Mourning Express

by K. M. Waller

  “You never even paid me for my services. You’re the cheat. No wonder your neighbors hate you. Stop defaming me or I’ll take legal action.”

  Mid water sip, I sucked in a breath and choked on the water. I coughed and Mateo leaned back to watch my body fight with air and water. When I calmed down, I gave him the side-eye. “Aren’t you a medic?”

  “As long as you’re making noise, I don’t interfere.”

  I joined him at the table. “Anyway, you said something about neighbors. What was it again?”

  He scrolled down to a response to one of the bad reviews. “It says ‘no wonder your neighbors hate you.’”

  I glanced at the username again. HBoldman31. “That’s not H. Boldman. That’s HB old man. As in Harold Baumgartner. He’d hired Lou because his neighbors kept playing pranks on him.”

  “Looks like that didn’t end well.”

  “Pearl told him to fire Lou because she didn’t think he was very good at his job.”

  I walked in a circle around the table. The puzzle pieces of the last few days came together revealing a foggy picture. The note writer who wanted me to stop investigating knew my every move because it was his job to follow people around. He knew Harold and Pearl. He knew Harold’s neighbors. Everything and everyone had a connection with Lou.

  “What are you thinking?” Mateo asked.

  “I think we need to find out if Lou has a silver car with a white sticker.”

  I charged the door but when I yanked it open Teddy the Gangster filled the doorway with the sprigs of chest hair meeting me at eye level.

  Teddy grunted and jutted his chin to the side. “She’s here for her lesson.”

  “Lesson?”

  He stood to the side and a blonde tween wearing a big white bow wrapped around her side ponytail stepped forward. She didn’t look up from her cellphone and chewed a piece of gum with an open-mouthed shredding motion.

  “I’m sorry. Now isn’t a good time, Teddy.”

  He muscled forward, his determination pushing me backwards to allow him entry to the apartment. “Boss says she’s yours for thirty minutes.”

  “What’s going on?” Mateo asked.

  I glanced at my watch. Although I needed to get to Lou and see if he’d really taken Burt Jr., angering Mr. Napoli didn’t seem in my best interests. If Lou didn’t know I was onto him, then chances were in my favor he wouldn’t harm Burt Jr. “I guess I’m giving an acting lesson for the next thirty minutes to Carlino Napoli’s granddaughter.”

  The girl looked up at the mention of her grandfather’s name. “My name is Sierra.”

  Mateo folded his arms across his chest but didn’t argue. He backed into the kitchen.

  Sierra followed me into the living room. I’d only ever attended acting classes but hadn’t run one and wasn’t quite sure how to begin. She thumbed her screen a few more times while Teddy settled into a chair at the kitchen table.

  “First things first, you’ll need to put down the phone.”

  Sierra rolled her eyes and walked over to Teddy. “Record my lesson, okay?”

  He grunted and pointed her phone at us. Great. By the end of this week I’d have a catalogue of new YouTube videos.

  Sierra stood in front of me and shrugged. “What now?”

  “Let’s chat for a minute about your goals. What type of acting are you interested in?”

  “The movie kind. Duh.” The duh didn’t come along with attitude, just a matter of fact statement like I should already have had that information. Her eyes were focused and it hit me that underneath all the tween she cared about what I had to say. I could use that.

  I relaxed into the role of teacher. “We need to start with the basics. There are several things to know about acting. First is a good vocal presence. Recite the alphabet.”

  “No. That’s dumb.”

  “Okay, how about the Pledge of Allegiance?”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  “The lyrics to the new Taylor Swift song?”

  A toothy grin full of metal braces meant I’d hit the sweet spot. For seven long minutes she repeated not one but two of Swift’s most recent releases.

  “Perfect. Your projection is spot on.” I glanced at my watch again. Fifteen minutes to go. “Another couple of things to know are that you’ll need to be good at memorizing lines. Have confidence, which I don’t think will be a problem for you. And you’ll need to study dramatic techniques.”

  “What’s that?”

