The Stillwater Bay Collection (Books 1-4): Stillwater Bay Series Boxed Set

by Steena Holmes

  The lines etched on his face, the weariness in his gaze, the hesitation on his lips…her husband was in pain. He needed to heal, just like everyone else in this town, except she’d never given him the chance.

  “I will never forgive myself for how I treated Gabriel.” His voice broke. “He deserved better than me. I was…afraid. I have no excuse, Charlotte. Not for how I treated him.” His body shuddered at his words. “Regardless of how I felt about being a father, I should have put him first in my life. Julia made it very clear early on she didn’t want or need me. We’d only been together three weeks, it was a fling, nothing more…and I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to believe the child was mine, not at first.” Jordan breathed in deep and looked out over the bay. “Julia didn’t tell me until she was months along and when I made it known that being was a father was being forced on me, something I didn’t choose…she made it clear she only used me as a sperm donor and nothing more. I gave her money, not to buy her off but to help her since that was the only way I could support her.” He paused and in that moment, Charlotte realized she’d judged her husband harshly, never once giving him the benefit of the doubt in his role as Gabriel’s father.

  “When they moved here, she made it very clear she still didn’t want or need me in her life so I stood off to the side, trying to honor her request. But I shouldn’t have. Gabriel was here and he needed me and I ignored him because I assumed his mother knew best. I ignored him, Charlotte,” Jordan swallowed hard and when he looked at her with regret filled eyes, Charlotte’s heart broke all over again.

  He had cared. That had to count for something.

  “No matter what though, there are no excuses. There is nothing I can say that will exonerate me for not being the man I should have been. The father I should have been.”

  He bowed over, as if the weight was too much.

  “I lied to you. Again. I told you I saw the gun and ran. That I hid out of fear for my own life.” His voice was muffled.

  Charlotte placed her hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay, Jordan.” Dread filled her soul. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear any more.

  His body shook beneath her touch.

  “It’s not,” he said. “I had no idea he had a gun.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded-up piece of paper. “He carried this in his hands, though, and gave it to me before I walked away from him. Our last conversation is something I will never forget.”

  She reached for the paper but he wouldn’t let go of it.

  “What conversation?” She lowered her voice, kept it calm and accepting so that he would know he could trust her not to judge him.

  Because she wouldn’t. No matter how fast her mind was racing with all this news, she wasn’t going to judge him. Not again.

  “He didn’t come looking for a father.” Jordan pushed himself up from the bench and took two steps away from her. “He told me he didn’t need me and didn’t want me in his life. I told him that was good, because he didn’t deserve someone like me in his life.” He turned to look at her, grief plastered all over his face. “I didn’t mean it like he took it, like I was too good for him. I tried to say that, tried to explain myself—that I was broken inside—but he didn’t hear me. He held out this paper, pushed it in my hands, and told me he wrote this for me. That he came here to say goodbye and that he understood.”

  Charlotte stood and went to him, taking the paper he held so tightly between his fingers, and wrapped her arms around him while he broke down in sobs. She held his shaking body tight against her own, her own tears mixing in with his own and waited until he was ready to tell the rest.

  “I didn’t read it, Charlotte. I wish I had. I wish I had opened it there and then and read it. Maybe if I had…I could have stopped everything from unfolding. He hadn’t come to kill me or to kill anyone at the school. He intended to kill himself. He was coming here…here”—he gestured around them—“to shoot himself.”

  Shocked at his words, Charlotte dropped her arms and opened the folded note. How could that be? If he was coming here then why did he end up shooting all those people at the school? That didn’t make sense.

  Dear…Principal Stone? Mr. Stone? Jordan? Dad?

  I’ve always wanted a father. Even though Mom always told me that the man who fathered me wasn’t worth knowing. I never understood what she meant—until I found her journal and all that money. Money I guess you gave her.

  I’ve thought long and hard about what I wanted to say to you. I’ve always dreamed of the day I would meet the man I could call Dad…but I never thought you’d be him.

  You and I…we never got along. I know now you always knew who I was and so…I guess I could say I’m glad you never told me. I know my mom didn’t want you to. I get that. It was probably for the best. Maybe we’re too much alike. Maybe we’re nothing alike and it doesn’t matter. Some people just aren’t meant to be family, or friends for that matter.

  It really doesn’t matter in the long run, though. It’s okay. It’s okay you didn’t want to be my father, and it’s okay I didn’t want to be your son. I’ve put my mom through hell, and having you in the mix would have made things worse. Not because you’re a bad person. I am. There’s something wrong with me—there always has been. I don’t know what but it’s there. I’m a bad seed. I’ve put my mom through enough, and honestly I don’t see it getting any better. That’s why I have to end things now. I have to.

  I don’t want her to find my body, though. Remember that bench where you found me smoking weed last year? When you gave me that talk about being the man my mom needs me to be? Do you remember what I told you? I hope you do. I don’t need you to be a dad to me, but I do need you to do this. Consider it my last dying wish.

  Gabriel.

  Charlotte’s body ached. Her heart heavy. Her soul weary as she reread the note a few times. A suicide note. She was having a really hard time wrapping her head around this.

