Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War

by Finley Peter Dunne

  "'Tis th' other way about now. Did ye iver know a man be th' name ivAhearn? Ye did not? Well, maybe he was befure yer time. He was a cobblerbe thrade; but he picked up money be livin' off iv leather findings an'wooden pegs, an' bought pieces iv th' prairie, an' starved an' boughtmore, an' starved an' starved till his heart was shrivelled up like awasherwoman's hand. But he made money. An' th' more he made, th' more hewanted, an', wantin' nawthin' more, it come to him fr'm the divvle, whokept th' curse f'r his own time. This man Ahearn, whin he had acres an'acres on Halsted Sthreet, an' tinants be th' scoor that prayed at nightsf'r him that he might live long an' taste sorrow, he marrid a girl. Hername was Ryan, a little, scared, foolish woman; an' she died whin a boywas bor-rn. Ahearn give her a solemn rayqueem high mass an' a monumentat Calv'ry that ye can see fr'm th' fun'ral thrain. An' he come fr'm th'fun'ral with th' first smile on his face that anny man iver see there,an' th' baby in his ar-rms.

  "I'll not say Ahearn was a changed man. Th' love iv money was knittedinto his heart; an', afther th' la-ad come, th' way he ground th' peoplethat lived in his house was death an' destruction. 'I must provide f'rme own,' he said. But thim that was kind to th' kid cud break th' crust,an' all th' r-rough, hard-wurrkin' tenants paid f'r th' favors he giveto th' ol' frauds an' beguilin' women that petted Dan'l O'ConnellAhearn. Nawthin' was too good f'r th' kid. He had nurses an' servants towait on him. He had clothes that'd stock this ba-ar f'r a year. Whin hewas old enough, he was sint to Saint Ignatyous. An' th' ol' man'd takehim walkin' on a Sundah, an' pint out th' rows an' rows iv houses, withth' childher in front gazin' in awe at th' great man an' their fathersglowerin' fr'm the windows, an' say, 'Thim will all be yours whin yegrow up, Dan'l O'Connell, avick.'

  "Well, it didn't take an eye iv a witch to see that Dan'l O'Connell wasa bor-rn idjet. They was no rale harm in th' poor la-ad, on'y he waslazy an' foolish an' sort iv tired like. To make a long story short,Hinnissy, his father thried ivrything f'r him, an' got nawthin.' Hedidn't dhrink much, he cared little f'r women, he liked to play ca-ards,but not f'r money. He did nawthin' that was bad; an' yet he was no goodat all, at all,--just a slow, tired, aisy-goin', shamblin' la-ad,--th'sort that'd wrench th' heart iv a father like Ahearn. I dinnaw what hedid fin'lly, but wan night he come into my place an' said he'd beenturned out be his father an' wanted a place f'r to sleep. 'Ye'll sleepat home,' says I. 'Ye'er father sh'd take shame to himsilf,--him a richman.' An' I put on me coat, an' wint over to Ahearn's. I was a power inth' wa-ard in thim days, an' feared no man alive. Th' ol' la-ad met usat th' dure. Whin I started to speak, he blazed up. 'Misther Dooley,'says he, 'my sorrows are me own. I'll keep thim here. As f'r ye,' hesays, an' tur-rned like a tiger on th' boy an' sthruck him with his ol'leathery hand. Th' boy stood f'r a minyit, an' thin walked out, me withhim. I niver see him since. We left Ahearn standin' there, as we used tosay iv th' fox in th' ol' counthry, cornered between th' river an' th'wall."

  "Ye're lucky to be alone," said Mr. Hennessy as he left.

  "I think so," said Mr. Dooley. But there was no content upon his face ashe watched a lounging oaf of a boy catch up with Mr. Hennessy, exchangea curtly affectionate greeting, and walk over to where Mrs. Hennessycould be seen reading the "Key of Heaven" beside the parlor stove.

  ON CRIMINALS.

