garage key?

  JOE: No, I mean he doesn't know I borrowed it.

  HAPGOOD: Don't tell him yet - do the grid for me. From getting up, to when you couldn't find it. You remember how we do that?

  JOE: It's all right, Mother -

  HAPGOOD: I know it's all right. Just do the grid -five minutes for every square, don't leave any out because the key is in one of them, and phone me in first break if you haven't found it.

  JOE: Yes, all right, thanks, Mum - thanks for coming -

  BLAIR: Goodbye, Joe.

  JOE: Goodbyes'a.

  HAPGOOD: Bye, darling- I'll let you know when I can come again -

  (They exchange a kiss and he runs off.)

  BLAIR: (Suddenly hearty) I say- what a jolly nice young chap! Excellent knees. You know, you should go to the Spanish Riding School some time when you're next in Vienna - really worth it.

  HAPGOOD: (Tightly) Right, fine, thanks, point taken- I sent him a postcard; sorry. Oh, sugar, Paul!

  BLAIR: I merely said-

  HAPGOOD: No, you're right, I break the rules, but I keep missing things, last time I missed him in Robin Hood even if he was only a tree, and if I can't send him a rotten postcard you can take Vienna and stick it up your -

  BLAIR: Right, fair enough -

  HAPGOOD: - jumper! Oh, fiddle! -I already run the only intelligence network in the Western world which exhibits seasonal fluctuations, and it's only a matter of time before somebody works out it's the school holidays. And now there's Ridley. Really I should pack it in.

  BLAIR: Oh, yes, Ridley. You could be right about him. It makes one wonder about that Bulgarian we lost in Paris...

  HAPGOOD: Ganchev, I thought so too. And Athens.

  BLAIR: Yes, Athens. Wates will like that one.

  HAPGOOD: It's a mess.

  BLAIR: Yes. Frankly I'd rather it were Kerner. That's just a better mousetrap. The real secrets are about intentions and deployment, and Ridley could make it shit city around here, I like the way they talk, the Americans, don't you? - no, of course you don't. What do you say when you burn your hand on a saucepan? 'Oh, sugar'?

  HAPGOOD: I don't cook.

  BLAIR: I didn't know you knew. Well, what are we going to do about Ridley? We could reel him in for a hostile interview but I'd rather catch him at it.

  HAPGOOD: Yes, that's right. We missed our chance today, we'll have to make him do it all again.

  BLAIR: (Surprised) He won't come back to the well, it's been poisoned.

  HAPGOOD: I know. It's difficult. I'll think about it. Do you want some tea? They lay it on for parents and he's entitled to two.

  BLAIR: (Shakes his head) I think I'd better get the search going inback numbers. Perhaps you could organize a relief team from eight o'clock.

  HAPGOOD: I've done that.

  BLAIR: And someone should tell Downing Street we're standing by Kerner.

  HAPGOOD: I've done that too.

  BLAIR: Well... (He nods goodbye at her.) Don't pack it in yet, I need you.

  HAPGOOD: I was calling you at the pool this morning.

  BLAIR: I was there.

  HAPGOOD: I needed you.

  BLAIR: No, no, that was only personal. But you're going to need me now.

  HAPGOOD: I'll see you tomorrow. I'll be twenty minutes late in, there's something I have to do.

  (BLAIR watches her go. The next time he moves he's in Hapgood's office giving his hat to MAGGS and taking off his overcoat.)

  SCENE 4

  HAPGOOD's office, ten a.m.

  There is a door from MAGGS's office. A window would be nice but is not necessary. There is a desk with the usual stuff including at least two telephones one of which is red. Push-button dialling. You can dial without picking up the receiver, and you can talk to MAGGS without picking up anything. There is a photograph frame on the desk, not too large. There is a safe. There is a decent old polished table big enough for six people to meet though we never need it for more than four. It might be nice to make the conference table and the desk all one thing so long as HAPGOOD doesn't look like Mussolini at work. An armchair would be useful but not if it has to be carried on. Anyway, there should be room to walk around. MAGGS is Hapgood's secretary. He is young, calm, professional.

