by T. K. Leigh
“Listen, Libby. I know things have been off for you since the last time we, well, ya’ know.” He looked at her, hoping she would open up to him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, Cam. I don’t want to talk about it. All I’ve done my entire life is fucking talk about it and, well, I’m all talked out. So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to crawl back into my hole and return to my future of being the crazy cat lady.”
“Okay. I was just trying to be a friend.” Cam took a step back and stared at her, not knowing how to react. “We don’t have to talk. I can just keep you company.”
“That’s what Nepenthe is here for. Have a nice day.” She turned around and Cam took in her side view.
“Wait, Olivia,” he said, making her stop. “When was the last time you ate anything?” He sounded worried.
Olivia searched her brain. It was probably the same day she showered and she couldn’t be sure of what day that was.
“You have no idea, do you?”
She looked down, not wanting to look into Cam's concerned eyes. She didn’t need his help. She didn’t need anyone’s help. She could take care of herself, but she didn’t want to. She wanted to turn everything off. That way, it wouldn’t hurt anymore.
She retreated into her house, not closing the door. “If you’re so worried about me, feel free to come in then.”
Cam stepped into the house, taking in his surroundings. All the shades had been drawn and no lights were on. The house was dark and depressing. He walked into the living room toward the front windows. “First things first, vitamin D is important.” He opened the shades and sunlight streamed into the living area.
Olivia squinted her eyes, not being accustomed to any light other than the glow from her laptop. Cam walked over to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, hoping to find something that she could eat. He found a few containers of Greek yogurt and, after checking the expiration date, grabbed a blueberry-flavored one, opening it.
“Here. Eat this,” he said, thrusting the container into Olivia’s hands as she sat on the couch, eying him with disgust. “I’m not kidding, Libby,” he barked. “You’re on the verge of being malnourished. You need food.”
She rolled her eyes, and shakily began to spoon the creamy substance into her mouth.
“See. You’re so weak you can’t even raise your spoon.”
“I’m eating, okay? So you can leave if all you’re going to do is criticize me,” Olivia sneered.
“I’m not leaving until I know you’re okay.” He sat down next to her, his eyes trained on the woman he had grown to care immensely for over the past few months.
Olivia took another spoonful and thought about that. Was she okay?
“Then you’ll be stuck here a while because I don’t think I’ll ever be okay.” And that was the truth. She was done hiding from her own feelings. She was in pain. She pushed away the one good thing in her life and, in the crosshairs, lost her two best friends. She had no one. She was all alone. It was exactly what she wanted, but now that she was alone, she felt lonelier than she could handle.
“I’m not going to ask you if you want to talk about it, but just tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” Cam said, clearly concerned.
Olivia raised an eyebrow, remembering their last encounter when he said the same thing.
He laughed. “Well, except that. That didn’t work out too well, did it?”
Sighing, she leaned back into the couch. “Can you turn the clocks back a few months? I made the biggest mistake of my life. Why do I always do this?” she cried out. “You saw it. You tried to get close to me so I kicked you out and avoided you for the past God knows how many weeks. And why do I do that?” she laughed. “Because I’m scared I’ll get close to someone and then they’ll leave me. Does that make sense? I’m scared of being alone so I push everyone away, and the result is the same. I still end up all alone.”
Cam stared at her, not knowing how to respond without setting her off. “Is this about Alexander Burnham?” he asked quietly.
Olivia shot up and glared at him, her eyes narrow. “How do you know about him?”
“I’m sorry. I just figured as much. Elsie told me what she talked to you about at the bar that night, and since then, you’ve been locked in your house. You’ve barely eaten. It looks like you haven’t slept. You haven’t been taking care of yourself. I’d guess you’re dealing with a broken heart here. It’s got all the signs,” he said, smiling, trying to lighten the atmosphere in the room.
“I was the one to do the breaking so I have no reason to be upset. It’s my own damn fault. I pushed him away, and then he found me and begged me to go back to him. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him, telling him to forget about me. He’s moved on, and it’s exactly what I wanted. But, if it’s what I wanted, why does it hurt so damn much?”
Cam pulled Olivia close, trying to calm her down. “Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we hurt the people who mean the most to us. It doesn’t make us a bad person, and it doesn’t mean we’ve moved on. I can guarantee that he hasn’t moved on, Olivia. If you were mine, I wouldn’t let you go without a fight.” He pulled a strand of her hair, tucking it behind her ear.
“I didn’t let him fight. I left without saying a word. I told him everything in a letter, making sure he wouldn’t find it until I was three hours out of town.” Tears kept streaming down her face. “And then, when he found me, I made it quite clear I no longer cared about him. I lied through my teeth.”
“Well, maybe it’s not too late. Maybe it’s time to go back to Boston. At least give him a chance to tell you to your face that he’s happier without you. I think you need closure.”
She pulled back, looking at Cam. “I can’t do that. I left town, running like the coward I am. I can’t go back and face everyone.”
“Can’t? Or won’t?”
“You sound like my therapist,” Olivia laughed.