  "Lord bless my sowl," said Mr. Dooley, "childher is a gr-reatrisponsibility,--agr-reat risponsibility. Whin I think iv it, I praiseth' saints I niver was married, though I had opporchunities enough whinI was a young man; an' even now I have to wear me hat low whin I go downbe Cologne Sthreet on account iv th' Widow Grogan. Jawn, that woman'lltake me dead or alive. I wake up in a col' chill in th' middle iv th'night, dhreamin' iv her havin' me in her clutches.

  "But that's not here or there, avick. I was r-readin' in th' pa-apers iva lad be th' name iv Scanlan bein' sint down th' short r-road f'r near alifetime; an' I minded th' first time I iver see him,--a bit iv acurly-haired boy that played tag around me place, an' 'd sing 'BlestSaint Joseph' with a smile on his face like an angel's. Who'll tell whatmakes wan man a thief an' another man a saint? I dinnaw. This here boy'sfather wur-rked fr'm morn till night in th' mills, was at early massSundah mornin' befure th' alkalis lit th' candles, an' niver knowed amonth whin he failed his jooty. An' his mother was a sweet-faced littlewoman, though fr'm th' County Kerry, that nursed th' sick an' waked th'dead, an' niver had a hard thought in her simple mind f'r anny iv Gawd'screatures. Poor sowl, she's dead now. May she rest in peace!

  "He didn't git th' shtreak fr'm his father or fr'm his mother. Hisbrothers an' sisters was as fine a lot as iver lived. But this la-adPetey Scanlan growed up fr'm bein' a curly-haired angel f'r to be th'toughest villyun in th' r-road. What was it at all, at all? Sometimes Ithink they'se poison in th' life iv a big city. Th' flowers won't growhere no more thin they wud in a tannery, an' th' bur-rds have no song;an' th' childher iv dacint men an' women come up hard in th' mouth an'with their hands raised again their kind.

  "Th' la-ad was th' scoorge iv th' polis. He was as quick as a cat an' asfierce as a tiger, an' I well raymimber him havin' laid out big Kellythat used to thravel this post,--'Whistlin'' Kelly that kep' us awakewith imitations iv a mockin' bur-rd,--I well raymimber him scuttlin' upth' alley with a score iv polismin laborin' afther him, thryin' f'r ashot at him as he wint around th' bar-rns or undher th' thrucks. Heslep' in th' coal-sheds afther that until th' poor ol' man cud square itwith th' loot. But, whin he come out, ye cud see how his face hadhardened an' his ways changed. He was as silent as an animal, with asideways manner that watched ivrything. Right here in this place I seenhim stand f'r a quarther iv an' hour, not seemin' to hear a dhrunk manabusin' him, an' thin lep out like a snake. We had to pry him loose.

  "Th' ol' folks done th' best they cud with him. They hauled him out ivstation an' jail an' bridewell. Wanst in a long while they'd dhrag himoff to church with his head down: that was always afther he'd beensloughed up f'r wan thing or another. Between times th' polis give himhis own side iv th' sthreet, an' on'y took him whin his back wastur-rned. Thin he'd go in the wagon with a mountain iv thim on top ivhim, sway in' an' swearin' an' sthrikin' each other in their hurry toput him to sleep with their clubs.

  "I mind well th' time he was first took to be settled f'r good. I heerda noise in th' ya-ard, an' thin he come through th' place with his facedead gray an' his lips just a turn grayer. 'Where ar-re ye goin',Petey?' says I. 'I was jus' takin' a short cut home,' he says. In threeminyits th' r-road was full iv polismin. They'd been a robbery down inHalsted Sthreet. A man that had a grocery sthore was stuck up, an' whinhe fought was clubbed near to death; an' they'd r-run Scanlan throughth' alleys to his father's house. That was as far as they'd go. They wasenough iv thim to've kicked down th' little cottage with their heavyboots, but they knew he was standin' behind th' dure with th' big gun inhis hand; an', though they was manny a good lad there, they was nonethat cared f'r that short odds.

