Embrace the Fire

by Felice Stevens

  “Marly. How are you?” He shut the door behind him to keep the miserable weather out of the reception area.

  He sensed the energy humming with the doctors and staff as he watched them bustle back and forth in the hallway. These people were so dedicated to their work; many had chosen to give up lucrative careers to help or volunteered after they’d already retired from private practice.

  Seeing these kids who lived in the age where supposedly everyone was more enlightened and accepting, and hearing their stories of abandonment, bullying, and outright rejection from their parents and their peers reinforced Tash’s belief that he’d made the right choice in his life, at least where work was involved. In his first case working with the Clinic, he’d helped a young man named Stevie, who had struggled with acceptance of his sexuality as well as some residual effects of the bullying and abuse he’d suffered at the hands of the foster brothers he once lived with. Only recently had Stevie begun to blossom and discover all life had to offer. He now excelled in his last year of high school and planned a future working at the Clinic. Tash was thankful he’d been able to help, even in his small way.

  “Hi, Dr. Tash.” Marly smiled at him. “Dr. Drew is waiting for you with your patient and his lawyer.” She handed him a sheet of paper.

  “Thanks.” He flashed her a smile. “How’s everything with you?”

  “Great. Did you hear that I got accepted to St. Francis College, so I can still keep working here while I go to school?” She looked nothing like the scrawny, scared teen she’d been over a year ago, now projecting an image of a confident, healthy young woman.

  “That’s great.” He shook her hand, knowing she wouldn’t appreciate a congratulatory kiss from him. “You should be proud of yourself.”

  “I am. If it wasn’t for Dr. Drew, I never would’ve made it.” The phone rang. “Excuse me, I have to answer that.” She picked up the phone. “Home Away from Home Clinic. How may I help you?”

  Tash walked down the hall to the back where the examining rooms were located. He heard the low murmur of voices behind the closed door of Drew’s office and knocked.

  “Come on in.”

  When Tash opened the door, he came face-to-face with Dr. Drew Klein. Sitting across the desk from Drew was the attorney, Connor Halstead, and the teen, Johnny Ramatour.

  “Tash, great. I was hoping it was you.” Drew indicated the empty chair next to Connor. “Have a seat.”

  “Thanks.” He dropped into the chair closest to the wall, next to Connor. He liked the bright Legal Aid attorney who defended his clients with a ferocious intensity. He was a man who believed in what he did, and in turn, Tash had nothing but the utmost respect for him.

  Connor bent to retrieve a file from his briefcase. “Now that we’re all here, let’s get this started. Johnny is doing his community service at the Clinic, and as part of his probation, he’s also required to undergo psychiatric evaluation and therapy.”

  “I still don’t think I need no fuckin’ shrink. There ain’t nothing wrong with me.”

  Great. Another teenager with an attitude. And this one had no reason to be angry, since he was getting out of jail time, as a result of the goodness of his Legal Aid attorney and the deal he’d worked out with the prosecution. Did the boy know how fucking lucky he was that someone gave a damn? Tash was about to find out.

  “You have a problem with the sentence, Johnny?” Tash glared at him. “That’s fine with me. I don’t give a shit one way or another. Go back to your miserable life—stealing, selling dope, and living on the streets. But know this. This is your big chance. You may not get another one. So if you fuck it up, there’s no guarantee you’re going to have another Connor or Drew or me to help you get and keep your ass out of jail.” He grimaced as he saw Johnny’s face grow pale. “And let me tell you; you have too pretty an ass for the inmates not to notice.”

  Connor’s lips twitched. “So, kid, you’ve now seen how this is going to play out. Dr. Weber here isn’t going to cut you any slack. You’re gonna have to work hard and dig deep within yourself to see where you messed up.”

  Johnny scowled. But behind the sneer, Tash glimpsed fear and uncertainty—a relief to him. It let him know that Johnny remained vulnerable, a child who’d never had a chance to grow up before society gave up on him and threw him away.

  But Tash knew not to show him weakness nor cut him any slack. At least at first. And this time he wouldn’t fuck up and think the problem solved because he believed what he was told. This time he knew the warning signs.

