Essence

by Mandi Lynn

  “Thanks for saving my life, Emma.”

  He puts his hand out to shake, and I step away. He stares for a moment, observing my behavior like I’m an otherworldly creature that should be adored.

  “Oh, I get it. I get it…” His voice is free-spirited, as if lifting any worry from my shoulders. “Germaphobe.”

  I laugh at the thought.

  “See ya later, kid!” Harvi says, turning away onto a path in the forest. He doesn’t look back to make sure I’m okay, and I welcome the easy parting. I watch as he steps into the rainy forest, oblivious to the weather, as he hums to himself.

  I’m amazed by the man. Whatever is in him that he possesses, it allows him to live. He doesn’t question the strange; he just observes.

  So the theories were wrong. Saving a life doesn’t help you move on. I wanted to crumble to the ground, feeling defeated, thinking I might have had a chance to no longer be an Essence; I’m still here. The rain still crawls across my skin, and there’s still no heartbeat in my body. I’m just as lifeless as ever, but seeing Harvi walk away happy and alive expels the defeat. He’s okay, so I’m okay.

  Chapter 34

  False Security

  Everything seemed…perfect. I can’t describe how at peace I am. Kenzie visits her family, and they know she is safe. Sometimes I will watch her as she goes up to her parents and gives them a hug. I told Luna about it, and she said it must be Kenzie’s power.

  Eliza and I spend our days together watching Kenzie and Sherri play different games. Sometimes we worry about Elli and Henry because they keep to themselves so much. Eliza is worried because Elli stopped talking to Sherri and Drew, but Henry came to me one day, saying Elli just misses her other family members. Just yesterday Elli and Henry went to watch their family at a birthday party. I know they will adjust to things here; we all do.

  “Can we play hide-and-seek?” Sherri tugs on my sleeve, catching my attention.

  I smile at her and look over at Eliza, running her fingers through Phantom Lagoon’s pool of water.

  “Let me see if Eliza wants to play,” I tell Sherri. She smiles and runs over to Kenzie, letting her know about the game.

  “You all right?” I ask, crouching down next to Eliza, hearing the crunch and churn of the gravel under my feet. She stays quiet while she takes her hand from the water, watching the liquid drip from her fingers. She dries her fingers on her jeans.

  “Did you read the letter?” she asks in a plain voice, scared to hear my reply but not wanting to show it.

  “Yes,” I respond, knowing she means the one she gave me the night Kenzie disappeared.

  She takes a deep breath. “Okay.” I can feel the tension radiating off her body while she tries to think of what to say. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to read that, and that I’m a coward for not staying with you. I…I just can’t do that.” As she says it, she glares into the water, and I can tell she’s doing everything in her power not to make another ripple in the water—or better yet, a splash with a rock, making a tidal wave, ruining the calm surface like the lagoon had done to her life.

  “Do what, Eliza? Kill yourself? I didn’t want to die that night. I wanted to save Kenzie. You know that,” I tell her.

  “I know.” She shakes her head. “I want to die. I’ve always wanted to die, but I can’t. I don’t think there’s an afterlife for us.”

  She runs her stone over and over in her hand before letting it fall to her neck again, always held in place because of her necklace.

  I’m quiet for a moment, thinking through what I’m about to say. “Eliza, this is our afterlife. I honestly don’t think there’s something else out there for us.”

  I can see her lips tremble, and she tries to hide it. “I know, but I don’t care about me. I don’t care if I’m here forever, Emma.” Her voice lowers into a whisper. “I just want to know what happened to my dad.” She curls her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around her knees so tight it almost looks painful. “He’s out there somewhere, right? Someone can’t just disappear.”

  “I wish I could tell you but…” Eliza stops me before I can finish.

  “But you don’t know. Luna told me the same thing.” She’s quiet, staring into the water that looks almost like a mirror. “Why did you come over here?” she asks.

  “Sherri wants to play hide-and-seek. I came over to see if you wanted to play,” I tell her, adjusting my body into a comfortable position.

