Kinky Bones

by Al K. Line

Everyone stared at me, shocked.

  "What?"

  "Um, Arthur," said Penelope, "I think maybe everyone is surprised you're assuming that I'm spending the night here after only meeting you this afternoon." There were nods from everyone, even the girls.

  "Yes, Uncle Arthur," lectured one smartass. "You're supposed to get to know people, then marry them, before they stay over. Everyone knows that." She rolled her eyes, already an expert at it.

  "But you could always sleep on the floor, that's okay then, isn't it?" asked the other way-too-smart kid.

  "Oh, that's all right," I told them. "We're basically married already." I turned to the women and said, "Sorry, I didn't think. This feels so right that it didn't cross my mind that Penelope would go home today. Actually, not ever. I want you to move in. Today. Now. Never leave," I blurted.

  "That's it," said George as she stood. "I'm taking you to the doctor's. You've clearly got brain damage."

  "No, I haven't. This is truly awful, I don't want this, it will cause trouble and Penelope is already in danger, but it's the way it is."

  "You sure know how to woo a girl," said Penelope.

  "I'm sorry. You've heard a little about my life, our life, you know this will be madness, right?"

  "I do. But you're right. This feels normal. I hope it does for you too. I will stay, as just like Arthur, I honestly hadn't thought of leaving today. But George, I understand this is your home, that you don't know me. Maybe we should all take this a little slower?"

  "No, it's okay," said George. "You're welcome. This is all just moving so fast."

  "Damn right it is," I said. "But what can we do? We're in love."

  We smiled at each other.

  Everyone else groaned again, even the girls.

  The Missing Link

  "Okay, you two, time for bed," ordered Vicky, peeling the two girls from the various hanging or sitting positions they'd assumed on my aching body.

  They didn't fool me, they often did this when they didn't want to miss out on grown-up stuff. I was a sucker for a cuddle, and I'm happy to admit it.

  "Aw. We want to stay up and play."

  "You can play tomorrow. Bed."

  "But it's run around like nutters Sunday. Uncle Arthur hasn't tipped us upside down yet, either."

  "Bed. Now."

  "Fine. Can Penelope read to us too?" asked one with an innocent smile.

  "Er, um, I don't know. Penelope might not want to," said Vicky.

  "That would be lovely," beamed Penelope. "As long as your mum doesn't mind?"

  "No, I don't mind."

  After a kiss and cuddle, the girls and the two women headed upstairs, leaving George and I alone.

  "Sorry about all this," I said, the lamest apology ever.

  "Dad, this is a bit rushed, isn't it?"

  "I know, and I'm sorry. I know I should check it's okay to bring someone home, not get your hopes up about anything, especially after last time. But, well, what can I tell you? This feels so right that I'm absolutely terrified. If I could get out of this, I would. I don't want or need this. I can't risk having my heart broken again. I assumed I'd die alone and bitter, not having a cuddle."

  "It's that serious? You're that serious?"

  "I am. So, what do you think?"

  "I think she seems lovely. I think she seems like an average person. Normal. A citizen. And you told her enough to make her run a mile, so I guess she must be okay."

  "She is so normal, isn't she? How awesome."

  "Yeah, brilliant."

  "What? Come on, tell me."

  "Dad, she's a regular person. You know the life we lead. It's dangerous."

  "I know, but for some reason, somehow, I'm convinced this will work out. There will be no surprises, she won't cheat on me, she won't betray us. And she won't die. Someone who cares about us. Is that okay?"

  "Oh, Dad, it's more than okay."

  George burst into tears and wept like a child. Things she'd kept bottled up for years came out. All the sadness, the loss of her mother, the regret over what she'd missed out on when she'd been alive, the disappointment about never having a mum who truly cared for her. And the fear of hope, for hope is a treacherous mistress and the sense of loss when it all goes wrong is enough to break you. So George cried because she dared believe there would be a woman who acted like a mother. A wife to me, the focus of our family, someone to take control of our wayward antics and maybe even rein us in on occasion.