  “Are you up for it, Johnny? Or is that all you want to do with your life—live on the streets like a small-time hustler?” Tash saw he hit home with that point as Johnny’s eyes widened. He wasn’t surprised when the teen lashed out at him next.

  “What the fuck am I supposed to do? Nobody gives a shit about me. And tell me how I’m supposed to live, huh?” He folded his arms across his skinny chest and continued to glare at Tash.

  “How old are you?”

  “Seventeen,” he spat out. “Why?”

  Tash turned to Connor. “Can we get him in a home and back in school?”

  “Shit, man. I can’t go back to school. It’s been more than a year since I left home.”

  There was a knock at the door, and Johnny fell silent but continued shooting daggers at Tash, his animosity a visible presence in the room.

  “Come in,” Drew called out.

  The door opened, and Steve North came in with an armful of files. “Oh, I’m sorry, Dr. Drew. I thought you were by yourself. These are the files for tomorrow’s patients.”

  Drew smiled with affection at the young man. “Thanks. You can put them on the desk.”

  He smiled back. “Sure.” He set them down then looked around, obviously curious, Tash surmised, but too polite to ask any questions. “Well, I’ll be going.”

  Drew held up his hand. “Wait a minute. You know, Connor, Steve lives with a foster family. Maybe he can talk to Johnny and tell him how the experience has been.” He looked over at Johnny, who was gazing at Steve with a mixture of mistrust and a little bit of envy.

  “What do you think, Johnny? Steve had it really rough the last few years until my partner, Ash, and the rest of us got him the help he needed, right, Steve?”

  The young man nodded vigorously, long brown bangs flopping over his eyes. “Yeah, honest. They were all amazing. I’m doing really well in school, and I’ll be going to college next year.” He straightened up, tall and proud. “I’m going to study to be a medical technician so I can help the doctors here at the Clinic.”

  A myriad of expressions played out across Johnny’s face—envy, disbelief, wonder, and a dawning realization that maybe he too could break out of the cycle of despair. “Steve,” Tash said to the young man, “why don’t you take Johnny around and show him what he’ll be working on. He’s going to do some community service here for the next six months or so.”

  “Sure.” Steve beckoned to Johnny, who gave them a cautious smile—no more than a flicker across his lips, but Tash saw it and inwardly cheered. “Come with me; I’ll show you the computer system and the files.”

  Without a backward look, Johnny followed Steve out of the door and down the hallway. Tash could hear Steve chattering to him, and Johnny answered back, at first hesitant, then with increasing enthusiasm.

  “Steve will have him sold on this place by the end of the day.” Drew leaned back in his chair, a satisfied smile on his face. “He’s our number-one champion.”

  “He’s a great young man.” The story of Steve’s transformation, from bullied teen to model student, was almost a legend at the Clinic. “You did a wonderful job helping him.”

  Drew leaned forward on his desk, his face bright with excitement. “You and this mentoring program are going to help so many like him; I can’t even begin to imagine. It’s a great thing you’re doing. So many lives are going to be changed by this.” He glanced over his shoulder to look out the window. “Even the rain’s
cooperated and stopped.”

  What Drew didn’t know was how badly Tash needed this program for his own mental health. It was a way to give back, pay it forward for those who’d been left behind, and to make up for his own past mistakes. In the end, he’d be helped as much by the kids as he’d be helping them.

  Chapter Three

  A bit apprehensive, Brandon waited for Gage on the corner of Van Brunt Street in Red Hook. He was somewhat familiar with the area, having been to the Ikea to buy furniture for his apartment and Fairway to buy food. It had seen a resurgence in the past few years with young people, driven out of Manhattan and other areas of Brooklyn like Williamsburg by high rents, coming to live and work in Red Hook. Still, the overall fog of poverty hung over the hulking projects and this corner of the city like a dark shroud.

  The nerves had nothing to do with the area; he’d lived on the streets long enough to remember how to take care of himself in most situations. It was putting himself in a new environment, meeting new people. Exposing himself. The potential for discovery was enormous.