  “No, not that.”

  I stare at her, not understanding what she’s asking.

  “Why did you come to Phantom Lagoon?”

  “I was born with half of my soul.” Even now, after all I’ve been through, the words don’t seem right, like it’s not possible for someone to be with only half their soul.

  “Yes, that means you didn’t have a choice to come here, Emma. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Don’t waste your time worrying about me, please. I came here under my free will. Whatever happens is my fault. If I’m meant to spend eternity on Earth, then so be it, but I don’t think all of us here are meant for that.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Emma, I don’t think you’re meant to be in Phantom Lagoon—at least not for eternity. And I think your soul was trying to find a way out, when you went into that void. This place isn’t your destiny.”

  “I don’t get it. How can you know this?”

  “I don’t. I just have a feeling. Whatever happens, I’m sure it will be the right thing for you.”

  I look at her, confused.

  “Never mind. Let’s go play with Kenzie and Sherri.”

  She gets up, wearing a mask over the feeling she had just revealed seconds ago, and I follow her. Before I have the chance to join the three of them in hide-and-seek, Luna grabs my arm, taking me to the side.

  “Your mother needs you now,” she says all too fast for me to understand. I want to ask more; but before I can, she walks away, disappearing into the trees of Phantom Lagoon, her gown just a hallucination of the past.

  H

  When I arrive in the parking lot of the nursing home, everything seems fine. I enter, hoping to find my mom—nobody recognizes me now, so I can walk around in broad daylight.

  Going down the long hallway, I find my mom’s room, trying not to panic. As I come closer, I hear voices of doctors through the thin walls of the building. They are talking about my mom.

  My hand unconsciously goes to my stone. Its new glow warms me, telling me to calm down—just be with my mom until her last breath; everything will be okay in the end. The stone seems to have its own energy. I look at it, thinking it might actually be glowing, but it’s the same shade of lavender it had been when Luna gave it back to me.

  The energy that pulsates from the stone to my hand brings me home, reminding me of my mom’s hugs. She had always been there to comfort me. I want to get closer, to be able to see her, but I don’t want anyone to see me or ask questions. Out in the hall, I shy away from others and keep a distance from my mom. The linoleum lines the floor, and the entire building smells of old and overdue adult diapers. For a second I wonder how the nurses put up with the smell, then one walks out of my mom’s room and into a freshly cleaned bathroom. It occurs to me what to do.

  Pushing open the door, I see four stalls, all of which are empty, and the nurse is washing her hands. I wait until her attention is back on the sink, before I come in next to her and begin to haunt. I let myself be absorbed by her thoughts, taking her skin and becoming part of her for the time being. As I step into her body, I long to be able to feel the presence of my mom, not just see her.

  Flashes of my mom sick in bed bombard my mind. The nurse sees everything my mom has been through; therefore, in turn, so do I. Her hair a mess, her clothes in need of being washed. Most of all the face that my mom possesses: a bored, withdrawn visage that displays joyful emotions when the time is right. Behind all the memories and recollections, there is something else too. One I can’t miss; something that is
obvious to an Essence but overlooked by every human.

  To be able to feel again… I remember all the different textures from when I was still alive. Soft clothing, cold steel, the warm touch of another human. Everything I have lived so long without comes back to me in one quick rush.

  I make the nurse run her hand across the scrubs she is wearing—they feel so soft. I command her to go to the sink—the false granite counter is hard and cold. She puts her hands together and the warmth coming from them is almost unfair. How they take for granted such things.…

  The window in the bathroom reveals it is raining outside. I urge her to open it and stick out her hand. The first thing I notice is the cold breeze—sharp, biting, and awakening—then comes the rain. Those drops of water that feel like crawling bugs for an Essence feels like nothing more than a slight rhythmic pattern to a human.

  “Go check on the patient again,” I tell her. The nurse walks forward, out of the bathroom, across the hall, and into my mom’s room.

