Essence

by Mandi Lynn

  “Oh, my God,” she says again, taking her hands down, stepping toward me. “Are you okay?”

  I look around me and see everyone staring at us intently. Suddenly I feel overwhelmed by all the faces, and part of me wants to take cover in the cave again, but I breathe and muster an answer for Eliza.

  “I think so.”

  Eliza rushes to me for a hug. Her arms lock around me, and I can hear a quiet sob coming from her. Soon I’m doing the same thing. She releases me to get a better look, as if to make sure it is me and not a figment of her imagination. “I can’t believe…you’re here.”

  “Emma?” Luna’s voice calls me to her, and when I turn around, I see Kenzie at her feet. Luna ushers her forward, and Kenzie stares at me in awe.

  “You’re back now?” she asks in her high voice. Her large eyes stare into me, holding the undying attention they always possess. Her lips move as if she wants to say more, but she stays quiet.

  I half laugh, half cry, finally relieved to see her safe, as I kneel down to give her a hug. “I guess so.”

  Kenzie smiles and jumps into my arms, holding me tight in her small grasp.

  “I’m so sorry,” I tell her. “We didn’t want to lie to you.”

  She buries her face in my hair. “I know,” she says, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

  I release her, and she takes my hand and guides me to the family that came here on their hike.

  “This is my new best friend, Sherri,” Kenzie introduces me, and Sherri smiles with a wave. The little girl’s hair falls in long cascades down her back, in front of her face if she leans forward. “And that’s her big brother, Drew.” I follow her finger to a ten-year-old boy with brown hair like his sister. He waves quickly before returning to the game he is playing with Tyler that includes gun sounds and running around.

  “Excuse me.” I turn around to see Sherri and Drew’s mother. Her husband, a broad, tall man, has his arm around her waist. Both of their faces look unsure of everything around them. The woman looks exactly like Sherri but has a short pixie cut that frames her small face. She steps forward with a shy smile. “I don’t know what happened to you, but I don’t think anyone does.” She half laughs in an awkward silence.

  I wait for her to continue.

  “We’ve only been here for a few months now, but we were here when you were kept outside—when people took shifts to wake you. I’ve never seen such a bond before.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She smiles at me and looks to her husband. After he nods, she begins to talk. “We were scared when we came here. Luna explained things to us, but we didn’t trust people. The two of us didn’t want our children hurt.” She looks past me at Sherri and Drew. “Seeing everyone work together to keep you safe is what made us finally able to see the brighter side of things.”

  I smile, knowing exactly what it is like to come to Phantom Lagoon, but I didn’t help this family. I want to correct them, to say that it is everyone here in the lagoon she should thank, because they are the ones who took care of me when I was lost in an abyss—they are the ones that instilled trust. I’m about to speak the words, but the woman comes over to hug me in thanks.

  She steps away and smiles. “This is my husband, Henry, and I’m Elli.” Henry offers me his hand, and I shake it, grateful to already be welcomed back.

  “I’m Emma,” I tell them both.

  “Oh we know you, Emma. Your family too—I used to work for your dad,” Henry tells me.

  “Really?”

  “I was his intern on my first job. Makes you work hard, but he knows what he’s doing. What’s he up to these days?” Henry asks with a casual smile.

  I feel my breath catch in my throat. “He…he had a seizure.” I look past these two strangers, trying to talk about my dad for the first time in years, seeing the sun outline the trees in the background. “They diagnosed him with brain cancer, and he died a few months later.”

  “Oh, honey,” Elli murmurs, and I see her clutch for her husband again. “We’re so sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” I look at them again, still watching the sun glow its perfect rays in the corner of my eye—they couldn’t have known. “It was a relief really. He was sick for a long time.”

