An Author's Odyssey

by Chris Colfer

  The pyramid worked more like a clock than Conner was anticipating. As the gears were pulled by the net, all twelve levels of the fortress rotated. The even levels turned clockwise, the odd levels turned counterclockwise, and the booby traps were triggered. The first chime went off and the Dolly Llama crew quickly found areas marked in red to stand on, crouch under, or hide behind.

  Winking Wendy and the navy sailors were fighting Sam’s pirates on the first level. They stepped into red circles drawn on the floor and watched as all the pirates around them fell through trapdoors and plunged into the lake below the fortress.

  The alligators splashed around happily—the conflict above was going to supply the biggest meal they ever had.

  The second level of the pyramid was covered in rope bridges. Sam’s pirates chased Fish-Lips Lucy around one side and Pancake-Face Patty around the other, and the women met on a red platform between bridges. When the traps were set off, the bridges snapped like large slingshots and the pirates were launched off the pyramid.

  Stinky-Feet Phoebe and Peg-Leg Peggy were dueling pirates in a long wooden tunnel between the third and fourth levels. Five seconds after the first chime went off, the women curled into a cubby outlined in red. A massive stone rolled through the tunnel, knocking Smoky-Sails Sam’s men down like bowling pins. It rolled right past the women without leaving a scratch.

  On the fifth level, Somersault Sydney and the admiral’s first mate were battling eight of Sam’s pirates each. They slid under a red platform just as stone blocks from the ceiling fell on top of their attackers. Somersault Sydney barely made it under the platform in time—she would have lost her legs if she hadn’t already.

  High-Tide Tabitha and Catfish Kate were fighting pirates back to back on a staircase between the sixth and seventh levels. They stayed on the only red step, and the rest of the staircase flattened into a slide. The pirates slid down the slide and into a shoot that dropped them into the lake below.

  Big-Booty Bertha had taken a wrong turn on the eighth level and was surrounded by Smoky-Sails Sam’s pirates. The floor was tiled and Big-Booty Bertha sighed with relief when she looked down and saw she was standing on the only red tile. Sharp spikes shot up from the floor and pierced through the pirates’ feet. They grabbed their injured feet and hopped around in pain. Unfortunately, Big-Booty Bertha’s backside was larger than the tile and one of her buttocks was scratched by a spike.

  On the ninth level of the pyramid, Siren Sue was running from pirates shooting rifles at her. She dived behind a red door just as an avalanche of logs swept through the level. The pirates were knocked down and rolled off the pyramid with the logs.

  Not-So-Jolly Joan and Too-Much-Rum Ronda wandered around the tenth level looking for someplace safe to hide. They weren’t paying attention and fell right through a trapdoor and directly into a cage. It wasn’t an ideal place to be, but the women figured they were safe enough. Too-Much-Rum Ronda and Not-So-Jolly Joan shared a bottle of rum while they watched their friends battle the pirates around them.

  The floor of the eleventh level was covered with unstable floorboards that spun, teetered, or just broke as soon as they were stepped on. Auburn Sally and Admiral Jacobson fought Sam’s pirates while keeping their balance on the stable floorboards painted red. To make matters worse, the eleventh level was also subjected to large swinging blades that the captain and the admiral had to avoid. The blades sliced into Sam’s pirates and knocked them out of the pyramid.

  From the twelfth and top level of the pyramid, Alex and Conner could see the Dolly Llama crew fighting the pirates on all the levels below. Conner heard something rattling at the bottom of his backpack and found that the Rosary Chicken had laid a bunch of eggs inside it—the excitement was too much for her.

  “Not so brave now, are you?” Conner said.

  The Rosary Chicken lowered her head in shame. The twins threw the eggs at the pirates below, causing them to slip and slide off the structure. They caught the attention of Killy Billy, and the murderous pirate climbed up to the twelfth level, bringing a gang of pirates with him.

  “Here, kiddy kiddies,” the tattooed pirate called after them. “I’ve got enough room on my right arm for two more victims!”

  “Go take a long walk off a short plank!” Conner yelled back.