  When the nurse comes through the door frame, I’m finally able to see my mom’s face for the first time in months. She is so fragile looking. Her head rests against a pillow, not able to keep her head up on her own. All her skin is covered with age and wrinkles. Even her eyes are closed in an expression I can’t decipher. She isn’t relaxed—in fact she emulates the state of anger or irritation than anything else—but then she coughs, and all emotion is wiped clean from her face.

  The room has two beds. My mom occupies one, and the other is left empty. The empty bed has photos and birthday cards on the side table from various family members who have visited. When I look to my mom’s side of the room, there isn’t anything decorating her walls or table. The only thing is a calendar that gives the schedule for the patients at the nursing home. A doctor stands at the foot of my mom’s bed, looking at her charts on a clipboard. He flips through the pages and looks up to my mom.

  The nurse I occupy steps into the room, and the doctor looks in our direction. “Can you check her vital signs again?” As the nurse comes forward, I veer toward the doctor, careful as the woman’s hand brushes against his arm.

  I focus my mind on the point of contact and the heat that rushes through the doctor’s pulsing skin. I picture myself flying through the veins of this woman’s body, jumping toward the doctor. Charts and vital signs float in my mind, code words that are used as a doctor’s own personal language attack me and countless images of patients—dead or alive—settle in my mind. I’m inside the doctor, and his world overwhelms me, until his current thoughts are the only thing I make out.

  Vital signs still aren’t looking good. Just keeps getting worse. Hope she can make it through the night again.…

  No, she can’t die. Not now…

  Guess we’ll just have to pray she can make it.

  The doctor and nurse start to walk out of the room, and I panic. What are they doing? Leaving her to die? She doesn’t have any family to stay with her, only me.

  “Stop!” I command in a fevered voice, before the doctor can walk out the door.

  “Why isn’t she at the hospital?” I ask the doctor in a firm voice that turns quiet with fear.

  Refuses to go, can’t force her. If she wants to die, we can’t stop her.…

  My mom wants to die. And there’s nothing stopping her. What is left for her? Her memory is gone; she doesn’t know her family. Of course she wouldn’t want to stay here. At the hospital she’d be surrounded by machines, poking at her, keeping her alive, but for what? To wake up alone again?

  My decision is made. The only solution is to stay with my mom until the end.

  I have the doctor go to my mom and take her temperature. She is burning up, but that doesn’t matter. I ignore the pain that courses through me as I leave the doctor and follow down his hand to my mom where she lies. I enter her body, withered and fragile. Everything feels so different. The world is hot, closing in on me. The lungs I use now—my mom’s—can only take in enough oxygen to keep alive, but not enough to be comfortable. My throat—her throat—is dry like sandpaper. Sweat covers the skin I occupy, but it doesn’t do anything to relieve the heat.

  I didn’t know how painful it would be to haunt a dying body.

  Chapter 35

  Death

  Soon I will see them.… I get to join them.…

  My mom keeps mumbling this to herself repeatedly. Her thoughts are not expected. She is happy; excited almost. Like my dad, she acts as if she looks forward to death. Maybe when you go through so much, it’s not wrong to see death as a good thing.

  Hearing my mom’s thoughts makes me realize the truth. She has forgotten everything. She’ll see my dad after she dies but not me. She forgot the vital point that keeps me away from her: I’m an Essence. When she dies, she’ll go wherever it is a soul has as an afterlife—she’ll join my dad—I’ll be here.

  Even though I want to tell her that she won’t see me, I keep silent in the back of her mind, and the thoughts continue in her blissful world. I hear her heartbeat fall to a slower pace, and the pain around us eases—either it is disappearing, or I’m growing used to it—until it is just a background to my mom’s thoughts.

  Soon…very soon…

  _________________

  I stay with her for hours. I listen to her thoughts and realize just how long she has truly been gone. The day she learned of my dad’s sickness is when she left me. After my dad died, she thought I was a dream, a ghost. On the days I wandered around the house, waiting for her to make contact with me, she was sure she was seeing the ghost of her deceased daughter. There was never anything wrong with her. In reality, it was my fault for pushing her to believe in me.