  Someone who would smile at us when we walked through the front door. Ask us about our day, be there for us, be our lifeline, our hope and maybe even our salvation, for we sure as hell needed saving.

  It was scary for the both of us, as we answered to nobody but ourselves. To think there would be a woman living here who would be in charge of us, as undoubtedly that would be the case because we wanted that, needed it in our lives, was a terrifying proposition.

  Then I began to cry too, and soon we were hugging and weeping, with fear, with regret for what had never been, and most terrifying of all, because we dared to hope.

  "I found this woman creeping about upstairs," said Sasha, holding Penelope several inches off the ground, her fingers poised to rip her eyes from their sockets.

  "Sasha, meet Penelope. Penelope, meet Sasha, my faery godmother and a little over zealous at the moment.

  "Nice to meet you," stammered a terrified Penelope.

  "Oh, hello, are you a friend of Arthur's then?" asked Sasha, smiling innocently.

  "Um, yes. Can you put me down please?"

  "Sorry, where are my manners? So, I shouldn't pull her eyes out and squish them?" asked Sasha sweetly.

  "No, best not to," I said, wondering how long it would take Penelope to get her shoes on and run away.

  Two's Company

  The kitchen became very crowded very quickly. Once Sasha had released Penelope, and introductions were made, I was shocked she didn't ask to leave. But Sasha was, as always, intoxicating, and you'd do whatever it took to remain in her company. It was easy to forget just how enticing fae were, and Penelope watched her like she couldn't look away, which wasn't far from the truth.

  Vicky returned after tucking the girls in, said hello to Sasha, and it all got a little too much.

  "If you'll excuse us," I said.

  "But you haven't told me anything about your new friend," said Sasha with a pout.

  "All in good time. I'm sure these two clowns will tell you everything." I took Penelope's hand and whispered. "Sorry, this is a lot to cope with. Let me give you a tour of the grounds. We can check out the house later."

  Penelope nodded with obvious relief. Who could blame her? She needed to get away from Sasha, as it was too much for a citizen to cope with for long. Sasha could do funny things to your head, and she'd been known to turn many a regular woman to little but a gibbering wreck, mind obsessed with one more glimpse of her, so best let them get to know each other slowly. Plus, there were simply too many damn women in the room, and it was getting ridiculous. It was a shame Steve wasn't here to even things out. He often came on weekends now to spend time with Vicky and the girls.

  We said our goodbyes and went to get our shoes on. I gave Penelope one of my spare coats and we got out as quickly as we could. I closed the front door with a sigh of relief, and a huge smile now I was back alone with this adorable woman.

  "We've got so much to talk about I don't even know where to begin," I said, scratching at my beard.

  "We've got all the time in the world. Haha, I can't believe this is happening. It's so surreal I feel like I'm dreaming. What are we doing?"

  "I've got no idea. But it feels right. Come on."

  I led Penelope by the hand across the concrete yard. I showed her the barns, the various animals, and the storage rooms for all manner of equipment we used about the place. She seemed impressed by the scale of it all, and I guess if you were used to the city and a tiny house then this was like another world.

  Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness f
orgot to tell you that it can at least make you more comfortable in your misery.

  Wide open spaces, fresh air, and the responsibility of caring for animals goes a long way to keeping you grounded and appreciative of what the world is really about and what it has to offer if you just take the time to slow down and look.

  "Let me show you the horses," I offered, feeling so happy I was fit to burst. This was like a dream come true, a missing piece I had always refused to acknowledge. I was walking around my own property with a partner by my side. It didn't get better than this.

  "Do they bite?" asked Penelope with that twinkle again.

  "Only me," I said grumpily.

  "I love horses. When I was young, we used to go riding. I haven't done it for years. Heck, I haven't even seen a horse for years."

  "Well, now you've got a horse whenever you want one. And you'll have to tell me about your family, your parents. I don't even know if you've got brothers or sisters."

