Love is Strange: A Taboo Anthology

by Yolanda Olson

  “Are we okay?” he asks, crossing his arms loosely over his chest.

  “Considering you almost killed me, I wouldn’t exactly say all is forgiven,” I quip, reaching for my bottle, but Silas is faster. He takes my hands in his and gives me a firm tug toward him, almost knocking me off my feet and laughing when I have to do a clumsy little dance just to stay upright.

  “Hey,” he says softly, leaning his head down toward me. When I look up, I’m suddenly so close to his face that I can see him for the first time again and it sends a shiver through my body. “That bad?” he teases with a grin.

  My face feels hot—I’m blushing, and I hate it. I hate him, and I hate everything about being in this place, but I can’t pull away. Not just yet.

  Silas presses his forehead gently against mine and places a soft kiss on the tip of my nose.

  “I imagine this is what sugar and cyanide tastes like,” he says, with a low chuckle. “But there’s only one way to really find out.”

  He lifts my chin up toward him and doesn’t hesitate to press his lips against mine. It’s a gentle kiss at first—sweet and full of the melancholy sadness that fills me each and every day that I’m alive, but then it turns into something different. Something hungrier—something more deliberate and before I know it, he’s got my back pressed against one of the stalls, his body pushed against mine.

  I don’t pull away from him. My body wants to feel his touch, my heart is racing for the taste of his lips, but my mind is telling me that this is the last thing I need right now.

  “Wait,” I say, pushing him away gently as I try to steady my breathing. “Not so fast. After all, I’m still trying to recover from my near-death experience.”

  “I’ll give you a near death experience,” he says in a thick voice, a grin playing across his lips.

  “Silas. Please?” I ask.

  He lets out a heavy sigh but moves away from me and goes back to the sink to grab his bottle. “When you get that stick out of your ass, you know where to find me.”

  As I watch him walk out of the bathroom so nonchalantly, anger takes over me. I grab my bottle and throw it at the door as hard as I can, just missing him as it swings closed, leaving me alone again.

  Chapter Six

  I’m standing in the doorway to my apartment watching the rain fall onto the small stoop. It’s an unusually warm day for October in Brattleboro which allows me to enjoy the weather barefoot and carefree, especially since my neighbors are gone for the weekend. They don’t bother me, and I don’t bother them, which is probably best, because I’ve only run into them once or twice and those few times ended with an awkward size-up, a mutual fumbling for door keys, and a damn near simultaneous slamming of front doors when we managed to tumble into our respective spaces.

  On the other side of the wall is a young married couple, their two-year old son, another one on the way, and a pet bulldog that’s as quiet as a dog can be.

  She doesn’t know that the real reason he comes home late from work most nights is because he’s picked up some barely legal hooker for a quick bang in the back of his SUV. It’s okay though, because he doesn’t know that when she puts their son down for his mid-day nap every Tuesday and Thursday, the gardener with the sun-kissed tan skin, taught belly, and bedroom eyes goes into the house to fuck her against the washing machine.

  The only reason I know those cheap little secrets is because one time, they got into such a heated argument over his late nights and her not answering his afternoon calls that they started to accuse each other of cheating, until the other broke down and confessed. But they worked through it I assume, because that was the one and only time I’ve ever heard them raise their voices in anger toward each other.

  And yet on the rare occasion that I happen to glance out my window and see one without the other, it’s usually the husband, late at night, pacing his half of the backyard, smoking a cigarette and glancing up at the night sky.

  They’ve been gone for the past week; the husband, the wife, the son, the unborn baby, and the dog and it makes me feel lonelier than usual. I hate not hearing footsteps on the other side of the wall just as much as I hate them when they wake me up early on weekday mornings.

  Miko brushes against my leg, pulling me back to the present and I glance down at her, giving her a smile. She gently pushes herself against me a little firmer this time, so I lean down and scoop her up in my arms. She’s not an ordinary companion, but I’m by no means an ordinary kind of girl and she makes me so happy when I feel like the sun will never shine again.

  I put her back down and let her trot into the apartment again, closing the door behind us both and sighing. The only reason I’m thinking about them right now is because I find a small ounce of jealousy building inside of me.

  I always hoped that when I got far away from my family, I would magically fall into a normal life and that everything would be like it was with my parents—a loving and caring relationship, two kids; a boy and a girl, and the white picket fence that everyone strives for.

  Instead, I find myself more alone than ever and the one person I know can give me some semblance of the normality I crave so desperately is also the person I keep pushing away.

  Time to change that.

  I go and sit on my couch and pick up my cell phone. I managed to pry Silas’ phone number from Vanessa the last time I was at the bar and didn’t even care how she came to have possession of it. She gave it over freely and that’s all that mattered in that moment.

  I tap the screen and bring it to life before I scroll down to his name in my contacts list and push the call button.

  Three rings later and I almost hang up the phone when I hear his voice.

  “Yeah?”

  “Silas? Um, hi. It’s, um, it’s me.”

  I groan internally at the sound of my voice. Instead of being the confident woman I had every intention of being, I sound more like a terrified, squeaky mouse.

