Embrace the Fire

by Felice Stevens

  “Yeah. I changed my name. I wanted a fresh start.” A pained expression crossed Luke’s face. “Once you were gone, there wasn’t anything holding me there any longer.” He closed his eyes for a brief moment. “I came up north, went to school, and found a job I love.”

  “And then you met me and your life became complete,” Jordan joked, but Brandon watched him squeeze Luke’s shoulder in a gesture of comfort.

  “You’ll discover Jordan is nothing if not humble and modest.” Luke rolled his eyes, but his smile flashed brightly when he gazed at his lover.

  Brandon couldn’t ever remember Luke lighthearted and free. Watching him tease Jordan gave Brandon hope that whatever sadness Luke had carried around with him all those years ago had been exorcised from his soul.

  “I looked for you once I was able to, but I never found any trace. Now I know why.” So many wasted years.

  Luke’s expression turned somber and he pulled over a chair and sat down. “I’m sorry for that. I wanted no reminders of what I’d left behind.”

  “Oh.” Maybe that included Brandon as well. He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes to ward off any embarrassing tears that might leak through. “I know we live in different worlds now, but I was kind of hoping we’d get a chance to reconnect.”

  “Brandon,” said Luke gently. “Look at me.” He hitched his chair closer.

  Uncertain as to what Luke would say, Brandon hesitated a moment. Then he heard Tash’s voice murmur in his ear, “Don’t worry. It’ll be okay.”

  He looked into Luke’s eyes, and his misgivings melted away at the fiery protectiveness burning in their depths.

  “You’re my brother. Not a day has gone by without me thinking about where you were—if you were alive or safe.” Luke leaned forward and gripped Brandon’s hands. “I’m still in shock trying to wrap my head around this all, but nothing’s going to keep us apart ever again.”

  Over the years, Brandon had learned to live with disappointment; the terrible loss of Ash and Luke had never strayed far from his mind. To know that Luke had missed him as well released a weight from his chest he wasn’t aware existed until he heard those words.

  “Are you sure?” His gaze traveled between Jordan and Luke. “I don’t really fit in—”

  “Don’t be stupid,” said Jordan, brushing aside his protest. “You’re family, and family takes care of each other.” Jordan wrapped his arms around Luke. “It’s what we do.”

  “I told you so.” Tash’s whisper, coupled with the comfort of his hand on Brandon’s shoulder, steadied the staccato beating of his heart. As a tentative smile curved his lips, voices could be heard in the hallway.

  “Oh shit. I forgot they were coming.” A giant smile lit up Luke’s face.

  “What’s going on? Who’s coming?” Brandon didn’t think he could take any more shocks.

  Before anyone had a chance to answer, there was a knock on the door, and Jordan called out, “Come on in.”

  Tash took his hand in a tight grip as Brandon rose from his chair and recognized Dr. Drew Klein from that first night he went to the Clinic—the night that started his life in a new direction. A step behind him was an elderly lady, who held the arm of a tall, dark-haired man. His head bent low as he whispered something in her ear that had her laughing.

  The smile froze on Brandon’s lips as he stood frozen in shock. No, no, this couldn’t be happening. And for the second time in the span of minutes, Brandon couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t possible, was it?

  “It’s going to be fine,” Tash whispered in his ear.

  This time he wasn’t so sure, as his heart pounded like a jackhammer.

  Drew waved. “Jordy, hey. You look like you’re feeling better. And Luke.” He cocked his head. “You’re all hopped up; how much coffee did you have?”

  “None.”

  Drew smiled at Brandon. “Randy, I’m glad to see you again and even happier to hear you reconsidered working on the project.”

  Unable to answer, Brandon’s attention remained fixated on the two other people who’d walked in with Drew. Finally, the dark-haired man straightened up and looked his way. And when their eyes met, Brandon knew their broken circle had been repaired. It might only have been fifteen minutes rather than the fifteen years since they’d been together. He’d recognize those clear, silvery eyes anywhere.

