Summertime Nights

by Katie Winters

When the door was closed in Elsa’s room, Carmella sat on the floor against the bed and watched as Elsa went through her immense nail polish collection. The little bottles clanked against one another gently; it was like music. As Elsa placed out a blue, a turquoise, a pink, and a red for Carmella to choose, Carmella found her voice. Her question surprised her.

  “Why don’t you think Mom and Dad ever talk about Colton?”

  Elsa’s eyes drew toward Carmella sharply. She dropped her shoulders. “I think it hurts them too much.”

  “It hurts me, too. But I think it's way worse to pretend that he never existed,” Carmella offered.

  “I don’t think that’s what they’re doing, Carm. I hear them crying at night,” Elsa said.

  Carmella’s heart dropped into her stomach. She had a flashing image of herself — two years before — crying that it was all her fault, that she’d killed Colton. Her parents had said, “No, no. It’s not. It’s not your fault. It was just an awful accident.” so many times, but she had never fully believed them. She wasn’t sure they’d believed themselves, either.

  “Cody says that I should go to therapy,” Carmella blurted out.

  The color instantly drained from Elsa’s face. “Why are we talking about this? Don’t you want to paint your nails?” She stood and sauntered toward her boom box, where she placed a Madonna CD in the center, then cranked the sound. This was Carmella’s cue to shut up.

  Tina arrived about twenty minutes later. She peered in through the doorway, placed her head on the door frame, and said, “Look at my beautiful girls, hanging out together.”

  Carmella hadn’t heard her mother compliment her in what felt like years. She beamed up and flashed her hand around.

  “You went with turquoise, huh?” Tina asked. “Bold color.”

  “Carmella wants to be bold in every area of her life,” Elsa said. “She took the Seventeen magazine quiz that says she’s a strong, confident woman.”

  “Is that so?” Tina buttoned her cardigan toward her neck and tried on a smile that didn’t quite fit her face. “I’m going to run to the store. Do you girls want anything? Candy? Chips? Pop?”

  “Twizzlers, please!” Carmella cried.

  “Nothing for me,” Elsa said. She then cast Carmella a look and added, “When you get to be my age, you’ll learn how to watch your figure.”

  “Don’t listen to her, Carm,” Tina said. “Eat as many Twizzlers as you want. Life is too short.”

  Tina made her way downstairs. She hollered out for their father and said, “I’ll be home in a bit.” Then, there was the sound of the door and the latch as it closed.

  Carmella lost herself in Elsa’s bedroom after that. She painted her other hand, laid on the floor, and then listened as Elsa spoke on the phone with one of her best friends, who’d just broken up with her boyfriend and was inconsolable. When Elsa got off the phone, she sighed and said, “You won’t believe the kind of stuff you’ll have to put up with when you’re my age, Carm. It’s like boys become total foreign entities.”

  Carmella tried to imagine Cody becoming like that. He was her everything; they knew one another inside and out — at least, it seemed like. What exactly did Elsa mean?

  A few minutes after Elsa hung up the phone, the house phone rang. Elsa and Carmella continued to hang out; they figured Neal would grab it downstairs. After three rings, he did. And for a long time, Carmella didn’t think anything of it. People called all the time. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they didn’t call with bad news.

  Everything happened at once after that. It was kind of a blur. Even as Carmella lived through it, she found herself discovering flashbacks of the time after Colton had died. The two eras lived in parallel.

  Their father appeared in the doorway. He wore his coat and quickly blurted out that he had to leave the house. That he would call when he knew more. Both Elsa and Carmella looked at each other confused and scared. They sensed something was off immediately.

  “Where is Mom?” Elsa asked.

  Neal’s eyes were like stone. “I’ll call you when I know more.”

  Elsa and Carmella stood downstairs and watched the rain. Their father didn’t call; in the end, one of his friends and co-workers from the Lodge, a woman named Tatiana, came to the house. Her eyes were rimmed red with tears.

  “Where is Mom? Where’s our dad?” Elsa demanded.

  “Your dad is at the hospital,” Tatiana said somberly. “Your mother was in a very bad car accident.”

