To Be Your Wife

by Rae Kennedy

  “I don’t know...I don’t know anything. He’s in surgery.” He’s shaking his head, a desperate look in his eyes. “I don’t know how long it will take. Everyone else will be here in a few hours.”

  “It’s okay. It will be okay.”

  He will be okay. He has to be.

  We sit in the uncomfortable chairs. Eric sniffles and I wipe my face praying it’s the last crying I do tonight.

  After a little while, a hand touches lightly to my back and Haley hands me a tissue.

  “We don’t want to intrude. Do you want us to—”

  “Stay,” I tell her. “Please.”

  She sits next to me, leaving a soothing arm around my back. Tuck takes the seat next to her and we stay like this.

  * * *

  It’s almost three hours before a woman in scrubs comes out to talk to us. Her tag says Dr. Erin Yang. Haley has just gone to the restroom so Tuck comes to stand next to me and Eric as she speaks. He takes my hand and holds it tight, anchoring me when I feel like I could collapse at any moment. I focus on his hand and squeeze it tighter with every word the doctor says. I hear “stent” and “double-bypass” and “stable” and “cautiously optimistic.”

  New tears hit my cheeks as I put together her words and I’m smiling. She says he is in recovery and won’t be ready for visitors for a while longer.

  Less than half an hour later, Charlie and Jack arrive, saying Mom and Grace are right behind.

  “We should go,” Tuck says now that the room is starting to fill with my family.

  “Okay. Thank you for staying with me.”

  “We’re just glad your dad’s okay.”

  I look at Haley. “Shoot. I’m your ride home.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Tuck says. He digs his keys out of his pocket and hands them to Haley. “You drive my truck home. Ali can come pick me up.”

  Haley gives me a big hug before she leaves.

  “Tucker! I’m so happy to see you,” my mom says, smiling up at him. Her eyelashes are still wet, her face red and puffy.

  “Bev.” He leans down, wrapping his big arms around her.

  Movement across the room catches my eye as she enters quietly. She stays by the door, against the wall. She’s still beautiful. Just as curvy as I remember with black hair and impossibly thick lashes. It only takes a minute for Tuck to notice too, and he goes to her. He’s smiling as he places his hand on her belly and kisses her forehead. Her baby bump is barely noticeable, but it’s there.

  There’s a heaviness on my chest like I’m breathing in concrete that’s now hardening in my lungs.

  A nurse walks in briskly and tells us Dad’s awake and though still a little groggy, can receive visitors. She looks around the room at all of us and quickly adds no more than two visitors at a time. We follow her down the hall, all waiting outside the room while Mom and Gracie go in. The curtains are only partially drawn across the window looking into his room and my brothers and I all huddle to see in.

  Dad looks massive lying on the little hospital bed, but it’s not right, all the tubes and wires hooked up to him. It looks like it takes all his strength to turn his head but he finds more to muster up a smile for my mom as she touches his face. She practically flings herself across his body to plant kisses on him, tears streaming down her cheeks again. My brothers collectively relax at the sight and as the adrenaline subsides and exhaustion hits, Jack suggests we all sit and wait our turn.

  They go to a cluster of chairs a little farther down the hall and Tuck approaches me.

  “I’m going to head out.”

  Ali is back about twenty feet behind him and I sense her eyes on me.

  “Okay.” I don’t know what else to say. I can’t say, “See you later” because I don’t know if I will.

  Mom and Gracie walk out of the room behind us.

  “Oh, Tucker, are you leaving?” my mom asks.

  He nods, hands in his pockets.

  “Will you come in for a minute? I know Tom would love to see you.”

  Tuck’s eyebrows rise in surprise and he stutters an, “Okay,” after a moment of consideration. And so they go in.

  * * *

  I stand outside the window and watch as Tuck walks to my dad’s bedside. Dad raises his hand out slowly and Tuck takes it, placing his other hand over it as they shake. Mom smiles as she stands on the other side of Tuck and the two men begin to talk. My dad’s lips move slowly and I wish I could hear what they are saying.

