Essence

by Mandi Lynn

  “Our daughter has higher standards than this.”

  “Willing to bet?” he says, a smile sprawling across his face. He gets money out of his pocket and holds it up to her face.

  Sadie laughs and pushes away his money. “Your money is my money, remember?”

  “All right.” He puts away the cash. “If Trish doesn’t like the hat—which she will because she’s Daddy’s girl and loves anything I give to her—then I’ll bow to your every need and whim.”

  She smiles at the offer, already thinking of what she’ll have him do. “And if she does like the hat?” she asks, crossing her arms, trying to find the catch.

  “Then I get to bask in the wonderful words of ‘I told you so!’”

  “Fine, go ahead. Buy the hat.” She ushers him to the register to pay, but she slinks behind. Sadie shakes her head, laughing to herself while her husband waits in line with the crazy hat with antlers for their daughter.

  Her focus wanders my way for the briefest moment, and when our gazes lock, I smile at her. She freezes, looking me up and down. I see her eyebrows furrow, as she begins to turn to her husband.

  “Honey?” I hear her voice say, as I rush out the door and back into the rain. The bell at the top of the door alerts her of my departure. In the rain I cross the street and stand under a canopy. Sadie walks from the store with her husband. They stand hand in hand, but she is searching the street for any sign of me. She isn’t scared after seeing my ghostly form, like I thought she would be. Instead she just looks around, a small smile forming on her lips.

  “What is it?” her husband asks.

  She shrugs, never bothering to look across the street to where I stand. “I just thought I saw a friend that I haven’t seen for a while,” she says with a knowing grin. They walk away, but Sadie smiles as she does so, looking up into the rain clouds, as if expecting I would be there.

  _________________

  “Would you like to see a trick?” a man asks, as I walk through the rain, making my journey home to Phantom Lagoon. His clothes are brightly colored, and he wears a top hat with a green ribbon going across it. He’s the type of street performer I’d see all over the streets in the summer, but now it’s fall. The rain that pours down on us mutes the colors of his clothes and makes it cling to his skin.

  I back away from him for a moment, afraid he may see I’m different. Unlike humans, the rain doesn’t soak my clothing; it just glides through me. I’m not dripping wet or cold like this man; and if I stand in the rain long enough, he will notice.

  A few more steps backward and I’m under a canopy again.

  “Well, don’t be scared, child!” He laughs, mostly to himself, an odd Irish accent in his speech. “I just want to show you something.”

  I don’t speak a word, but I also don’t move. He takes this as encouragement, and reaches into one of his many pockets and pulls out a long rubber balloon. He stretches it, pulling it, wrapping it around his finger to make a show of the simple gesture.

  “Balloon animals?” I ask, speaking up. The man stands out in the rain still, unlike me, who has the cover of the canopy. He doesn’t make a move to come underneath the shelter. He almost seems to enjoy the rain that continues its rhythmic pattern across his skin.

  “No, no! I do so much more than just blow up balloons. You see, I’m more than just your average clown.” He gestures down to his clothing and for the first time I see a plastic flower pinned to his shirt. I look him over in more detail, expecting to find abnormally large shoes, but his are just black and normal. “Why, I believe my balloons tell you things that may or may not happen.”

  “So a fortune teller?” I ask.

  “If that’s what you wanna call it.” He smiles at me, handing over the deflated balloon. “Why don’t you warm that up in your hands for me?”

  The string of rubber hangs between us, and I take it carefully, knowing that, if I touch his skin, I will simply pass through.

  “Go ahead, warm ’er up!”

  I do as he says, rolling the balloon between my two hands. The rubber doesn’t grow warm like it may if a human were doing this, but I decide to humor the man.

  “All right, all right. You got enough of your DNA on there already. Hand it over,” he says, as if disgusted with me.

  I laugh as he cringes when the balloon falls into his hands again. “I’m going to have to sterilize everything after you leave,” he mumbles loudly to himself.

  With a shimmy of his shoulders and a clear of his throat, he blows into the balloon infected with my DNA. His eyes cross, and I can’t help but laugh, as he puts on a show while just inflating the balloon. After a few deep breaths on his part, the balloon is filled with air, revealing its dark purple hue.

