The Nutty Neighbours of Possum Road

by Iron Geoffrey

speed and mountain climbing. Wheelie was now of course able to outperform all other dogs during high speed cornering but was not much good at slowing down. Wheelie was actually a very intelligent dog and held a world record. He was the only dog in the world who had managed to create his own email account, wheelie@poobag.com.

  Jess then noticed they had eaten all the dog biscuits so asked David if he’d like to accompany her to the pet shop to get some more supplies. David really didn’t want to go out in one of the neighbours dangerous cars again, but was more than pleased to have an opportunity to go on a nice peaceful dog walk.

  Dog leads were not required with these well trained dogs, so they just stuffed their pockets with poo bags and headed outside. To get to the pet shop they needed to cut across the Bottomhamsted Village Park which was right next to a perfectly manicured bowling green, where a group of elderly respectable citizens were enjoying a tranquil game of bowls. They were all smartly dressed in beige trousers and light yellow blazers. It was a calm and peaceful scene and it seemed that nothing could possibly disturb this pleasant setting. Unfortunately, one of these blazer wearing bowlers was from the northern hemisphere and naturally kept ferrets in his trousers. When the trouser-ferrets heard the sound of a pack of dogs walking past, they went into a panic, scampered down his trouser legs and ran out across the smooth bowling green.

  Trouser Ferret:

  A warm blooded furry animal which people in the northern hemisphere keep down their trousers for warmth. In the southern hemisphere, people stay cool by keeping cold-blooded reptiles within their shorts.

  The dogs spotted the crazy ferrets on the bowling green, pricked up their ears and all started barking. They then decided to ignore all Jess’ commands and started running over towards the trouser ferrets, which were now scampering as fast as possible in circles around the bowling green. This caused the good people of Bottomhamsted to shake their heads with disapproval and start muttering to each-other.

  Coincidentally, the ‘ever mischievous’ ghost of Max Potato was walking past the village green at the same time, and he could not believe his luck when he spotted this splendid opportunity for a bit of mischief. Max was well aware of Jess’ dog commands, so shouted the secret ‘dog pooing' command, just as the dogs had reached the bowling green. The elderly smart people covered their eyes, as fifty hounds suddenly ignored the ferrets and started synchronised pooing in the middle of their perfectly maintained bowling green.

  After some minutes, the bowlers opened their eyes again to be confronted by fifty piles of dog poo on their bowling green. Before Jess and David could get the poo bags out of their pockets to clean up the mess, the ferrets started to run ‘round and round’ and ‘in and out’ of the poo-piles and were immediately chased by the pack of hounds.

  Of course, this resulted in absolute and total chaos. The manicured bowling green was ripped up by the scrabbling and wheeling animals, and the fresh poo started flying around in all directions. Wheelies wheels were causing poo to fly high up in the air and rain down on unsuspecting Bottomhamsted residents. One honorable gentleman who was visiting the area, received a direct splat in the face. A noble lady’s fine fur coat was also splattered in poo. An unlucky passing policeman was sprayed from head to toe with excrement and an unfortunate wedding procession was showered with brown slime.

  Then suddenly, the trouser ferrets retreated back up their owner’s trousers to safety, carrying much poo with them.

  Max Potato found this all highly hilarious and ran off laughing, leaving David and Jess surrounded by very smelly and angry people. Fearing a riot, Jess called the dogs and they all started running and wheeling as fast as possible back to Possum Road. Luckily the poo covered pursuers were slowed down so much by the mucky dog slime that they could not catch them. Unluckily, Wheelie was now wheeling so fast that he was unable to stop when they arrived back at the house.

  “Stop Wheelie!!” shouted David, but it was too late.

  Wheelie tried desperately to stop but crashed head first into Jess’ parked car causing many dents and scratches, but luckily he was OK. After a moment’s pause to pick up Wheelie, they all piled into Jess’ house, locked the door behind them and peered out of the window to see if any upset residents had been able to follow them. Only one splattered and upset person went charging past the house, waving their arms around and shouting “I hate dogs!!” but after that there was calm in the street again.

