Homesick

by Nino Cipri

  But what did I care about later? I was going into a time machine. I asked you, “Where are we going?”

  You replied, “To visit Dara. Just a quick trip.”

  There was something cold in your voice. I recognized the tone, the same you used when trying to talk me into wearing the new dress you’d bought me for church, or telling me to stop tearing through the house and play quietly for once.

  In the shelter, you helped me undress, though it made me feel hotly embarrassed and strange to be naked in front of you. I’d grown wary of my own body in the last few months, the way it was changing: I’d been dismayed by the way my nipples had grown tender, at the fatty flesh that budded beneath them. It seemed like a betrayal.

  I hunched my shoulders and covered my privates, though you barely glanced at my naked skin. You helped me lie down in the capsule, showed me how to pull the round mask over my nose and mouth, attach the clip that went over my index finger. Finally, you lifted one of my arms up and wrapped a black cuff around the crook of my elbow. I noticed, watching you, that you had bitten all of your nails down to the quick, and the edges were jagged and tender-looking.

  “You program your destination date in here, you see?” You tapped a square of black glass on the ceiling of the capsule, and it lit up at the touch. Your fingers flew across the screen, typing directly onto it, rearranging colored orbs that seemed to attach themselves to your finger.

  “You’ll learn how to do this on your own eventually,” you said. The screen, accepting whatever you’d done to it, blinked out and went black again.

  I breathed through my mask. A whisper of air blew against my skin, a rubbery, stale, lemony scent.

  “Don’t be scared,” you said. “I’ll be there when you wake up. I’m sending myself back a little earlier, so I’ll be there to help you out of the capsule.”

  You kissed me on the forehead and shut the door. I was left alone in the dark as the walls around me started to hum.

  Calling it “the fastening” does it a disservice. It’s much more painful than that. Granny Emmeline is tougher than I’ll ever be, if she thought it was just like forcing a button into place.

  For me, it felt like being crushed in a vise lined with broken glass and nails. I understood, afterward, why you had forbidden me from eating or drinking for twenty-four hours. I would have vomited in the mask, shat myself inside the capsule. I came back to myself in the dark, wild with terror and the phantom sensations of that awful pain.

  The door opened. The light needled into my eyes, and I screamed, trying to cover them.

  Hands reached in and pushed me down, and eventually, I registered your voice in my ear, though not what you were saying. I stopped flailing long enough for all the straps and cuffs to be undone, and then I was pulled out of the capsule. You held me in your arms, rocking and soothing me, rubbing my back as I cried hysterically onto your shoulder.

  When my sobs died away to hiccups, I realized that we weren’t alone in the shelter. Dara was with us as well, and she had thrown a blanket over my shoulders.

  “Jesus, Miriam,” she said, over and over. “What the hell were you thinking?”

  I found out later that I was the youngest person in my family to ever make a jump. Traditionally, they made their first jumps on their seventeenth birthday. I was nearly five years shy.

  You smoothed back a lock of my hair, and I saw that all your fingernails had lost their ragged edges. Instead, they were rounded and smooth, topped with little crescents of white.

  ***

  Uncle Dante told me it wasn’t unusual for two members of the family to be lovers, especially if there were generational gaps between them. It helped to avoid romantic entanglements with people who were bound to linear lives, at least until one of us was ready to settle down for a number of years and raise children. Pregnancy didn’t mix well with time travel. It was odder to do what you had done: settle down with someone who was, as Dara liked to put it, stuck in the slow lane of linear time.

  Dara told me about the two of you, eventually; that you’d been lovers before you met Dad, before you settled down with him in 1947. And that when she started visiting us in 1955, she wasn’t sleeping alone in the guest bedroom.

  I’m not sure if I was madder at her or you at the time, though I’ve since forgiven her. Why wouldn’t I? You’ve left both of us, and it’s a big thing, to have that in common.

