I squeezed her to me and looked down at her half-asleep. Her eyes flickered open for half a moment and focused on mine, and I lifted her chin, stealing another kiss from her.
“Mmm, you’re so beautiful,” I murmured, and she closed her eyes and hugged me tighter.
“Love you, José.” She sighed contentedly after she spoke and fell right back to sleep.
I, on the other hand, froze. The words she’d said as she’s drifted off were swirling around and around in my head.
When I could stand it no more, I climbed from the bed and went downstairs. I walked out of the house and went to sit on the deck overlooking the lake. I only had on pajama bottoms, and I shivered in the cool May air. Shit! This was my fault. I should never have suggested we go away together. While we had been here, I’d dropped my guard, and we’d both fallen into something that was different than we had back at the apartment. I’d felt it happen, even kidded myself that it didn’t matter, that it was just one weekend, and then we’d go back to our normal routine. I’d kind of liked the new familiarity between us, too, even reveled in it. But God, I should have taken more care. I really shouldn’t have confused things between us.
I rubbed my face. Those words she had said when she was half asleep made a difference, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to cross the line I’d drawn between us. God damn it, how did I not see this coming? We’d been doing this thing for five and a half months, and as much as I loved being with her, it had to come to an end.
My heart sank into my stomach. This was the wrong time. I couldn’t do this now. I had stuff lined up for the summer, trials to go to. Trials that might put me on an NHL team. I might not even continue next academic year, if my luck held, and I got picked up. I could end up living at the opposite end of the country. Starting something more serious with Nora wasn’t an option for me right now.
I looked back up at the house. From my vantage point, I could see the room we had shared all this weekend. At the window, Nora stood looking down at me. She was too far away to read her expression, but I could tell from her posture that she knew why I was outside.
The drive home from the lake was quiet. Neither of us said much. For most of the way, I was stuck in my own head, trying to figure out how I could end things. After spending a fitful night tossing and turning on the couch, I’d woken up knowing this was the end of us.
When we reached our apartment, I pulled on the parking brake and looked back across at her. She had tears in her eyes, and my heart ached.
“I’m sorry… for ruining everything.” Her words came out in a sob, and I wanted to just grab her and pull her into my arms, but I didn’t.
I couldn’t prolong things. It wouldn’t be fair to her if I gave her hope. This was the wrong time, and as much as it broke my heart, it was what I had to do.
“I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to…”
The tears rolled down her cheek. “I know. And I know you don’t want to hear this, but I always loved you, and… I think I always will.” She pushed open the car door and jumped out. Thrusting her hands in her pockets, she looked down at her feet. “I think I’m actually going to take a walk.”
Jeez, I’m such a fucking coward. I just watched her walk away. I climbed out of the car and couldn’t take my eyes off of her until she had disappeared down the hill. Then I grabbed my stuff from the car and went inside.
Kai was watching TV in the living room. “Hey José, how was your trip? Did you see Charlie at all? I saw him play the Predator’s game last night…”
It took me a moment to remember the ruse I had made up for being gone all weekend. Telling him I was going to visit Charlie and Mia had seemed the most plausible excuse. “Yeah,” I lied. “Actually, we drove over to Chicago to watch him play.” I knew Mia would have gone for his big debut, and hoped Kai wouldn’t quiz me anymore.
He got up from the chair and grinned at me. “He’s done good, our boy, hasn’t he?”
I nodded. “Yeah, he has.”
“It might be you next season. Coach said you’ve been called for some tryouts.”
“Well, let’s not jinx things. I haven’t even gotten there yet.”
He slapped me on my back. “I have some news myself.”
“You do?”
“The Kings requested my tapes.”
“Fuck, that’s big man.”
“Yeah, I know. Just hope they like what they see and invite me to their training camp.”
I pulled him in for a bear hug. “We can make it. No… we are going to make it.”
Kai grinned back. “You want to celebrate with a beer?”
“Definitely.”
Nora came back a few hours later, and by then, I’d broken my rule of only having two drinks. I was a little tipsy, and the table was littered with empty beer bottles. Her eyes landed on me as she walked in through the door, and, for one second, I wanted to tell her I’d made a mistake. But neither my mouth nor my body could find the courage to tell her or go to her, and instead, I watched her walk down the hallway to her room.
That night, I slept alone for the first time in more than five months. The bed felt too large and lonely, so I spent half the night in the chair at my desk, my mind racing, trying to convince myself things were better this way.
One sleepless night turned into two, then three, and a month later, I was still having problems sleeping. I reorganized my room, paring down everything in there, making sure everything was back in its place. The insomnia was no worse than it had been before Nora and I started our nightly rendezvous, and it seemed to be triggered by the same old things. I went back to doing laundry every day, and spent hours scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom.
The team was still winning, but my game felt off. It was harder to get those Ws and our backup goalie appeared a few times too often in my goal. But it didn’t seem to matter what I did to turn my luck around, nothing worked.
