The Beast of Boston

by JL Mac

  “I—uh was just going to get a soda. Do either of you need anything?” I ask looking back at Carrick then to Orin. Carrick has his eyes set on Orin and he gives the smallest nod, declining my offer. I look to Orin and see that he is simply staring at Carrick. They clearly need a moment to talk. I lean forward and give Orin a small, friendly hug and say nothing to Carrick as I make my escape. I stay put in the waiting room for the next three hours, waiting on Carrick to meet with the doctor and spend time with Orin. He hasn’t come to find me and I haven’t returned to Orin’s room. They need some time together and this entire thing feels way more intimate than it needs to be. I feel like Carrick’s, and in my heart he is mine but we are little more than acquaintances at this point. My mind reels backward to a time I was tangled in sheets with him, his naked flesh pressed against mine, whispered words of adoration floating between us. Will I ever forget? Will Seattle quell this ache? I have hope that distance and time will finally do the trick. I can’t pretend to be surprised even though several months have come and gone, I’m still nursing a broken heart. How could I possibly get over a man who ditched me but hasn’t quite left me alone? He didn’t want me but he hasn’t allowed me to heal either. He can’t claim he doesn’t know how I feel. I know he knows but the feeling wasn’t mutual and I wasn’t enough.

  Kate is.

  A voice inside sneers and cackles at my expense and I wonder if alcohol will shut that voice up. I intend to find out tonight. Nothing like self-medicating with something ninety proof. I close my eyes, rubbing at my temples, internally pleading with the universe to cut me some slack.

  “Hey.”

  My eyes fly open to see Carrick standing in the doorway of the waiting room with his hands casually stuffed in his pockets. His eyes are tired but soft. “Hey. Everything okay?” He nods then jerks his head slightly for me to follow him. I grab my bag and walk with him in silence out of the hospital and back to his car. He opens the door for me and I slide in, closing my eyes and resting my head back against the leather. Carrick drives in the direction of the harbor and I already know what he’s doing but I choose to bring it up anyway.

  “My apartment is the other way,” I state dumbly.

  “I know. We will eat dinner then I’ll take you back.” I sigh and settle further into the seat, allowing my eyes to watch the damp, cold Boston night pass by. The elevator ride to the top floor feels like a dead man’s walk to the execution chamber. This place is death row for my heart and mind, and Carrick is the prison warden giving the nod for my sentence to be carried out. I shouldn’t be here. My brain is screaming as much but my body and my heart apparently have an unshakable penchant for punishment. I’m only making my departure from Boston harder by being here. It will only hurt more. I know I will hate myself for it. I know that but part of me also knows that if I don’t spend these final hours with Carrick, I will hate myself a lot more. He’s an addiction. A toxic habit. A dangerous hobby. A risk wrapped in reward. I’m captive and I don’t see a way out, not yet anyway. What’s worse is my mind demands that I flee while my heart croons softly for me to stay put no matter how it will hurt later.

  The moment we are back in his penthouse he goes right for the bar, grabbing whiskey for both of us. I take a tentative sip reminding myself to take it easy on the booze around Beast. That’s one way to really screw up. The last thing my self-esteem needs is for me to get loose-lipped-drunk and emotional. I turn in place, surveying his home like it’s my first time seeing it. It’s exactly how I left it that day Murphy escorted me out. Carrick goes to his kitchen and I follow silently behind him. He takes out a variety of things from his refrigerator. Cold cuts and fruit. Cheese and olives. He lays it all out and snags some kind of toasted bread from a cupboard. I study him nervously as he begins eating as though there isn’t a massive elephant in this room.

  “Carrick why am I here?” I ask on a sigh. His beautiful gray eyes lift to meet my gaze and he seems to be considering something.

  “Stay with me,” he whispers.

