How to Rattle an Undead Couple (The Beginner's Guide to Necromancy Book 9)

by Hailey Edwards

“We worried about you dropping him,” Linus confessed. “You fell asleep once and mumbled about protecting the football at all costs.”

  “I wouldn’t have fumbled my son.” I hesitated. “That’s when you drop the ball, right?”

  “I have no idea,” Linus confessed. “Football is not an area of study of mine.”

  “Still.” I kissed LJ’s plump cheeks. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

  “He won’t remember.” Linus touched my arm. “Don’t punish yourself for what you can’t help.”

  “I meant for you.” I tore my gaze from our baby. “I hate you had to go through all the firsts alone.”

  “I wasn’t alone.” He sat on the edge of the hospital bed. “Our family was here to help.”

  “Thank the goddess for that.” As my brain cleared, so did my memory. “How are Boaz and Granny?”

  Husky laughter rocked Linus, and the lines creasing the corners of his eyes deepened. “Fine.”

  “That’s all I get?”

  “That’s all you get until tomorrow. Everyone is safe, and everything else will keep. Doctor’s orders.”

  “All right, all right.” Grinning up at him, I lifted LJ in my arms a bit. “Look what we made.”

  “I’m in awe.” He touched my cheek, his cool fingers tender. “You make beautiful babies.”

  “I did have some help.” I winked at him. “He looks just like his daddy.”

  From his earlier demonstration, he appeared to have inherited his father’s powers too.

  As I thought it, LJ dematerialized outside his onesie. I still held him, but the fabric puddled on my stomach. To be on the safe side, I situated him back on my chest. “This is going to be an adventure.”

  “We’re going to have to add new wards to the house to make sure he can’t escape.”

  A laugh burst out of me, and I cuddled LJ even closer. “You kept your diaper on, smart boy.”

  “For that, I am grateful.” Linus rubbed his forehead. “He dematerialized through the changing table earlier. I had to move it then wait until he materialized to pick him up again to get him in one piece.”

  “We’re going to have to ward the basement.” I realized with dawning horror Woolly was not in any way babyproofed for this little guy. “We can’t risk him exploring down there once he starts toddling.”

  “I’ll start the designs immediately.” He stood in a rush. “If you’re okay alone?”

  “I feel normal, not like I would fumble my child, so I think we’re good here.”

  With a kiss to each of our foreheads, he backed toward the door. “I’ll be in the office.”

  “I’ll yell if I feel the least bit fumble-y,” I called, then settled in to admire the results of nine months’ worth of effort. “You really do look like your dad.” That made me ridiculously happy. “Let’s hope you take after him in temperament too.”

  Happy to listen to me, LJ blew rather impressive bubbles that popped and slid down his chin.

  “You’re going to have to go easy on us until we figure out all this parenting stuff.” I touched his tiny hand, and he took it as an invitation to hold my finger. “Neither of us had normal childhoods, and yours is off to an interesting start too.” I smiled as his eyelids drifted lower. “We might not always get it right on the first try, or the second, or—honestly, kid—the third is looking sketchy, but we’ll keep at it until we do.”

  “You’re doing great.” Lethe entered the room bearing gifts. “Switch with me?”

  The plated cinnamon roll did look tasty, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to trade one warm and gooey feeling for another yet.

  “See?” Lethe took a bite. “Your motherly instincts are already kicking in. You sacrificed your belly for your baby.”

  “I did that six months ago,” I countered. “I’m going to be in Mom jeans for a while yet.”

  “Eh.” She waved off that concern. “Nobody said motherhood was stylish. Embrace the spandex.”

  The bubble blower on my chest lowered his drowsy eyes and drifted off for a nap.

  “You terrified me, just so you know.” She tore off a bite and passed it to me. “Dr. Rogers made noises about LJ being an only child. Any future children will be high-risk pregnancies.”

  “Linus didn’t mention anything.” I recognized the sweet as coming from Mallow. “I don’t think he did, anyway.”