  It was only then that Carmella realized she had built up a wall around her heart. When her mother hadn’t arrived home in time, it was like her body had already assumed the worst. Elsa’s wails bounced from wall to wall in their large kitchen, but Carmella remained silent and in shock. How could this be happening again?

  They stayed awake until their father arrived home around one in the morning. He couldn’t fully say the news, but Carmella and Elsa already assumed the worst. They knew their mother was gone. They shared a bed that night, the two sisters, and stared into the darkness above. Carmella knew Elsa wasn’t sleeping, just as Elsa probably knew she wasn’t, either. Still, there was nothing to be said, only tears to be shed.

  Carmella cursed herself in the days leading up to and after the funeral. She cursed that the last memories she really had of her mother were filled with dread and sorrow. They hadn’t shared many laughs since Colton’s death. Carmella had felt like an alien in her own home. Her mother’s death wasn’t her fault, but she somehow took on the guilt anyway. Maybe, if she hadn’t killed Colton, her mother wouldn’t have gone out to the store that night. Maybe, if she hadn’t killed Colton, her mother would have felt comfortable enough to sit with Elsa and Carmella and paint her nails and gossip about teenage boys. Just maybe.

  Carmella found herself swimming in a sea of maybes.

  Neal was inconsolable until he wasn’t. By the time Carmella turned fourteen, he was a bit brighter, a bit more confident. He still struggled to look either of his girls in the eye, although Carmella could sense that Elsa and Neal were growing increasingly closer. Carmella was surprised to find that she felt like she just didn’t fit in even more than she had prior to her mother’s death. Again, Cody begged her to ask for therapy, but the concept felt so strange to her.

  “My entire family needs therapy. I guess we’ll just go crazy together,” she joked.

  They’d watched the years pass. Their broken family held none of the luster and warmth of previous years. When Carmella looked at old photographs of the five of them, she felt as though that was some other family living some other life, with very different thoughts and priorities. She couldn’t envision them in that reality at all. She supposed it was similar for Neal and Elsa, as well.

  It was only when Karen came into their lives that Carmella felt that first sigh of relief. Finally, someone saw her. Finally, someone wanted to include her. It was the “warmth” of the family she’d missed so much. And she clung onto it for dear life — until it, too, was gone for good.

  Chapter Three

  The Present

  It was early August — a steamy day of impenetrable sunlight and glittering Katama Bay waters. Carmella stood at the far end of the acupuncture table and adjusted her ponytail. In the hallway in the Katama Lodge and Wellness Spa, she could hear the soft laughter of Janine, her stepsister, as she joked with Mallory, Carmella’s niece, who had recently begun to work as the receptionist. It warmed Carmella’s heart to feel these new connections brewing which was a sensation that Carmella didn’t know well. After all, she had spent most of the previous thirty years closing people off, brewing in her own self-hatred, fighting to take care of herself and only herself.

  In recent weeks, all of that had changed, but Carmella knew better than to guess that years and years of trauma and pain would just fade away like that. Sure, she and Elsa had found common ground for the first time since their teenage years; but that didn’t mean Carmella fully trusted her. The love she had always had for her sister brewed str
onger and bubbled up to her heart. But in her core, Carmella had the sense that she was alone and would always be alone. Probably, that would never go away.

  There was a rap at the door. Carmella headed over and opened it to find Elsa herself. She wore a black button-down dress, and her face was vibrant.

  “Somebody looks like they had a great date last night,” Carmella said, giving her sister a once-over.

  Elsa blushed. She stepped inside — into Carmella’s space, something she so rarely did and sighed deeply. “I don’t know. Is it too soon?”

  Carmella shook her head. “I don’t think so. But only you know that for sure.”

  “Right. I know that. And I also love that Bruce gets it, you know? He lost his wife, too. But there’s still so much we can’t say to one another. I don’t want to tell him everything about Aiden, about our life together.”

  “And you don’t have to. Not ever. You can keep some of that sacred,” Carmella returned.

  Elsa nodded. “It’s strange, you know. Dating at forty-five. In some ways, I feel like a dried-up prune, and in others, I feel so free and alive and hopeful for the future.”