“I just want to help you. Yes, when I first started noticing you, I wanted nothing more than to get in your pants…”
“And you did,” Olivia joked.
Cam held up his hands in surrender. “Hey. I’m just trying to be honest here. You’re a beautiful young woman. And that night, after you kicked me out, I realized you were still hung up on some other guy. And that’s okay. When you were nowhere to be found the past few weeks, I got worried. I know when people are depressed. All the signs were there. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t do something stupid.” Also, Elsie’s text still hung heavy over his head. He wondered how long he could keep Olivia occupied without her finding out about that news. He knew that he would have to tell her, but he wanted to make sure she was emotionally in a better place before he did so.
She processed everything Cam said. Was it that obvious she was bat-shit crazy? “I need a glass of water,” she said, getting up from the couch.
“Libby, let me ask you a question,” Cam said as she grabbed a bottle of water and poured it over ice.
“Okay. Shoot. But, first, I just want to make sure you’re not expecting me to pay your hourly rate.”
Cam laughed. “No. I’m just here as a friend wanting to help out a friend.”
“Okay. Go ahead with your question then.” She leaned against the kitchen island.
Cam stood up, walking into the kitchen and sitting on a barstool. “Have you always had problems communicating your feelings? It just seems like you hide them from everyone, and even lie to yourself about them.”
Olivia stared, wide-eyed. “You barely know me…”
“Yes, I know,” Cam said, interrupting her. “But I know people. So just humor me and answer the question.”
“I guess I’ve always had problems with that. It goes back to the whole ‘worried that people would leave’ thing. I always worry that once people know how I feel, it would make them run.”
“So you run instead, keeping all your feelings locked up inside.”
“Yes, Dr. Cameron,” Olivia responded sarcastically.
“So how do you communicate your feelings? You can’t keep them all locked inside. No one could survive carrying that burden.”
Olivia lowered her eyes, looking at the floor, noting how dirty it had gotten.
“Libby,” Cam said, bringing her attention back to him. “It’s New Year’s Day. You’ve been here for nearly three months, running from your feelings. Just confront those feelings and let the chips fall where they may.”
Olivia thought for a minute. She knew he was right. “Fine. I’ll do it. But what am I going to say to Kiera and Mo?”
“And they are?”
“My best friends. This is the second time I’ve run out on them.”
“Well, you’re going to have to deal with that. Call them. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to hear from you.” Cam stood up and walked over to the couch, lying down. “Take a shower. Freshen up. I’ll wait here.” He grabbed a fitness magazine off her coffee table and started flipping through it.
Olivia eyed him suspiciously. “For what?”
“I’m taking you out to dinner so go get ready.”
“I don’t need you baby-sitting me, Cam. So either leave and let me get ready in private, or leave and don’t come back.”
His mind began to race. What if he left and she found out? Could he risk that? Should he just tell her? But maybe she wouldn't return to Boston if she found out, and she needed to go back for her own sake.
“I mean it, Cam. Get the fuck out.”
Sighing, he raised himself off the couch and walked over to the front door, opening it. “Fine. I’ll be back in an hour and we’ll go for oysters.”
“No oysters,” Olivia said, raising her hand.
“Okay. Okay. No oysters. Promise. See you in a little bit, Libby. We’ll celebrate your last night on the beach.” He hated that he was leaving her, but knew she would become even more suspicious if he insisted on staying with her while she got ready for dinner. He hoped he made the right decision.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
OVERBOARD
AFTER CAM LEFT, OLIVIA took a shower. It was the first time she had looked in the mirror in days, or possibly weeks. The reflection looking back disgusted her. Her face was sunken, her skin clearly too big for her frame. As she got ready, she threw on a pair of jeans that wouldn’t stay up. She felt weak and needed to sit down. She wondered how she would get through dinner if she could barely stand to get ready.
As she collapsed on her bed, she heard a ding on her laptop, signaling her to a new Google search alert. She had set one up several weeks ago for Alexander, realizing that it was far easier to keep track of any new developments that way. As she clicked on the e-mail, she felt her heart shatter into millions of tiny pieces.
With shaky hands and desperately trying to subdue the painful lump in her throat, she navigated to the link contained in the e-mail. The story seemed to be headlining not only various gossip websites, but also more respectable news outlets. Olivia looked at the article, staring at a photo of Alexander standing next to that woman. They were clearly out at a formal gathering for New Year’s Eve, him in a tuxedo and her in a tight fit silver gown. Beaming, she stood in Alexander’s arms with her left hand placed on his chest.
And on the ring finger of her left hand sat an enormous diamond.
Olivia scrolled down and read the news article through her tears.
One of the country’s most eligible bachelors is no longer eligible after proposing to his now fiancée, Chelsea Wellington, at a swanky New Year’s Eve Ball last night in New York City. Although they have only been dating for a few months, the couple appears to be rather excited to get on with their future, their eyes focused on a February wedding. Good luck and congratulations.
