Stranger and Stranger

by Rob Reger

  Am grateful for the training of Venus Fang Fang!!!!!!

  On to the next stage. Will report back later.

  Later

  Stage Two complete. Have erased all sixty-seven copies of the Manifesto of Strange and put them back exactly as I found them.

  Later

  Stage Three complete. Have completely ruined November December’s reputation with hundreds of teens by simply being myself. It took all the guts I had to show them my most pathetic side, but it was EXCELLENT! Clutched FakeCat to my heart, hung out with my finger up my nose, borrowed someone’s skateboard and bailed out spectacularly on it, and succumbed to crying spell when I was mocked. Fishballs has won the Best New Trick competition, and all the zombified teens have adopted HIS signature look.

  I finally left when half the kids there shouted at me to go. And let me tell you, it felt GREAT.

  Fishballs and some of his new followers.

  Later

  Stage Four: Must make sure Mom is on board with my plan. Have reviewed stills from cat-cam for potentially incriminating shots. I think these ones should do it:

  Later

  Interesting developments! Have showed the stills to Mom. She did not need to be convinced that it was EvilOne and not me doing the deeds.

  ME: See, you can tell it’s her if you look at the shadow falling on her leg here, because I actually have a small chafe mark there from the cast, and…

  MOM: Cool your jets, E, I can tell it’s her.

  ME: You can? How?

  M: Oh, I’ve always been able to tell you apart.

  ME: [Floored.] But how?

  M: There’s really no mistaking it. Facial expressions, body language, your voices, the way you smell…

  ME: So…but…OK. Hey, so would you agree that she’s pure evil, or what?

  M: Well….….….……I….….….…………sure. Yes. Sort of.

  ME: [Punching air with fist. Hootin’ and hollerin’.]

  M: So what’s your plan?

  ME: Well, I have to let her out of the cage pretty soon. She’s got to go to the skate rally so she can get pointed and laughed at.

  M: Come on. That’s just petty revenge, there. What we need here is a real solution.

  ME: Oh. Yeah. I don’t know, kill her?

  M: [Not finding this funny.] Okay, I really hope you’re kidding, E. First off—I thought I raised you better than that. Remember? We don’t kill in this house? Also, I thought your Jeopardy game established that neither of you is really complete without the other. Wasn’t that your whole point?

  ME: [Blinking like a dum-dum. Proverbial lightbulb turning on in head.] Of course. My whole point. All along. Thank you. For the reminder….…………. I have to go now.

  Good old Mom!!!!!!

  Later

  Current thoughts:

  EvilOne and I are each just HALF of Emily Strange.

  This helps to explain why neither one of us is all that awesome of a person.

  EvilOne’s evil HAS to be stopped, and I think the best (only?) way to do that is for our 2 halves to be rejoined.

  I think that if I can somehow unite our bodies, our personalities will re-merge.

  The best way I can think to do this is through drastic surgery.

  Am resigning myself to life as a set of surgically conjoined twins.

  As long as it means the end of crying spells and uncontrolled nose-picking. (Oh, and unmitigated evil, of course.)

  Am looking forward to being able to lie again. All this truth-telling is really cramping my style.

  Not sure what will become of my skateboarding skills when I have 4 legs. Am hoping for the best.

  If all else fails, can look forward to some rewarding work in sideshows.

  Fingers crossed that my cats will like me again once my 2 halves are united.

  Fingers AND toes crossed that I can get EvilOne to sit still for drastic surgery.

  Am thankful for the training of Venus Fang Fang and Queenie Kew!

  Later

  Stage Five complete!

  I went and bought EvilOne a nice (VERY nice) new skateboard and took it down to her in the basement. We had the following pleasant sisterly chat:

  ME: Hey, Ev—OtherMe. Sorry about the cage, man. No hard feelings?

  EVILONE: I’m gonna RIP you, and TEAR you, and—

  ME: And sorry about breaking our old skateboard.

  EO: LET ME OUUUUUT!