As the horn blew on the last game of the post season tournament, my team narrowly missed clinching the trophy. We’d all fought hard for it, but it wasn’t to be. Even though it was a one goal decision, I couldn’t help feeling that somehow, this was my fault.
I looked up into the stands and found Nora wasn’t there, again. My fucking good luck charm had abandoned me at the games, and at our apartment she avoided me. That was my fault, too. I’d fucked things up between us, and I didn’t even have the courage to admit it to myself.
Sixteen
Nora
I woke up feeling like shit, which for me seemed to be the new normal. Yesterday evening I had felt terrible, too, so bad I couldn’t go watch the game. It was nothing I could put my finger on. I was just so tired all the time, and kept having extreme bouts of nausea. I was beginning to wonder if that food poisoning had been hanging around my system and turned into something more serious. I lost so much weight, because I could barely eat anything without throwing it back up.
“Jeez, Nora, you look like shit.”
“Thanks, Angie, I know. I feel twice as bad as I look.” I slid into the chair at the kitchen table and put my head in my hands. I could smell the coffee she was brewing, and it was turning my stomach sour, which was so weird, because I usually loved the smell of coffee.
She sat down next to me. “You need to go see the doctor. This has been going on for weeks.”
This was also something I knew. “I’m just trying to get through my exams, then I will. The last one is today.”
“Well, promise me you will. Maybe you have mono or something. I think I heard of three people that have had that in the last few months.
“Hmm, that would make sense. I have barely enough energy to get out of bed.”
“Do you have a fever?”
I shook my head. Thankfully, that was a symptom I didn’t have.
“Hmm, I’m not sure if that rules out mono or not. Promise me you will go after class?”
“I will.” My mind, as usual, wondered to José. I’d been trying not to dwell on what happened between us. I
t was, after all, the outcome I had expected. I knew what I’d signed up for, but right at that moment I’d give anything for him to put his arms around me and look out for me like he had when I had food poisoning. “How did the game go? Are we champions?”
Angie looked down at her cup and shook her head. “Sadly, no. Kai and José are feeling pretty miserable, but, honestly, they played well. They were just unlucky. The opposition had a fluky goal in the first five minutes, and it didn’t matter how many shots we took, none of them would squeeze past their goalie. Sometimes, I don’t understand this game. Kai is moping around like they are losers, but they won the season by a huge margin, and came in second in the tournament.”
I sighed. I’d grown up with hockey, unlike Angie, who only discovered it when she began dating Kai. “No one remembers who comes in second, Angie.” For a moment, the nausea subsided, and I decided to make some toast. I sipped on some water while I waited for it to cook. For the last week, the only thing I have gotten down was dry toast and water.
After eating, I felt a little better and took a shower, but my head was full of the boys’ disappointment. Guilt added to my symptoms. I missed a few games over the last week or two, and I couldn’t help wondering if it was my fault they lost. I had heard through the grapevine that José hadn’t played so well in the post season, and he always put so much conviction in me being at all of the home games. I knew he took his routines seriously, and if he believed I was the key to his success, then my absence could have caused the team to lose.
My last exam dragged, but I got through it, despite still feeling unwell. I think I did a good job though, but only time would tell. Over all, I felt pretty confident about acing my courses this semester. When I came out of the testing room, I noticed José across the courtyard. He was waiting with Kai and a bunch of others for the door to his exam to open. His eyes drifted to me, and he smiled and waved his hand.
I had no idea how he did it, but every time I saw him, I wanted to cry. A wave of sadness caught me off guard, and I had to rush off so he didn’t see me burst into tears.
That was another thing I had been doing a lot recently. Honestly, I felt like I had been on my period for a couple of weeks because I couldn’t keep a hold of my emotions.
Suddenly, I stopped in the middle of the walkway and three students piled into the back of me. I had to shuffle to the side out of their way, apologizing. A terrible thought hit me, and I dug around inside my bag for my phone. As I opened up the calendar, my heart sunk as I flipped backwards through the days.
How the hell did I not notice this? I am fucking late. Not a day or two, but seventeen days!
The nausea, the lethargy… it was all becoming clear to me. I am pregnant!
The wand in my hand confirmed my worst fears. Shit. Double shit! I looked at the word “Pregnant” in the little window of the pregnancy test stick. I’d chosen a top of the line test that boasted there could be no confusion. It had some ludicrously high accuracy rate, but as I sat on the toilet of a café downtown staring at it, I hoped I was confused and it was inaccurate.
José and I used condoms only a couple of times, on that first night and the second time we slept with each other, but after that, I didn’t feel it was necessary because I was already using birth control. Honestly, it hadn’t really even been a conscious decision as we had really just forgotten to use them in the heat of everything. God, how stupid was I not even considering this? If we had, then we would have had a backup, and I would not be pregnant.
But I shouldn’t be, anyway. I’d taken my birth control every day. I was damn religious about it. I had never been behind. My stomach cramped, and I jumped up and turned around, just in time for my stomach to empty into the bowl. Shit, shit, shit! The food poisoning. For two days, I’d vomited up everything I put in my stomach, including my morning pills!