  Henry clears his throat, and when I glance at him, I see his gaze is fixated on the lagoon. “It was amazing…” Elli stares up at him and hugs his body, burying her face in his broad chest. “We just went out for a hike as a family one day. It was a spontaneous sort of thing—we didn’t even remember to pack a lunch.” He laughs to himself. “Sherri had run ahead of us, and I guess she found this place. Just a second before she ran through the trees, she was laughing, but as soon as she stepped in, everything went quiet. Drew followed behind her…still nothing.”

  Elli sniffs in his arms, and he holds her closer.

  “What did you do?” I ask.

  “Elli and I went in after them. We both assumed that if they had gotten hurt, we would have heard a scream. It was so beautiful, once you got through the trees, but the only thing we saw was our children, lifeless in the pool of water. We had no idea what had happened, but that’s when I felt it. Even with the horror of believing both my children were dead, I couldn’t be distracted by this…need to get closer. It was like the water was calling to me, and when I stepped into the water, I didn’t even have to think about what I was doing. It was instinct. The last thing I remember is standing in knee-deep water, Drew and Sherri lying half on shore, and looking into the stone and seeing my reflection. It was…amazing. It felt like I was going in on myself.”

  In his arms Elli whimpers and wipes her face with the back of her hand, confused by the lack of tears.

  “We can’t cry,” I tell her. “The emotions are there, of course, but not the tears. You don’t really get used to it.”

  There’s silence between us, and I want to lift the mood. “There is a good thing about Phantom Lagoon though.” They look at me waiting. “Your family is here, and you’re frozen in time. If you’re going to be stuck with someone for all eternity, it might as well be your soul mate.”

  They both smile, looking at each other, and Elli speaks up. “We know.” Henry kisses her forehead.

  “Plus there’s no rent to pay,” he adds, and we all laugh.

  Chapter 31

  Dwelling

  I follow Kenzie’s path through the forest to a spot we both know. She stops at the campground—the last place she saw her parents. I don’t know if she’s aware I’m behind her, so I remain quiet while she takes a seat at her old campsite. Her blond curls blow in the wind, and she sits still in the cold. I stay behind a tree, when she gets up and looks into the circle of rocks that once made up a campfire.

  She almost drops to the ground, as she puts her face into her hands. I can see her body heave, and I can feel myself ache as I watch her. A long time passes, and she leans to the side, until she is lying on the ground in surrender.

  “Kenzie?” I finally step through the trees.

  She stirs but doesn’t get up from her spot.

  I try again. “Are you okay?”

  “No,” she says.

  I stand a few feet from her, but I can tell she doesn’t like my following her. I sit down, letting her know I’m willing to wait and stay quiet with her. A few more minutes pass, and I can hear a sob coming from her again.

  “Sometimes I wish we could cry,” I tell her. “It feels like I’m not really here, because I can’t express emotions fully—whether it is tears of joy or sorrow.”

  She ignores me and curls into a tight ball.

  “Maybe it’s just me.”

  A light wind comes through the trees’ branches, covering Kenzie’s face with her hair. She doesn’t move.

  “I miss my family too.”

  No response.

  “I even wish that I didn’t remember them sometimes. I guess, if you don’t remember, you don’t feel that ache in your chest anymore.”

  I can hear a sniffle coming from Ke
nzie, and she moves into a more comfortable position, keeping her back to me.

  “When I was in that void for the last few months, I didn’t remember anything. And even though I couldn’t remember, I knew there was something else. And as much as I hate the feeling of being truly alone, the worse part of the void was that I knew there was more. All I could do was think, trying to remember, even though I couldn’t find anything.”

  I bring my knees to my chest, the sun radiating on my back as the last of the winter season fades away, spring just a blossom away. “I couldn’t remember my family. That ache from their absence that’s here in Phantom Lagoon, it was gone. I know you might think that’s a good thing, but I never truly forgot. I don’t think you can ever forget your family.”

  “Are you saying it will always hurt to think about them?” Kenzie asks.

  I smile, hearing her voice, but it disappears as soon as I listen to what she is saying.

  “Maybe,” I start. “But not always. For a while it will, but soon…” I pause trying to find the right words. “I guess you become numb.” I sigh, hating myself for saying that, but knowing I’m giving her nothing but the truth.

