Reluctant Host

by Robin Roseau

  I held tightly but slowly released her. She kissed my cheek once more before she left.

  * * * *

  The second day was better than the first, and I knew that was entirely because of Alyidil, and the confidence she’d be back tonight. I was miserable, but not as miserable.

  Still, I wasn’t at all accustomed to no activity, and that part was quite difficult for me. So, I read, and I napped, and I tried not to think bad thoughts. Of course, I failed, but I tried.

  * * * *

  It was in the evening another day later that Lal Keshia said to me, “Alyidil is not sleeping very well.”

  I dropped my gaze, but the news was not as bad as I thought it might be.

  “We couldn’t find a bed, but we’re going to make something.”

  “Does she have to sleep upstairs until it’s ready?”

  “No, Jeraya.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered. “Are there more books?”

  “You can’t have read all of them.”

  “I don’t understand most of them,” I replied. “The one about Sendisha made me angry.”

  “Oh. I didn’t know that was in there. Which ones did you like?”

  “The stories,” I said.

  “I’ll see what else we can buy.”

  “Do you have money? Books are dear.”

  “I have money for books,” she said.

  “Thank you.”

  * * * *

  The time passed. It was three days later that they had the bigger bed. They wouldn’t let me help, and so I stood with Lal Keshia as the others pulled the old bed out. The new one came into my room in pieces. They assembled it, and then they filled the mattress. I stared when I realized it was half straw and half down. I hadn’t realized I’d been sleeping on actual down. I just knew it had been very comfortable, but I’d never slept on down before and hadn’t recognized it.

  Lal Keshia said she wasn’t rich, but I decided she didn’t know what most people would consider ‘rich’, if she could give me a bed of down.

  When they were done, and the bed was entirely ready, Lal Keshia turned to me. “That should help.”

  I felt my eyes water. “Thank you,” I whispered.

  She lifted her hand to my cheek. “I’d make this easier for you if I could.”

  * * * *

  After that, it was better for Alyidil. It was still cozy, but it was better. Still, I desperately wanted to touch her as we slept. I was afraid she’d pull away from me, but if we separated, she was as likely to pursue me as I was to chase her, and we spent our nights tightly pressed together. And if I was miserable during the day, my nights were better.

  Oh, we didn’t become lovers. We didn’t touch in that fashion, in spite of wearing very little clothing. The need for skin to skin contact was gone, but we had both grown accustomed, and there hadn’t even been a discussion.

  There was a part of me that was convinced they were only being this nice to me because they wanted me to stay meek. I recognized that. But I also recognized I didn’t care.

  I was falling in love with Alyidil.

  Preparing Me

  I didn’t ask about the preparations for the house. Some of them were obvious. They brought in fresh greenery, all throughout the main floor. The windows were spotless. The woodwork gleamed. I knew more was happening, and sometimes I heard it, but I never asked.

  But then things changed. Lal Keshia didn’t normally come when the others retrieved me each morning. But this time she came, and she said, “It is time to begin to prepare the host.”

  “Should I be frightened?”

  “No. We’ll begin after breakfast.”

  And then instead of letting me eat in my cell, they bound my legs but then brought me upstairs. We sat for breakfast, and I tried not to be nervous.

  Once breakfast was finished, and the others had cleaned up while Lal Keshia and I sat, not talking to each other, she finally said, “Jeraya, I want you to let us do to you what we want.”

  “I imagine you do.”

  “I think you’ll enjoy it.”

  “I find it unlikely.”

  I would turn out to be wrong, wonderfully wrong.

  “We have another room. You probably heard our efforts. Come.” Alyidil and Mayolin helped me stand, and then I made my slow way, following Lal Keshia.

  There was a new room. I couldn’t remember what it had been before, but it looked out over the garden. The walls were white. The floor was tile. And there was a large, steaming tub.

  Filfoyss locked the door. Lal Keshia turned to me. “You could break through the windows. You’d get hurt.”

  “I won’t,” I whispered.

  “Let us do what we want,” she said. And then, surprising me, she was the one who knelt before me. She untied my legs. She removed my sandals. And then I stood still as she took the dress from me.

  Filfoyss and Burquiri then did all the same to Lal Keshia. I looked away, but then, fascinated, I turned to watch.

  She had an amazing body.

  “We will do this differently each day,” she said. “Today, I will be in the tub with you.” Then she took my hands and began stepping backwards. She led me to the tub. Filfoyss and Burquiri helped her into it, and then Alyidil and Mayolin helped me.

  The water was warm, very warm, but it felt nice as Lal Keshia encouraged me to lie back. Then, facing each other, with her legs to my right, and mine to her right, we both sank to our necks.

  They bathed me. No one had bathed me since I was a child. But they bathed me, each taking responsibility for a portion of my body. It was Lal Keshia who did my feet and my legs, as much as she could reach.

  I said nothing, but I moaned in pleasure a few times. At one point, Lal Keshia said, “And you doubted me.”

  “Don’t gloat,” I whispered. “Are you going to do this to me every day?”

  “Yes.”

  I opened my eyes. “Really?”

  “Every day. We begin to scent the water.”