  ***

  1981 is colored silver, beige, bright orange, deep brown. It feels like the afghan blanket Dara kept on my bed while I recovered from my first jump, some kind of cheap fake wool. It tastes like chicken soup and weak tea with honey and lime Jell-O.

  And for a few days, at least, 1981 felt like a low-grade headache that never went away, muscle spasms that I couldn’t always control, dry mouth, difficulty swallowing. It smelt like a lingering olfactory hallucination of frying onions. It sounded like a ringing in my ears.

  “So you’re the unnamed baby, huh?” Dara said, that first morning when I woke up. She was reading a book, and she set it down next to her on the couch.

  I was disoriented: you and Dara had placed me in the southeast bedroom, the same one I slept in all through my childhood. (The same one I’m recovering in right now.) I’m not sure if you thought it would comfort me, to wake up to familiar surroundings. It was profoundly strange, to be in my own bedroom but have it be so different: the striped wallpaper replaced with avocado green paint; a loveseat with floral upholstering where my dresser had been; all my posters of Buck Rogers and Superman replaced with framed paintings of unfamiliar artwork.

  “Dara?” I said. She seemed different, colder. Her hair was shorter than the last time I’d seen her, and she wore a pair of thick-framed glasses.

  She cocked her head. “That’d be me. Nice to meet you.”

  I blinked at her, still disoriented and foggy. “We met before,” I said.

  She raised her eyebrows, like she couldn’t believe I was so dumb. “Not by my timeline.”

  Right. Time travel.

  You rushed in then. You must have heard us talking. You crouched down next to me and stroked the hair back from my face.

  “How are you feeling?” you asked.

  I looked down at your fingernails, and saw again that they were smooth, with a hint of white at the edges. Dara told me later that you’d arrived two days before me, just so you two could have some time to be together. After all, the two of you had parted ways only a few weeks before, by Dara’s timeline. You had some catching up to do.

  “All right, I guess,” I told you.

  ***

  Those first few days, it felt like the worst family vacation. Dara was distant with me and downright cold to you. I caught snippets of the arguments you had with Dara—always whispered in doorways, or downstairs in the kitchen, the words too faint for me to make out.

  It got a little better once I was back on my feet, able to walk around and explore. I was astonished by everything: the walnut trees on our property that I had known as saplings now towered over me. Dara’s television was twice the size of ours, in color, and had over a dozen stations. Dara’s car seemed tiny and shaped like a snake’s head, instead of the generous curves and lines of the cars I knew.

  I think it charmed Dara out of her anger a bit, to see me so appreciative of all these futuristic wonders—which were all relics of the past for her—and the conversations between the three of us got a little bit easier. Dara told me a little bit more about where she’d come from—the late twenty-first century—and why she was in this time—studying with some poet I’d never heard of. She showed me the woman’s poetry, and though I couldn’t make much of it out at the time, one line has always stuck with me. “I did not recognize the shape of my own name.”

  I pondered that, lying awake in my bedroom, the once and future bedroom that I’m writing this from now, that I slept in then, that I awoke in when I was a young child, frightened by a storm.

  The rest of that poem made little sense to me, but
I know about names, and hearing the one that’s been given to you, and not recognizing it. I was trying to stammer this out to Dara one night, after she’d read that poem to me. And she asked, plain as could be, “What would you rather be called instead?”

  I thought about how I used to introduce myself like the heroes of the TV shows my father and I watched: Doc and George and Charlie. It had been a silly game, but there’d been something more serious underneath it. I’d recognized something in the shape of those names, something I wanted for myself.

  “I dunno. A boy’s name,” I said. “Like George in the Famous Five.”

  “Well, why do you want to be called by a boy’s name?” Dara asked gently.

  In the corner, where you’d been playing solitaire, you paused while laying down a card. Dara noticed too, and we both looked over at you. I cringed, wondering what you were about to say; you hated that I didn’t like my name.

  But you said nothing, just resumed playing, slapping the cards down a little more heavily than before.