  “So what happened then? At the school? I don’t understand.” The words draped themselves around her tongue.

  Jordan shook his head. “I don’t know.” His eyes were bloodshot. “He turned away, so I did the same. I headed to my office, went down the back hallway so I wouldn’t be stopped. It wasn’t until I was in my office that I heard the first shot.” He turned his gaze away, out over the bay, the tears continuing to stream down his face as he was locked in the past. “I ran…but the shot, the echo…I didn’t know where it was from.” He lifted his trembling hands to his face, covering his mouth. “I heard more shots and screams and by the time I found Gabriel, he held the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.”

  Jordan fell to his knees. “It all happened so fast, but it’s all my fault.”

  Charlotte legs gave way. She was down on the ground with him, cradling him tight to her body. She should have known this. She should have asked him…she should have seen the terrible secret her husband kept. She thought him weak but he was the exact opposite. He was strong. Stronger than she’d giving him credit for. Love filled every crevice of her being for him.

  “It wasn’t your fault.” She needed him to know that. “The police think he got spooked. That someone saw the gun and he just reacted.”

  Jordan shook his head. “None of this makes sense. None of it.”

  “I don’t think it ever does, Jordan. Trying to find a reason for senseless acts like this…you can’t. You just…can’t. No one saw this happening; no one could have predicted it.” There were no answers for this. There never could be.

  “Why didn’t you tell me this? Why wouldn’t you share this with me? Why…why would you be willing to lie and say you hid when you could have shared this note?”

  Jordan shrugged and struggled to his feet. “I don’t know. I thought it would take the focus off of Gabriel and Julia and put it on me, my failures. I didn’t want…” he looked over the bay, wrestling with his thoughts. “I don’t know.”

  Charlotte stood to her feet, wiping at her face as she did so. “Th
at doesn’t make sense, Jordan. Why would you lie?”

  Jordan turned to her, the anguish and torment he was going through written all over his face. “Why? Because you didn’t want anyone to know I was his father, that I was the reason why so many lives were taken…so lying about hiding was the only thing I could think of.” His fist clenched. “At least that would take the focus off of them and turn it to me, make people hate me instead of him…instead of…my son.”

  His words, the truth, stood between them, building a wall separating them emotionally on so many different levels.

  There were so many thoughts going through Charlotte’s head right now. Grief for her friend, knowing Julia’s son had wanted to kill himself. That the tragedy could have been prevented—possibly. That he could have gotten help, if only someone had seen his anguish. Anger at her husband for lying to her, for not trusting her with the truth until now.

  But at the root of it all…she was mad at herself. Because he was right. She was at fault for the pain he was in.

  “I was trying to do the right thing, Charlotte. Don’t you see that?”

  “I’m so sorry.” How many more times would they need to apologize to one another? “I wish…I wish you had told me the truth from the beginning. I would have stood by you. We could have figured out how to deal with this together—don’t you see that?” She was hurt. So hurt that he’d pushed her away, that he’d lied to her and made her question their marriage.

  “I tried.” The words ripped out of him. “I tried but you wouldn’t listen to me.”

  “I’m so sorry.” She covered her face with her hands, wanting to hide behind them, to hide herself from the truth. It was all true. Everything he said.

  “I’m so sorry, Jordan. I thought…I just wanted to help you.”

  “All I need from you is love.” Jordan came to her and pulled her in his arms and she went into them willingly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve messed things up and wasn’t honest with you. I was trying to do the right thing—at last. I still need to.”

  She’d laid her heart over his chest and listened to the rhythm. Thu-thump-thu-thump-thu-thump…a quick pattern that matched the way her own heart raced.

  “That what I wanted to talk to you about. Why I resigned and why I went to see Julia. I have an idea, a way to make things right but I need your help and support.” Jordan pulled away and looked down at her.

  There was a message he was trying to say in his gaze. A lightness on his face. Whatever he wanted to talk about, whatever he needed her help with, it was changing him into a better man.

  “You’ve got it. All my love. I’m so sorry.” She couldn’t think of anything else to say other than that. For months she’d demanded everything from him, assuming things she shouldn’t have. Now…now it was time to put him first. To listen to him. To help him heal.

  No matter the cost.

  15

  JULIA

  “Come sit with me out on your front porch.” Lacie leaned against her kitchen counter, arms braced behind her as she asked Julia again to do something she didn’t want to do.

  “How many times do you plan on asking me that? That’s the third time since you arrived.” Julia drew up her leg and clasped it tight to her chest while she sat at her kitchen table.

  Lacie wanted to sit outside, on her front porch. She wasn’t going to do it. Not in the front. Not where everyone could see her. Not where everyone would be watching her. Not where she was vulnerable.

  “Because it’s a beautiful day and you have a gorgeous front porch that I like sitting on. No one is going to bother you, and you need to push yourself a little bit more than you have.”

  Julia balked at every single attempt Lacie made to get her out of the house, and she would continue to do so until she was ready.

  “There’s nothing wrong with my backyard. You should see the shrubs Camille dropped off.”