  “Your family loves him,” a smoky female voice says from beside me. Ali stands to my right, looking into the room.

  “Tuck?” I look at Tuck and my parents as they continue to talk. They hadn’t spent that much time together, but yes, they had accepted him into our family. They had proved it when they gave Tuck their blessing to propose to me. “Yeah. Yeah, they do love him,” I tell her.

  “My family hates him.” She says it matter-of-factly, still facing ahead calmly as I turn to gape at her. “They don’t actually know him, of course. Nor do they care to. They hate him because he is not Indian. They hate him because he got me pregnant out of wedlock. And now they hate him because he married me and now I am forever tied to this American who will undoubtedly ruin my life.”

  She turns to me now and I look her in the eyes as she continues even as I’m being internally ripped to pieces.

  “That’s why I broke things off last year. It wasn’t because he’s not great or that I didn’t love him. It was because I didn’t think we’d ever have a future when my family disapproved of him so much.” She looks down at her belly. “Yet here we are, anyway.” Her dark brown eyes lock back to mine and they are beautiful and sad and sincere when she says, “I want you to know, I do love him.”

  I turn away and wipe the tear quickly, hoping she won’t see it.

  She turns forward as well. “I asked him about you—that morning after you left. I know Tuck well enough to know he wouldn’t have hooked up with me if he was involved with someone. So that whole exchange seemed off. He told me you weren’t together.”

  “We were not,” I confirm.

  “But you were, after?”

  “Yes.”

  “And when I told him I was pregnant—that’s when it ended?”

  “Yes.” My voice is barely a whisper and I hold my breath to hold in the cry that lurches in my throat.

  “I—I didn’t know.” She places her hand on her small belly and I notice the ring on her left finger is not the same one I found in Tuck’s drawer. “I didn’t know about you and him. I’m sorry,” she says quietly and she, too, wipes two tears from her eyes as Tuck exits the room.

  “You ready to go?” he asks Ali.

  She nods. He looks over to me and hesitates. Ali gives him a look of understanding and backs a little way down the hall toward the exit. I’m grateful she’s letting us have this moment.

  “What did he say to you?”

  “He said it’s okay. The decision I had to make was hard and that he’s—” Tuck’s face starts to contort and I can tell he’s barely keeping his composure. “He said he’s proud of me.” He looks like he is about to fall apart at that admission and I seize him around the waist. His arms wrap around my neck, his face buried in my shoulder.

  Having him around me, the warmth and firmness of his embrace feels wonderful. Right. I want it to last forever but I know it’s already gone on too long.

  He turns his head so his lips are at my ear. “You know I have to stay away from you, right?”

  I pull back, ending the hug, and look up at him with a nod.

  “Bye, Court.”

  “Bye, Tuck.”

  He goes to Ali, who has been watching our exchange. I can’t read what’s going on behind her dark eyes. They turn and leave side by side.

  * * *

  Soft beeps and hums come from the machines in the room. Nurses and visitors pass outside the door in a blur of pastel colors. Dad was moved out of the ICU this morning and into a bright white recovery room.<
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  He’s resting peacefully while Mom sits next to him, a magazine in one hand and her other wrapped around his hand at his side. He was only awake briefly last night before he needed to sleep, and though being able to talk with her husband calmed my mom down, she didn’t sleep.

  I feel guilty for needing to leave, but it’s the first day of school tomorrow and I can’t miss it. Jack and Charlie left earlier to tend to the ranch and be with their families. Mom, Eric, and Gracie are going to stay in the city until Dad gets discharged. Dr. Yang thinks he should be ready to go home on Wednesday.

  “How are you doing?” I ask her.

  She looks up from her magazine and tilts her head with a warm smile. “I’m good, honey.” She looks over at Dad’s large slumbering form and squeezes his hand. “As long as he’s still with us, I will be okay. We’ve been together since I was nineteen. I can’t imagine having to walk through the rest of my life without him.” She looks at him with unabashed reverence.