As the contents of my stomach emptied once more, I vaguely remembered being warned about that fact by my doctor. Flushing the toilet, I cleaned up and walked back into the café in a daze. I was feeling lightheaded again as my mind tried to process everything.
“Hey, Nora, you okay?” Raul appeared in front of me, and as I looked up, he started to swim around in front of my eyes. “Um, yeah.” The room tilted, and I thought I was going to fall over. “I need to sit…”
When I came around again, my head was in Raul’s lap and I was laying on my back on the floor. Several people stared down at me with concerned looks on their faces. I was mortified and tried to get up, but Raul’s hands gently pressed me back down. “Lie still. You fainted, just give yourself a few minutes.”
All the attention I caused made me burst into tears, and I hid my face behind my hands. “Give her some space. Can someone bring her some sweet tea, or something to get her blood sugar up?”
Everyone went back to their tables as Raul helped me to my feet and into a nearby chair. Raul frowned at me. “When did you last eat, Nora?”
“This morning, um, seven I think.”
“And what did you have?”
“Huh, I don’t know, about half a slice of toast.”
“Jesus.” He looked over his shoulder and called to the girl at the counter. “Bring me one of those scones as well as the sweet tea, would you?”
Both items appeared next to me a few seconds later. He pushed the plate in front of me. “Here, eat. Your blood sugar is probably really low. Honestly, Nora, you need to eat more. You have lost weight.” His eyes widened. “Are you deliberately starving yourself? Are you doing some crazy diet?”
I gingerly took a bite out of the cake and the sweet dry texture actually tasted good, and for once my stomach didn’t protest at me feeding it. “No.” I said defensively as I took another bite to prove it. “I-I just haven’t been feeling well. I’ve had this stomach bug, and it put me off food.”
“How long has this been going on? You need a checkup. Eat up, and I’ll take you straight to the clinic.”
I wanted to say no, but my common sense kicked in, and instead I whispered, “Thanks, that is really kind of you.”
On the drive back from the doctor’s, I was feeling spaced out. There was no confusion, and there was no inaccuracy in the home test result. It was official–I was stupid.
I didn’t even realize we had arrived at my apartment until Raul put his hand gently on my shoulder. “This isn’t the stomach flu, is it?”
It was possible that I had lost the power of speech, because all I could do was shake my head. He looked at me with earnest eyes. “Is this something serious, Nora? Do you want me to call your family or friends?”
It was comforting that he didn’t ask me directly what was wrong, but I had this all-consuming need to voice my news to someone. Over the next few months, I was going to have to get pretty damn used to it, so I might as well get started.
“I’m pregnant.”
Raul played it cool. He didn’t look shocked or surprised, but kept his expression neutral. “And how do you feel about that?”
“A little surprised, and a whole lot of stupid for letting it happen.” I looked down at my hands.
“How do you think the father will react?”
Glancing up at him, I was reminded of how much he resembled José. The genes in the Estrada family were so strong. At Mia’s wedding, all the cousins looked like they’d popped out of the same pod. I wondered if the baby I was carrying would follow on with that trait. Would I always see the baby’s father in his or her face? Would I always be reminded of what a fool I was?
“I’m not going to tell him since we aren’t dating anymore. Actually,” I blushed, because I knew just how bad this would sound, “we never dated.”
Raul still didn’t judge me; he just took my hand and squeezed it. “Don’t rule that out. He should know, and he should damn well own up to the responsibility. Down the road, you are going to need help, financially, I mean. Whoever is the father needs to provide for his kid, too.”
My heart constricted tightly, like I was about to hav
e a heart attack. There was no way I could put this on José. He’d made it very clear from the start that he wanted a no-strings-attached relationship. Jeez, a baby… that was the definition of strings! It would shackle him, and he would come to hate us both. I knew this to be true because the moment I had told him I loved him, it had sent him running to the hills.
“I think it is best if I do this alone. My family will help me.” Oh, God! What would my dad say? This would cause one hell of a wrench between us, but deep down, I knew after he got over his disappointment, he wouldn’t abandon me and the baby. He’d see to it that we were both cared for.
There was another squeeze to my hand. “If I can do anything, Nora, please reach out to me.”
That started the tears rolling again, and I wondered why I had chosen José over the kind man sitting next to me. He wouldn’t have fled if I’d told him I loved him, and if he was the father of my baby, I would not even be contemplating doing this alone.
“I-I need some time. You won’t tell anyone about this, will you?”
“Of course not, Nora. Your secret is safe with me. And like I said, you have my number if you need to talk while you are figuring things out, I’m a good listener.”
“Thank you, Raul. That means so much to me.”
He stared at me for a moment, then cleared his throat. “If... if you need someone to go with you to any appointments, you know, if you feel you can’t do this by yourself, I’ll go with you.”
His kindness was too much, and I burst into more tears. Raul put his arm around me, and pressed my head to his shoulder. “I’m not afraid of tears, either. You just cry them all out.”
Shut Out: Contemporary Sport Romance (Hockey Boyz Book 3) Page 11