  ME: C’mon, you’re not gonna be mad about a little CAGING, are ya? After you made me think Mystery was dead? You gotta admit, you got me way better this time around. I mean, you saw all that sobbing, right? Don’t ya know, I pretty much wanted to DIE if Mystery was gone.

  EO: [Calming down. Smiling a sinister little smile to herself.] I did get you pretty good, huh.

  ME: [Encouragingly.] Yeah. You did. And I know the big skate rally is this evening, and you were probably planning to go, so I got you a new skate. Deluxe model. It’s pretty king. Already put some stickers on it so no one’ll know it’s new.

  EO: OK then, fair’s fair, but you gotta let me out RIGHT NOW or I’m gonna miss the Best New Trick competition.

  So I unlocked the cage and let her out.

  She walked toward me with a smile on her face. A smile that, a few days ago, I might have mistaken for remorse and reconciliation. Thank you, Venus Fang Fang! I saw the violence and malevolence and, OK, a little craziness in that smile, and braced myself for what was to come.

  She approached me, grinning, reaching out for the skateboard. But I saw the tiny shift in her weight as she began the vicious sweeping kick that should’ve knocked my legs out from under me. But as her foot lashed out, I stepped back out of range, raising the skateboard over my head.

  “This one’s for Mystery,” I whispered to EvilMe, and administered her anesthesia. Am very glad now that I saved my pain medication instead of flushing it down the toilet. Swallowing one of those little gems really helped me get over the sting of guilt at knocking EvilMe unconscious with her new skateboard. “Sorry about the violence, Venus Fang Fang,” I said, and got ready to operate.

  Later

  Was interrupted by urgent call from Venus Fang Fang before I was even five minutes into the operation. Things have taken a bad turn! Um, I mean, a GENUINELY BAD turn! Lots has occurred with very little time for journal writing. Am finally able to jot down what has happened. Here goes:

  Binary Larry has taken his revenge for November December’s public cruelty!

  And has told the police that I was responsible for the Manifesto!

  But he was laughed at, because EvilOne had already contacted the police and told them that OUR MOTHER was responsible for the Manifesto!

  Venus Fang Fang got wind of this through her ratfink son and locked him in his room as punishment!

  She also wasted no time alerting me that the police were coming for my mother!

  I have hidden Mom in the secret sewer, armed with Raven and several gallons of white paint, just in case they need to cover up my highly incriminating sewer mural!

  But pesky crying spells are preventing me from handling the situation in a calm, professional manner!

  Now I’ll have to postpone the operation until I have put the police off Mom’s trail!

  And restored the townspeople’s sanity!

  And then I’ll have to deal with an enraged EvilOne, who will never allow me near her again without extreme resistance!

  And somehow subdue her enough to surgically join our bodies!

  And somehow make the cats like me again!

  And concoct suitable comeuppance for Binary Larry!

  July 3

  Oddisee hours logged, 6; antidotes created, 1; self-confidence units restored, 2,366

  I dropped some food down the chute to EvilOne. She doesn’t deserve any kindness from me, but twinges of guilt were keeping me from focusing on my Manifesto problem. Clearly I am far too nice.

  Then I hunkered down at the Oddisee for a serious code-fest. Now I ache all
over from programming for so long, but I have (finally!!!!) succeeded in writing a Manifesto of Normal, which can be played just like a regular music CD and uses various harmonics and frequencies to strengthen all of a person’s Positive Qualities (honesty, patience, kindness, sensitivity, cheerfulness in the face of adversity, what-have-you) while taking the sap out of all their Negative Qualities (lying, thievery, idle mischief, petty cruelty and violence, and so on). It should do a stellar job of neutralizing the effects of the Manifesto of Strange and transform all the raving lunatics into well-balanced, tolerant, peaceful folk who are unlikely to give me any further trouble.