  Yet he couldn’t refuse Gage. In the back of Brandon’s mind, he wondered…if he and his brothers had a place like this when they were growing up, would his family be intact today? As if Luke stood there with him on that windswept corner, Brandon heard him promising to always be there and almost felt his comforting arms hugging him tight. Over ten years had passed, but Brandon missed his foster brother every day like crazy.

  Where the hell did you go, Luke? Are you even still alive?

  He drew his resolve around him like a shield of armor and promised to do for these kids what society had failed to do for him and Luke.

  Protect and save them.

  Darkness spread rapidly, and the streetlights glowed on, beaming out mellow golden pools of light down the block. Brandon idly watched a man exit the deli across the street, hefting a bag. He stood under the streetlight, and like a beacon, it shone on his waving brown hair and glinted off his glasses. He must be close to forty, Brandon mused, taking in the man’s long legs, pausing at his handsome face. Unaccustomed heat flooded through him.

  It had been months since Brandon had thought about sex or had a physical reaction to any man. Even when he’d been with Charlie, his emotions remained muted, the gropings and mutual hand jobs between them merely a means to an end. The times they’d had sex had always left him unsettled, edgy, and a bit depressed, as if some glorious secret, the one everyone became all dreamy-eyed about when they spoke of their lovers, remained tantalizingly out of his reach. Brandon yearned for an intimacy he sensed existed yet he’d never experienced.

  Averting his gaze so the man wouldn’t think he was staring, Brandon nevertheless tracked his progress as he crossed the street and entered the Clinic. Perhaps he’d be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of him inside. He was extremely good-looking.

  “I hope you haven’t been waiting long.”

  Brandon jumped, knocked out of his reverie by Gage’s arrival. “Oh, shit, yeah. Hi.” Brandon fumbled his words.

  “Did I scare you? Sorry about that.” He pointed at the Clinic. “That’s where we’re going. Why don’t we head inside? I can introduce you to Dr. Weber and get you settled.”

  Brandon shrugged. “Sure. Is anyone else coming from school?” It still disturbed him a bit that Gage had asked him. As if the man had somehow figured out Brandon had a secret and peeled back the layers he hid behind, exposing his core.

  “Nope, only you.” Gage patted him on the back. “You’re my first victim.” He laughed, and though Brandon joined him, an uneasy feeling settled in the pit of his stomach.

  They entered the low-rise brick building, and Brandon was immediately struck by the vibrant, almost electric energy inside as Gage greeted the young woman at the front desk. This was a place of action where things were accomplished, goals were achieved. Brandon came to a standstill, looking at the pictures on the wall behind the front desk, of all the doctors who worked there, he presumed.

  “That’s Dr. Drew Klein.” Gage pointed to a picture of a dark-haired man in his mid-thirties with a nice smile and light green eyes. “This clinic was his dream, and he started it and brought his two friends in on it. Dr. Jordan Peterson is an orthopedist”—Gage indicated the picture next to Dr. Klein’s of a handsome blond-haired man—“and Dr. Mike Levin is the dentist. The three of them run the medical center.”

  Once again, regret pricked Brandon’s heart. If only…but past regrets wouldn’t help present problems. “They sound like amazing people. Not many doctors would willingly come to a poor area and work with people who most want to forget.” He followed Gage down a hallway to the back of the building. They passed examination rooms and offices. Finally, they stopped in front of one of the closed doors marked Conference Room.

  “And Dr. Weber, the psychiatrist who is starting this mentoring program, is also a great guy.” Gage knocked on the door, then opened it without waiting for an answer. “I have a feeling the two of you will hit it off.”

  Immediately, Brandon’s antennae buzzed. “Why? Not to sound rude or anything but we don’t really know each other. Why would you think this man and I would be friends?”

  Giving him a funny look, Gage leaned against the doorway. “You’re right; we don’t know each other, but I’m hoping that’ll change. You remind me of someone.” His eyes darkened with pain for a moment. “Someone I lost who also kept things to himself until it all became too much for him. I want to be your friend, Randy. That’s all.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come off so harsh. I’ve been on my own a long time.”