  Carmella laughed. Elsa sounded a lot like the women who breezed in and out of the Lodge, on the hunt for healing, renewal and growth. They weren’t sure how to grab the things in life they wanted the most, but they knew there was no other option but to leap.

  This “leaping” was something Carmella understood on paper. It was nothing she had ever managed to do herself.

  “Anyway, I wanted to stop in before you head off,” Elsa said. “I think it’s so cool that you’ve set aside time for this clinic.”

  Carmella nodded. “I can’t believe it, really. It’s a little spontaneous for my liking.”

  “But you love the southwest,” Elsa offered. “It’ll be so strange to be back, right? After all these years away.”

  “Sure,” Carmella replied. “I did a lot of growing up while I was there. I wonder if I’ll still feel my old self there at all.”

  “We never really grow up, do we? We just get older,” Elsa offered. “Which reminds me. I’m headed to Mila’s esthetician salon this week. I have to tend to some of these lines.” She pointed to the barely seen crow lines at the corner of her eyes.

  “You’re just as youthful as a daisy,” Carmella said.

  “Now, I know that isn’t true for a minute,” Elsa returned. After a beat, she asked, “What time is Cody picking you up?”

  “In about twenty minutes, I guess. It’s really kind of him to drive me to the airport.”

  “You know he’d do anything for you,” Elsa said. “He always has.”

  Carmella shrugged gently. “He’s just a really good guy.”

  Cody’s SUV pulled up to the Katama Lodge and Wellness Spa three minutes early. Carmella placed her suitcase in the back seat, alongside the car seat that normally held his toddler. As usual, the car smelled of sticky snacks and diapers. Cody had long since given up on apologizing for it. He frequently said, “This is just my life now,” and Carmella laughed.

  “Hey, hey!” Carmella said as she buckled herself into the passenger seat.

  “Hey there.” Cody beamed at her. He was forty-two, just like she was, with this dark brown beard and curly dark locks. His green eyes were the same as they’d always been, just lined with the slightest of laugh lines. “How’s your day going so far?”

  “Not bad. I had two appointments this morning.”

  “I love that you just poke people with needles all day,” Cody proclaimed. “It’s like you’re a torture enthusiast.”

  “Excuse me. I promote only healing and wellness,” she teased.

  “Yeah, yeah. But I know why you really got into it. Sadism,” he returned with a smile.

  Carmella planned to fly out from the Boston airport. Cody eased his car onto the ferry, parked in the belly of the beast, and then led Carmella up to the little bistro, where he ordered himself a beer and her a glass of wine. They sat in the splendor of the sun. As usual, they said, “This is the last year we can sit in the sun like this. It’s going to damage our skin.” And as usual, they made no motion to leave their spot.

  “How is Gretchen doing?” Carmella asked.

  “Oh, you know. Being three is hard work,” Cody jested. “She got into a fight with a little boy at the babysitter’s and apparently, Fiona had to go pick her up. She wouldn’t stop crying.”

  “Oh no. Did you bring another sensitive little creature into the world?” Carmella asked.

  “It really seems like it,” Cody replied, leaning into his chair. “I should have known better. Life is hard enough.”

  When they got back in the car and drove out of Woods Hole, Fiona, Cody’s ex-wife, called them on speaker.

  “Hey there.” Fiona’s voice was hard and stern. Carmella couldn’t remember if she’d always been like that.

  “Hi! What’s up?” Cody, as usual, was bright and accommodating.

  “I just wanted to let you know that Gretchen has a stomach bug,” Fiona said. “She threw up all afternoon. I’m going to need you to take her tomorrow since she can’t go to the babysitter’s and I have an entire day of meetings.”

  “That’s fine,” Cody affirmed.

  “Where are you? Am I on speaker?” Fiona asked.

  Cody adjusted his hands on the wheel. He looked suddenly nervous. “I think I told you. I’m bringing Carmella to the airport.”

  There was silence. Carmella’s throat constricted.

  “Maybe you did. I can’t remember,” Fiona finally said. “Hi, Carmella. I guess you can hear me?”