  MAGGS: Mrs Hapgood will be late. I've told Mr Wates.

  BLAIR: Is he here? I didn't see him.

  MAGGS: He's washing his hands and can he have a word.

  BLAIR: Well, I'm here.

  MAGGS: He said to say he's washing his hands and can he have a word.

  BLAIR: Don't be silly.

  MAGGS: That's what he said. Can I get you some tea?

  BLAIR: No, I don't think so, thank you, I had some. Was that Merryweather out there?

  MAGGS: Yes, sir.

  BLAIR: Well, somebody should go and tell Mr Wates to stop washing his hands.

  MAGGS: I'll ask Mr Merryweather.

  (MAGGS takes BLAIR's hat and coat and scarf out. Under the coat BLAIR looks a bit rumpled, yesterday's shin, that sort of feeling. He has a Daily telegraph. He makes himself comfortable and opens it up. The red telephone rings. It has its own sound. BLAIR takes no notice. MAGGS hurries in.)

  BLAIR: It's the red line, I thought I wouldn't get in the way.

  MAGGS: (Into phone) Mrs Hapgood's office... oh, hello, I'msorry she isn't in... Yes, I'm fine, thanks, how are things your end?

  (WATES enters, looking terrific: suit, white shin, tie, polished shoes. The clothes are loose enough for a gun and the radio to be in there somewhere but not baggy. BLAIR gets up to greet him.)

  BLAIR: Ben! Good morning!

  WATES: Paul.

  BLAIR: Come in - sit down -

  MAGGS: (Into phone)... Uh, hold on a moment -

  BLAIR: Mrs Hapgood won't be long.

  MAGGS: (To BLAIR) Excuse me - should I... ?

  BLAIR: No, no - it's perfectly all right.

  (To WATES) Downing Street.

  WATES: Uh-huh.

  MAGGS: (Into phone, baffled) You lost Mr Clark's garage key?

  BLAIR: (Hastily) The Telegraph has got a lot better, I notice... doesn't come off on your hands the way it used to. Maggs said you were washing your hands, but he didn't say of what.

  WATES: You guys.

  BLAIR: (Cheerfully) Yes, it's wit city around here.

  WATES: No, you're funny like funny money, it doesn't mean everything it says.

  MAGGS: (Into phone) He threw your boot on the roof.

  WATES: I'm not listening.

  MAGGS: (Into phone)
Five minutes for every square. Uh-huh. One square finding Whitaker for Matron. In the toilet, all right -two squares just dossing about, all right.

  WATES: What number Downing Street?

  MAGGS: (Into phone) Oh! Have you got another coin? I'll call you straight back from my office.

  (He puts down the red phone and leaves, closing the door.)

  BLAIR: You wanted a word, I think...

  WATES: Well...

  BLAIR: ... in the washroom.

  (WATES gets up, or perhaps he hasn't sat down, his manner is restless. He picks up the photo on Hapgood's desk.)

  WATES: (Quietly) Mother.

  BLAIR: Mm?

  WATES: Ridley and the other one, Merryweather, they call her Mother.

  BLAIR: Yes.

  WATES: There's a son.

  BLAIR: There is a son but she was called Mother when she joined the Defence Liaison Committee - the tea would arrive and the Minister would say, 'Who's going to be mother?'

  WATES: She was the only woman.

  BLAIR: Yes. She's still the only woman.

  WATES: Is there a Mr Hapgood?

  BLAIR: No.

  WATES: Dead?

  BLAIR: Is this idle curiosity?

  WATES: You tell me.

  BLAIR: Hapgood is her own name. Mrs is a courtesy title. It saves a lot of explanation. Usually.

  WATES: Do you mind if I ask you something, Paul?

  BLAIR: I'm beginning to.

  (WATES puts the frame carefully back on the desk. Suddenly impatient.)

  WATES: Look, it's simple: do you know who the kid's father is or not?

  (BLAIR stares back at him, quite blank, and WATES lets it go. WATES has a complaint now.)

  She calls me Wates.

  BLAIR: It's a sort of compliment.

  WATES: It doesn't sound friendly.

  BLAIR: Mister wouldn't be friendly.