  Killy Billy and the pirates chased the twins around the top of the fortress. When they reached the south side, the floor crumbled under their feet. The twins spotted red monkey bars above and grabbed them to keep from falling. Unfortunately, Killy Billy and the pirates saw them, too, and hung from them as well. They swung toward the twins and tried to knock them off.

  The Rosary Chicken fluttered out of Conner’s backpack and began pecking at one of the pirates’ fingers until they slipped from the bars. Then she moved on to the next pirate. Soon, Killy Billy was the only pirate left hanging. He kept one hand on the bars and reached for his rifle with the other. Alex gave him a nasty look and all the tally marks tattooed on his body magically turned into ticks. The pests dug into his skin and he screamed. He lost his grip on the bars and fell all the way through the fortress and landed in the lake below. The alligators dived after him, and Killy Billy never resurfaced.

  Alex and Conner swung across the bars to solid floor. The Rosary Chicken crawled back into Conner’s backpack and boastfully clucked up at him.

  “Okay, you’ve redeemed yourself,” Conner said. “Don’t get a big head about it. No one likes a cocky chicken.”

  Every thirty seconds, another chime would ring, another rope would snap, and the Dolly Llama crew would find another red zone to shield themselves from the traps of the pyramid. Smoky-Sails Sam’s pirates weren’t so lucky. His men were dropping like flies around the fortress. Soon, they were reduced to half their original size, then to a quarter, and then the numbers between Smoky-Sails Sam’s crew and the Dolly Llama crew were even. At this rate, it wouldn’t be long before Sam’s men were outnumbered.

  Smoky-Sails Sam didn’t care about his pirates as much as he cared about retribution. He pushed his way through the structure, carefully avoiding the traps, and headed for Auburn Sally.

  When eleven of the twenty-one ropes had snapped and the pyramid was halfway through its course, all the traps ceased and the areas in red stopped being safe zones. Instead, the red platforms, cubbies, and tiles started transporting the Dolly Llama crew members to different levels throughout the fortress.

  Winking Wendy was catapulted from the first level to the third by a spring hidden in the floor. Siren Sue was dropped into a slide on the ninth level that spat her out on the seventh. The platforms High-Tide Tabitha and Catfish Kate stood on were connected and turned into a lift—High-Tide Tabitha descended into the level below, and her weight sent Catfish Kate into the level above.

  Alex and Conner were standing on a red ledge when it suddenly collapsed and dumped them into a small cart. The cart rolled down a hidden track through the pyramid, and the twins felt like they were on a roller coaster. They tripped and pushed all the pirates as they zoomed past them and high-fived the Dolly Llama crew as they went.

  On the eleventh level, Auburn Sally and Admiral Jacobson ran across a wooden bridge that suddenly dropped two levels down and swung through the air by chain ropes. Like a faulty elevator, every thirty seconds the bridge descended another two levels. The captain and the admiral would hop off the bridge, help their crew fight the remaining pirates, and then ride it down farther.

  The element of surprise was exactly what the Dolly Llama crew needed to defeat the remaining pirates of Smoky-Sails Sam’s fleet. The pirates lost all sense of the whereabouts of the men and women they were fighting, which left them confused and more vulnerable. By now there were fewer than fifty of Sam’s pirates left in the fortress. Not wanting to end up in the lake or fall into a trap, the remaining pirates evacuated the fortress and fled into the trees.

  The Dolly Llama had successfully reduced Smoky-Sails Sam’s crew to nothing, but there wasn’t cause for celebrati
on yet. Smoky-Sails Sam himself was nowhere to be found.

  When the captain and the admiral’s bridge dropped to the fifth level, Smoky-Sails Sam appeared out of nowhere and leaped onto the bridge with his sword raised.

  Auburn Sally and Admiral Jacobson fought the manic pirate as the bridge swung and spun violently through the air. All three had to keep one hand on the railing so they weren’t flung off it.

  The Dolly Llama crew watched in horror as the bridge descended through the center of the pyramid—but there was nothing anyone could do. The twins’ cart reached the first level and slid across the floor. They narrowly missed being crushed as the bridge crashed to the floor beside them.