  I think it’s a very good thing I did this before trying to surgically join myself to EvilOne, or it never would have turned out so benevolent. I really had to restrain my own idle mischief, and even so I could not help inserting a few amusing (and harmless!!!) hidden effects, such as a fondness for black licorice, impressive yo-yo skills, the compulsion to count to 13 before opening a door, the inclination to say “Flathering jimjars!” every now and again…you know, fun stuff.

  Later

  Am sitting in the reception area of the Silifordville psych ward, waiting for the supervising physician to see me so that I can deliver the Manifesto of Normal. And babbling catquacks, this place is overflowing with loonies! The receptionist looks like she has not slept in days and is constantly paging orderlies to come and restrain patients and take them away to their rooms. Every time they round up a few and cart them away, seven more wander back in here. Total chaos.

  Am feeling very guilty about the mess my Manifesto of Strange caused!!!

  Will try to regain a karma point or two by dedicating the next few minutes to thinking up something really nice I can do for the townspeople once they are restored to sanity.

  Three minutes later

  I have it! Am going to stage a one-golem circus, starring Raven! Am loving this idea. Am going to call Mom right away and let her know!!!

  (Note to self: Golem Circus = FANTASTIC name for a band.)

  Later

  UNHOLY BEJEEPING FLAPJARKS!

  They have thrown me in a room with a bunch of loonies and locked the door!

  Here’s how it went down:

  When Dr. Greenblatt came into the waiting room, I was on the phone with Mom, having the following conversation:

  ME: Yeah, I’m gonna stage a golem circus in the park and invite the whole town.

  MOM: You’re cutting out! Reception down here in the sewer is terrible.

  ME: GOLEM CIRCUS! GOLEM CIRCUS!!!!!

  RANDOM LOONY: Violet does scuttle shaky lovely very!

  M: You think that’s what the townspeople want?

  ME: Yeah, Raven can, like, rip off her own arms and legs, and I can reattach them!

  DR. GREENBLATT: Yes, miss? You insisted on seeing me?

  ME: Catch ya later, Patti. [To Dr. Greenblatt.] Here, I made you a Manifesto of Normal. Just play it on your PA system and it should put everyone back to…well, normal.

  RL: I’ve been washing them ever since, but alas, I cannot get them clean!

  DR. G: A what, now?

  ME: Actually, “Manifesto of Normal” is kinda misleading, because I think you would agree, Doctor, that “normal” humanity is pretty terrible, right? So it might be more accurate to call it an auditory amplifier of all those human qualities that make up “goodness”: honesty, patience, kindness, sensitivity, cheerfulness in the face of adversity, what-have-you.

  DR. G: Come again?

  ME: It’s a Happy Ray. Just play on it your PA system, and it’s gonna fix everyone up.

  DR. G: Oh, how nice. You made a mix CD? And it’s going to HEAL EVERYONE???!???!!

  ME: [Starting to realize how loony I sound.] Yeah, I…uh…yeah.

  DR. G: [Eyes narrowing.] Orderlies!! Restrain this girl and take her away.

  ME: Hey! Wait! NOOOOO! Let go of me!!! I’m not crazy!!!! [Trying to hand Dr. G the CD.] Just play the CD! Just play it!

  RL: It just doesn’t work out! Just leave me alone! JUST A PEPSI!!!!!

  And they hauled me away, kicking and screaming, and threw me into a room crowded with drooling maniacs!! Am hiding under a bed to avoid getting any human filth on me!!!! Have GOT to break myself out of this place!!!!! But not just yet. I mean, it’s a bit of a dream come true for me, being hauled away kicking and screaming, and thrown into a room full of drooling maniacs. Am going to enjoy it for a few minutes more.

  Five minutes later

  Gigi Doubleton, President of the Silifordville Science Club, has just crawled under the bed with me, singing “Have You Never Been Mellow” at top volume. Am done enjoying the loony bin.