  "Not much to tell. And look who's talking. You're a bit of a mystery man yourself. Actually, haha, scrap that. You're utterly strange, your friends and family are nice but, um, strange too, and I guess everything feels too peculiar for me to accept any of it as real. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'm losing the plot here."

  "Hey, it's all right. I know this is a bit much, that we've gone a little nuts, but isn't that what everyone wants? For something crazy to happen and for the first time in your life to just go for it and see what happens?"

  "Yes, of course. But, Arthur, you keep saying you're a wizard. I met a faery, there are vampires and werewolves and we went through a portal! Crazy."

  Penelope was on the edge, that much was obvious. It was hard for me to put myself in her position, but even the little I could imagine made me sure she was close to breaking down. She wouldn't believe it, couldn't, as these things didn't happen, not to regular folk. My life was one big story to them, not real at all.

  "Come on, let's just go look at horses. It'll ground you, center you, and you can laugh as they try to bite me while they let you stroke their noses."

  "Okay." Penelope wiped her eyes and smiled. She was a brave woman.

  We walked across the frosty grass on plastic mesh we'd laid for when the ground got too muddy, heading for the stable block.

  The horses were noisier than usual, and I wondered why. Sometimes they got disturbed by animals, and sometimes when we went to check there seemed nothing wrong. They were scatty like that, and once one got spooked they all joined in. Horses were not the most stable of creatures in my experience. Maybe they'd heard us and were getting excited about some Hat teasing to come?

  As we approached, the noise inside the barn grew louder. The animals were going wild, whinnying and neighing, and it sounded like they were kicking at the stalls. What had got into them?

  Suddenly, the stable doors smashed open and horses scattered in all directions. I grabbed Penelope, and shouted, "Run back to the house. Right now," as I turned then dragged her away before she got killed on the day we met.

  Almost Over

  A terrifying vision in pink and PVC exploded from the barn on the back of a horse so black it was almost invisible against the dark sky. The sight was so nightmarish because it was such a crime against fashion. Selma was resplendent, or should I say repugnant, with a revealing leather basque, pink hair, and heels I would have assumed would make it impossible to ride.

  Horses scattered in all directions, bolting with fear, not surprising given how Selma was dressed. Their breath was like white plumes of smoke in the frosty air now alive with their grunts and whinnies. They settled down quickly, controlled by cackling witches who's multicolored cloaks streamed behind them, tattered rags I knew to be an illusion to scare the living daylights out of me.

  I glanced behind then kept running as riders encouraged their charges to speed up. Selma's voice sounded odd, off somehow, and then it clicked. I stopped running, knew there was no point and that getting to the house wouldn't happen.

  "Whatever you do, don't try anything foolish. Stand beside me, but when I tell you to move, you move, okay?"

  "What's happening?"

  "We're under attack by devious, dangerous witches. I didn't expect them to find something out so soon, and I sure as hell didn't expect to meet you today. Do not say a word to them, understand? Nothing. And I'm sorry, this won't be pretty."

  "Okay." Penelope didn't know what was happening, but I did. I'd screwed up, but for once I didn't feel completely responsible. Mabel had it coming and this was her reaction. Was I ready? No. Was I worried about Death? Not really. Why? Dunno. I'm funny like that at times, I guess.

  The witches circled us as Selma stopped in front on her midnight beast.

  "You can cut the act, Mabel. I know it's you."

  "Haha, you see through my disguise?"

  "Duh. Why bother dressing like that? What's the point?"

  "After Selma's treachery I thought I would come and try to reason with you. Impersonate her and maybe get back what you have taken from me. But then I had a better idea," she cackled. As another rider pulled up, the Queen nodded to her and the woman waved a hand. Mabel's body morphed and she was back as the witch bitch I knew and disliked immensely.

  "What, planning on winning me over with that outfit were you? Why'd you get her to put up the spell?"

  "My sisters like to help, and practice is always good."

  "Whatever."

