Lesson Before Dying

by Ernest J. Gaines

  i jus cant sleep no mo cause evertime i shet my eyes i see that door an fore i git ther i wake up an i dont go back to sleep cause i dont want walk to that door no mo cause i dont know what back o ther if its wher they gon put that cher or if it spose to mean def or the grave or heven i dont know i wonder if boo went to heven cause i know he didn git religin firs

  mr wigin you say you like what i got here but you say you stil cant giv me a a jus a b cause you say i aint gone deep in me yet an you kno i can if i try hard an when i ax you what you mean deep in me you say jus say whats on my mind so one day you can be save an you can save the chiren and i say i don’t kno what you mean an you say i do kno what you mean an you look so tied sometime mr wigin i just feel like tellin you i like you but i dont kno how to say this cause i aint never say it to nobody before an nobody aint never say it to me

  i kno i care for nanan but i dont kno if love is care cause cuttin wood and haulin water and things like that i dont know if thats love or jus work to do an you say thats love but you say you kno i got mo an jus that to say an when i lay ther at nite and cant sleep i try an think what you mean i got mo cause i aint done this much thinkin and this much writin in all my life befor

  its munday an i aint got but just a few days lef an i hope i see my nanan jus one mo time cause mis lou and reven ambros say she aint fairin too good an coudn make it wit them this time but the lord kno mr wigin i hope i can see her one mo time on this earth fore i go is that love mr wigin when you want see sombody bad bad mr wigin thank you for sayin im doin b + work an you know the a aint too far

  the shef an mr picho and mr mogan come in the cell today an mr picho ax me how im doin an i tell him im doin all rite an he say yes he can see im all rite an he ax me if he can do somthin for me an i tell him nosir im all rite and he ax if i want a brand new pencil wit a penny erase on it an i tol him i wud take the pencil but i dont need the erase cause you tol me to jus put down anything come in my hed an if it aint rite jus scratch over it an go on an he say yes he can see that an he ax me if i want him to shopen my pencil an i say yesir an he shopen the pencil on a teeny perl hanle nife an i look at the nife an i seen mr picho look up at shef guiry an mr mogan an the shef look back at him but mr mogan never stop lookin at me like he was tryin to figer me an mr picho ax me if i want the litle nife an i tell him yesir i didn mind an he unhook the litle gole chan from his belt lope an han me the nife an the chan an he say it was all mine an i say just for a few days an you can hav it back an i helt the litle nife in my han an the chan in my other han an jus look at it an i yer mr picho say well an i yer mr mogan say it aint fridy yet an mr picho say you want double that bet you want add that troter an mr mogan say it still aint fridy yet

  ole clark been comin roun too tryin to act like a youman but i can see in his face he aint no good an i dont even look at him when he ax me if im doin all rite and can he git me somthin no i jus go on ritin in my tablet an i dont care if he do see it after im dead and gone

  paul trying to be hod when he aint like he dont want get too close to me no mo an all the time he is the only one rond yer kno how to talk like a youman to people i kno you paul an i kno ole clark an i kno you too shef guiry and you mr picho and mr mogan an all the rest of yall i jus never say non of this befor but i know yall ever las one of yall

  lord have merce sweet jesus mr wigin where all them peple come from when you ax me if some chiren can com up here an speak to me i didn kno you was meanin all them chiren in yo clas an jus sitin ther on the flo all quite in they clean close lookin at me an i coud see som was scard o me but mos was brave an spoke an my litle cosin estel even com up an kiss me on the jaw an i coudn hol it back no mo

  then after the chiren here com the ole folks an look like everbody from the quarter was here mis julia an joe an mis haret an ant agnes an mr noman an mis sara an mis lilia an mr harry an mis lena an god kno who all an mr ofal an mis felia wit her beeds an jus prayin an all the peple sayin how good i look an lord hav merce sweet jesus mr wigin how you got bok yer in that suit that suit look like it half bok siz cause i member mis rita got him that suit way back ten leben yers back an bok babbin ther like he kno me an mis rita sayin he want say he glad to see me an he want give me one of hiss aggis an me jus lookin at bok shakin my hed an shakin my hed an i cant stop sayin ole bok ole bok ole bok you want giv me one o you aggis but ole bok woudn turn it loose til mis rita had to tell him let go bok few times an still bok woudn turn loose till mis rita pri it out his han and han it to me an bok start babbin ther til mis rita had to reach out her han fo me to giv it back to her an she giv it back to bok an bok put it back in his pocket an start rattlin it wit all the others in ther an mis rita say she was sho he want to giv me somthin thats why he want to com an i tol her it was all rite i didn’t need nothin but she say bok woudn res tonite if he didn giv me somethin an she tol him to giv me a diffen one if he didn want give me the aggi an ole bok lookin way over yonder kep rattlin the marbles in his pocket an jus kep on lookin way over yonder rattlin the marbles til he fond the litles one he had in his pocket an han me that