  “I—”

  “Please,” he adds solemnly with his eyes closed as though in prayer. Tears sting my eyes seeing him like this. Perhaps it the emotional ride he’s been on after Orin’s ordeal or maybe it’s work or maybe it’s a laundry list of things, but he looks so very tormented right now. I clench my jaw and drop my head. Air turns to stone and my lungs ache. My brain screams for me to breathe and yet I can’t seem to force air past the knot in my chest. I reach for my whiskey and down it. The liquid fire burns on its way down but I enjoy the burn. It is a distraction from the emotional atom bomb sitting across from me. It’s armed. The timer is winding down. I have two wires in front of me—a decision to make…

  Rounding his kitchen island I take his face in my hands and rest my forehead against his. “Goddamn you,” I whisper. He sighs, relieved, as he gets to his feet and lifts me up to him. I wrap my legs around his waist and press my mouth to his. He tastes better than I remember. Then again, I always say the same thing about tequila though I know it gives me the worlds worst hangover. Every. Single. Time. Why do I partake in such poison when I know the outcome?

  Because you’ve always liked the taste of trouble, the cynic in me whispers. She’s not wrong.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Beast

  I lay her down across my bed and keep my eyes locked on her emerald stare. She’s incredible. No other woman could compare and I don’t want anyone to compare. I want this night to burn bright in my memory. I want to remain the way I am. Ruined. Ena is tattooed on my heart and in my mind. If I can’t have here in real life I will keep her in my mind, tucked away for only me. Fuck, it’s going to hurt to let her go to Seattle. I push that thought away and focus instead on worshipping her body. I tug her jeans down her creamy legs and hook my fingers in the black lace covering her ass. She lifts and moves in perfect sync with me. Her sweater and bra are next to go. I sit back on my heels and look over her form appraisingly.

  “You’re breath-taking,” I murmur with my lips pressed to the inside of one ankle. “So perfect,” I praise with my lips against the inside of the other ankle. I kiss my way up her body, licking a hot trail against the inside of her thigh. I kiss her wet center and push my tongue forward, swiping it along the tender flesh. She squirms under my touch but I urge her legs over my shoulders and grip her hips in a vice, feasting on her the entire time. I plunder her body, cataloguing the way she tastes and smells, memorizing the way she moans for me.

  “Please,” she pants breathlessly. I pull myself up her body and trace my tongue around one nipple then the other. She rolls her hips upward, silently demanding me to settle myself between her perfect thighs. I hold myself over her body, staring straight down at the woman I can’t keep. Her cheeks are deep pink with desire. Her breathing is hurried. Her pupils dilated so that only a vibrant jade rim shines back at me. Her body is writhing with need. I lean down taking her mouth with mine. She kisses me hard, demanding more. I withdraw to look at her in her eyes as I take her. The tip of my cock butts against her slick heat and her lips part in anticipation. I press forward, edging my way into her. I survey her beautiful face and feel her breathing stall as I push into her luxurious warmth, giving her inch by inch just as slowly as I can stand. I withdraw and push back in, silently telling her all my truths with each measured thrust forward.

  I don’t want you to go.

  I need you.

  I love you.

  I have to set you free.

  I promised I would.

  Time seems to come to a halt and tumble forward all at once in this bed tonight and it happens all without concern for the agony taking root deep in my heart. The clock doesn’t give two fucks about this pain. The clock doesn’t care about my heart. I didn’t even know I had one until she came along and fucked my entire world up. She destroyed everything I thought I knew, every notion I had about my own life and future. She taught me that I could love so fiercely that I would only sample it just to give it all up in the
interest of her safety and happiness. Part of me hates her for it.

  Gripping her thighs I nudge them to wrap around my waist and I push myself as far as I can into her, robbing her of breath and space. Her breasts are pressed to my chest, her choppy breathing in my ear, her lips against my neck, her heels digging into my lower back and still, it’s not nearly close enough. Emotion I’m unaccustomed to feeling begins to choke me and I thrust harder still.