  Hours pass, and I refuse to leave her. Through the window I see the sun put on a show, lighting the sky to different colors. First orange, pink, yellow, and then purple, until finally blue. I begin to feel something, not the ache of being away from Phantom Lagoon but something else. A heart beating, not mine but my mom’s. In time we have become one. I’m no longer haunting her; instead we share the same body, the same pain. Outside the sun is setting, leaving only a sky that turns black with the coming night.

  I choose to bear her pain, leaving my mom able to die in peace. An agony passes throughout my entire body, as my mom slips into a dreamless sleep. It hurts to move and breathe. There is a protest when I try to rotate my hand to see if there is an injury—which there isn’t, only the brittle hand of my mom. All at once, what had been only a background of pain grows acute. I can feel the full force of my mom’s affliction and wonder how she has been able to keep quiet for so long; why her thoughts don’t center on the torment. It becomes so agonizing and I want to scream. Then, out of nowhere, it ceases. It just stops. As one, we become light-headed and numb.

  We are dying, not just my mom, but the both of us. I can feel it—we are slipping away.

  So this is what it feels like to really die. It’s something I have never experienced in my life—something I never thought I would. Even though I have never felt much pain while living, I knew bearing my mom’s pain would not last—only as long as she was alive. Now it has completely disappeared—the feeling after the pain being gone is overwhelming. Initially it feels as if you have the entire world on your shoulders, then somebody who cares for you lifts it. In doing that, the person is not only saving you from the pain and suffering but also welcoming you into a world so perfect you can’t imagine it being real.

  Only now did I know who is saving me. I only wish I had believed from the beginning. God has a plan for all of us. For some reason I wasn’t ready to die before. I was meant to stay at Phantom Lagoon and now, through my mom, I can go to Heaven. I know that, throughout this afterlife, I have learned more than I ever could living.

  Life is not something to tamper with. Every moment is meant to be savored, because one day it will be over. Only now I know how fast forever can leave your grasp. But I can let it slip through my fingers, without hesitation—I know where I am meant to go. />
  For some, forever is a gift, others a curse. I always thought it was a curse, something that fell upon only the unfortunate. I thought I was one of them. Forever will end someday for every soul. That day will not be known as a time of darkness but of relief; for there are others who suffer with each breath.

  When I gain my bearings, I notice we are no longer in my mom’s room. It’s like we are up in the sky, slowly ascending into the great beyond. I feel no need to go faster to where my journey will end, because that’s where it begins. I’m not scared as I float away from reality and into a dreamland. I know wherever I’m going is meant to be cherished—I’ve learned that now.

  Emma? my mom asks, suddenly aware of my presence. She doesn’t sound surprised—it’s like she expected me to be there with her.

  “Yes?” I answer. My voice is hesitant after such a long time without contact. Energy radiates off my mom’s essence, and it’s lifting and extraordinary.

  Emma, we’re going to Heaven!

  Just like that, my mom is back. After decades of abandon, I’ve found her. I promised her something once: that I would never forget her, and I didn’t.

  “I know!” And I can’t help but laugh more. As I do, I slip out of my mom’s body and into the open air.

  My mom catches my hand before I can fall.

  We are both there, side by side in our blissful state, waiting for the last moments of our life to end on Earth. We hold our hands together, as the air around us begins to glow; then it seems like we are floating in the sky.

  Everything is light and free. There are no bounds, no ropes to tie me back. Just this: the open air passing over my skin, the moist droplets of the clouds clinging to me. It’s a moment of smiles. The type of moment where you feel like you should hide your happiness but come to terms with it and realize you deserve this moment. Smile.

  When I look down, the string about my neck breaks and my stone descends back to Phantom Lagoon. On its fall, it turns back to its original silver mirrored state—no longer part of me or my soul. Finally it drops into the lagoon where it belongs.