  this was the firs time i cry when they lok that door bahind me the very firs time an i jus set on my bunk cryin but not let them see or yer me cause i didn want them think rong but i was cryin cause of bok an the marble he giv me and cause o the peple com to see me cause they hadn never done nothin lik that for me befor

  i dont want sleep at nite no mo jus catnap in the day while they got lite and they got noise cause i dont want drem bout that door ever time i shet my eyes

  when they brot me in the room an i seen nanan at the table i seen how ole she look an how tied she look an i tol her i love her an i tol her i was strong an she jus look ole and tied an pull me to her an kiss me an it was the firs time she never done that an it felt good an i let her hol me long is she want cause you say it was good for her an i tol her i was strong an she didn need to come back no mo cause i was strong an she just set ther wit her eyes mos shet like she want to go to sleep lookin at me all the time til reven and mis lou have to hep her up an take her back home

  mr wigin when i see you girlfren an yall together i see how pretty she is an im sorry how i talk that day when i was mad at you an say them nasty thing bout her cause she so pretty an smil so pretty when she look at peple an you can see she aint putin on airs an its jus kwaly in her an she talk so nice to peple an all the time i want look at her but scare to cause she so pretty an im so ugly an she got on a pretty dress with pretty flowers an my close dont smell good and i aint took a baf sens sady but i still want look at her an she say she think im lookin good an strong an when she put her han on my sholder i start tremblin an she lean close an kiss me and i feel hot an i coud smell her poder cent an i feel good an scare an hot cause thats the firs lady that pretty ever tech me an nobody that pretty never kiss me an when yall left i come to the door an i look at her long long is i coud and coud smell her poder cent and still feel her mof on my face

  im sory i cry mr wigin im sory i cry when you say you aint comin back tomoro im strong an reven ambros gon be yer wit me an mr harry comin to an reson i cry cause you been so good to me mr wigin an nobody aint never been that good to me an make me think im sombody

  shef guiry ax me what i want for my super an i tol him i want nanan to cook me som okra an rice an som pok chop an a conbred an som claba an he say he gon see what he can do an say what i want for desert an i tol him jus a little ice crme in a cup an a moon pie

  they took me an let me stan under the shoer wit a new bar a sope an they giv me a big wite clen tower an brot me back an i put on some clen close an set down cause my food was yer an i et it ever bit an it was the bes meal i kno my nanan ever cook

  sun goin down an i kno this the las one im gon ever see but im gon see one mo sunrise cause i aint gon sleep tonite

  im gon sleep a long time after tomoro

  shef guiry come by after i et an ax me how im doin an i say im doin all right an he ax me he say i aint never pik up yo tablet an look in it an he ax me
what all i been ritin an i tol him jus things an he say aint he done tret me rite an i tol him yesir an he say aint his deptis done tret me fair an i tol him yesir an he say aint he done let peple vist me anytime an i say yesir an he say didn he let the chiren an all the peple from the quarter com an visit me jus two days ago an i say yesir an he say is you gon put that in yo tablet an i say yesir an he say good put that down in yo tablet i tret you good all the time you been yer an he say he had to go hom cause he hadn et his super yet but for me to call a depty if i need somthin an he ax me if i want the lite to stay on all nite in case i want rite som mo an i tol him yesir an he say all rite i coud have all the lite i want

  my lite on but they aint no mo lite on in the place an the place is quite quite but nobody sleepin

  they got a moon out ther an i can see the leves on the tree but i aint gon see no mo leves after tomoro

  i dont know if they got a heven cause samson say they cant be an boo say they aint non fo no niger but reven ambros say they is one for all men an bok dont kno