  A tiny smile quirked Gage’s lips. “Maybe it’s time to end that as well. Tash is a great guy, and I think you two would make a good couple.” With those words, Gage walked into the empty room, leaving Brandon standing in the hallway, mystified. He hurried after Gage.

  “Wait. Uhh…how did you know I’m gay?”

  Gage shrugged. “A feeling. Am I right?” At Brandon’s nod, he continued. “My brother was gay, and like I said, you remind me of him.”

  “Well, I appreciate it, but I’m not looking for a relationship. I have the kids, my job…” He trailed off. “I’m fine as I am.”

  “No one wants to be alone.”

  Wanting desperately to change the subject, Brandon glanced around the empty room. “Guess we’re a little early.” Chairs sat around in a haphazard manner, and the desk in the front was bare of any material.

  When Gage checked his watch, he shrugged. “Yeah, only by about ten minutes. Why don’t I go tell them we’re here?”

  Before Brandon had a chance to answer him, Gage left. After wandering around the room, Brandon stood at the window, gazing out over the dark city sky. With Gage’s words still echoing in his mind, Brandon wondered if he could risk it all, go back home, and deal with the consequences. He understood a little better now, with the wisdom coming from a life hard-lived, why his foster mother had become so overprotective of him. Years of being beaten down and weakened by living with a bully and abuser like Munson would make anyone want to believe in a religion that promised salvation. While he didn’t understand the religious aspect, he supposed it gave her something to hold on to when her life crashed and burned around her.

  The door opened. “Oh, hello. I didn’t realize anyone was here yet.”

  Brandon turned from his contemplation and his eyes widened, recognizing the man he’d seen outside. Once again, his body registered an unusual heated response.

  “Yes. I’m here for the mentoring program. I came with Gage Taylor.” The man was even better looking close-up. Behind the glasses, his hazel eyes glowed with interesting streaks of gold. The rugged face with its angular bones wasn’t classically handsome but rather, arresting, and in Brandon’s eyes, so much more memorable.

  “Oh, great.” The man entered the room, leaving the door ajar behind him. “We were hoping Gage was able to pick up a few volunteers to come tonight.” He extended his hand. “I’m Tash. I run the
program.”

  This was who Gage had spoken about? Admittedly, the man had caught his eye from across the street, but realizing he was a doctor set Brandon back a bit. He had little in common with such an accomplished person. Gage must be nuts. Tash would never be interested in a poor nameless schoolteacher. And what the hell was he even thinking about a relationship for?

  But at the press of Tash’s hand, a shiver rippled through Brandon; Tash’s hand felt warm…secure…safe. He wondered if his lips were as soft as they looked. Obviously, that conversation with Gage had set off something in his brain.

  No one likes to be alone. But what do you do when all you’ve known is loneliness? How do you break free?

  Confused and disturbed by his battling emotions, Brandon withdrew his hand a little quicker than he normally would and sat in one of the chairs. He clasped his shaking hands together and attempted to make normal conversation, hoping Tash wouldn’t notice how strained his voice sounded.

  “Uh, Tash. That’s an unusual name.”

  Tash rubbed his chin ruefully. “Would you believe my mother is an avid reader of Regency romances and Sebastian was her favorite name? My sister couldn’t pronounce it when she was a baby, and she shortened it to Tash.” He chuckled. “I suppose I should be grateful she didn’t also add the title she loved the most, or you’d be calling me Duke.”

  They were still laughing when Gage walked in followed by a group of people, some of whom Brandon recognized from the pictures hanging on the wall.

  “Oh good, Randy, you met Tash.” Gage dropped into the chair next to Brandon. “Randy is the teacher I told you guys about. Even though he joined our staff permanently only this year, he’s already made a tremendous difference in the lives of the kids he teaches.”

  Brandon’s face colored, and he squirmed under the scrutiny as the attention of everyone in the room shifted to him. “It’s no big deal,” he muttered. “The kids are awesome and eager to learn.”