  ***

  I forgive you for drugging me to take me back to 1963. I know I screamed at you after we arrived and the drugs wore off, but I was also a little relieved. It was a sneaking sort of relief, and didn’t do much to counterbalance the feelings of betrayal and rage, but I know I would have panicked the second you shoved me into one of those capsules.

  You’d taken me to the future, after all. I’d seen the relative wonders of 1981: VHS tapes, the Flash Gordon movie, the Columbia Space Shuttle. I would have forgiven you so much for that tiny glimpse.

  I don’t forgive you for leaving me, though. I don’t forgive you for the morning after, when I woke up in my old familiar bedroom and padded downstairs for a bowl of cereal and found, instead, a note that bore two words in your handwriting: I’m sorry.

  The note rested atop the gilt-edged book that Grandma Emmeline had started as a diary, and that Uncle Dante had turned into both a record and a set of instructions for future generations: the names, birthdates, and locations for all the traveling members of our family; who lived in the house and when; and sometimes, how and when a person died. The book stays with the house; you must have kept it hidden in the attic.

  I flipped through it until I found your name: Miriam Guthrie (nee Stone): born November 21, 1977, Harrisburg, IL. Next to it, you penciled in the following.

  Jumped forward to June 22, 2321 CE, and will die in exile beyond reach of the anachronopede.

  Two small words could never encompass everything you have to apologize for.

  ***

  I wonder if you ever looked up Dad’s obituary. I wonder if you were even able to, if the record for one small man’s death even lasts that long.

  When you left, you took my father’s future with you. He was stuck in the slow lane of linear time, and for Dad, the future he’d dreamed of must have receded into the distance, something he’d never be able to reach.

  He lost his job in the fall of 1966, as the White County oil wells ran dry, and hanged himself in the garage six months later. Dara cut him down and called the ambulance. Her visits became more regular after you left us. She must have known the day he would die.

  (I can’t bring myself to ask her: couldn’t she have arrived twenty minutes earlier and stopped him? I don’t want to know her answer.)

  In that obituary, I’m first in the list of those who survived him, and it’s the last time I used the name you gave me. During the funeral, I nodded, received hugs and handshakes from Dad’s cousins and friends, bowed my head when the priest instructed, prayed hard for his soul. When it was done, I walked alone to the pond where the two of us had sat together, watching birds and talking about the plots of silly television shows. I tried to remember everything that I could about him, trying to preserve his ghost against the vagaries of time: the smell of Camel cigarettes and diesel on his clothes, the red-blond stubble that dotted his jaw, the way his eyes brightened when they landed on you.

  I wished so hard that you were there with me. I wanted to cry on your shoulder, to sob as hard and hysterically as I had when you took me to 1981. I wanted to be able to slap you, hit you, to push you in the water and hold you beneath the surface. I could have killed you that day.

  When I was finished, Dara took me back to the house. We cleaned it as best we could for the next family member who would live here. There always has to be a member of the Stone family here, to take care of the shelter, the anachronopede, and the travelers who come through.

  Then she took me away, to 2073, the home she’d made more than a century away from you.

  ***

  Today was the first day I was able to leave the house, to take cautious, wobbling steps to the outside world. Everything is still tender and bruised, though my body is healing faster than I ever thought possible. It feels strange to walk with a weight between my legs; I walk differently, with a wider stride, even though I’m still limping.

  Dara and I walked down to the pond today. The frogs all hushed at our approach, but the blackbirds set up a racket. And off in the distance, a heron lifted a cautious foot and placed it down again. Its beak darted into the water and came back up with a wriggling fish, which it flipped into its mouth. I suppose it was satisfied with that, because it crouched down, spread its wings, and then jumped into the air, enormous wings fighting against gravity until it rose over the trees.

  Three days before my surgery, I went back to you. The pain of it is always the same, like I’m being torn apart and placed back together with clumsy, inexpert fingers, but by now I’ve gotten used to it. I wanted you to see me as the man I’ve always known I am, the man I slowly became. And I wanted to see if I could forgive you—if I could look at you and see anything besides my father’s slow decay, my own broken and betrayed heart.