  Ash. It was Ash. Both of his brothers, here with him at last. It was almost too much to comprehend. He took a step toward the door, then stopped, once again weighed down by uncertainty and a bit of fear.

  No longer a scrawny, scared kid, Ash had grown into an intense, dark man. Intimidating was a good word to best describe him, although the gentle way he held the elderly lady’s arm belied his looks.

  Ash’s laughter drained away, replaced by what Brandon knew his own face mirrored—shock, unbearable joy, and a touch of fear. And also like Brandon, Ash remained rooted to the floor—frozen, white, and shaking.

  “Asher, darling, whatever is the matter?” The elderly lady spoke, concern edging her slightly accented voice. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  Luke approached her. “Esther, it’s wonderful to see you. You’re about to witness one of those miracles you always mentioned yet I refused to believe, at least until now.”

  “Jordan, do you have any idea what your young man is talking about?” She continued to hover next to Ash, whose gaze remained fixed on Brandon, yet he couldn’t seem to move or speak.

  “Drew, Esther.” Luke’s voice cracked as the tears threatened. “Randy, this young man here, is really Brandon.” Brandon watched the woman’s face transform itself with joy as she placed a hand to her chest and clutched Ash’s arm tight.

  “Oh, my darling Asher.”

  Drew immediately went to Ash and took his other hand.

  In the depths of Ash’s glittering eyes, Brandon witnessed the devastating anguish that lived within his brother’s heart. Had none of them escaped unscathed?

  “Ash? You, here? How is all of this possible?” Everything seemed to have worked out so perfectly for them. They had loving families and high-paying jobs, while he’d lived on the streets and had to fight for every scrap.

  “Brandon, my God, it is you.” Ash blinked and swallowed heavily. He let go of Drew and Esther’s hands and advanced toward Brandon. Ash had been so much older and bigger than Brandon when he left, now Brandon was shocked to see they were almost the same height.

  “Surprise.” Brandon attempted a weak laugh.

  “Where have you been all this time?” Ash’s hands flexed, and it seemed as if he wanted to touch Brandon but was afraid.

  And Brandon, who’d longed for this moment for years, didn’t know how to react now that it was here. They all seemed like players in a game, circling one another, afraid to get too close or touch for fear they’d disappear.

  Tash, however, had put his coat on. “I’m going to leave you all to your reunion. I think it’s wonderful you’ve found each other and can be a true family again.” Without waiting for a response, he walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

  Brandon wanted to run after Tash and drag him back. Why would Tash leave him alone in a roomful of strangers? Even though this was the moment he’d waited years for, it seemed wrong now without Tash beside him to share it. Sadly, he was closer to Tash after only spending the past few weeks together than the two men who were his brothers.

  “Go on, sweetheart.” Drew’s grandmother urged Brandon as she sat down on a chair Ash pulled over for her. “Tell your brothers everything.”

  Drew’s face shone with happiness. “I can’t tell you how long we’ve waited for this moment. Ash has had an investigator looking for you for several years now.”

  Tell them everything? Never. Alarm cramped Brandon’s stomach then died. If Luke or Ash had heard anything, they wouldn’t have been so welcoming. So his secret was still safe. “An investigator?” Careful not to sound too nervous and suspicious, he schooled his face to rem
ain pleasantly curious.

  After numerous attempts to clear his throat, Ash could finally speak. “Yes. It was how I found Luke. Even though he changed his name, I tracked him down.”

  “Ash can be a bulldog. I refused to speak to him for months. We had a world of misunderstandings to make up for, and it wasn’t easy, but we’re in a good place now. Too much hurt and pride made me stubborn and miserable.”

  “I can attest to that.” Jordan smirked. “Lucas was a miserable person, but I turned him around and made him the charming person he is today.”

  “Whatever you say, Prep School.”

  Ash, Brandon sensed, was a different story. Demons still lingered, locked up tight inside his older brother. The eyes told the story of what resided within.