  "I see you, Arthur Salzman. I know your inner thoughts. You're the same as all men. You see a young girl in a sexy outfit and you lose your ability to reason. I was going to seduce you, get what is mine that way. But horses, oh, I do love horses. They like me too. It's a witch thing," she added.

  "Blah, blah. So, what do you want again? I forget." I was trying to keep a shaking Penelope behind me, but it was little use as there were witches all around us now. I was going to lose this before it had even begun.

  I am such an idiot. But how was I to know this would happen? How was I to know Mabel would be on my case so soon, and here of all places? And how was I to know I would meet Penelope?

  "It's not here," I said, sounding so convincing that I almost believed it myself.

  "Oh, it's here all right. I can smell it, taste it." Mabel pulled on the reins and the horse stopped circling us.

  "Where's Selma?" I snapped, not in the mood for this at all. Plus, worn down to the bone, and weak as a kitten. What was I going to do? How could we escape? Mabel was stronger than me, that was blindingly obvious. Without some fast thinking, and faster acting, I was done for. Sasha was gone, would probably turn up when this was all over and offer her help too late, but everyone else was still inside.

  Right on cue, George came rushing down the field, looking freaked then angry when she saw the mad witches riding her horses.

  "Stay in the house," I shouted, but George kept on coming. "I said go back to the house. Now!" George shook her head and marched forward, ignoring the witches that were barely controlling the horses, angry eyes focused on Mabel.

  "Ah, George, isn't it?" asked Mabel with a smile.

  "Yes. You're on my horse. They are too." George indicated the others with a nod of the head.

  "I told you to stay inside," I said gently.

  "And I don't like people stealing my horses." George was defiant, and she looked scary. Red hair almost burning as her anger increased and so did her overall color.

  I'd never seen her like this, but it was as though she could burst into flame at any moment. She'd been learning her craft, and fast. These damn witches would be the death of us all. I decided that if I survived I would reevaluate what I knew about them, and tread a little more carefully in their presence.

  This would get messy very quickly unless I did something. So I did what I had to do.

  "Fine," I sighed, "you win. You get down, let George sort the animals out, and I'll give you what you need." I bloody well would as well.

  "That's more like it," said Mabel, grinning with
a self-satisfied smile that made me regret not doing my best to kill her back at the Residence. Not that I could have, but still.

  Mabel dismounted with surprising grace and the others weren't half bad either. With a nod from Mabel, they led the horses back to the stables and the Queen held out the reins for George, grinning at her. "The offer is still open, you know. You may join us, learn from us."

  "I think I'm doing fine on my own," said George, taking the reins carefully and leading the stallion away after a few protests from the beast.

  "Now, you will return what you have stolen."

  "Why is it so important?" I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me even now. "I know for a fact that Selma believed you were going to use the cauldron to do some mad witchcraft, somehow use it to destroy Ivan. But I don't believe it for a second. What's the deal, eh? Why so much riding on a damn cauldron?"

  "You really are a stupid man," noted Mabel. "You think I would tell one as young, and as untrustworthy as Selma my plans? Nobody knows. That is how you keep secrets. They knew I was to use the cauldron, but not how. What makes you think you deserve the answer?"

  "Oh, just curious. After all, I think we know each other pretty well now, right? Just between us," I whispered. "Promise I won't tell."

  "Arthur, I'm scared," said Penelope, gripping my hand tight.

  "Don't worry. Go back to the house, wait for me there. Go with George, now." I nodded at George as she returned. This was the perfect way to get them both away. No way would George leave Penelope here, so she had to go too.

  "I'll take you," said George, then she nodded at me. I released Penelope's hand reluctantly and turned to Mabel.

  "Will you let them leave? Your fight is with me, right?"

  "As you wish," she said dismissively.

  I watched as George literally dragged Penelope away. What she was thinking I had no idea, but it wouldn't be anything good. I'd blown it good and proper now. After seeing the kind of crap that happened on an all-too-regular basis she'd be off, no matter how we felt about each other.

  "Now it's just us," I said.

  "Just us."