  “Nineteen,” I say it more to myself than anything. It’s so young. “How did you know at nineteen he was the right one?”

  “I didn’t. Heck, we didn’t know anything back then except that we were crazy about each other.” She gets a dreamy look on her face as if she’s recalling a magical memory. Then she focuses back on me. “But I do know why it lasted. A successful marriage is built on mutual respect and shared values. It helps if you genuinely like who they are as a person and enjoy their company. And both people have to be unflinchingly committed to making it work—because it takes work. Every day.”

  “What about love? You didn’t mention love.”

  She smiles wider. “Of course, love too. But love changes. Over time, it grows, it deepens. And while the initial kind of love and attraction may fade, the love of friendship and devotion is what lasts.”

  When I was nineteen, if I hadn’t gone away to college, would I have married Wes? Would we have had a life like my parents? Would our love have continued to blossom and strengthen with years of companionship? Would I have been happy making a home and raising children with him?

  I think I would have.

  * * *

  “Bye, Miss Gallagher!” little high-pitched voices yell as they file out the door, waving and flailing their limbs wildly. Backpacks eclipse their small bodies as I watch them go.

  First week down.

  The first day was hectic and new and overwhelming. Being surrounded by seven-year-olds all day is an adventure. But we’ve really started getting into the lessons now and I am excited to learn right alongside them.

  I walk the pleasant two blocks of tree-lined sidewalk from the elementary school to my house.

  When I walk in, the place smells of fresh paint.

  Wes is painting the dining room a warm cream color that contrasts beautifully with the rich, dark woodwork. His white T-shirt stretches tight across his back. The strong muscles in his back and arms flex as he extends the roller up the wall.

  He pauses and glances over his shoulder. “Hey, how was school today?”

  “It was great.” I pick up a brush and start working around the corners and baseboards.

  We paint around the room, talking about our days of work—Wes tells me about wrangling some unruly cattle and I share a similar story of corralling twenty-four second graders after lunch for a spelling pre-test. I don’t know if he finds it all that amusing but he listens to me ramble and suggests I get a classroom lasso for the future. Talking with him is easy.

  It doesn’t take long to finish the room and we break to get some waters out of the cooler.

  “It will be nice when I have a working refrigerator.”

  Wes smiles at me from behind his water bottle. He has paint on his cheek and forearms.

  “Thanks for all of your help with the house. I appreciate it. You really are one of the best guys I know.”

  He tries to brush away the compliment, but his cheeks turn a dark pink. I always forget how easy it is to make him blush and it warms me every time.

  We clean up and I walk with him out to the front porch. It’s still sunny and warm outside, but the light breeze in the shade of the covered porch feels nice and smells faintly of lavender. Neither of us seems in a hurry to leave, so we sit and sip on our waters.

  “Wes?”

  “Yeah?”

  “They’re showing a movie in the park this weekend, last one of the summer. Do...uh...you want to go with me? As a date?”

  He spits out his water. His light blue eyes go to mine and he runs his fingers through the short curls on his head, a troubled expression on his face.

  “No.”

  “Oh, okay.” He’s probably busy. “Maybe a different movie, another time then?”

  “Court, no.”

  “No?”

  He shakes his head. “I’m not looking to date for fun. I want a serious relationship with someone I can see having a future with.”

  “And you can’t see having a future with me?”

  His eyes soften. “I don’t want to be with someone and always know I was her second choice.”

  His words sting. I want to deny them but I can’t.

  He pulls me in for a hug. “I’ll still always be here for you.”

  Being held feels nice—but he’s right. For a long time, he’s been my back-up plan. My safety net. I put myself out there for Tuck but I lost him anyway. Now, I’ve lost Wes too. All I have is this giant house with nothing and no one to put in it.