  “I always imagined this day,” Brandon began in a halting voice; the room grew silent as he spoke. “For years, I lived with the hope that somehow one of you would find me, even though I knew it was impossible. So when that didn’t happen, I left on my own when I was seventeen and lived on the streets.”

  Ash shuddered, and Drew went to sit next to him, taking Ash’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together. At Drew’s touch, Ash visibly relaxed and threw his lover a grateful smile.

  “We’re listening. Go on.”

  The kind face of Drew’s grandmother made it easier for Brandon to speak. “I’m sure you’ve all heard our foster father was a difficult man to live with. He was a drunk and beat our mother and occasionally me.” There was no need to get graphic with the elderly woman listening.

  Ash met his eyes. “Did he ever touch you? Inappropriately, I mean?” The words came out as a whisper, forced as if it was too difficult for him to say out loud. Obviously, though, everyone in the room knew what Ash was talking about. No one looked shocked or uncomfortable with Ash’s question.

  “No. He liked taking a belt to my naked butt, but I think that was more for the pleasure he got beating up someone weaker than himself.” A dawning horror raced through him at Ash’s grim, unblinking stare. The implications of Brandon’s thoughts were too horrifying to say out loud, yet he needed to know. “Did he…? Is that why…?” Unable to put together a coherent sentence, he looked back and forth between Luke and Ash.

  Ash’s brief, curt nod chilled Brandon’s blood. “It was so he wouldn’t touch you and Luke, but it became too much for me. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I ran.” Ash let go of Drew’s hand and clenched his own into fists. “I shouldn’t have run; I should’ve stayed and protected you both. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

  The horror of what Ash had silently endured over those years broke Brandon’s heart. “He didn’t touch me; I promise. It was never like that. When I was taking courses in child psychology in college, I read up on sexual abusers. I thought it would be good preparation for teaching and what to look for in case one of my students showed up at school with signs of abuse. I learned that sometimes the abuser focuses only on one child and leaves the others alone. Maybe he couldn’t touch me because I was so young when I came to live with you all. I guess we’ll never know.”

  Luke let out a shuddering breath. “Maybe he thought he really killed me that night, and he got scared they’d find him and put him jail. I’d kill him myself if I ever saw him again.”

  Brandon swallowed hard and faced Ash. “You don’t need my forgiveness, Ash. You were too young to have all that responsibility, and with what that man did to you, I’m in awe you stayed as long as you did.” The abuse Ash had suffered protecting him and Luke might have killed a lesser man. “You’re stronger than I ever imagined.”

  “Where is he now, still in Pennsylvania?” Luke didn’t need to say the name. They all knew whom Luke meant. Brandon couldn’t tell them, so he remained ambiguous.

  “I-I don’t know.”

  Luke squeezed his hand. “You’re safe now. I promise with everything I have, you’ll never have to worry about him or anything again.” He glanced up at Jordan and smiled. “You’ve already met Jordan. He and I live together.”

  Brandon gave a weak smile. “Hi again.”

  Jordan chuckled. “I know this is overwhelming for you. You don’t have to figure out everything now.”

  Brandon remembered those similar words from Gabriel all those years ago when he sat huddled in a doorway, homeless and alone. “I know. It’s only…” He shook his head in disbelief. “How can it be that your entire world can change in a minute? If I hadn’t met Gage and he didn’t introduce me to Tash, none of this would ever have happened.”

  The smiles on everyone’s faces dimmed at his words.

  “Did I say something wrong?”

  Jordan’s eyes glittered brightly as he answered. “Not at all. And it’s the most wonderful thing that could have happened for Lucas and Ash. We were remembering my fiancé, Keith, who was killed and in whose memory this Center was created.” He leaned over and kissed Luke. “The mysteries of the world are best left alone sometimes.”

  Sometimes dreams did come true. Like a phoenix from the ashes, the wreckage of their family had been pieced together to rise back strong to take its place among the living. Damaged somewhat, and a bit worse for wear, but never broken or destroyed.

  From loneliness to abundance, fear to elation, Brandon knew he’d never forget this day or this tiny room. Life with all its untapped promises had seemed impossible at one point in Brandon’s life. Now it unfurled like a shining path, stretching endlessly in front of him.