  “Oh, Carrick,” she cries, coming undone completely. I lean back and take her mouth, drinking down every sound of pleasure slipping over those plush lips of hers. I greedily take it all for myself. She whimpers and moans into my mouth as her muscles spasm and clench around my cock. It’s my undoing. I thrust harder forward until I feel my own release gathering deep in my stomach. I ground out releasing myself into her, with spotted vision and a chasm in my heart, I collapse against her and hang on just a while longer. I promised I’d let her go and make sure she never returns. I promised and I plan to keep that promise.

  We spend the night making love and forging memories that will likely haunt both of us for a long time. No turning back now. I slip out of the bed as the sun begins peeking up on the horizon. I stretch and refuse to peer behind me at the woman sleeping peacefully in my bed. Instead I go to my bathroom, take a hot shower and silently challenge myself to betray Orin yet again. I won’t. I can’t. I know I can’t. Anyway, I shouldn’t. Bratva assholes are still around and preening for a fight any chance they get. Word from Murph was that the Asian Triad and Bratva have decided to work together to cut themselves out a larger chunk of territory than we have left them with. The violence never ends it only ebbs and flows. Always has. Always will. She will be safe from it though. I am making sure of it.

  I knew he knew. He knew that I knew. She had that curtain of fire piled high on her head in one of those ratty buns women wear. Little tendrils floating freely here and there. I hadn’t thought to tell her to wear her hair down. I was so distracted by the thought that Orin was going to die on me that I hadn’t paid attention to how she did her hair. She sat on that hospital bed beside Or and turned her head and I saw the moment his eyes noticed the red heart shaped birthmark at her hairline. I saw his Adams apple bob up then down with a labored swallow. I saw the look in his eyes when he realized that I knew. His blue depths met mine from his place in bed and in that moment I was an open book. He knew. He knew right then exactly what I had done. I deprived him of his daughter. I robbed him. I hurt him. I did something I bet he never would have expected from me. In that instant of knowing, his icy stare pinning me in place across the room, I was complicit in the last twenty-three years of anguish he has endured. I am no better than the twisted fucks that stole his baby daughter from his grasp. Ena had left us alone and I shut the door after she made her exit. I didn’t say a word neither did he. For a long time we sat in silence, both of us lost in thought and spinning wildly in the wake of her reemergence.

  “Where was she?”

  “Foster care then adopted at ten by a cop.”

  “Who gave her the name? Who took her?”

  “I’m still working on piecing all of that together.”

  “How long have you known?” His voice was smooth and even but his eyes were filled with a look of betrayal and pain. The heart monitor beeping dimly in the background also told me that his heart was pounding. He was in turmoil and rightfully so.

  “Shortly after Will died. I saw the birthmark and recognized it and… she just… I don’t know. I just knew,” I shrugged weakly. “I had her DNA compared with yours. She’s your daughter.”

  “I knew something was wrong, I knew your loyalty was slipping from me but I would never have guessed something like this, Carrick,” he breathed, shaking his head in disbelief.

  “I love her,” I said, as though that explained it all.

  “I do too. I always have,” he rasped then cleared his throat.

  “Who else knows?”

  “Murph.” Orin nodded, satisfied with my answer.

  “She’s so much like you. Like us. She fits in every way but I decided that she deserves more than this shit,” I dragged my hands roughly through my hair. “I love her,” I repeated.

  “So you kicked her to the curb,” he nodded in understanding. “And yet, you still interact. You still see her,” he stated more to himself than to me.

  “I will call Murph. He can get the guys. They can handle my betrayal,” I said thrusting my chin out. I knew what was coming and I intended to take it like a man. I betrayed Orin McCrae. On no planet does that end well. I dragged my phone out of my pocket ready to call Murphy.

  “What did you say?” he growled with true malice, reminiscent of the years he was in his prime and heading up High Knoll himself.

  “My betrayal. Murph can handle it.”