  i been shakin an shakin but im gon stay strong

  i aint had no bisnes goin ther wit brother an bear cause they aint no good an im gon be meetin them soon

  its quite quite an i can yer my teefs hitin an i can yer my hart

  when i was a litle boy i was a waterboy an rode the cart but now i got to be a man an set in a cher

  dont kno if you can red this mr wigin my han shakin and i can yer my hart

  i can yer randy but i aint listnin no mo cause he for the livin an not for me

  its late an i dont know what time it is but i kno its late an i jus went to the tolet an i jus wash my face

  day breakin

  sun comin up

  the bird in the tre soun like a blu bird

  sky blu blu mr wigin

  good by mr wigin tell them im strong tell them im a man good by mr wigin im gon ax paul if he can bring you this

  sincely jefferson

  30

  SIDNEY deROGERS was on his way to George Jarreau’s house to mow the lawn when the truck went by him. He didn’t pay any close attention to the black truck with the gray tarpaulin cover, but he would tell the people later at the Rainbow Club that he did feel a cold chill when the truck went by. The truck turned left on the main street two blocks up ahead of Sidney, but he thought it was just another truck delivering something at one of the department stores. Around eleven o’clock, George Jarreau’s wife, Lucy, came out into the yard where Sidney was raking up the grass and leaves and told him that she wanted him to go uptown to Edwin’s department store and get her a large spool of white thread. Sidney drove the six blocks in Lucy’s car, and as he was approaching the store he saw a crowd of people standing on the sidewalk, facing the courthouse. Parked beside the courthouse was the same truck that Sidney had seen at eight o’clock that morning. The tarpaulin had been rolled back, and two men sat at the tail end of the truck, talking and smoking cigarettes. Sidney parked a little distance beyond the department store and walked back. He saw many people he knew, both white and colored, but no one paid him any attention; they were too concerned with the truck parked beside the courthouse. When Sidney came into the store, he found all the clerks up at the front, trying to see what was going on in the truck. He stood back waiting, but no one paid him any attention. Finally, he told one of the women that Miss Lucy had sent him up there for a spool of coarse white thread. Without looking around, the woman told him to go and find it himself. When he came back to pay her, she told him to have Lucy send the money some other time.

  My aunt did not sleep at the house the night before. Like many of the other older people in the quarter, she spent the night with Miss Emma. Some of the others took shifts, but my aunt stayed there the whole night. Reverend Ambrose was there until midnight, then he went home to get some sleep because the sheriff had told him he wanted all witnesses at the courthouse no later, absolutely no later, than eleven-thirty the next morning.

  Vivian and I sat in a corner of the Rainbow Club that night. There were more than a dozen people in the place, but it was quieter than I had ever seen it. Vivian held on to her one drink all the time she was there, and when she left, she still had not finished it. She had gone to church after her class that afternoon, and she told me she would go again the next morning. She told me that from noon until she “heard,” she would have her students on their knees beside their desks. She left the Rainbow Club at nine. After walking her to the car and kissing her good night, I went back inside and stood at the bar. Claiborne wiped glasses and did not talk to anybody. He served you when you raised your glass for another drink or your bottle for another beer, then he went back to wiping glasses. Thelma had closed up the café just after nine and gone home. Claiborne said he was going to close up at eleven tonight. I told him I wanted a half pint to take with me. Claiborne wrapped it in a brown paper bag and I paid him, but we didn’t look directly at each other. At ten-thirty I left, but I still didn’t want to go home, and I drove to a bar in Port Allen. I ran into a guy there who knew me and wanted to talk about it, but I didn’t want to talk about it, and after I had a drink I started back for the quarter. I got back there about midnight. The place was pitch black, except for the light on Miss Emma’s porch. A couple of cars I didn’t recognize were parked in front of the house. I supposed they were family or friends who had come to be with her tonight. I didn’t stop. There was nothing more to say. I went on home. I took the bottle out of the paper bag and drank about half of it. I had bought the liquor to make me sleep, but God knows now I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to dream—not tonight.