  I knocked at the door, dizzy, ears ringing, shivering, soaked from the storm that was so much worse than I remembered. I was lucky that you or Dara had left a blanket in the shelter so I didn’t have to walk up to the front door naked, my flat, scarred chest at odds with my wide hips, the thatch of pubic hair with no flesh protruding from it. I’d been on hormones for a year, and this second puberty reminded me so much of my first one, with you in 1963: the acne and the awkwardness, the slow reveal of my future self.

  You answered the door with your hair in curlers, just as I remembered, and fetched me one of Dad’s old robes. I fingered the monogramming at the breast pocket, and I wished, so hard, that I could walk upstairs and see him.

  “What the hell,” you said. “I thought the whole family knew these years were off limits while I’m linear.”

  You didn’t quite recognize me, and you tilted your head.

  “Have we met before?”

  I looked you in the eye, and my voice cracked when I told you I was your son.

  Your hand went to your mouth. “I’ll have a son?” you asked.

  And I told you the truth: “You have one already.”

  Your hand went to your gut, as if you would be sick. You shook your head so hard that your curlers started coming loose. That’s when the door creaked open, just a crack. You flew over there and yanked it all the way open, snatching the child up in your arms. I barely caught a glimpse of my own face looking back at me as you carried my childself up the stairs.

  I left before I could introduce myself to you. My name is Heron, Mama. I haven’t forgiven you yet, but maybe someday I will. And when I do, I will travel back one last time, to that night you left me and Dad for the future. I’ll tell you that your apology has finally been accepted, and I will give you my blessing to live in exile, marooned in a future beyond all reach.

  NOT AN OCEAN, BUT THE SEA

  Nadia found the ocean behind the Swedish assholes’ couch during her weekly cleaning. She had followed a small trail of sand to the eastern wall with the vacuum, and when she’d moved the couch to vacuum underneath it, there was the ocean, snuggled right up to the wall. A fresh wind blew off it, stirring the curtains: the smell of salt and mud.r />
  The Swedish assholes’ stupid cat jumped up on the couch and stared down at the ocean like he could see beneath the surface: the fish, the plankton, the sharks and all. His tail twitched.

  Nadia had dubbed these particular clients “the Swedish assholes” for many reasons, most prominently because they insisted she use their vacuum. Their vacuum was an awful, rattling hunk of junk with a hose that connected directly to air vents installed in the walls of their high-rise. It was nearly impossible to reach all the floors with it. But they’d had it mail-ordered from a Swedish design company and insisted it was better than hers, which had been purchased from a cousin’s appliance store and was kept in perfect working order.

  The ocean behind the couch, she thought, had probably not been ordered from IKEA or Electrolux.

  Nadia cleaned houses because the money was decent and she could do it alone. She was forty-eight, Ukrainian, had never been very beautiful, and had outlived most of her family. Sometimes she stole the loose coins from the bedrooms she cleaned, not for the money but for the thrill. She was not a woman given to romance or fancy, but sometimes thought she should have been the witch in a fairytale, alone in the forest except when she wanted to make mischief for men. If she was honest, though, she lacked the imagination to be a witch. Mischief didn’t come naturally to her.

  “Shoo,” Nadia said to the cat. He bent his ears back and glared and didn’t move until she waved the vacuum’s upholstery attachment at him. Nadia moved the couch back into place and continued vacuuming. There was much left to clean in the Swedish assholes’ apartment. She hadn’t even started on the kitchen, where the many chrome gadgets were always splattered with sauces. God save her from rich people who thought they knew how to cook.

  Nadia mostly forgot about the incident until the next week, when she again had to move the couch to vacuum. It always caught her off guard. Nadia would see the sand first, then catch the smell, and remember: of course, the Swedish assholes had an ocean under their couch.