  WATES: You call me Ben.

  BLAIR: That's another sort of compliment.

  WATES: She doesn't call me Ben.

  BLAIR: That would be friendly but not necessarily a compliment.

  WATES: She calls you Paul.

  BLAIR: Yes, but we're friends.

  WATES: Can you explain this in some way I'd understand it?

  (BLAIR considers the question.)

  BLAIR: No, I don't think so.

  WATES: You guys.

  BLAIR: What did you want to talk about?

  WATES: Ridley.

  BLAIR: All right.

  WATES: You don't look surprised.

  BLAIR: It's deceptive.

  WATES: I was thinking about Ridley. Kerner delivers but Ridley intercepts. Ridley intercepts and delivers to Hapgood. Ridley and Hapgood. Hapgood and Ridley. I know the tune. You didn't tell me it was him in Athens.

  BLAIR: Oh, yes, Athens.

  WATES: Talk to me about Athens, Paul, since we're friends.

  BLAIR: Well, we targeted a radio operator in the Russian Embassy in Athens who was cheating on his wife with a local girl we put in his way, a straightforward honeytrap. Mrs Hapgood came out from London to put the squeeze on him. Ridley was at that time number three in the Athens station, he took the photographs. But it went wrong and as you know we had to pull Ridley out of Athens in a hurry.

  WATES: He killed an American agent.

  BLAIR: That isn't how I'd put it.

  WATES: How would you put it?

  BLAIR: He killed a Greek national who turned out to be on the Company payroll. Anyway, it was a sideshow. The target's wife found out he was cheating. Next thing, the KGB goons busted our Russian in the girl's flat. Simply bad luck. The girl got roughed up in the process and her pimp took it into his head that Ridley set her up. He tried to shoot Ridley on the stairs of his apartment and Ridley shot him first. Most embarrassing.

  WATES: Embarrassing?

  BLAIR: For Her Majesty's Government. It nearly cost us the Elgin Marbles.

  WATES: Look at the score. One American source dead, one Russian target blown, one honeytrap busted - that's three nothing to them, and Ridley moves on to Paris. (Pause.) Now I'm thinking about Ganchev, you remember Ganchev?

  BLAIR: Ganchev. I can't quite place him.

  WATES: Bulgarian. He was one of your joes, shot dead in Paris. He was your Bulgarian - he got blown - the Bulgarians took him out - boom! - and you can't quite place him.

  BLAIR: Oh, yes, Ganchev.

  WATES: Right, Miron Ganchev. He was Ridley's joe, wasn't he?

  BLAIR: Yes, that's right.

  WATES: He was making a meet with Ridley and he was killed in a safe house in the rue Velásquez except it wasn't a safe house any more.

  BLAIR: Yes.

  WATES: It was Ridley's meet. Two doorkeys, whoever gets there first waits for whoever gets there second. Ridley was second.

  BLAIR: I think I can see what you're getting at but unfortunately Ganchev was shot at a range of about nine inches and Ridley was in a taxi in a traffic jam on the wrong side of the river. We went into it.

  WATES: No, you don't see. Who says he was in a taxi? (Pause.)

  BLAIR: (Quietly) Ben, I really wouldn't want you to make an ass of yourself.

  WATES: Who says he was in a taxi?

  BLAIR: Fuck off.

  WATES: It was Hapgood. She was in the taxi too. And you went into it. Did you get the taxi driver? No. You had Ridley's boss.

  BLAIR: (Flares up) What is this - couldn't you sleep? This is stood on nothing: if Ridley did it, Hapgood must have alibi'd him: if Hapgood alibi'd him Ridley must have done it. You've got nothing, Ben, except insomnia.

  WATES: That's what it was. Nine p.m. Washington time I'm in Grosvenor Square, going through the whole thing again, I'm thinking about the radio signal in Kerner's briefcase. It gets to the meet, no question. Kerner delivers, Ridley collects, Ridley delivers to Hapgood. The signal goes dead.

  BLAIR: It's still insomnia.