  “For example, one dramatic technique is observation and imitation. You mimic what you’ve already seen acted out. What’s your favorite movie?”

  “Pride and Prejudice?”

  Nice. Something we had in common. “Great choice. The one with Keira Knightly or the BBC production?”

  Her nose scrunched. “The one with the zombies.”

  “Oh. Okay.” I had to admit I didn’t hate that movie, but it wasn’t my first choice. I refocused. “All three have the emotional scene where Lizzy refuses to accept Mr. Collins marriage proposal, right?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  I waved to Mateo who’d been silent through the entire lesson. “You’ll be Mr. Bennett.”

  “Oh no.”

  “Unless Teddy wants to do it?”

  Teddy’s thick neck rotated his head toward Mateo. “Rosie said you’re Mr. Bennett, so be Mr. Bennett.”

  Mateo stood and gave me a scathing glare. “You’re going to owe me big for this.”

  “We’ll add it to everything else I already owe you.” I positioned Mateo in front of the couch. “Sierra, I’ll start by complaining about the fact you’ve turned down the marriage proposal. Then you’ll explain to Mr. Bennett why you won’t have him for a husband.”

  “But I don’t remember the words from the movie.”

  “Don’t worry about the lines for now, let the emotion of the situation guide you. You are not going to marry that guy no matter what Mrs. Bennet says. Just mimic and imitate what you’ve seen from the movie. It doesn’t have to be perfect.”

  I closed my eyes to focus on my character. I channeled the day my mom asked me not to go to L.A. and how I’d complained to Grammy and she’d written me a check. That must’ve been terrible for the both of them. Ready to understand my mom’s way of thinking, I began my version of Mrs. Bennett.

  “Mr. Bennett, Mr. Bennet. She won’t have him. She’s turned down his proposal. We’ll be destitute. Tell her to say yes. Tell that ungrateful child to say she will accept him. I shall never speak to her again if she doesn’t.” I motioned to Sierra and mouthed the word “go.”

  “Listen Daddy Bennett, I’m not marrying some fool without money. Darcy has, like, a mansion.” Her braces showed again when she smiled at her improvisation.

  I glanced up at Mateo.

  He grimaced. “I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my entire life.”

  “I doubt that. Now do some lines.” I held my lips together to keep from smiling.

  “Lizzy Bennett. Your mother shall never speak to you again if you marry Mr. Collins. And I shall never speak to you again if you do.”

  “Wow.” I cocked my head to the side and studied him. He knew lines from my favorite movie.

  “What? I’ve seen the Kiera Knightley version a few times.”

  Teddy the Gangster clapped and stood. He held out the phone and Sierra took it from his hands. “Times up, Sierra.” He reached into his pocket and withdrew a fifty-dollar bill and placed it on the table. “For your time.”

  Sierra rushed at me and swallowed me in a hug. “You’re the coolest. Can we get a selfie, please?”

  “Yes, one.” We duck-lipped while she clicked a picture. A tiny shot of happiness coursed through me to get past the diva hashtag and be considered cool by a fan again. Maybe teaching acting lessons could be a future endeavor. I steered her toward the door leaving those thoughts for another time.

  Right now I had a private investigator that needed some investigating of his own possible misdeeds. />
  Mateo stood at my back until Sierra and Teddy strolled out of our sight.

  “Do we want to talk about what just happened?”

  “Not now.” I handed him my keys and snatched the fifty-dollar bill from the counter. “Now we have to find out if my hunch about Lou Kadlec is right.”

  14

  Lou’s office address put him on the southeast side of Biltmore Village from our apartment, in a stand-alone white house that had been converted into a duplex office building. The sign on one side advertised an insurance agency. A small black sign on the other side read Kadlec Investigations.

  I slumped down in the passenger seat while we made a few passes to see if we could pick out his car. Sure enough, on our second pass, I spotted a silver car with a white sticker of a fly fishing lure that said tie one on above it. No wonder Sadie had a hard time remembering it. Mateo and I parked a block away from the office in the Colton Mattress Factory parking lot.