  But a certain hollowness lingered with Tash’s disappearance. Why would he leave when Brandon needed him most of all? Tash was his support, his steadiness in this flux of emotional chaos that was his life at the moment.

  “You see, Asher, darling. It’s time you let go of your pain. You have your family, all of us now together.” The quiet voice of Esther, Drew’s grandmother shook with emotion. She fixed her gaze upon Brandon. “My dear young man, the joy you’ve brought to us today is hard to put into words. Knowing how Asher has suffered and Lucas as well, I’m so thankful to still be around to see you all reunited.” She wiped her tears with a handkerchief. “This day will be a new beginning in all your lives, I’m certain.” Her eyes twinkled, and Brandon couldn’t help but smile back at her. “And I must be the luckiest woman in New York City to have all these handsome young men around me.”

  “Nana, you’re incorrigible.” Drew shook his head as they all laughed.

  “Why? I simply speak the truth.” Her eyes narrowed. “Brandon, you said you lived on the streets. Where do you live now?”

  “That was years ago. I live in a studio in East Flatbush now.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” Luke looked to Jordan, who nodded. “You’ll come live with us. We have a gigantic town house; there’s plenty of space.”

  “We have an extra bedroom in the apartment.” Ash’s expression was hopefully expectant. “It’s all yours.”

  Destitution to richness. Brandon put up his hands. “Whoa, you guys. Hold on. I don’t need to move. I’m fine.” The four flights and dingy walls didn’t bother him as much as the suffocating loneliness of the nights. Although it was so much more than he’d ever expected, Brandon couldn’t help but wish for the home and family his brothers had achieved. Again his thoughts turned to Tash, and shockingly he knew that as amazing as this day had been, he wished he had someone of his own to share his newfound happiness with.

  The disappointment over Tash’s disappearance crushed him. Brandon wanted him there as a friend and ally. “I should go.” He stood but realized, somewhat disconcertingly, he had nowhere to be; he was supposed to be here with Tash at the Center, helping. But Tash had left him, and his brothers had lovers and lives of their own.

  “The reason I asked,” Esther continued as if Brandon hadn’t said a word “is that Mrs. Delany has been asked by her children to come spend the winter months in Florida. And though she says no, I am sure she wants to go.” She fixed Drew with a piercing stare. “She has baby grandchildren.”

  Drew
rolled his eyes while Ash hid a smile. “Nana, I’ve already told you to go bug Rachel and Mike for some great-grandchildren.”

  Ignoring that remark, she spoke directly to Brandon. “These people have determined I shouldn’t live on my own any longer, even if I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Don’t you think that’s silly?”

  “Come now, Esther. You aren’t getting into that again, are you? You know what the doctor said.” Ash gently scolded her, but Brandon noticed the love in his eyes. The lady was obviously a special person to them all.

  “Oh, what do they know?” Esther patted the seat next to her, appealing to Brandon. “Come sit next to me. I have a proposition for you.”

  Brandon glanced first at Luke, who grinned back at him, then at Ash, who gave him a wink.

  “Go on, little brother. One thing you’ll learn is it’s useless to say no to Esther.”

  Bemused, Brandon sat in the chair next to the elderly lady. “You have a proposition? For me?” He couldn’t imagine what she wanted.

  “Yes. Now since my companion wishes to go to Florida, and I wouldn’t dream of keeping her from her family, I propose you come live with me.”

  He opened his mouth to protest, but she swiftly and neatly cut him off. “Yes, yes, I know, you have your own life and don’t want to have to answer to me, but you’d be doing me the favor. I’d never stick my nose into your private affairs.”

  She stopped to glare at the others in the room, but no one said a word, although Jordan’s face was alive with suppressed laughter. “But think of it this way.” Here she put her small hand on his arm and fastened her bright blue eyes on his face. “You only just found your brothers. This way you could see them so much more often. They come every Sunday for dinner. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to begin to share your lives again?”