  “He probably wanted to wait until you recovered to lower the hammer, but it’s one of those things I would have wanted to know the second I had Eva. I always figured there would be more kids, you know? More pregnancies. Just more. But I only got the one time, and that might be it forever.” She took another bite. “I would have wanted to know so I savored each dirty diaper, each spit up, each everything.”

  “I’m glad you told me.” I had to admit, “We didn’t expect LJ to manifest powers quite so early.”

  We were so very lucky he hadn’t learned his trick sooner, or else I might not have needed that C-section.

  “Leave it to Linus to help spawn an overachiever.” Lethe snorted. “Eva is dying to meet her new cousin.”

  “Send her over tomorrow. I ought to be fit for company by then.”

  “I’ll let her know.” She pressed his cute button nose. “This place is going to be a zoo with all the kids.”

  From newborn to tween, we would span the spectrum. “It’s going to be so much fun.”

  “Keep telling yourself that.” She shook her head at LJ. “Wait until Kaleigh starts walking.”

  “I don’t suppose you feel like circumventing doctor’s orders to give me the scoop on Abayomi?”

  “She’s still in the dungeon.” Lethe grinned, loving the ability to claim she had one. “Your mother-in-law is upstairs, snug as a bug in a rug being under the same roof as Linus again. Adelaide and Boaz have gone home. They want to meet LJ when you’re up to it. Neely has called fifty times, and so has Marit.”

  “Now I feel bad I didn’t fight harder for an all-inclusive baby shower. The family one is ruined.”

  “We’ll still have the party. We’ll just rebrand. It can be a cookout where we all dump gifts at your feet.”

  “As long as there’s still cake,” I decided, “I’m good.”

  “Excellent.” She rubbed her hands together. “I’ll call in the meat order tomorrow. We have enough grills in storage to cover the turnout.” At my look, she shrugged. “A cookout means I’ll have to feed the pack, or the ones who aren’t on patrol will cry like babies. I’m not saying I’ll invite them over to crash your party, but we can have a runner take them plates as they’re ready.”

  “I thought I heard voices.” Corbin entered the room. “You’re awake, but are you lucid?”

  “What’s that in your hand?” I frowned at the clicking noise near his thumb. “A lighter?”

  “A gift.” He presented it to me on his open palm. “For you.”

  “A Pumba Pez dispenser.” I accepted the present. “You shouldn’t have, really.”

  I would have to hide it from Keet, or I would never see it again. He kept stashes all over the house.

  “Hugs, not drugs.” He lifted a finger. “You have to set an example for junior.”

  “Fiddlesticks.” Heat tingled in my cheeks. “I was hoping Linus exaggerated that part.”

  “Have you ever known Linus to exaggerate anything?” Corbin lifted an eyebrow. “You were a menace.”

  “Basically,” Lethe said, sharing a laugh with him, “business as usual.”

  “Do you mind if I hold my little bro?” Corbin made grabby hands. “I love babies.”

  Where a cinnamon roll hadn’t swayed me, I couldn’t pass on this. “Sure.”

  “Let Corbin babysit for a few. I’ll heat you up something from the kitchen. You need to eat.”

  Gwyllgi showed their love through food, so I couldn’t pass on that either.

  “I could eat.” I handed over LJ and attempted to sit up under my own steam. “That’s not bad at all.”

  “Linus
has been working on you pretty much nonstop.” Lethe looked me over with a critical eye. “Do you feel up to walking?”

  “I can try?” I swung my legs over the bed and experienced a twinge in my abdomen. “Here we go.”

  Dull pain radiated through my midsection, but I could tolerate it. A few ibuprofens and I might not even notice. Linus had definitely been healing me, and I was grateful for the boost. Though a bit wobbly, I had no trouble shuffling to the door and into the hall.

  “I’m right here.” Lethe trailed me, her arms out to catch me if I fell. “Aim for the kitchen.”

  “I need to make a pit stop first.”

  “I should have thought to ask.”

  “Not that kind of pit stop.” I limbered up as I moved. “I want to drop in the office.”

  “He won’t be amused you’re up and about without him,” she warned. “Just giving you a heads-up.”

  “He’ll be fine.” I trusted LJ to keep him more than occupied while I recovered. “Phew. I made it.”