  The minister did not sleep at all that night, and at daybreak he got up and knelt beside his bed to say his prayers, then he went to the kitchen to warm water for his bath. His wife, Mrs. Becky, came into the kitchen to fix him a bowl of cush-cush for his breakfast. When the minister finished his bath, he sat down at the table to eat. He had a cup of coffee before he ate his food. He ate very slowly as he sat at the table thinking about what he had to do today. After he finished his breakfast, he went into the bedroom to get his Bible, then he came back into the kitchen and sat down at the table again. He had chosen the Twenty-third Psalm to read at the jail; he made that choice soon after the sheriff had given him permission to be one of the witnesses. Now he was reading his Bible and praying that God would give him the strength that he knew he needed. He had never witnessed anything like this before, and he knew he needed God every moment that he would be there. He knew that Harry Williams was going to be there too, and he told himself he would stand or sit as close to Harry as he could. He also reminded himself that he would meet LaCox soon after it was over. LaCox was the colored mortician of Bayonne, and he would have the coffin ready.

  At six-thirty, the sheriff sat down at the table in his dining room to eat his breakfast. His breakfast was two homemade biscuit sandwiches. The biscuits had been split open; one contained a pork sausage patty and the other contained figs. Lillian, their colored maid, had preserved figs the past summer. The sheriff also drank a glass of milk and a cup of strong coffee. Usually the sheriff ate his breakfast at eight o’clock and arrived at the jail at nine, but he wanted to get there no later than seven-thirty today because that chair was supposed to arrive by eight. The sheriff’s wife sat across the table from him, drinking coffee; it was too early in the morning for her to eat anything. As the sheriff ate, he talked to his wife, but he avoided looking her directly in the face most of the time. He told her that he wished this day had never gotten here, but now that it had, he had to do what he had to do. This was the first time he was in charge of an execution, and he was praying that everything would go well. He told his wife that he had asked the teacher if he wanted to be there, but the teacher had shaken his head. He understood, he had said to the teacher. The reverend had asked to be there, and he had asked the reverend if one other person from the quarter would like to be there too. The reverend said he would ask, and the next day the reverend came in and to
ld him that Harry Williams had said yes. The sheriff knew Harry Williams and knew he was no troublemaker. The sheriff ate his food and looked beyond his wife as he mentioned the names of other witnesses. He had also hired two more deputies to be there today, just in case he needed them. Two people from Mr. Gropé’s family were going to be there—and he thanked God that the family had let him handle this in a civilized way. He told his wife without looking directly at her that it would take place in the storeroom on the bottom floor in the back of the courthouse. He said everything had been cleared out of the room so there would be space for the chair and the witnesses.

  Melvina Jack was sweeping off the sidewalk at Edwin’s department store when the truck went by her. She had finished and was knocking the dust out of the broom when she saw the truck turn down the alley beside the courthouse. Juanita deJean, one of the white clerks in the store, came outside and asked Melvina if she had any idea what was inside that truck. Melvina did not, and Juanita told her that she would know before this day was over. An automobile drove up and parked in front of the courthouse in a space marked official. The sheriff’s car was already parked in his personal parking space. Two men got out of the official car and went inside the courthouse. The older, heavier man wore a cowboy hat, and both men wore suits. Melvina and Juanita continued to watch the truck parked beside the courthouse. Then suddenly Melvina’s heart started pumping extra fast, and Juanita heard her say, “No, no.” “Yes, yes,” she heard Juanita say. While they stood there watching the truck, Sheriff Guidry came out of the courthouse with the two men, and the three of them went around the side to the truck. Sheriff Guidry said something to the driver, and the truck moved toward the rear of the courthouse, up against a window. Two men got out of the cab of the truck and climbed up onto the bed and began rolling back the tarpaulin cover. Then Melvina saw it, a high-backed wooden chair with leather straps, and it took all her strength, she said later, to remain on her feet. The two men, one on either side, moved the chair to the tailgate of the truck, and two other men, who had come out the back door of the courthouse, stood on the ground with their arms extended as the chair was eased down to them. When the men on the ground had the chair secured in their hands, the two men in the truck jumped down to the ground, and the four of them took the chair through the door into the courthouse. There was something else in the truck—a machine-looking thing, Melvina said. Juanita told her that nothing would happen until twelve o’clock, and that she could go home at eleven-thirty if she wanted to. Melvina thanked her, but still she could not take her eyes off the truck. She heard Juanita saying that she wished something like this could be done somewhere else. What about those poor children up at the school? She just hoped they would not hear that thing. Melvina knew she was speaking of the white children at the white school, but she had no idea what it was that could be heard as far away as the school was from the courthouse.