  Later

  Man, if only Venus Fang Fang could have seen the obstacle course of loonies, orderlies, and flying human filth that I just conquered, I’d totally earn a shiny black star!!!!! See diagram for details

  Crowning jewel of my escape was jimmying the grate off the air duct with a tool crafted in mere seconds from the zipper pull of Gigi’s loony-bin jumpsuit and worming my way into the heating system. Am now hanging out in said air duct just above the receptionist’s desk. As soon as she steps away, I will pop out and play my Manifesto over the PA, then bust myself out of here. It’s been entertaining, but I can only take captivity for so long!

  Later

  Sat in the air duct for ten full minutes being a total coward. Could not work up the nerve to jump out and start up the Manifesto because of crippling paranoia that I would then find myself unable to open a door without counting to 13. Would be caught by the orderlies, trapped inside the loony bin, and hideously, irreversibly Normalized. TERRIFYING!

  Deliciously terrifying!

  Anyway. That did not occur. The front door was open and no one saw me fleeing for my life. Am now back at home, preparing to restart the operation on EvilOne and me, and trying to get a hold of Mom to tell her it is safe to come home.

  Later

  Finally got through to Mom. Terrible reception in that sewer. She refuses to come home until I have proof that the Manifesto of Normal worked. Not much I can do about it right now, so I might as well move ahead with Stage Six of Operation…uh…Conjoininination!

  OK, here goes—back to the surgical birdcage…

  (Side note: It’s comforting to know that, at the end of the world, when all other conceivable combinations of letters, numbers, and hieroglyphics have been used as band names, I’ll still have Surgical Birdcage in my back pocket.)

  Later

  More paranoia. Am sitting outside the basement door, trying to work up the courage to go back in and face EvilOne again. Am recalling my empathy training and trying to get myself into her head. I know that she’s going to be infuriated AND on her guard. Sure, she has limited resources in there, but she’s got all my booby-trapping skills! She could probably cobble something together out of her own fingernails and hair!!!! And she will never let me into the cage without some kind of horrendous assault. Cannot think of any foolproof way to snare her.

  OK…I give up. Am creeping to Venus Fang Fang’s house for help.

  Later

  Am proud to say that as soon as Venus Fang Fang opened the door, I had a flash of intuition, empathy, or whatever, and knew exactly how she would answer me…“McCowen-Llewelyn Maneuver?” I asked, and she nodded. Of course!!!! I slapped my forehead and made like to run home, but she stopped me. Call me psychic…but once again I knew what was coming.

  VENUS FANG FANG: So…your plan for defeating your saster…do you have it all set?

  ME: [Trying to lie. Failing.] Sort of.

  VFF: Does it invalve any kind of stakeout?

  ME: [Exerting superhuman effort to lie for Venus Fang Fang’s sake. Succeeding, kind of.] A…little bit…of a stakeout…

  VFF: [Lighting up all over.] I have samthing for you.

  ME: [Graciously accepting the spy diaper from her.] Fangs. Fangs a lot.

  VFF: Have we talked about your speech impadiment?

  ME: No time for th
at now, I’m needed at the stakeout.

  By the way: I just want to point out how tiresome it is that I’m constantly being asked by the adults in my life what my plan is, as though I’d just graduated from high school and were, like, lounging around in the pool instead of getting a job, or something. I mean, they really need to take a moment to appreciate how feggling hard I am working on resolving this whole evil doppelgänger problem, and quit bugging me!!!!!!!!!

  OK, outburst over. Am feeling better. Let the booby-trapping begin!

  Later

  Am very pleased with myself! Not only was I able to use the McCowen-Llewelyn Maneuver successfully against EvilOne, so that she is now completely immobilized in a tight body-fitting net and suspended over a tank of deadly fish, but the net is made from spiderwebs that we/I collected, preduplication, and the deadly fish are electric eels that we/I raised ourselves. MYself. So not only is this booby trap EFFICIENT, it’s also PERSONAL. Style points!

  OK, am commencing operation now, let’s hope it is a huge success!!!!!!!!

  July 4

  tar units, 23; sutures, 1 million; lame halves of self reunited, 2