  They bathed me, and they were very thorough. At one point, I tried to stop Filfoyss, but Lal Keshia simply said, “She needs to do that, Jeraya.”

  “I can do it myself.”

  “Let her do it.”

  I opened my eyes and smiled. “You do it.”

  “When it’s my turn, I will,” she replied. “Let her do it.”

  I looked at her then closed my eyes and slowly released my grip on Filfoyss’ wrist. What she did felt nice, although it was very weird at the same time.

  Eventually, they helped me from the water. Lal Keshia left first, and she dried herself, but all five of them helped me, and they showed great care. And then they dried me before lowering a fresh dress over me.

  They led me to a chair, and the pampering continued. They brushed and dried my hair. In the meantime, Lal Keshia and Mayolin saw to my feet. They trimmed my nails and worked to soften my callouses. Then Lal Keshia painted the nails with silver paint. They moved to my hands. I closed my eyes and let them do whatever they wanted.

  I’d never received so much attention.

  “Are you going to do this every day, too?”

  “Yes,” she said. “And other things. Some of this is to make you perfect, and some is to practice, and to see what works best for you. Today we try silver. Tomorrow we will try another color.”

  She did my hands. And then she did my face as well. I’d never painted my face. The paints were expensive, and I’d never paid for them.

  She finished, and then the others worked on my hair, braiding it one way. Lal Keshia shook her head, so they brushed it all out. In the end, at least that day, I would end up wearing my hair straight, or as straight as my curls allowed.

  “That’s enough for today,” she said eventually.

  “May I see?”

  “There is a mirror.” They gathered my arms and moved me slowly, carefully. “So, you don’t take a bruise.”

  I thought it was ridiculous.

  We came to a stop in front of the mirro
r, and if I wasn’t wearing my hair and my violet eyes, I may not have recognized myself. I looked very strange, and I didn’t know if I liked it.

  Lal Keshia stepped into place behind me, setting her hands on my shoulders. “You don’t care for it.”

  “I don’t know what to make of it.”

  “Today we try this. Tomorrow will be different. I think I should have started this part sooner. I may not have time to find the perfect look for you.”

  “My appearance is so unusual?”

  “The women from my home have straight, red hair. You have these curls.” She fingered my hair. “It changes much about you.”

  “Your goddess won’t want me.”

  “That is possible,” she replied. “But I think she will recognize the distance from which I call her, and she will be curious. She will know we have done the best we can to please her, and curiosity may be sufficient.”

  I turned around. We were nearly nose to nose, although she was taller. I looked up at her. “Do I need to do anything?”

  “Only allow us to do these things to you.”

  “Is this what you would do if you were home?”

  “Yes. The details might be different, but yes, just like this.”

  “All right. Are you putting me back in my room?”

  “No. Our other preparations are complete. Would you like to play a game?”

  “Yes!”

  They bound my legs, but they brought me to the parlor, and we played a card game until it was time to prepare dinner.

  * * * *

  Before bed, they gently washed my face, and so the only lingering signs of their efforts were my painted nails, and a very slightly floral scent in my hair. They closed me in with Alyidil, and I turned to her, standing before her with the dim light from the stone between us. “What did you think of my face today?”

  “You looked very odd,” she replied. She lifted her hand and brushed fingertips across my lips. I held still for it. “I liked the silver.”

  I smiled. “Did you think of kissing me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then I think you should.”

  “Not now,” she said. “It was the silver that I liked.” Before I could become offended, though, she brought us together.

  And I had my first kiss in a long time.

  We didn’t do more than that. It was one kiss. But at the time, it also felt like a promise. We kissed, and it was lovely, but then she took my hands, and we helped each other undress for bed.

  And then, there in the dark, we held each other.

  * * * *

  The next day was very similar, although it was Mayolin in the water with me, and Mayolin who later removed the old color from my nails. She then buffed my feet and hands before applying a new color, this time gold. Then she did my face, my lips also gold, but she gave my eyes a darker, smokier look.

  When I looked in the mirror, I liked it better. It wasn’t perfect, but I liked what she had done.

  Lal Keshia again stood behind me. “I liked this part.” She gestured to my eyes.

  “I do, too.”

  “It is time for your massage, and then a game.”

  That night, Alyidil and I kissed again, twice this time, before climbing into bed together. “Let me spoon you,” she said, and so I rolled away from her. She held me all night.

  * * * *

  It took nearly our entire time, but I stood before the mirror. I thought I looked beautiful and exotic.

  I thought I looked sexy. I’d never used that word for myself before.

  “Like this,” I whispered.

  From behind me, Lal Keshia said, “Yes. But your hair.” She ran her fingers through it. “We’ve tried everything.”

  “Like this,” I said. “Down. Everything you’ve tried has been worse.”

  “Keep it simple,” Alyidil suggested. Then she smiled. “I liked when we painted her entire body.”

  “That was in fun,” Lal Keshia said. “Shi`nual would not like it.”

  I turned around and looked up at Lal Keshia. “What happens?”

  “The full moons are in two more nights,” she said. “We will spend the day. There are traditional foods. Fruits, breads. Simple foods.”

  “I can’t imagine we have the same foods.”