  Kenzie gets up, and I’m startled when she breaks the distance between us and collapses into my arms. “I miss them,” she cries while I cradle her.

  “I know,” I whisper, rubbing her back. She’s a dead weight in my arms. Her body is tired and limp; the only thing that tells me she’s alive is her shaky breathing. Every now and then she shudders and falls deeper into my arms like she wishes to disappear.

  “Do you still miss your dad?” She lifts her head and her eyes bore into me. Her eyes are red and irritated, and the brown irises look almost black as she stifles her cries.

  I watch her as she breathes in slow and deep breaths. “Yeah, but I know he’s safe now.”

  Kenzie smiles and points to the sky. “In Heaven?” The sun reflects off her eyes and creates the glow of joy that she once possessed when she was with her family, just a human.

  I nod again, losing my voice. I feel a smile form across my face.

  “Do you think he’s an angel?” she asks.

  I think for a moment about what he might be doing right now in his piece of eternity. Surely he hasn’t left my mom when she needs him. “No, not yet anyway.”

  Kenzie looks at me, confused.

  “When my dad died, he had to leave my mom behind. But I don’t think he would ever truly leave her. Especially now, when she needs him most. So I think he is going to wait for my mom, before he passes on and becomes an angel.”

  “Will he wait for you?”

  I’m put back by the question. Would he wait for me? I don’t even know if it’s possible for an Essence to pass on. It takes me a moment to come up with an answer.

  “I don’t think so. I don’t need any help here. I’ve got my family right here at Phantom Lagoon. My mom is alone at a nursing home. That’s why she needs my dad.”

  “Your mom has you. Can’t you visit her?”

  Her question makes me remember the last time I saw her. I was peeking in through a window of her new room she had just been moved into with another woman who lived in the nursing room. They were talking about grandchildren, and when my mom was asked about hers, she just said her daughter died very young. When the other women asked what happened, my mom couldn’t remember.

  “You know how I used to visit my mom every day?” I ask and Kenzie nods in reply. “Well, that’s because she knew what had happened to me. I was an Essence, but I still talked to her.”

  “Really?” Kenzie’s eyes suddenly turn bright. “Can I visit my mom?”

  “I broke a rule by doing that, Kenzie. It’s something you’re not supposed to do. Eliza’s father did that, and she followed him to Phantom Lagoon. That’s how she became an Essence. I didn’t know that when I told my mom.”

  Kenzie’s face falls, so I try to get back on subject.

  “Kenzie, I can’t visit my mom in her nursing home, because she forgot about me. I don’t know when it happened, but she doesn’t remember a lot of things now.”

  Kenzie frowns, and I try to lighten the mood. “I visit her. I just can’t talk to her.”

  “Can I do that?” Her face brightens slightly, but I can tell she’s preparing herself for rejection.

  “Can humans see you?”

  She frowns. “No, Eliza tried to see if I could be seen, but I don’t have any superpowers like you guys.”

  I smile at the thought of them being superpowers, but I guess, in Kenzie’s eyes, they are.

  “Then that makes this much easier for us.” And when I tell her that, one of her best smiles crosses her face, and she hugs me with the most strength she can muster.

  Chapter 32

  Enshrine

  “Where are they?” Kenzie jumps around, hidden within the trees. Just a few feet out is a park—the same one Kenzie’s family goes to on her birthday to celebrate her life. “Emma, where are they?” She grabs my hand and tries to pull me out to the break in the trees.

  “They’re having a family reunion,” I tell her, stopping in my tracks, so Kenzie doesn’t go any farther to where her unsuspecting family enjoys each other’s company.

  “Come on!” She tugs on my arm again.

  I grab her by the shoulders, so she looks me in the eyes. “Kenzie, I want you to see your family again, but you have to remember that they can see and hear me. I can’t interact with you. Understand?”

  She nods her head. “Can we go now?” she asks in an excited voice.