The pain was back. It never really left, but Olivia had been hopeful earlier when she decided to return to Boston and pour her heart out to Alexander. But now it had returned and the hurt was too much. She needed something to dull the ache. Her heart beat rapidly and she felt a panic attack coming on. Running to the bathroom, she rummaged through her medicine cabinet looking for the bottle that Dr. Greenstein had prescribed to help with her anxiety.
She grabbed it and walked downstairs with her laptop, searching for the bottle of bourbon with her name on it. Popping two valium, she gulped down the liquid, thankful for the warmth spreading through her body. After throwing another couple of valium pills into her mouth and finishing almost half the bottle of alcohol, the pain of seeing Alexander’s ring on another woman was finally dulled. The last thing she remembered was staring out at the crashing waves of the ocean before the numbness took over.
~~~~~~~~~~
Cam left his house early, anxiously hoping that Olivia hadn’t found out the news in the past hour that he’d been gone. He sped through town, recalling the fragile state Olivia was in earlier that day. The longer he sat at each stop light, the more irritated he became. As storm clouds rolled in, a bad feeling formed in his gut.
He pulled up to Olivia’s house and leapt up the stairs onto her deck, tapping gently on the door. There was no answer. Then he heard a gentle scratching on the other side of the door, coupled with a loud meow. He stilled, continuing to listen. He heard it again, wondering what Olivia’s cat was doing. He knocked again, becoming rather concerned. Several moments passed and all he could hear was Nepenthe’s scratching and meows. He tried the door, but it was locked. Walking over to the front window and peering inside, his heart fell. Olivia was sprawled out on the floor, a liquor bottle lying beside her, the contents of a prescription bottle poured out on the coffee table.
“OLIVIA!” he shouted, running back to the front door, desperately trying the lock again. When it wouldn’t give, he took a deep breath and kicked the door jam, forcing the door open.
He ran to her, grabbed her in his arms, and carried her to the bathroom, frantically trying to find a pulse. Sticking his hand down her throat, he tried to force her to vomit, hoping that he wasn’t too late. Finally, he felt her shudder and gag before she emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Cam breathed a sigh of relief when he saw four blue pills fall out of her mouth, hoping that was all she took.
He rubbed her back while she came around, dry heaving. “Let it go, Libby. Just let it go,” he comforted her as she collapsed on the bathroom floor, curling up in a ball.
“It hurts too fucking much, Cam,” she wailed out, convulsing on the cold tile.
Fuck. He had never heard pain as intense as the hurt in Olivia’s voice. He wouldn’t wish that on even his worst enemies. It was excruciating watching her shake, clutching her knees as her body continued to spasm.
“You need help, Libby. You just fucking overdosed. If I didn’t find you when I did…” His voice trailed off, not wanting to think about what would have greeted him if he left his house a minute later.
“I’m not suicidal, Cam. I felt a panic attack coming on so I took a few pills.”
“How many did you take?”
“Four. I just wanted to be numb for a little bit.”
Cam wrapped his arms around Olivia, thankful that she expelled all the pills she took. “You’re only supposed to take one, and not with alcohol, Libby. Jesus…” A tear fell down his face, the adrenaline pumping through his body finally subsiding.
The aftershocks of violently ridding her stomach of its contents continued to consume Olivia’s body as she shook in Cam's arms. “He’s engaged. He’s really gone now, and it hurts,” she sobbed.
“Come on, Libby. I know there’s a fighter in there somewhere. Are you really going to give up? I saw the pictures. If you ask me, that’s not a guy who’s too sure about anything. He doesn’t look happy, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. You need to go talk to him, at least. Get closure.” He gently rubbed her back, leaning down to kiss her head. “Make him tell you to your face that he’s happy with that redheaded bimbo.”
Olivia laughed through her tears. “She does look a little bit like a bimbo.”
&n
bsp; “There’s my girl,” Cam crooned as he continued rocking her in his arms. “How do you feel?”
“A little light-headed,” she responded, her voice raspy.
“Probably because you have no food in your system.” He squeezed Olivia tight, relieved that she was coming around. “Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to order a ton of pizza, and we’re going to stay in and watch stupid movies all night long. Sound good?”
Olivia looked through her tear-soaked eyes into Cam's vibrant silver ones brimming with hope. She nodded. “Yes.”
He leaned down and kissed her forehead before lifting her in his arms and carrying her over to the couch. As he ordered pizza, Olivia grabbed her laptop, finding the photo that sent her over the edge less than an hour ago. Cam eyed her suspiciously as he placed the rather large order with a local pizza house. She gave him a reassuring nod before returning her eyes to the screen in front of her.
Cam was right. There was something very off about Alexander’s expression in the photos. And it wasn’t just in one photo. It was in all of them. He looked like a shell of his former self, as if he was simply going through the motions, desperate to overcome something…to overcome her. At that moment, Olivia knew that he hadn’t moved on. She had to act fast.
“So what are you going to do?” Cam asked, plopping down on the couch next to her after putting on a Blu-Ray of Old School.
She shrugged. “What I have to do. I need to see him, beg him to take me back, even after everything I’ve put him through, and hope that there’s part of him that still cares enough to forgive me.”
