Ambulance Masters

by Raymund Hensley



  Ambulance Masters

  by

  Raymund Hensley

  Copyright 2011 by Raymund Hensley

  www.facebook.com/RaymundHensley

  All rights reserved

  Cover design by the author

  Dedicated to…

  Beeru

  Special thanks to Nell for her editorial help.

  ALSO BY RAYMUND HENSLEY

  Aloha Mannequins

  A Revelation

  The Zombie Hunter's Bible

  How I met Barbara the Zombie Hunter

  Ambulance Masters

  Filipino Vampire

  THE FOLLOWING OCCURRED IN DECEMBER 2007. THE NAMES OF THOSE INVOLVED HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO RESPECT AND POSSIBLY ALSO PROTECT THE LIVING. MANY, IF NOT ALL, EVENTS HAVE ALSO BEEN CHANGED. OR ENTIRELY MADE UP.

  CONTENTS

  Article from The Honolulu Rag

  LATER

  ONE

  TWO

  THREE

  FOUR

  FIVE

  SIX

  SEVEN

  EIGHT

  NINE

  AFTER

  Article from The Honolulu Rag…

  Snow! In Hawaii?

  by Pilart Kolopowawski

  (published July 7, 1947)

  Snow fell over the Hawaiian Islands this Monday morning, resulting in a series of automobile crashes and decapitations.

  “It’s a mystery!” cried a Kaimuki resident. “My brother is without a head because of this snow! I’ll never look at life the same way again. My fear has a new name, and it is Snow. What’s going to happen to me next? Whooping cough?? It’s unfair. The sun will melt this blasted devil snow away, but what will melt away my grief? Whisky? Yes.”

  The morning wasn’t all grief and whisky. Children played in the white mystery with their parents and various types of cats. Foobow Bowman, female, age 8, was laughing.

  “It’s a miracle!” she said, throwing balls of ice onto faces and backs. “I’ve always wanted to play in snow, ever since I was a little girl. Watch me throw this snowball at that passing car! See? What could be better? Well, I’ll tell you. The love between a man and a woman and sometimes a woman with another woman. Listen…times are changing. So what, who cares?”

  Her mother, Hadafrow Bowman, agrees.

  “It’s true. She’s happier than the time I gave her shoes made of genuine cat bone. Praise Jesus. She’s laughing her cancer away. Right?”

  Snow-women popped up island wide, carrying signs that read “Beware the Oort Cloud” and “Nemesis 1.5 light years away” and “Extinction every 26 million years”.

  Hadafrow Bowman’s rabbi (Hebrew for “My master”), Rabbi Brutus Caliente, contacted this reporter via email.

  “See?” he wrote. “We were right. L'Chiam!”

  Meteorologist Pat J. Irelander was skeptical about the apparent snowfall and cautioned about possible radioactivity.

  “I’m no scientist, but I’m sure it shouldn’t be snowing in Hawaii. It’s weird, and like my mum still says, people should not be playing in weird things. Are they daft? I’m not. Thanks, mum. Thanks a lot.”

  When asked what could be responsible for the strange weather, Mr. Irelander said, “I can think of three things possible for this freak of nature. One: Global warming. Two: The coming apocalypse. And three: Aliens…and their radioactivity. That’s all I got,” he said. “Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m betting on the aliens.”

  Mr. Irelander raised his hands as he ended his sentence, slowly backing away.

  At 7:10 in the evening, the snow stopped falling with piles measuring between 1 to 80 feet. H-1 Freeway eastbound will be closed until motorists and Major Warren Ty’s motorcade are shoveled free. Dump trucks filled with salt, state workers are hard at work melting the snow endangering the streets.

  The elderly are advised not to eat the snow.

  LATER