  “Why…this looks like the color of the necklace you got there,” he says, winking at me. I look down at my stone, and sure enough, they are a perfect match.

  He observes the balloon, twisting and turning it to look at it from different angles. He brings it to his ear, listening to what the balloon tells him. “Hmm. Yep. Sure!” He speaks to it like it’s a phone. He levels his head again and makes fast motions to shape the balloon. He stops suddenly, seeing I’m watching and makes a shocked face, as if I’ve just walked in on him.

  “How rude!” he says, undoing all the work he’s done to shape the balloon, turning it back into a straight line. He pivots, hiding what he is doing and begins his work again. I stand under the canopy, listening to the rain fall. The odd man makes a small grunt as he continues to work on the balloon.

  “Aha!” He holds up the balloon and turns to me.

  I try to hold in a laugh when he shows it to me. After all that work he seemed to put into his trick, the only thing I see is what looks like a lollipop-shaped balloon. I raise my eyebrows, suppressing a smile, when he puts up his finger to stop me.

  “Do you see it?” he asks.

  “I don’t think so,” I say, half giggling.

  “It is a magnifying glass!”

  He takes it by the handle and comes closer to me. He uses it, looking closely at my face, and I back away to make sure he doesn’t touch me. He makes odd faces as he examines me. He steps aside, rummages again through his pockets and pulls out a needle. Without hesitation he pops the balloon, letting it drop to the ground and puts away the needle.

  “Are you ready to hear what I have seen?” he asks, proper in his stance, hands behind him, chin up.

  I nod, curious at what this man has to say.

  “You will lose something soon. I would give you the magnifying glass, but…” He looks down at the rubber balloon in shreds on the ground. “It popped.” He gives a disappointed face.

  He observes my face again.

  “Don’t fret, my darling! Losing things is okay, because then it can be found!”

  I try to smile to thank him for the entertainment, but in my heart, I hope his fortune is false.

  I search my pockets to give the man money, but come up short. Instead I turn to the side-walk and pick a stray daisy, drowning in the rain, and hand it to the man. He smiles, bows in a curtsy manner, and takes the flower, tucking it behind his ear. I start to walk past him into the rain where Phantom Lagoon waits.

  “Don’t worry, child,” he yells out to me. “Sometimes when you find something, it’s better than you remembered it being when you lost it.”

  I turn around and eye the man, who is probably the strangest person I have ever met. Clad in his top hat, he sticks out like a sore thumb, but his face tells me that he wishes he could have given me a better fortune.

  “Thank you,” I say in a whisper.

  I didn’t think he heard me, but he takes off his top hat and bows to me again.

  “Anything for you.”

  He stares at me for a moment too long and sees I’m different. His eyes register that the rain passes through my body and doesn’t soak my skin. He opens his mouth, as if to say more, but stops himself. Instead, he smiles.

  “You’ll find it,” he says.


  Chapter 26

  Runaway

  Eliza and I plan to take Kenzie to see her family someday. We go without Kenzie to watch her family and make sure they are okay. The first visit is for Kenzie’s fourth memorial birthday; her family holds a memorial at a park near their house. Eliza sits by herself on one of the swings, while she watches, and I want to sit with her too, but I’m afraid someone will recognize me, so I stay in the forest at the edge of the park.

  Kenzie’s relatives arrive with flowers, and they talk about going to the cemetery to put them on Mackenzie’s grave. Her parents cry, but I can tell they are happy to have a family that cares for their lost little girl. There are smiles, and tears, but most of all, there is love.

  At the end of the party Eliza comes to sit with me in the trees until everyone leaves.

  “Did you notice?” Eliza whispers.

  “What?”

  “Look at Kenzie’s mom, how she’s acting.”

  She is talking to her husband while they hold hands, looking at the sun that is beginning to set in the sky. He kisses her head and wraps his arm around her waist. Finally she holds her hand to her stomach and leans into him.