  The sound of my voice jerked up Linus’s head, and the smile that broke across his face to see me up and about made my heart hurt. “Would you like me to cook you something?”

  A rumble in my stomach informed him I was not opposed to the idea.

  “I can heat up leftovers,” Lethe offered. “There’s plenty.”

  “I don’t mind.” He set aside his work. “I would like to talk with Grier now that she’s more herself.”

  “Okay.” Lethe held up her hands. “I’ll run home and check on the girls.”

  A bounce in her step, she set out to visit her kids, who I was sure missed her something fierce.

  “Alone at last.” I wiggled my eyebrows at him. “Whatever shall we do?”

  “I suggest you eat and then nap, but Dr. Rogers mentioned something that stuck with me.”

  “I’m not opposed to either of those things.” I wavered on confessing then broke. “Lethe told me.”

  “I wondered if she would,” he admitted as he joined me. “There are certain parallels.”

  That he had picked up on them too came as no surprise. That brain of his never quit.

  Looping my arm through his, I asked, “Does it bother you that we might be one and done?”

  “I care more about your health than the Society heir and a spare rhetoric.”

  “We were both only children.” I angled toward the kitchen. “Look how well we turned out.”

  “On the topic of only children, I have concerns about the volatility of Corbin’s nature.”

  A jolt of fear shot through me, and I had pivoted toward the makeshift hospital suite without noticing.

  “He won’t hurt LJ,” Linus soothed. “It’s to do with his sudden popularity within the sentinels.”

  “Oh?” I kept an eye on the door all the same. “What have you learned?”

  “He’s a berserker.”

  “Goddess.” I reached the kitchen and sat at the bar. “That’s rare.”

  “The condition itself, not so much.” He produced a smoothie from the fridge, this one in one of the new glass bottles he had etched with a sigil to keep its contents frosty. “The ability to control it? I can’t say I’ve heard of a vampire able to turn his rages on and off like flipping a switch.”

  “Corbin has a lot of anger.”

  As a man who had hunted vampires before I gave him the choice to be resuscitated or die, he had coped with his situation well, but he was ashamed to have chosen eternal life over death. It would take time for him to fully embrace his new identity, grow into his pro-paranormal stance, and take his place in the world.

  “I’m going to talk to Mother.” A thread of steel wound through his voice. “I want to ensure he’s not being exploited.” He sat beside me. “But that can wait until she’s on her feet again.”

  “Anything else to report?” I sipped and smiled at the familiar copper-berry tang. “What else did I miss?”

  “Eva brought Corbin flowers.”

  “She did not.”

  “Oh, she did,” he exhaled, “and Hood beat him senseless with them.”

  “I bet that went over well.”

  “Eva ran home sobbing and hasn’t been back since.”

  “Lethe led me to believe Eva was waiting on me to give her the go-ahead.”

  “I believe the flowers were meant for you, originally, but Corbin answered the door, and she blanked.”

  “Poor kiddo.” I swirled my drink. “I get how that feels, being struck dumb by a hot guy.”

  Linus smoothed his features, melding them into the flawless mask of politeness he reserved for guests.

  “You.” I kicked him in the shin. “I meant you.”

  “I know.” Red blossomed in his cheeks, and he ducked his head. “I just wanted to hear you say it.”

  “Fishing for compliments.” I clicked my tongue. “Oh, how the tables have turned.”

  There was a time when he would have died of embarrassment rather than court flattery.

  “You’ve ruined me.” The tips of his ears glowed bright. “Now you’ll have to keep me.”

  “I can promise you one thing, Linus, and it’s this. I will never, ever let you go. I am stuck to you like sprinkles on a donut, like fat on bacon, like frosting on cupcakes, like marshmallows in cocoa—”

  “Then I am loved beyond measure, and I can’t ask for more.”

  “I forgot one.” I snuggled against him. “Like butter on popcorn.”

  Taking the hint, he stood. “With extra salt?”

  “Yes, please.”

  Alone in the kitchen, we settled into old habits and enjoyed the simple pleasures of each other’s company. The peace had to end, but I was content to pretend otherwise for a few stolen moments more.