  I smile, and take her small hand in mine. I can feel her radiate with excitement as we begin to approach the park. A field begins to open in front of us as the trees disappear. The grass stretches across the circular park, picnic tables scattered every few feet. There are a few metal grills anchored to the ground for public use, and several people have already begun to barbecue, filling the air with the smell of summer. Kenzie stops when she sees her family through the last of the trees. They stand at a table, arranging food and treats, talking among themselves. At first I see a flash of disappointment on her face, but she manages a smile.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, bending down to be at her eye level.

  She rocks back on her feet for a moment, looking ahead at her family before answering. “Mommy and Daddy look different.”

  I follow her gaze to her mom and dad. Her mom once had long dark hair, but now it’s cut short with streaks of gray shining out. Her father wears glasses while he reads to his grandchildren, who are only a few months old—they look so much like Kenzie and her sister, Jessica.

  “It’s been years, Kenzie. Time does different things to humans.”

  She just nods in reply.

  Eventually she sits on the ground against a tree, watching as her family talk about what has changed since they had last seen each other. I try to read the expression on Kenzie’s face, but she just concentrates on them with intense care, showing no outward emotion. I sit against another tree next to her, allowing her space but wanting to be there for her.

  “Is that my sister?” I follow her finger to a young woman holding hands with her husband.

  “Yes, have you seen her before?”

  She shakes her head no. “She looks like me and Mommy. Who’s she holding hands with?”

  “Her husband. They have twin boys,” I tell her, pointing out her nephews. “They’re the little babies your dad is reading to.”

  With all her questions answered, she sits quietly, as if she had never spoken a word. I look to the sky and notice the sun start to fall—only a handful of daylight hours are given to us in this world. I look over to Kenzie to see if she has noticed, but her stare follows her baby nephews.

  _________________

  “What should I do?” It had been a long silence, and I had almost forgotten Kenzie was next to me.

  She sits perfectly, legs crossed and back straight. Her gaze lingers on her family even as she speaks.

  “What?”
I ask, not understanding.

  “Is there something I can do to let them know I’m here?”

  When she asks I don’t see a small three-year-old, but a child mature beyond her years. I could feel the intensity in her voice as she talked about her family, and I knew exactly how I could help.

  I get up and reach into my pocket for a pink ribbon. “Here.” I place it in her small palm and close her fingers around it. “Give it to them. Eliza and I have been putting pink ribbons in your home to let your family know you were okay—they will know what it means.”

  Kenzie smiles and begins a slow walk to the table her family sits at. Halfway there she looks back at me for guidance. I smile to her with encouragement before she turns back to them. She stops in the middle of the crowd of people, looking around, probably thinking of the person who should receive the ribbon.

  Someone approaches her from behind, and I can see the fear stricken on Kenzie’s face like a billboard as they walk through her body. She holds still for a while, not knowing what really happened, and looks at me with a million questions. I usher her forward to continue.

  Kenzie walks over to the table where her mom and dad are. She sits next to them, and they stop talking. Her parents look at each other, knowing something has changed in the atmosphere. Then something amazing happens. Kenzie reaches over and hugs her mom, and when she does, there is no line between human and Essence—she does not pass through her mother’s body like an Essence is expected to. At Kenzie’s touch, a tear falls down the mother’s face, and her husband gets up from his seat across from her and hugs her also. The three of them enjoy their unknown hug that is a miracle in itself. When Kenzie finally releases her mom, she drops the ribbon into her lap. With a few hesitant steps backward, she watches them.

  “I could feel her—Kenzie, just like she had never left,” her mother says, another tear forming and falling down her face.

  “I know,” her father replies, wiping the tear and giving her a kiss on the forehead.

  The moment comes when both parents look down and see the single pink ribbon laid out in front of them. Kenzie’s mother takes it gingerly in her hands and gets up from her seat to hug her husband again. They both cry in each other’s arms, as they remember their first daughter who died at the young age of three.