  Jess decided to wait a couple of days for the dust to settle, and then go and apologise to the disgruntled bowling club members. David decided he would also apologise to the bowlers and made a note to himself to buy them a few packets of grass seeds.

  Before leaving, he mentioned that Jess’ dented car might now be eligible for the Bottomhamsted Main Event. He said good-bye to Jess and her dogs, then ran back to his house before anybody saw him.

  SUNITA THE SPACE GIRL

  Most incredible Girl in the World.

  The following school day was unusual because all was peaceful in the playground and nobody’s life was in danger, so David decided to go straight into class. Walking through the corridor on the way to the classroom, he noticed for the first time a small enclosed area hidden behind a door which was full of boys who were all singing.

  “What’s that?” David asked a passing teacher.

  “That’s the friendly singing hole, go and join them” the teacher replied.

  All the boys were singing different songs and none of them were in tune, but it looked like a lot of fun. David entered the small area, squeezed himself among the other singing boys and started singing a cheesy 1970’s disco number. The friendly singing hole seemed to be a really nice place to hang out, until without warning it suddenly turned into an unfriendly singing hole. The friendly boys all grabbed hold of their noses and started barging David around! After ten minutes of tuneless noise and being barged about, he made an exit and went into class. David didn’t know quite what to make of this hole but decided he should spend some time there singing every day. David entered the classroom and it immediately became clear why the singers had behaved so strangely, as David’s classmates also grabbed their noses and started moaning about a foul smell of dog poo. David apologised for the stink, and explained about his adventures with the pack of hounds and how it had turned into a poo frenzy.

  That morning, there were mutterings and rumors circulating around the class that a Possum Road resident called Sunita was actually a real life space girl.

  The rumors came from a strange boy called Dwain, who claimed to have seen her take off in some kind of space ship and head towards distant galaxies. As further proof that she was a space girl, he also claimed to have looked through the window of her house and had seen her watching films about aliens on television. When David heard this, he decided that Sunita was perhaps the most interesting person in Possum Road. With a huge burst of new enthusiasm, he flew round to her house as soon as the school bell went.

  Sunita's front door was a kind of metallic silver in colour, soft to the touch but somehow also strong. As there was no doorbell, David knocked on this unusual material, but there was no sound at all. He knocked harder, but still no sound. “Odd” mumbled David, and started to bang on the weird silver door as hard as possible. Although this still made no sound whatsoever, the door opened and Sunita the space girl appeared asking why he was making so much noise. David later discovered that the door was made of an alien noise diverting material, which only makes a sound on the other side when you knock on it. Sunita was dressed in a kind of space suit, which also appeared to be made from the same silver material that the door was made from. Slightly embarrassed, David made his usual introduction and was invited inside for some silver tea. David tried to make interesting and amusing conversation, but Sunita didn’t really say much as she was totally engrossed in a small sliver device with a screen.

  “What game are you playing?” asked David.

  “It’s not a game, I have just discovered the Earth�
��s duplex planet, but unfortunately it’s one thousand light years away” she replied.

  Sunita had been searching for Earth’s duplex planet for some years and had just found it on her new Sat-Nav system. This latest model had an advanced setting which included maps of distant galaxies and unimaginable universes.

  Duplex Planet:

  It is said that each planet has an exact duplicate somewhere in space. An idiot with an enormous telescope could observe himself on the duplex planet, behaving idiotically and getting on everyone’s nerves.

  “Let’s go!!” she shouted, assuming David was coming with her.

  “But it’s one thousand light years away and I’m having my haircut at 5pm” said David trying not to look worried.

  His hair was actually getting a bit long, and the thought of it growing any longer filled him with terror. Sunita assured David they would be back in plenty of time, so they set off towards her anonymous looking car which was parked in the street. David then reminded himself about his promise to never to accept a lift in one of his neighbour’s dangerous cars again. Then he remembered that he was actually fearless and climbed in. Sunita started the engine, and they drove off down Possum Road for another great adventure.

  David