  Smoky-Sails Sam’s sword was bent in the crash, so he tossed it aside. The large pirate picked up Auburn Sally by her coat and threw her across the floor. Admiral Jacobson charged him with his sword raised above his head. Smoky-Sails Sam swiftly removed the rifle from his belt and shot the admiral directly in the chest.

  “No!” Alex screamed.

  “Admiral!” his first mate yelled.

  Jacobson’s eyes fluttered shut and he collapsed on the floor. Smoky-Sails Sam turned and aimed his rifle at Auburn Sally. Alex tried to think of something magical to save the captain, but she was so distraught, her mind went blank.

  “Any last words, Christine?” Smoky-Sails Sam growled.

  “Yes,” Auburn Sally said. “In Red, Ain’t Dead.”

  The final chime rang through the structure. Smoky-Sails Sam looked to the floor and saw he had thrown Auburn Sally directly into an area outlined in red. The last rope snapped, and just as Smoky-Sails Sam glanced upward, the heavy net of boulders fell directly on top of him. The Starboardia fortress had finished the job.

  It was so quiet, the Dolly Llama crew could hear one another’s heartbeats. All eyes were on the slain admiral. Everyone assumed the captain was in shock, because she just stared at Admiral Jacobson’s body as if he would get up at any moment.

  Tears rolled down Alex’s cheeks and she buried her face in her brother’s shoulder. “This is so sad,” she said. “I can’t look.”

  Conner rubbed his sister’s back as he looked around at the devastated men and women throughout the structure. He scrunched his lips to hide a smile—he knew something they didn’t.

  Admiral Jacobson suddenly sat straight up with a loud gasp that startled everyone in the pyramid. He pulled on a gold chain around his neck and lifted the Heart of the Caribbean out from under his shirt. The bullet had been stopped by the large ruby.

  “Ouch,” the admiral said as he rubbed his chest. “That still really hurt!”

  As far as anyone was concerned, it was a miracle! The fortress vibrated from the crew’s thankful cheers. When Alex saw her brother smiling, she hit him in the chest.

  “You knew that was going to happen the whole time, didn’t you?” she asked. “You knew the admiral was going to live, and you just stood there and let us think he had been killed! You were playing with our emotions for fun!”

  His sister’s angry accusation made him laugh so hard, he could barely breathe.

  “I’m sorry, but I wanted to see your reaction to the end of the story,” Conner confessed. “The fact that you were so invested in the characters and didn’t see the surprise coming means I did something right, right?”

  Alex was so mad at her brother, she turned her back and walked a few steps away from him to calm down. Auburn Sally got to her feet and helped the admiral to his.

  “Aren’t you glad I gave you my heart?” Auburn Sally asked.

  “Both times it saved my life,” Admiral Jacobson said.

  The captain and the admiral shared a passionate kiss, and the Dolly Llama crew whistled and hollered at the lovebirds.

  “We did it!” Auburn Sally declared. “We defeated Smoky-Sails Sam and his fleet! His reign of terror in the Caribbean is over!”

  The men and women cheered even louder than before. They embraced one another and held up their weapons in victory. Not-So-Jolly Joan and Too-Much-Rum Ronda raised their bottle from inside the cage.

  “And since Commander Bailey has so generously and bravely helped us with our enemy, we must return the favor,” the admiral added.

  The Dolly Llama crew went silent and their postures sank. They were hoping to go on a vacation after defeating the most feared pirate on the ocean.

  “How do we get there?” Auburn Sally asked. “I hope it’s not by sailing in circles to the left.”

  Conner pulled his binder of short stories out of his backpack and set it on the floor. He flipped it open to the glowing pages of “Starboardia,” and the beam of light illuminated the fortress.

  “It’s much easier than that,” he said. “We just step through the beam of light and we’ll be there in no time.”

  The pirates and the sailors stared down at the glowing book nervously. Their captain and admiral nodded at them reassuringly, but even they were a little apprehensive. Conner tapped Alex on the shoulder.

  “Are you ready to go home, or are you going to stay behind and pout a little longer?” he asked with a sly grin.

  It took everything in Alex not to smile back, but after a moment she couldn’t resist.