  “Me, who?” he asks in confusion.

  A sound of laughter erupts in the background and I can hear him tell someone to fuck off. He’s either at the Tavern again or he’s out with his guys somewhere else.

  “Who is this?” he asks more persistently.

  “Axelle-Rose,” I reply quietly.

  Silence.

  I can hear the rustling of his hand covering his phone and the mumbling of his voice as he tells his friends that he has to take this call and that he’ll be back shortly.

  “What’s up, Hair Metal?” he finally asks, a passing breeze becoming caught up in the phone. I smile and shake my head; there’s nothing in this world that will get him to stop calling me that. “Wait, how did you get my number?”

  “Vanessa,” I confess nervously.

  “Oh. So, what’s up?”

  I clear my throat and take a deep breath. I had an entire speech prepared for him and now I’m swallowing it down, unable to say it as I planned.

  “Can you come over? I mean, if you’re busy I understand.” My tone comes out high-pitched and rushed, and the only answer that greets me right away is the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears. I feel dizzy, ready for his rejection, but he surprises me.

  “Yeah. Just text me your address, okay? I’ll go wait in my car for it. See you in a few.”

  Click.

  The line drops, and my hands are shaking. I swipe away from the phone call list and open my messages, willing my fingers to cooperate as I send him the information he’s apparently waiting for.

  I find it hard to believe that he’ll come over. I think his acceptance was more of a way to get me off the phone so he wouldn’t have to explain to his friends who he was on the phone with, but when he replies with a got it, I toss the phone back onto the couch and let out a relieved sigh.

  But then it hits me.

  Silas is on his way to my place and it shouldn’t take him more than twenty minutes to get here.

  “Fuck. What did I just do?” I groan, rubbing my face with my hands.

&
nbsp; Miko runs down the hallway, slides onto the doormat, and turns around to run away again, making me smile. She can always tell when I’m tense and will do her best to make her human feel better. She’s very smart like that and one of the many reasons I love her so damn much. I always said to myself after I got her, that if I never get the chance to have kids, then I would have at least had her and that’s rewarding enough.

  I don’t know what to do with myself while I wait for him to arrive, so I decide to do nothing. I stretch myself out onto my back and cross my arms behind my head and wait.

  A yawn escapes me, and I do my best to stay awake. The last thing I need right now is to have another nightmare before he shows up and answer the door a sweating, panicky mess.

  It would be too hard to explain without telling him why I’m so stand-offish first.

  I’m not entirely sure how the time passed by so quickly, or if he just sped the entire way over, but when a knock on the door greets my ear, I sit up and shake the almost sleep away.

  Here goes nothing.

  I get to my feet and straighten out my clothes with my hands, push my hair behind my ears, and walk over to the door that’s only a few feet away from my couch.

  “Is this a joke?” he asks with a straight face as soon as I open the door.

  “Huh?”

  I’m confused by what he means, but the moment I see his lips twitching, I give him a playful shove, then step back so he can walk in.

  “I just never thought I would see your place is all. I mean, fuck. I barely get to see you these days,” he remarks as he walks passed me into the apartment. “Well, fuck. That’s disappointing.”

  “What is?”

  “I was half expecting a huge portrait of Axl Rose somewhere in here,” he replies, giving me a side-long glance.

  “You’re about to overstay your welcome already,” I say to him pointedly. He laughs and shakes his head as he crosses his arms over his chest.

  “Alright, so I’m here. What’s going on, kid?”

  “Come on, have a seat,” I say, leading him the few steps back into the living room, pointing at an empty chair across from the couch.

  Before I can tell him why he’s here, Miko runs back into the living room and immediately goes over to inspect the strange man in her home. Once she’s sniffed him a few times, and deduced that he’s not a danger to me, she comes over and curls up at my feet.

  He raises an eyebrow at her, then at me, and I shrug. A laugh escapes him as he looks around the room for a little bit. I offer him some water, but he declines and turns his eyes back toward me.

  I can feel a tear starting to sting my eye, but I blink it away and take a deep breath.

  Silas is watching me with curious eyes as I bite my lower lip and think about just how much I want to share with him right now. After all, he’s not exactly my favorite person in the world, but for some reason, I feel a connection to him and I think he can handle what I want to tell him.

  “Look, if you asked me to come here so you can tell me something personal, you don’t have to. I think that would kind of take the mystery out of whatever it is we’re trying to do here,” he says, giving me a goofy grin.

  I smile kindly at him and clear my throat. “No. I think it will be good for me to tell someone that doesn’t know. It may give you an idea of why I can be such a bitch.”

  He nods as he leans back in the chair and clasps his hands behind his head. “I’m all ears, Hair Metal.”

  Miko gets up from her place on the floor in front of me, stretches, and trots out of the room. I watch her with a smile because she knows this story. She’s heard it a thousand times before and has come to my bed at night when I’m crying over it, curling up by my head and placing a soft paw on my cheek.

  I have a rather large tattoo of her on my back to show my appreciation for her being such a good friend.

  Blowing out my breath, I turn my attention back to Silas and force a smile on my face. “I was sexually abused as a kid.”