  Tears warm my eyes and I bury my face into Wes’s chest in hopes he won’t notice. But I can’t fight the slight tremble in my breaths and he squeezes me tighter.

  The back of my neck tingles and then there are footsteps. I pull away from Wes and look toward the brick walkway.

  Tuck is standing there.

  He looks between Wes and me, still wrapped in each other’s arms, in desperate silence.

  CHAPTER 28

  “Tuck?” I move away from Wes, our arms falling from our embrace quickly.

  “I’m going to head on out, then,” Wes says. He lowers his voice and adds, “If that’s all right.”

  I nod and he steps off the porch. Wes passes Tuck and they eye each other silently.

  “What are you doing here?” I stand, keeping my chin up and my expression steady, neutral.

  “Am I too late?” Tuck steps toward me.

  “Too late for what? Why are you here?” I ask again.

  “I'm here for you.”

  What the hell? “Did you forget you’re married?” I glare at him. “You said you needed to stay away from me, so I think you should leave.” My voice cracks on the last word and I’m furious that my body is betraying how much of a wreck I am right now. I’m too emotional. “I don’t want any part of whatever game you’re playing.”

  “I don’t play games. I started divorce proceedings today.”

  I’m silent. What did he just say?

  “I thought I could do it. But I can’t. I’ve been trying to do the right things, make the right decisions these last few months, but nothing has ever felt so wrong.”

  He takes a couple steps toward me. I stand rigid and he continues.

  “If I had been able to stay away from you, maybe I could have tricked myself into believing I was okay. Happy, even. But I barely made it through the summer. I picked up my phone every day hoping to see a text from you and then had to force myself to put it away so I wouldn’t break down and call you. Fuck, just spending a couple hours near you I realized it was the first time I’d laughed in months. You’re all I want.”

  I blink, swallowing slowly. “You can’t just come here out of nowhere and expect—”

  “You don’t want me?”

  I wish the look in his eyes didn’t stab me right in the chest.

  “You said you’d do anything to make us work. I went against my head and followed my heart, and you broke it.”

  He nods, eyes shiny. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He clears his throat. “It was hard for me—los
ing my dad so young, but the worst part was watching Haley grow up without him. I tried to be a positive male role model for her, I tried to make decisions that Dad would have been proud of—but I always felt like I just fell short. I could never fill that void.

  “I vowed that when I was a father, I would be the best, the most devoted, and never miss a second of that kid’s life. And when I found out Ali was having my baby I got so caught up in what I thought I should do, I lost sight of everything else.

  “I know I will be a good dad and I will always be there for my child, but I want you there beside me too.”

  I’m too stunned to move. My lungs are devoid of air and I can’t manage anything more than breathy whimpers as my chest tightens.

  Tuck steps right up to me now. He grasps both of my hands in his and lowers his head toward mine. “Asking you to sacrifice so much for me—your job, your home, your family—I couldn’t do it. But then you said you’d give that all up for me and I’ve been dying ever since that night realizing how much I fucked up.” His hands squeeze harder, his eyes search back and forth between mine. “Court, I promise that if you give me this chance, I will never let anything come between us again. I will always choose you. I will always choose us.”

  Blood is thundering in my ears.

  This doesn’t feel real.

  Is this happening? Is this it?

  My nod is small at first.

  His eyes widen.

  “Okay,” I say.

  “Yeah?”

  I nod faster. Tears well up in my eyes and blur my vision but I can still make out his left dimple as a smile takes over his face. It’s breathtaking. Then his face crumbles, probably mirroring mine, and we both let out choked sobs as I throw my arms around his neck. I cry happy tears into his shoulder and when I pull away, wiping my eyes, his are red too and we both laugh at how ridiculous we are.

  I want to rush at him, hold him and kiss him. But he’s still technically married and I notice he’s being careful to keep space between us.

  Tuck looks up at the house behind me. “Wow. Court, the house looks amazing. You did so much work.”