  “Hi Fiona,” Carmella replied. She felt terribly uncomfortable. “How have you been?”

  “Oh, fine. The usual chaos of raising a toddler.”

  “Yeah. I guess it’s rough.”

  “Think long and hard before you have one of your own,” Fiona returned. After a beat, she added, “I mean, not that you were thinking about it at all. Women can make all kinds of choices.”

  Carmella was forty-two years old. She had never been given a chance to think about such things. She felt herself shrink in her seat.

  “Thanks for the heads up,” she said.

  “I’ll pick up Gretchen this evening, actually,” Cody said. “So you can prep for those meetings.”

  “Really? That would be so fantastic.” Fiona breathed a literal sigh of relief. “I’ll see you later, then. Text me when you’re back on the island.”

  After they hung up, Carmella and Cody held the silence for a while. Carmella glanced at her nails and realized she had chipped one of them that morning — something she might have to rectify when she got to the Southwest, as she didn’t want to seem clumsy to the other people at the clinic.

  “I’m sorry to hear Gretchen doesn’t feel well,” Carmella finally said.

  “That’s kids, I guess. It’s always one thing after another.”

  Carmella nodded. “Fiona sounds stressed.”

  “She’s always like that.”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “I mean, I didn’t think she was when we got married,” Cody offered. “Maybe I was the one who made her stressed. Who knows?”

  Carmella had, of course, heard the ins and outs of Cody’s very brief marriage to Fiona. They had met when Cody and Carmella had both been thirty-five. Fiona had been thirty-two and very ready for marriage and babies. Cody had had a few semi-serious relationships over the years, but nothing that became solid. When Fiona had said, “Let’s do it,” he’d agreed.

  In the wake of that decision, he had fallen into an era of heartbreak. After the wedding, they’d had maybe a month or two of marital bliss before the fighting began. They’d already discussed divorce by the time Fiona ended up pregnant. They had decided to stick it out for the baby and then, by the time Gretchen had turned one, Cody had decided to move out. It had been a struggle for them both. Carmella was, of course, on Cody’s side, but she also had empathy for Fiona’s situation. It wasn’t like the unive
rse handed you a how-to manual. “How to have a happy marriage,” or “how to be a mother,” or “how to handle the intricacies of a divorce while caring for a toddler.”

  “Never get married, Carmella,” Cody said with a grumbling sigh then. “It’s nothing but heartache.”

  Carmella allowed herself to laugh, even though she didn’t feel it. She turned her head to the side and watched the side of the road, where the pavement disappeared up against the grass.

  “At least that little girl is worth it,” Carmella finally added, as she didn’t like the silence to stretch out so thin.

  “Oh, God. She really is,” Cody affirmed. “You should hear some of the new words she came up with the other day.”

  “She’s a smart little thing like you were. Remember when you were doing math academic team?”

  “Yes, I do. I was such a nerd. Hopefully, she doesn’t follow in those footsteps,” Cody chuckled.

  “I don’t know. Being a nerd suited us both,” Carmella admitted as she looked out the window twirling a piece of her hair. “Nobody needed us, and we didn’t need them, either.”

  “It was just us against the world,” Cody said with a smile. “That’s right.”

  Chapter Four

  The first time Carmella had embarked to the Southwest to hone a career in acupuncture, she’d been a new high school graduate. Her father hadn’t approved of the decision. He’d made that very clear on more than one occasion. But at the time, he’d just wanted her out of his life. She was a significant reminder of so many things: Colton’s death, Karen’s volatility, and Tina’s accident. He had kept Elsa by his side; even as she’d had her babies and built a life with Aiden, she had committed fully to being Neal’s business partner. This had left very little space for Carmella on the island.

  After Carmella’s training in the Southwest, she had returned to the island but not without trepidation. She simply hadn’t known where else to turn. In the wake of Karen’s absence, the Katama Lodge had lacked an acupuncturist, and Neal and Elsa had offered her the position. There had been resentment in Neal’s eyes when he’d agreed to it. Elsa had said it wasn’t so, but at the time, Carmella hadn’t trusted Elsa to tell the truth.