  "They talked an' palavered outside, an' telephoned th' chief iv polis,an' more pathrol wagons come up. Some was f'r settin' fire to th'buildin', but no wan moved ahead. Thin th' fr-ront dure opened, an' whoshud come out but th' little mother. She was thin an' pale, an' she hadher apron in her hands, pluckin' at it. 'Gintlemin,' she says, 'what isit ye want iv me?' she says. 'Liftinant Cassidy,' she says, ''tissthrange f'r ye that I've knowed so long to make scandal iv me before meneighbors,' she says. 'Mrs. Scanlan,' says he, 'we want th' boy. I'msorry, ma'am, but he's mixed up in a bad scrape, an' we must have him,'he says. She made a curtsy to thim, an' wint indures. 'Twas less than aminyit before she come out, clingin' to th' la-ad's ar-rm. 'He'll go,'she says. 'Thanks be, though he's wild, they'se no crime on his head. Isthere, dear?' 'No,' says he, like th' game kid he is. Wan iv th'polismin stharted to take hold iv him, but th' la-ad pushed him back;an' he wint to th' wagon on his mother's ar-rm."

  "And was he really innocent?" Mr. McKenna asked.

  "No," said Mr. Dooley. "But she niver knowed it. Th' ol' man come homean' found her: she was settin' in
a big chair with her apron in herhands an th' picture iv th' la-ad in her lap."

  ON A PLOT.

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "th' European situation is becomin' a littlegay."

  "It 'tis so," said Mr. Hennessy. "If I was conthrollin' anny iv thegr-reat powers, I'd go down to th' Phosphorus an' take th' sultan be th'back iv th' neck an' give him wan, two, three. 'Tis a shame f'r him tobe desthroyin' white people without anny man layin' hands on him. Th'man's no frind iv mine. He ought to be impeached an' thrun out."

  "Divvle take th' sultan," said Mr. Dooley. "It's little I care f'r himor th' likes iv him or th' Ar-menyans or th' Phosphorus. I was runnin'over in me mind about th' poor lads they have sloughed up beyant f'rattimptin' to blow up Queen Victorya an' th cza-ar iv Rooshia. Glory be,but they'se nawthin' in the wide wurruld as aisy to undherstand as arivoluchonary plot be our own people. You'll see a lad iv th' right sortthat'd niver open his head fr'm wan end iv th' year to th'other; but,whin he's picked out to go on a mission to London, he niver laves offtalkin' till they put him aboord th' steamer. Here was Tynan. They sayhe had a hand in sindin' Lord Cavendish down th' toboggan, though I'dnot thrust his own tellin' as far as th' len'th iv me ar-rm. Now hefigured out that th' thrue way to free Ireland was to go over an' blowth' windows in Winzer Palace, an' incidentally to hist th' queen an' th'Rooshian cza-ar without th' aid iv th' elevator. What this here Tynanhad again th' Rooshian cza-ar I niver heerd. But 'twas something awful,ye may be sure.

  "Well, th' first thing th' la-ads done was to go to Madison SquareGarden an' hold a secret meetin', in which thim that was to hand th'package to th' queen and thim that was to toss a piece iv gas pipe tohis cza-ars was told off. Thin a comity was sint around to th' newspaperoffices to tell thim th' expedition was about to start. Th'conspirators, heavily disgeesed, was attinded to th' boat be a longprocission. First come Tynan ridin' on a wagon-load iv nithroglycerine;thin th' other conspirators, with gas-pipe bombs an' picks an' chuvvelsf'r tunnellin' undher Winzer Castle; thin th' Ah-o-haitches; thin th'raypoorthers; thin a brigade iv Scotland Ya-ard spies in th' ga-arb ivpolismin. An' so off they wint on their secret mission, with th' bandplayin' 'Th' Wearin' iv th' Green,' an Tynan standin' on th' quartherdeck, smilin' an' bowin' an' wavin' a bag iv jint powdher over his head.