  “Okay—I suppose you got me,” she said. “You’re right, I wouldn’t have been so worked up if I didn’t care about the characters so much. It’s a testament to good writing, and you should be pleased with yourself. I completely forgot we were even in your story. For a few moments there, I truly believed with all my heart that we were living through… through…”

  “What?” Conner asked.

  “Well.” Alex laughed. “A pirate adventure.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  CURSES

  The Masked Man hobbled through the Dwarf Forests as quickly as his injuries would let him. Anyone traveling through the forests alone had the right to be worried, but with the mythological creature on the loose, the thick trees around him were especially intimidating. He held Captain Hook’s revolver tightly in his hand and dashed behind a tree whenever he heard a noise nearby.

  He followed a river deep into the forest until it split off into Dead Man’s Creek. The Masked Man limped alongside the creek, and by nightfall he reached the site where the Witches’ Brew used to stand on the banks of the creek. The tavern was nothing but a pile of ruins now, and a hundred or so witches were spread out around the creek.

  The Masked Man hid behind a tree and searched the area for his son. Although he had never seen him before, the Masked Man figured he’d be easy to spot in the crowd of tattered women.

  Just like the rest of the world, the witches had been chased out of their homes throughout the kingdoms by the Literary Army. They fled to the forest and formed a camp near their former headquarters, constructing huts from the wreckage of the tavern. The witches sat casually in groups around campfires and cauldrons. They chatted and flipped through spell books as if they were magazines.

  Whenever a campfire started dying out, Charcoaline would hawk a flaming loogie into it and the fire would re-ignite. Tarantulene had spun a large web between trees and feasted on bats and owls that got caught in it. Serpentina’s long tongue picked the bugs crawling through Arboris’s bark skin, which pestered Arboris greatly. Rat Mary glared and hissed at a dozen cats that another witch had brought from home.

  At the top of the pile of wreckage, two thrones had been erected. The infamous Sea Witch sat on a seat made of multi-colored coral while she supervised the camp of witches. She stroked her pet cuttlefish, which rested in a bowl of salt water on the arm of her chair. Beside the Sea Witch, the second throne was made entirely of ice that never melted, but the seat was empty.

  Morina leaned against a tree at the edge of the camp, keeping her distance from the other witches. She scowled at the women around her with disdain. She couldn’t wait to cross into the Otherworld and get rid of them. The horned witch watched the moon like it was a clock, counting down the hours till she would put her plan in motion.

/>   The Masked Man had scanned the whole area for a child and finally spotted a little boy chained to the tree Morina leaned on. The boy looked around the camp of witches with large, terrified eyes like he had awoken to a nightmare. The Masked Man was expecting the child to resemble him, but Emmerich looked nothing like his father. His pale skin, rosy cheeks, and dark hair were all trademarks of his mother.

  “He’s the spitting image of Bo Peep,” the Masked Man whispered to himself.

  Unlike a normal father, the Masked Man didn’t fill with pride or tenderness upon seeing his son for the first time, but only with the eagerness of a possible opportunity. All he needed was to get Emmerich away from the witches—he just didn’t know how or when.

  A sudden chill filled the forest air, and all the witches stopped what they were doing and looked toward the north. A wave of frost flowed down Dead Man’s Creek and froze the water. They heard bells in the distance, and a moment later the legendary Snow Queen appeared on a white sleigh pulled down the creek by two monstrous polar bears.

  Emmerich was so frightened by the bears, he closed his eyes and looked the other way. The sleigh stopped in the center of the camp. Arboris and Serpentina helped the blind Snow Queen down. She used a long icicle like a cane. She held up a white sack and exposed her jagged teeth in a wide smile.

  “I’ve found it!” the Snow Queen announced proudly. “I’ve found the dust!”

  All the witches were rather underwhelmed, but they didn’t dare show it on their faces. Morina, on the other hand, couldn’t have looked more unimpressed.

  “Dust?” Morina asked. “You traveled all the way to the Northern Mountains to bring back dust?”

  The Snow Queen growled and pointed her cane toward the sound of Morina’s voice. “For someone so consumed with the future, you know nothing about the past,” she said. “The contents of this bag will ensure our conquest of the Otherworld.”