  “I lost my daughter. I was forced to live without her for twenty-three years. I had nightmares about my tiny baby girl being drowned or shot or buried alive,” he fumes causing my eyes to clog with emotion. “You honestly think I am prepared to lose my son, too?”

  “I—”

  “Come close,” he growled. I came to him as he ordered. He leaned forward fisted his hand in my shirt and yanked me to him. “Don’t you ever say something like that again. Ever!” Emotion won out over iron will and he pulled me down to him. I wrapped my arms around him and fought back against my own tears as his spilled hot against my shoulder. “My son,” he croaked and sniffled. We sat like that for a long time, each of us letting go of hurt. He patted my back and I finally released him and handed him tissue. “Gone soft in my old age, boyo,” he laughed dryly. He sniffled a few more times then took a deep breath full of resolve and hard-won strength.

  “I can’t guarantee her safety with us,” I admitted aloud. Orin nodded, staring off into space. “She’s moving to Seattle soon.” He nodded again, still staring at nothing.

  “If the Russians knew. Hell, even the Italians…” he said, shaking his head.

  “I know. I would ask your forgiveness but I don’t deserve it,” I said quietly, looking at my feet.

  “Want my forgiveness?”

  “Always.”

  “Send my daughter away to live a happy life. Leave her alone. Give her no reason to come back to our world. Make her stay away,” he whispered the last part with a thread of grief laced through each word. “As far as the world knows, baby McCrae is dead just as we have always believed her to be.”

  And so… he loses her again and so do I, but this time we do it together. We share our loss in silence taking solace in only each other and the brief time Ena McCrae was ours.

  I’ve been quiet and aloof all morning. I cited business shit to deal with when I tapped her and told her to get ready so I could take her home. She hasn’t said two things to me and I can see her stuck in her own thoughts, running over every moment we shared last night, what it did or didn’t mean and where things go from here. I hate the idea of it but she will find out soon enough exactly how things are going to go. “Murph said there is a party for you?”

  “Hmm? Oh. Yeah. My mom is doing this farewell dinner thing at Gino’s later. It’s dumb,” she waves her hand dismissively.

  “When do you leave for Seattle?”

  “My flight is tomorrow afternoon,” she says biting the inside of her cheek. I don’t say anything to that. I simply nod and drive her away from the only place I wish she would stay forever. I open her door for her and walk her up to her half empty apartment. She pauses at the door, facing away from me.

  “Carrick, I can’t let you hurt me like that any more,” she whispers. I grip her by her shoulders and turn her in place. My hands cup her jaw and I force her to look me in the eye.

  “I’m sorry. About everything. I am. More than you’ll ever know,” I say in a pained voice, hoping she can feel the finality I am trying to convey. Before she can say anything in response, I kiss her firmly but it’s brief and chaste and echoes of a million missed kisses that I will have to live wi
thout then I’m gone. This time forever.

  Every cell in my body is screaming that truth and right now, I hate the truth.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Ena

  I am in the same mental and emotional boat after sleeping with Carrick as I was before I slept with Carrick last night. Half of me is glad I did it and the other half really hates me right now. The ache between my thighs reminds me of where he spent his time last night. We slept very little and loved a whole lot and yet nothing is resolved. I had hoped something would come of our night together. I had hoped we would either admit we need and love each other and he wanted to make a place for me in his life, or that we would enjoy ourselves but agree it was the end of the line. It felt final this morning when he dropped me off at my apartment but somehow my heart refuses to believe it.

  The only closure I feel is the certainty in my gut telling me that I will be leaving here tomorrow with no closure at all. Forcing Carrick out of my mind is no easy task but tying up loose ends to move across the country has helped distract me today. I have run the last few boxes of my things to mom’s house where she promised to keep them stored in the garage until I could arrange for shipping. I stopped by the diner and said goodbye to my friends there. I forwarded my mail and I stopped by Nick’s gym to say goodbye and good luck with his new gym at a second location opening next month. They’re all menial tasks that do little to assuage the hurt I’m so accustomed to carrying around.