  “They’re having another baby,” Eliza smiles, eyes aglow in the setting sky. The two of us leave, giving silent wishes to Kenzie’s parents as they start a family again.

  _________________

  Months later a baby girl named Jessica arrives into the world. She looks like Kenzie in so many ways, yet they still seem to be polar opposites at the same time. Jessica is born with black hair like her mother and seems quiet, unlike Kenzie who always has something to say.

  Eliza visits Jessica during the afternoons to watch her play in the backyard. Her parents still remember Kenzie and sometimes I leave a pink ribbon in Jessica’s room while she takes a nap. It’s a message of love to Kenzie’s parents, and it isn’t long until they realize the ribbons don’t come from Jessica. Her mom keeps every ribbon and puts them in a jar with Kenzie’s name on it. I share the ribbons whenever Kenzie’s family needs a lift in spirit, and it always does the trick.

  _________________

  Jessica marries her life partner on what would have been Mackenzie’s twenty-fifth birthday. Jessica walks down the aisle, wearing a rose pink dress with Kenzie’s pink ribbons incorporated into the bouquet of flowers.

  Like the rest of us, Kenzie is frozen in age. She is still only three, the same as the day she arrived. Jessica is now twenty-seven and has a family of her own with twin sons only a few weeks old. Kenzie is an aunt, but she has no knowledge of it. She doesn’t even know she has a sister or about the amazing things her family has done in her honor. Kenzie is still under the impression that she’s an angel, waiting to earn her wings. Eliza and I have to remind ourselves that we lied to protect her, not to keep her away from her family. We’ve thought about telling her, but it always ends in a moot point, arguing over what would be best and whether Kenzie would even understand.

  Since Kenzie has settled into her life at Phantom Lagoon, Luna stopped coming, unless someone needs her. She always seems to disappear into the forest and then shows up whenever there is tension, but no one ever calls for her. Things have settled down so much it has become quiet—nobody talks. When you have forever, there is nothing left to interest you.

  _________________

  Kenzie is hidden in the forest of trees somewhere, playing hide-and-seek. She is the best hider out of all of us, because she is so small. Sometimes, when we can’t find her, we’ll ask someone to tell us of her hiding place, so we can unveil her.

  “Emma!” Kenzie screams out, jumping in front of me to reveal herself. She laughs, and Eliza comes to join us. “Eliza, your turn to hide!” Kenzie says, taking Eliza by the hand.

  “How about you go play with someone else, Kenzie? I need to talk to Emma,” she says, turning down Kenzie’s game.

  She’s disappointed for a minute before running over to the many spirits that stay in Phantom Lagoon during the day. It isn’t long before she’s found herself a new playmate.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, turning to Eliza.

  “Kenzie is twenty-seven. She’s smart. I think we should tell her.”

  I look over to Kenzie playing with a young woman who smiles brightly. Another older man—in his sixties maybe—watches her, laughing at what she has to say.

  “I know.”

  Eliza pushes the subject. “She needs to know about her family.”

  “I know, Eliza, but I don’t know how she will react,” I say, watching the little girl I’ve known like a sister. Her human life was destroyed, but here in Phantom Lagoon, she seems so happy. I don’t know if she still thinks about her family, but she never speaks of or asks about them.

  “Tomorrow then.” And Eliza walks away to join in Kenzie’s game.

  _________________

  “Mackenzie, sit down,” Eliza starts in a serious tone, letting Kenzie know right away it’s important to listen carefully.

  Kenzie sits on a tree stump, following directions. I settle to the ground, leaning against the tree, while Eliza kneels down beside Kenzie. We can hear the quiet murmur of talking coming a few feet away in Phantom Lagoon. From the short distance I can see the fence of trees that is supposed to safeguard the lagoon, but out here, we are away from its beauty and magic for a moment.

  “Do you remember the day you met us?” I ask, picking a wild pansy, the same flower I saw the day my father died; it had shown me hope.

  “Yeah,” she says. “I was camping with Mommy and Daddy, and I saw you. When Mommy and Daddy were asleep, I went to look for you.”

  “Why?” I whisper, wishing I had just stayed away from Kenzie and her family.