  Lacie’s lips thinned. “Julia, honey…”

  “Stop, please,” Julia said. “I love you for what you’re trying to do, but, Lacie, I’m not ready, okay? Every single time I step onto my front porch, it’s to clean up a mess someone has left. There was more dog poop out on the steps today. I’ll go and enjoy my front porch once I know I’m safe out there.”

  Lacie’s nose wrinkled. “Still? I thought they’d caught the teen who was doing that.”

  Julia shrugged. “It’s more than just one.” She knew exactly who they were. She wouldn’t tell on them, though, no matter how often she was urged to do so. She knew each of those kids. Knew their families. Understood the anger and frustration behind their actions.

  Kids had a hard time learning to manage their anger. These weren’t bad kids who were egging her house and leaving stool and garbage on her front lawn. In fact, a few of the teens had sent apology letters and were often there to help clean up the mess.

  Just because someone reacted out of fear and anger didn’t make them a bad person. They were just confused, hurt, and didn’t know how to express themselves properly. They only thought of themselves and how they felt…rarely thinking about the other person until afterward.

  “You still won’t do anything about it?” Lacie gave her a look—one that Julia knew all too well.

  This wasn’t the first time they’d had this talk. It probably wouldn’t be the last.

  “The kids aren’t bad. They’re just—”

  “I know.” Lacie interrupted her. “You’ve got a good heart, my friend, but it’s tearing you up inside.”

  “Better me than them. They’re just kids.” Julia fiddled with a piece of paper.

  Lacie gave her a really sad smile before finally nodding. “Let’s go see those bushes.” She headed to the back door and it took Julia a few moments to follow.

  “Hello?”

  Both women turned toward the back gate—where Charlotte appeared. Followed by Jordan.

  Julia’s inhaled breath sounded like a hiss.

  Lacie looked at her with concern. “Were you expecting them?”

  Julia shook her head and then shrugged. “Kind of but not really?” That really wasn’t much of an answer but it was the best she could give. Did she expect to see Jordan again? Yes. Especially after their talk. But Charlotte? No.

  “Are you okay?” she asked quietly.

  Julia shook her head again before she nodded. Lacie had no idea about Jordan and Gabe. She knew Charlotte did though. Jordan confessed that he finally admitted the truth to his wife.

  Julia should have talked to Charlotte shortly after but she couldn’t. She didn’t know how to explain.

  Ever since the beginning of summer, Charlotte had been distant. So distant that she’d seen Charlotte only once since then, and Lacie had been with her, along with Anne Marie, Gina, and even Jenn. It had been an awkward visit, to say the least.

  “Is something wrong at the Treasure Chest?” Julia asked, directing the question to Charlotte. Although if there was, Sheila, Charlotte’s assistant, would be the one calling her.

  “No, the store is fine. Everyone’s wondering when you’ll come back to run it, though.” Charlotte looked out over her yard, not meeting her gaze at all, Julia noticed. Jordan just stood there, hands clasped behind his back.

  “I think you should go back after school is in session. Things are quieter in town then and it might easier for you to get back into the swing of things,” Lacie suggested.

  Julia bit her lip. “Actually…” She wasn’t sure how to bring this up. “I was thinking of putting it up for sale and maybe moving.” Her heart squeezed tight at the look on Lacie’s face.

  Shock. Disbelief. Sadness.

  “You’re kidding me, right?” Lacie frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. “You’re not leaving. That’s ridiculous.”

  “Don’t leave,” Charlotte said.

  Julia swallowed hard. “It’s a thought. Might be easier for some…” Her voice trailed off. She didn’t really need to explain herself, right?

  “Healing can’t happen if al
l we do is run away. Not for you. Not for me. Not for any of us,” Charlotte said quietly, with a glance to her husband.

  Lacie continued to give her that look, the one that made her uncomfortable. The one that time and time again had her search deep in her own soul.

  “I don’t deserve healing, Lacie. You know that. I know that. But everyone else does. You deserve that.” Julia ran her hands through her hair, pulling it slightly with frustration. “Please let’s not do this—not right now, okay?” She gave Charlotte a side glance, praying Lacie understood.

  She wasn’t comfortable discussing this with both Jordan and Charlotte here.

  “I’m going to head out.” Lacie said. “Liam needs more of his favorite cereal, and Kylie wants to do some baking. I’ll bring some by tonight during my walk, okay?”

  Julia nodded. She wanted to beg Lacie not to leave, not while Charlotte and Jordan were here, but that would be taking the coward’s way.

  With Lacie gone, Julia headed back inside the house, figuring the others would follow. The tension between the three of them was too much. She poured herself a glass of fresh tea and filled two other glasses as well.

  They all stood there, across from one another in awkward silence.

  Julia sipped her cold tea, unsure of what to say.

  She hoped they were here about the idea Jordan had tossed her the other day. She couldn’t stop thinking about it.

  “I know.” Charlotte’s voice filled the small area, her tone both cold and heated at the same time.

  Julia knew right away what she was talking about. Gabriel.

  Julia nodded. “I thought you might,” she said softly. She kept her voice low and calm, or at least, that was the goal.

  She knew that she deserved whatever anger Charlotte felt toward her. She had no excuses for what she’d done. No reasons that were worth fighting over for keeping a secret like this.