  "No sooner had th' conspirators landed thin th' British gover'mint begunto grow suspicious iv thim. Tynan was shadowed be detictives incitizens' clothes; an', whin he was seen out in his backyard practisin'blowin' up a bar'l that he'd dhressed in a shawl an' a little lace cap,th' suspicions growed. Ivrywhere that Tynan wint he was purshooed be th'minions iv tyranny. Whin he visited th' house nex' dure to th' queen's,an' unloaded a dhray full iv explosives an' chuvvels, the fact wasrayported to th' polis, who become exthremely vigilant. Th' detictivesfollowed him to Scotland Yard, where he wint to inform th' captain ivth' conspiracy, an' overheard much damming ividence iv th' plot untilthey become more an' more suspicious that something was on, althoughwhat was th' intintions iv th' conspirators it was hard to make out fr'mtheir peculiar actions. Whin Tynan gathered his followers in Hyde Park,an' notified thim iv the positions they was to take and disthributed th'dinnymite among thim, th' detictives become decidedly suspicious. Theirsuspicions was again aroused whin Tynan asked permission iv th' commoncouncil to build a bay window up close to th' queen's bedroom. But th'time to act had not come, an' they continted thimselves with thrackin'him through th' sthreets an' takin' notes iv such suspicious remarks as'Anny wan that wants mementoes iv th' queen has on'y to be around thisneighborhood nex' week with a shovel an' a basket,' an' 'Onless ye wantye'er clothes to be spoiled be th' czar, ye'd best carry umbrellas.' Onth' followin' day Tynan took th' step that was needed f'r to con-vinceth' gover'mint that he had designs on the monarchs. He wint to France.It's always been obsarved that, whin a dinnymiter had to blow upannything in London, he laves th' counthry. Th' polis, now thoroughlyaroused, acted with commindable promptness. They arristed Tynan inBooloon f'r th' murdher iv Cavendish.

  "Thus," said Mr. Dooley, sadly, "thus is th' vengeance f'r which ourbeloved counthry has awaited so long delayed be th' hand ivonscrupulious tyranny. Sthrive as our heroes may, no secrecy is secureagainst th' corruption iv British goold. Oh, Ireland, is this to be thyfate forever? Ar-re ye niver to escape th' vigilance iv th' polis, thimcold-eyed sleuths that seem to read th' very thoughts iv ye'er pathriotsons?"

  "There must have been a spy in th' ranks," said Mr. Hennessy.

  "Sure thing," said Mr. Dooley, winking at Mr. McKenna. "Sure thing,Hinnissy. Ayether that or th' accomplished detictives at Scotland Yardskeep a close watch iv the newspapers. Or it may be--who knows?--thatTynan was indiscreet. He may have dhropped a hint of his intintions."

  ON THE NEW WOMAN.

  "Molly Donahue have up an' become a new woman!

  "It's been a good thing f'r ol' man Donahue, though, Jawn. He shtudivrything that mortal man cud stand. He seen her appearin' in th' roadwearin' clothes that no lady shud wear an' ridin' a bicycle; he washumiliated whin she demanded to vote; he put his pride under his ar-rman' ma-arched out iv th' house whin she committed assault-an'-batthry onth' piannah. But he's got to th' end iv th' rope now. He was in herelas' night, how-come-ye-so, with his hat cocked over his eye an' a lookiv risolution on his face; an' whin he left me, he says, says he,'Dooley,' he says, 'I'll conquir, or I'll die,' he says.

  "It's been comin f'r months, but it on'y bust oh Donahue las' week. He'dcome home at night tired out, an' afther supper he was pullin' off hisboots, whin Mollie an' th' mother begun talkin' about th' rights ivfemales. ''Tis th' era iv th' new woman,' says Mollie. 'Ye're right,'says th' mother. 'What d'ye mean be the new woman?' says Donahue,holdin' his boot in his hand. 'Th' new woman,' says Mollie, ''ll be freefr'm th' opprision iv man,' she says. 'She'll wurruk out her own way,without help or hinderance,' she says. She'll wear what clothes shewants,' she says, 'an' she'll be no man's slave,' she says. 'They'll beno such thing as givin' a girl in marredge to a clown an' makin' herdipindant on his whims,' she says. 'Th' women'll earn their own livin','she says; 'an' mebbe,' she says, 'th' men'll stay at home an' dredge inth' house wurruk,' she says. 'A-ho,' says Donahue. 'An' that's th' newwoman, is it?' he says. An' he said no more that night.