  “I heard you scream. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  Eliza glances at me. I take a long breath and close my eyes.

  “Where were your parents?” Eliza steps in, holding Kenzie’s hand.

  “Asleep,” she says, crossing her arms and taking her hand away from Eliza, as if to tell us not to question her actions. The rejection stings Eliza for a moment, but she smiles and turns quiet.

  I grasp my stone as the memories surface of Kenzie’s human death. There was a short moment—a fraction of infinity—when I thought she was going to be able to continue her human life. But she had found a stone. “Why did you leave, Kenzie?”

  “I’m sorry, Emma,” Kenzie tells me, putting her hand on my shoulder.

  “No,” I say, wiping my eyes out of habit. “It’s not your fault.”

  “Kenzie,” Eliza says, stroking her hair. “Do you know how old you are?”

  Her eyes look around her for an answer. I can almost see her thinking, counting the years in her head, but I can tell her human memories are harder to put in order, making counting years difficult. She doesn’t answer.

  “Twenty-seven,” Eliza states. “But you look three, because that’s how old you were when you came to Phantom Lagoon.”

  “When I became an angel?” She perks up at the magical thought of having glorious wings that stem from her shoulder blades.

  “You aren’t an angel,” Eliza says softly, running her hand through Kenzie’s curls.

  “Because I haven’t earned them yet,” Kenzie finishes, touching Eliza’s arm. Eliza shakes her head, her lips growing flat.

  “You aren’t an angel, Kenzie. You’re an Essence,” I tell her. “When you picked up the stone in Phantom Lagoon, it trapped your soul. Your parents didn’t give you to us. They think you’re dead.”

  She sits there, processing everything, keeping quiet. Sometimes her eyes shift to some point in the forest; she memorizes it, and then looks down at her hands.

  “I’m not an angel,” she finally manages to whisper. It’s a statement, not a question.

  Eliza nods her head.

  Kenzie’s lips begin to tremble and soon she’s taking small gasps of air. Eliza tries to put her arm around Kenzie.

  “Mommy!” she cries, pushing Eliza away
from her. “Daddy!”

  “Kenzie, please, calm down.”

  I get to my feet to comfort her, but she pushes me away also, and runs from the lagoon and us. Her shove doesn’t physically hurt but knowing why she did it torments me. We sit on the ground, knowing she may never trust us again, hoping one day she will come to forgive us.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper to Kenzie as she keeps her back to us. Beside me Eliza stands, staring at the girl we both call our sister. A few seconds pass, and Eliza’s knees buckle, and she comes to the ground next to me.

  We both sit in silence, waiting for Kenzie to come back.

  _________________

  “What happened?” Luna bursts through the trees and comes over to where we sit on the ground.

  “We told Kenzie the truth,” Eliza says, wiping invisible tears from her face.

  We all sit in the quiet of the forest for what seems like hours, but the sun has hardly moved its position in the sky. Eliza and I both wanted to search and find Kenzie, but there was a silent agreement between us that she just needed time.

  “She ran away,” I say quietly.

  Luna nods, understanding Kenzie’s motives. “Go find her. She doesn’t know the difference between human life and an Essence. Make sure you’re all back by nightfall.” She takes a final worried glance around the forest where Kenzie has hidden before, leaving us to search.

  We had forgotten. In all the talk of angels we had filled in Kenzie’s head, we had never once mentioned she needed to be in Phantom Lagoon before nightfall. Eliza gives me a quick scared look, as she realizes what danger Kenzie is in. We both rise to our feet. It’s a real-life game of hide-and-seek, and as always, Kenzie is the best at hiding.

  Eliza and I are both quiet as we search, listening for some sort of sign from Kenzie.

  “Do you think we shouldn’t have told her?” I ask, moving branches out of my way to search paths of the forest and small hiding spots Kenzie has used in past games of hide-and-seek.

  Eliza keeps walking, but I wait for her answer, frozen at the bush of berries that Kenzie used to win one game of hide-and-seek. When I move the bush slightly, red berries fall to the ground. Eliza sees I’ve stopped and looks back at me, taking a deep breath.