  Sixteen

  The reprieve stretched longer than I dared to hope, and I hoarded every single moment with my son and husband as its own treasure. But six blissful days later, I had fully recovered, and Lethe’s dungeon wasn’t getting any less crowded.

  Neither was Woolworth House.

  The Grande Dame, despite only suffering from a broken leg, still occupied one of our guest suites and showed no interest in returning to her own estate. Probably due to a combination of unlimited Linus and LJ access.

  As I was starting to get—ahem—urges again, I was hopeful she would take a hint and vamoose.

  Failing that, I might have to forcibly evict her. It would be rude, but it might also prove necessary.

  As a reinforced door clanged behind me, locking me and Lethe in her dungeon, I sped past the disturbing intersection of thought regarding my mother-in-law and my libido to focus on the job at hand. At last, I had work to do, and I could finally see my feet while doing it.

  “I like what you’ve done to the place.” I touched the nearest wall. “Did you…stencil on mold?”

  The basement had been all cinderblock walls when Lethe moved in. Now seven metal cells filled the space, each a complete box in its own right to ensure it held whatever got locked in. Two rows of three plus the isolation cell, which was fully enclosed and pitch black after the door shut behind you.

  Ask me how I know.

  Before the crews installed the cells, Lethe had the walls painted gray to mimic stone. Then she got the bright idea to let one of her packmates stretch his artistic muscles and transform the block walls into craggy rocks. She hung a pair of foam manacles she bought from the Halloween store near the entrance. Other props littered the space, which told me kids played dungeons and gwyllgi down here more often than she kept actual prisoners.

  “Watch this.” She flipped the switch, casting the dungeon into darkness. “Behold.”

  Glowing mushrooms illuminated the crevices, and a likeness of the worm from Labyrinth was having tea near the isolation cell.

  The prisoners gasped, but Lethe flipped the lights on again less than a minute later.

  Given the magnitude of Leisha and Abayomi’s crimes, I wasn’t too worried about their delicate sensibilities
.

  Imprisonment hadn’t done either prisoner any favors. Abayomi slumped on her cot, her graying hair a mess, and sobbed when she spotted me. I couldn’t tell if it was fear or relief or both. Leisha seethed from her cot, her glare a brand when she spotted me. I had made an enemy of her, but that was okay. She had made an enemy of me first.

  “Okay.” I clapped my hands together. “Who wants to go first?”

  This time, I wasn’t pulling any punches. I was going to work them over until they cracked then hand them off to the Grande Dame in the hopes pursuing justice against her nemesis, and quelling the new threat Leisha posed, would encourage her to return to work.

  Underhanded? Yes.

  Slightly desperate? Also yes.

  Effective? Goddess, I hoped so.

  When I got back to Woolworth House, I didn’t have to look hard to find my husband. I followed the whir of the blender to the kitchen and found him elbows-deep in perfecting baby food recipes he planned on testing on Kaleigh.

  Sneaking up on him, I pounced and wrapped my arms around his waist. “Where’s LJ?”

  “Corbin is babysitting while Oscar explains the fine points of foam dart war theory to him.”

  “How is the bracelet working?” I kissed the back of his neck. “Or is that the wrong question?”

  “It stayed on this time.” He made a pleased noise. “We’re making progress.”

  Another fun discovery we had made was that LJ was a bit of a nudist. He would slip out of his onesies, his booties, and his diapers given half a chance. The bracelet resembled an ID bracelet, but its sigils kept him in a corporeal state. In theory. It was a work in progress, okay?

  There was also a sigil to keep it glued to his wrist so he wouldn’t gum it off and choke on it.

  Babies were a lot of work.

  Everyone warns you, but you can’t fully comprehend it until you experience it for yourself.

  Factor in LJ’s ability to communicate with Cletus, which blew our collective minds, and we had trouble with a capital T on our hands in the near future.

  “Did you learn anything new?”

  Forcing my hormones back into my stretch pants, I leaned against the counter and prepared to adult for a while. “I got more details out of them, but it’s mostly confirmation of what we already knew.”