  “What’s the plan?” Mateo asked.

  “At this point I need a full confession.” I bit the edge of my thumbnail. “He doesn’t know I’m onto him yet, so we have that to our advantage.”

  “I really wish you’d let me call the sheriff’s department. We’re technically outside of Asheville city limits. I have a few deputy friends over here that might be willing to help us out.”

  I shook my head. “We need to catch him off guard and not give him any additional time to hurt Burt Jr. And he might know someone in the department who’d tip him off. I can’t take that chance.”

  “Then I’ll ask again—what’s the plan?”

  “Usually I’d fake cry, but I’m too scared and angry to get in the right frame of mind.” I took a bottle of eye drops out of my purse and squirted enough drops to have them running my makeup down my face. “I’m going to play dumb. Like really, really dumb. As if I couldn’t put the clues I’ve gathered together to save my life.”

  “Where am I while you’re being dumb?”

  “Playing dumb. The building he’s in appears to be really old and looks like it has a window air conditioner. I’ll make sure to maneuver him toward it so you can record anything he says.”

  “That’s a terrible plan. All those murder mystery movies you were in and you can’t come up with something better than me standing outside the window?”

  “I never got to play the hero in those, remember? I was usually killed off within the first few minutes.”

  Mateo shook his head. “That doesn’t make me feel any better about this.”

  “Okay, I’ll do the recording and you stand right outside. If I scream, you burst in and save me.”

  “I should go in with you.”

  “He won’t be as relaxed if you’re there,” I countered. “He needs to let his guard down and make a mistake.”

  “What if he has a gun?”

  “You’re almost as bad a partner as Gabe. We can sit here and play what if all night or we can go in there and get my Grammy’s dog back. All I need is one piece of evidence to put him at Harold’s that night. Or I need a handwriting sample to compare to the notes. Just something tangible to get him to confess.”

  Mateo gripped the steering wheel and drove me back to Lou’s office. “The minute you think he’s onto you in any way, shape, or form, you come back out that door. Promise me.”

  “I promise.”

  “No crawling around on the floor or hiding behind the furniture.”

  I cringed at his challenging tone of voice. Of course he had to bring up my past adventures. I regretted telling him every single detail. “I said I promise. I’m going in for a conversation and a quick grab of some evidence.”

  I opened the door and stepped out onto the small paved parking lot. “But my end game is a full confession about Harold.” I slammed the door before he could waste any more time with arguing.

  Mateo would park a couple of buildings away and walk back. My nerves were less than steel and my finger hesitated over the buzzer. I sniffed a couple of times and whispered a trio of “Mmmmmm Ahs.”

  I pressed the buzzer and Lou answered almost immediately. I pulled a crumpled tissue up to my face. “Oh, Mr. Kadlec. I sure hope you can help me.”

  A line of sweat glistened on the top of his brow below his shiny head. “Come in. Your phone call sounded urgent earlier.” Before he closed the door, he ducked his head out to check the parking lot. “Is this about your Harold theory?”

  Unsure how dumb to play it, I started with the craziest theory I could muster. “The mob stole my grandmother’s dog because I’ve uncovered a conspiracy.”

  “Really?”

  “Remember I told you in the message a couple of days ago about the name Napoli. Well, I found him. Carlino Napoli. He’s running a huge underground gambling ring and I’ve discovered it all.”

  “And he stole your grandmother’s dog?”

  “He thinks I’m a rich actress and he’s holding Burt Lancaster Jr. for ransom.” For the first time in weeks, I used my fake cry without feeling shame.

  He lowered himself into a swivel chair behind a large desk. On top were a few envelopes, but nothing that appeared to be handwritten. His expression held a hint of confusion. “There was a demand for money?”

  “Not yet.” I pushed my face against the tissue and sobbed loudly. Between gasps for air, I said, “But I know he will. I’m so broke. I don’t even think I have enough money to hire you.”