  He immediately leans forward and holds his hands up. “I’m done. I don’t want to hear this story. Seriously, Axelle. I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it knowing it’s something I can’t fix.”

  “I’m not asking you to fix anything,” I reply, shaking my head in confusion. “I’m asking you to shut your fucking mouth for a minute and let me get this off my chest.”

  Silas crosses his arms tightly over his chest and grits his teeth. I can tell he wants nothing more than for me to stop, but he knows I’m just getting started and he has to hear me out if he wants to mend the bullshit between us.

  He runs a hand over his face irritably before he nods and leans back in the chair again.

  “Before I go too far into this, I want you to know that I’m okay now—for the most part, anyway. Sometimes I’ll wake up and have a cry over it but Miko always makes me feel better when I feel like the world is against me again.” I take a deep breath and look down at my hands, smiling sadly, before I glance back up at him again and continue.

  “It started when I was about five. My brother was seven years older than me and puberty was doing a number on his hormones. Anyway, for the first year it was innocent enough. Just a few kisses here and there, nowhere he shouldn’t have, you know? Like a peck on the cheek while I sat on his lap, or he would have me kiss him on his cheek, promising me a piece of candy each time. On my sixth birthday, shit escalated to kisses on the mouth. I guess since he had gotten away with it for as long as he had, and I had kept my mouth shut for the sugar rush, he knew that I wouldn’t tell on him. He would cry each time he would send me back to my room because he knew what he was doing was wrong and I didn’t understand what the hell was going on. Fast forward to my tenth birthday when he slid his dick in my mouth for the first time and the rest is history. It stopped when he moved out a couple of years later. Dad helped him find a job and a place of his own. When they would ask me if I wanted to go see him or stay over at his house for the weekend and I would start crying, they knew that something was up, but they never knew the extent of it because I didn’t tell on him. Neither of us did. And now, besides Miko, you’re the only person that knows what happened to me. I do feel a bit better being able to finally talk about it, so thank you for listening.”

  I glance at the doorway when I feel like we’re being watched and chuckle slightly, patting my lap. Miko must have heard her name, and with ears that size, I’m not surprised. I never did want a pet, but I found her online through a breeder once when I was looking for something to cheer me up and Fennec Foxes are happy little things to have around for the most part.

  I run my hands over her soft, tan fur as she curls herself up in my lap and closes her eyes. I won’t lie—I feel envious of her ability to nap right now when I’m the one that’s feeling drained from telling the story.

  “So, um, what happened to him?” Silas asks, finally breaking the silence. “Like where is he?”

  “Don’t know and don’t care,” I reply, shaking my head. “I try my best not to think about shit I can’t change, you know?”

  “Damn, Axelle,” he says quietly as he leans forward and rubs his face again. “I mean, if you ever find out where he is, you’d tell me, right?”

  “Why?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.

  Silas shrugs and cuts his eyes away from me. He’s trying to hide something in his eyes and because I can’t see them, he’s succeeding.

  “I don’t think the two of you have very much in common,” I add, dryly.

  “But we do,” he says softly as he glances up at me. “You.”

  “And I’m more than happy to keep you and him in a completely different memory box,” I reply firmly. “Don’t worry about him and don’t worry about me. I just felt like I owed it to you to tell you something about me so that maybe you can understand where I’m coming from when I snap at you for getting too close sometimes.”

  Silas gets to his feet and retrieves his car keys from his pocket, jingling them in the palm of hi
s hand for a moment as he looks at me with curious eyes.

  “Let me know you if you ever find him, huh?”

  Before I can tell him again that there’s no chance in hell I would even know where he is, nor would I care to look for him, he comes over, pats Miko gently on the head, then leans down and kisses me softly on the forehead.

  “I’ll see you later.”

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Seven

  Three days of silence is what I faced next. I’ve been good at not contacting Silas or Vanessa, but as I look down at my phone, a rueful smile playing on my lips, I can see that maybe one of them isn’t so good at staying away.

  There should be a cab pulling up outside soon. Get in it and come over.

  I walk over to my door and crack it open to find that a cab is indeed patiently waiting for me outside.

  “Just a sec!” I call out to the driver, who glances over at me, then smiles and nods.

  I’m dressed casually in a pair of loose fitting, black Victoria’s Secret lounge pants and a white V-neck t-shirt with no will to change into anything else.

  I don’t assume we’re going to be doing anything too earth shattering, so my attire will have to do just fine. I quickly walk over to the couch and slip my feet into my flip-flops before I reach for my purse, then hurry outside.

  Once I’m in the cab, the driver nods again. I lean my head back against the seat and close my eyes. I haven’t slept much in three days and I’m not entirely sure how long it takes to get to Si’s, but I think a nap is in order.

  “Miss? We’re here,” the driver announces in an amused tone.

  I sit up and give him a startled look, then grin sheepishly. I reach into my purse and ask what the fare is, but he shakes his head and tells me that it’s been taken care of already and I raise an eyebrow.

  This bastard thinks of everything, I think as I toss my wallet back into my purse with a shake of my head.