  “You don’t, but we use what we have. You don’t move. You must be very, very careful, Jeraya.”

  “You barely let me move now.” And they didn’t. Every move was carefully mapped. If we were to play cards, they put me in a chair, and then they brought the table to me, making sure I didn’t bump myself. At any point where I could stub a toe, they made sure I didn’t. At night, they put me to bed, and then Alyidil was very careful. They’d even made sure to trim her nails very short, and they kept them filed and soft as well, so she wouldn’t accidentally scratch me.

  “You mustn’t accidentally bite your tongue,” Lal Keshia said.

  “Ah. I’ll be careful.”

  “We’ll see to you, like we have been, but we do everything we’ve been doing. The bath, the massages, everything.”

  “And then?”

  “And then we perform the ritual. Exactly at midnight, we will know if Shi`nual accepts our invitation.”

  “Have you done this before, helped someone become a host?”

  “Yes,” she said. “Not for myself, but for someone else.”

  “Someone else was the host.”

  “No. Well, yes.” She gestured to her own appearance, making a point. “But there is always someone like me. You are serving as a host for Shi`nual, but you are doing so for me. Do you see?”

  “Oh. Oh, I see. Did she accept?”

  “Once, when I helped. That is more than many can say.”

  She lifted her eyes, looking over my shoulder. I smiled and said, “I hope she comes for you, Lal Keshia.”

  She dropped her eyes back to mine. “Do you?”

  “What your sister did is wrong. I hope Shi`nual can help you.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered. “I only get three questions. If she takes pity on me, she may offer to carry a message, or to tell me of my wife.”

  “Do you know your questions?”

  “I’ve thought about them for years.”

  “All right. Good.”

  Ritual

  I knew I was as perfect as I could be. I had taken no bruises or bumps. Alyidil hadn’t scratched me. My skin was as soft and sweet as it had ever been. My hair was perfect. My face was as perfect as I thought it could be.

  Shortly before sunset, we moved to the parlor. There was a high-backed chair waiting for me. Mapping my movements carefully, they led me to the chair.

  It was Lal Keshia who freed my legs, but then Mayolin handed her a scarf, and she tied it around one ankle, and my ankle to the chair. It was while she was tying the second ankle that I asked, “Is this normal?”

  “No.”

  I said not a word as they tied my wrists and then my upper arms. But then I asked, my voice a whisper, “Are you going to hurt me?”

  “No, Jeraya,” Lal Keshia said. “I am only making sure.” She looked into my eyes. “You have accepted your role, but if you see a chance to run, I still wonder if you would take it.”

  I didn’t deny it. I thought she might be right.

  “I wonder what Shi`nual will say about moving into a host who is tied to a chair.”

  “The scarves untie with a single tug each. Please don’t be angry.”

  I looked at the knots and said nothing, but I thought if the goddess didn’t come, they were prepared to kill me.

  * * * *

  There was nothing else I needed to do for the ritual but sit. There were foods involved, and oils on my skin. There were words said I didn’t understand, and candles burned.

  Lal Keshia slowly draped me in jewelry, and when my lips became smudged, she fixed them.

  As it grew closer to midnight, they did other things. They switched places periodically, but I found Alyidil and Mayolin kissing my finge
rs. Lal Keshia kissed my feet, which made me giggle.

  They touched. They stroked. They waved the smoke of a vanilla-scented candle through my hair, and then they used more vanilla to scent my hair, although it was subtle.

  Lal Keshia continued to chant. It sounded inviting. She kissed my feet again, and then they all did, and my hands as well.

  And then I said, “I feel funny.”

  I thought it was from the food, or the candles, or just the hour. My head lolled. Lal Keshia looked into my eyes and smiled. “She is considering. Oh, Jeraya, she hears and is considering.”

  I offered a weak smile.

  After that, I tried to pay attention, but it became harder, and harder.

  And then I cried out before knowing nothing else.

  Unhappy Goddess

  I came to awareness. My arms and legs were untied, and I was holding one arm up, looking at the scarves dangling from it. I lifted the other arm, and then I bent over to look at both ankles.

  I spoke sharply, words I didn’t know. The five of them were kneeling to me, their heads to the floor, Lal Keshia directly before me. I spoke sharply, and the only sound I recognized was her name.

  She spoke.

  And then the world disappeared, but when I could see again, I was standing. The world was grey, like I was standing in the thickest fog. But then the mists parted slightly, and I saw a woman walking towards me.

  Myself.

  I stared at her. I stared at myself as I walked to myself.

  She came to a stop, frowning. She spoke, and I didn’t understand. She reached for me, but I pulled from her.

  She spoke soothingly, and I recognized the tone of someone calming a skittish colt. I listened, and when it was clear she was only trying to calm me, I approached her. And she held still as I lifted my hand to her cheek.

  “You’re me,” I said. “I think you’re Shi`nual.”

  At that, she smiled and set her hand to her chest “Shi`nual,” she said, the accent quite different from how I had said it. She moved closer, and this time I didn’t pull away. She moved closer and lifted her hands, and I didn’t shy away.

  I let her set a hand to the back of my head, and when she pulled our foreheads together, I let her.