  While Lou soaked up my theory, I glanced around the open, sparse office. Two wooden chairs had been placed in front of his desk. A water cooler sat in the corner. A dark hallway led to the back. A kitchen and bathroom, maybe? Fishing trophies and memorabilia decorated the beige walls. If Burt were here he’d have yipped at the sound of my voice.

  I needed to get into his desk drawers. I picked up a paper cup from the dispenser beside his water cooler. “Can I trouble you for tap water? I don’t like the bottled stuff.”

  He struggled out of his chair and took the cup from me. I’d have about a count to fifteen to find something that could lead me to Burt Jr. As soon as Lou’s back disappeared from view down the hall, I rushed to the desk. The envelopes on top appeared to be bills. I pulled open the first drawer and found nothing but office supplies. The second drawer held a dead cockroach with its legs pointing to the ceiling. Ew.

  A water faucet shut on and off from down the hallway. Dang it. I had less than a count to five to grab something. I flipped through the envelopes and almost shouted with glee. One of the bills was addressed to his house. I shoved it under my shirt and into the waistband of my pants. Lou rounded the corner and I sniffled and leaned my hip against the edge of the desk, pretending to look at a fish painting behind his desk. “That’s such an interesting fish.”

  I took the glass of water and drank the entire contents. “Will you take my case?” I asked and tossed the cup into the trash.

  “I, um, I’d need a retainer from you.”

  I held back all the mean things I wanted to say, and it wasn’t easy. It would’ve been nice if he’d confessed outright instead of taking my money and fake case. Harold had been right about the cheat part. “All I have on me is fifty dollars. I can get you more in the morning if you can get started tonight. Do you want the address to Napoli’s Bar?”

  “I know where it is.” He glanced at me and his eyes fluttered. “I mean to say I know most of the shady places in Asheville so I can find it no problem.”

  “Promise me you’ll go by there tonight. Please.”

  “I, uh, promise.”

  I moved toward the door and the paper at my waist made a light crinkle sound. I compensated with a few more sniffles. “Don’t you at least want a picture of Burt?”

  “Sure, sure. You said it was small and brown and white, right?”

  “Did I?” I knew I hadn’t and his description further justified my suspicions he’d stolen Burt Jr.

  “You must have,” he said with a shrug. “Ms. Collins?”

  I froze with my hand
poised on the door handle. “Yes?”

  “Don’t worry. We’ll find your grandmother’s dog. I can almost guarantee it.”

  “I knew coming to see you was the right move.” I pulled the door open and practically dashed down the stairs. That morally-challenged, unethical man had my Grammy’s dog. But only after I had Burt safely in my hands would I find out for sure why.

  Once out of sight of Lou’s office, Mateo materialized beside me. “What’d you get?”

  I grabbed his sleeve and pulled him into a run. “We need to hurry.” I pulled the envelope from its hiding place and waved it in the air. “I have his home address. We get Burt Jr., and then we get the confession. But first of all, we have to beat him home.”

  ∞∞∞

  Used to driving as if a life depended on it, Mateo tore through the streets of Asheville toward Lou’s house. I put the address on the envelope in my phone’s GPS and called out directions. Lou lived farther outside of Asheville’s city limits in a less populated area. The older house sat at the end of a long gravel drive.

  “What do we do if he has a family at home?” Mateo asked.

  “Detective Jones mentioned that his wife left him not too long ago.”

  “You need to prepare yourself in case we don’t find Burt Jr. out there.” His tone softened.

  “Only positive thoughts right now.”

  Mateo grimaced as he took a corner. “I’m positive everything we’re doing tonight is a bad idea.”

  “Yet, you’re doing it anyway.”

  “That’s because I like you.”

  “Diva and all?” Our relationship had changed by leaps and bounds in the past couple of days and I hoped it was for all the right reasons.

  “A diva would never go to these lengths to find her grandmother’s missing dog. Or to prove that someone killed Harold, a man she didn’t even know.”

  “I’m thinking of adding it to my resume.”

  He cleared his throat. “I’m not saying I agree with how you’ve put yourself in danger though. We find Burt Jr. and call the police. That’s the new deal. The police are better equipped to obtain a confession.”