  "But th' nex' mornin' Mrs. Donahue an' Mollie come to his dure. 'Getup,' says Mrs. Donahue, 'an' bring in some coal,' she says. 'Ye drowsyman, ye'll be late f'r ye'er wurruk.' 'Divvle th' bit iv coal I'llfetch,' says Donahue. 'Go away an' lave me alone,' he says. 'Ye'reinthruptin' me dreams.' 'What ails ye, man alive?' says Mrs. Donahue.'Get up.' 'Go away,' says Donahue, 'an lave me slumber,' he says. 'Th'idee iv a couple iv big strong women like you makin' me wurruk f'r ye,'he says. 'Mollie 'll bring in th' coal,' he says. 'An' as f'r you,Honoria, ye'd best see what there is in th' cupboord an' put it in ye'erdinner-pail,' he says. 'I heerd th' first whistle blow a minyit ago,' hesays; 'an' there's a pile iv slag at th' mills that has to be wheeledoff befure th' sup'rintindint comes around,' he says. 'Ye know ye can'tafford to lose ye'er job with me in this dilicate condition,' he says.'I'm going to sleep now,' he says. 'An', Mollie, do ye bring me in a cupiv cocoa an' a pooched igg at tin,' he says. 'I ixpect me music-teacherabout that time. We have to take a wallop out iv Wagner an' Bootovenbefure noon.' 'Th' Lord save us fr'm harm,' says Mrs. Donahue. 'Th'man's clean crazy.' 'Divvle's th' bit,' says Donahue, wavin' his redflannel undhershirt in th' air. 'I'm the new man,' he says.

  "Well, sir, Donahue said it flured thim complete. They didn't know whatto say. Mollie was game, an' she fetched in th' coal; but Mrs. Donahuegot nervous as eight o'clock come around. 'Ye're not goin' to stay inbed all day an' lose ye'er job,' she says. 'Th' 'ell with me job,' saysDonahue. 'I'm not th' man to take wurruk whin they'se industhrees womenwith nawthin' to do,' he says. 'Show me th' pa-apers,' he says. 'I wantto see where I can get an eighty-cint bonnet f'r two and a half.' He'sthat stubborn he'd've stayed in bed all day, but th' good womanweakened. 'Come,' she says, 'don't be foolish,' she says. 'Ye wudden'thave th' ol' wo
man wurrukin' in th' mills,' she says. ''Twas all ajoke,' she says. 'Oh-ho, th' ol' woman!' he says. 'Th' ol' woman! Well,that's a horse iv another color,' he says. 'An' I don't mind tellin' yeth' mills is closed down to-day, Honoria.' So he dhressed himsilf an'wint out; an' says he to Mollie, he says: 'Miss Newwoman,' says he, 'yemay find wurruk enough around th' house,' he says. 'An', if ye havetime, ye might paint th' stoop,' he says. 'Th' ol' man is goin' to taketh' ol' woman down be Halsted Sthreet' an' blow himsilf f'r a new shawlf'r her.'

  "An' he's been that proud iv th' victhry that he's been a reg'larcustomer f'r a week."

  ON EXPERT TESTIMONY.

  "Annything new?" said Mr. Hennessy, who had been waiting patiently forMr. Dooley to put down his newspaper.

  "I've been r-readin' th' tistimony iv th' Lootgert case," said Mr.Dooley.

  "What d'ye think iv it?"

  "I think so," said Mr. Dooley.

  "Think what?"

  "How do I know?" said Mr. Dooley. "How do I know what I think? I'm nocombination iv chemist, doctor, osteologist, polisman, an'sausage-maker, that I can give ye an opinion right off th' bat. A manneeds to be all iv thim things to detarmine annything about a murdhertrile in these days. This shows how intilligent our methods is, as Hogansays. A large German man is charged with puttin' his wife away into abreakfas'-dish, an' he says he didn't do it. Th' on'y question, thin,is, Did or did not Alphonse Lootgert stick Mrs. L. into a vat, an'rayjooce her to a quick lunch? Am I right?"