  WATES: (Imperturbably) It's still insomnia and I'm still thinking about Kerner's bleep. It went off the air but what does that mean? Maybe it went off the air, maybe we lost the frequency, maybe it hopped frequencies, maybe there was an override, you know what I mean? I didn't believe any of it, I just wanted to get rid of these things so I could forget the bleep and think about something else. So my guy's radio-finder is sitting on the desk and I put on the phones and I tune it in... and, Paul, it was alive. It was transmitting like a bullfrog.

  BLAIR: Two o'clock in the morning?

  WATES: (Nods) I start waking people up. I have a vector on it, I need co-ordinates. By four o'clock I know which street, I know the building, I know which corner of the building, I know how high up the building within eight feet, I mean, shit, I know which room. It was coming from this office. The bleep has come back home. It's here.

  BLAIR: Why didn't you wake me?

  WATES: Where were you sleeping?

  (Pause)

  BLAIR: Where is she now?

  WATES: You're asking me?

  BLAIR: (Snaps) Yes, I'm asking you.

  WATES: Excuse me.

  (He takes the radio out of his coat.)

  (To radio) Wates - who's in the Toyota?

  RADIO: Collins, sir.

  WATES: Where're you at?

  RADIO: Outside. Target is home.

  (WATES puts the radio back in his pocket.)

  WATES: She just walked in.

  BLAIR: Good.

  WATES: We should hold back a little, feel this thing out.

  BLAIR: Don't worry. Incidentally, where did she go this morning?

  WATES: Shopping.

  BLAIR: Shopping.

  WATES: As I say, it makes sense to hold back, Paul, give her a little room, you understand me?

  BLAIR: Of course.

  (The door opens and HAPGOOD enters briskly. She has her shopping with her. There is a Lillywhites' carrier bag and a little Fortnum's bag.)

  HAPGOOD: Good morning! - Paul - Wates -

  BLAIR: Good morning! - Guess what - Kerner's bleep came alive in the night, it
seems to be coming from your office.

  WATES: Aw, shit.

  HAPGOOD: Golly, Wates.

  WATES: I meant golly.

  HAPGOOD: Sit down.

  WATES: I've been sitting, I like standing, ma'am.

  (MAGGS enters. He comes from the outer office with stuff for HAPGOOD's attention; a wooden tray [shallow box] overflowing with open letters, memos, etc., and a separate lot of sensitive material which might even be in a little attache case or a closable file. The tray is put on the desk; it's the other lot of stuff which HAPGOOD looks through first.)

  MAGGS: Good morning. Do you want to see the decrypts?

  (HAPGOOD is behind her desk. BLAIR has sat down again where he was sitting, and WATES probably stays standing. MAGGS stands.)

  HAPGOOD: (To MAGGS) Thank you. Anything else?

  MAGGS: Joe telephoned. I wrote down the grid.

  HAPGOOD: Thank you - don't go.

  (To WATES) What time, Wates?

  WATES: One fifty - two o'clock...

  HAPGOOD: Uh-huh.

  (She has scooped the decrypts, etc., out of their case. MAGGS gets the case. HAPGOOD starts going through the pile of stuff. There's not very much of it. But unless otherwise stated she is reading the material continuously, making notes on pages which one by one go back to MAGGS and back into the case. She reads while she listens and she also reads while she talks to WATES. But for BLAIR she looks up.)

  (To BLAIR) Did you see this from the Listeners?

  BLAIR: Mm. I'll believe it when it happens.

  HAPGOOD: (To WATES) It was alive when you checked, so you don't know when it came on air.

  WATES: That's right.

  HAPGOOD: (To MAGGS) This one to Special Branch in the pouch. This one to the Russian Desk by hand.

  (To WATES) And you got a triangulation and the beams crossed in this office.

  WATES: Yes, ma'am.

  HAPGOOD: Is it still giving out?

  WATES: As far as I know.

  HAPGOOD: And you would know, wouldn't you?

  (It is clear now that he is not popular with her this morning.)

  (Icy) Why didn't you call me?

  (He doesn't reply so she gives him a glance.) Yes, I see.

  (She bangs a few buttons on her telephone console and then lifts the handset.)

  (Into phone) Get me the form on a white Toyota -