by Kevin Brooks
Oh no---
Do you know who it was?
She shook her head. All I can remember is going to bed as normal, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in that horrible stinking cell. The rest of it, whatever happened inbetween---I cant remember a thing. Theres just nothing there, no memory at all, just a blank space.
They think it was Yael.
Yael? The Fighter?
Yeh. They think he must have done some kind of deal with the Dau.
Yael would never do that.
Thats what I thought. But he had a bloodstained shirt and a hood hidden away in the cellar of his house, and they found some of your necklace beads in the turret of his tower —
My beads?
Her voice had suddenly become frail and choked with emotion, and as her hand moved to her throat, feeling for the necklace that was no longer there, it was as if something had finally cracked in her, and at last she could let herself cry.
And thats what she did.
I didnt know what to do. Ide never been alone with someone in tears before – I didnt know what I was supposed to do, what Chola Se might want me to do, or even what I felt like doing. Should I hold her? Should I say something? Should I just keep quiet and wait? I didnt even know how long she might cry for---
Ide never felt so useless in my life.
In the end, she didnt cry for long – a minute or 2 at the most – and as soon as shede stopped, with an abrupt sniff and a sudden hard swallow, she immediately began talking again, only now her voice was emotionless, as dead and empty as the desert night.
Pilgrim was just the first, she said. A few hours after hede finished with me, another one came down. I think he was their Marshal. He had 2 other men with him – bodyguards, servants---I dont know. They just followed his orders. They got me ready for him, made sure I couldnt hurt him. Then they turned their backs and left him to it.
She sniffed again.
I think the next one was probably their Deputy. He didnt have any bodyguards or servants with him, but he didnt need any. Ide had it by then. I could barely even stand up, let alone put up a fight---
She hesitated, clearing her throat. Then she sniffed yet again and started rubbing her eyes.
You dont have to do this, I said. You dont have to tell me —
Yes, I do, she said, quietly but firmly. I need to get it all out. I need to tell you everything, Jeet. I need you to know what happened.
Okay.
Theres not really much more to tell anyway. After the Deputy had finished, they left me alone for the rest of the night. I didnt get any sleep. I tried to – I was so tired – but I kept thinking another one was going to come down---I just lay there all night, listening and waiting---but no one else came. The fat woman brought me some food in the morning, but I couldnt eat it. And that was it really. Nothing else happened and no one else came down until that drunk pig you killed tonight. He was the Marshals son, by the way. You ripped out the throat of the Dau Marshals son.
Ile do the same to his father if —
What was that? she whispered suddenly.
Ide heard it too, a faint sound in the distance. We both kept quiet and listened. I couldnt make out what it was at first, but as it drew closer – moving in from the west – it gradually became clearer – bootsteps, dull rattles, and metallic clinks---
The Dau Fighters were coming back.
It seemed to take them a long time to get here, and when they finally arrived – heading towards us along the gully – it was clear they were struggling to keep going. They sounded exhausted – walking slowly, dragging their feet, barely saying a word – and as I pictured them trudging along, I felt a growing sense of cautious relief. They sounded like men whode been led on a long and ultimately futile chase, and while I couldnt be certain that my mother and the pack had all escaped unharmed, the despondency of the Dau Fighters was a good sign that they had.
The Fighters were very close now.
We held our breath as they approached the trunk – clomping, clanking, grunting, shuffling – and then, for a few long moments, they came alongside us, close enough for us to smell them---and then, at last, they passed us by, their heavy bootsteps slogging away into the distance.
We waited.
The minutes passed, the bootsteps faded.
Silence.
They were gone.
We were safe again.
Safe and together.
Together---
I still dont know how I feel about what happened next – whether it was right or wrong---whether Chola Se was so broken that she didnt know what she was doing---whether I should, or even could, have refused to go along with it---
I dont know.
All I know is, however I feel about it, it happened.
And nothing can change that now.
It began shortly after the Dau had come and gone. Wede decided to wait a while before leaving the trunk and heading back to town – just to make doubly sure it was safe – and while we were waiting, Chola Se had asked me how my leg was feeling.
Its fine, Ide told her.
Good, shede said. Ide better take a look at it before we get going though, just in case its started bleeding again.
As she lowered herself down, her hair brushed against my nakedness, and within a few moments I realized that Ide become physically aroused. I was ashamed of myself. Not just because of the awkwardness and embarrassment – I could have lived with that – but because it felt so wrong. It was ugly, insensitive, sickeningly inappropriate---everything about it was wrong. But as I stood there in the darkness, with Chola Ses hands gently feeling my leg, there was nothing I could do about it. No matter how much I tried, I couldnt make it go away.
The bandage feels okay, Chola Se said. Nice and dry. Theres no sign of any fresh bleeding. I dont think youre going to die after all.
As she started straightening up, I pushed myself as far back against the trunk as I could, trying desperately to keep myself away from her, but I didnt succeed. I dont know if she stumbled a bit as she stood, or if she just happened to lean against me, but however it happened, our bodies came together, and she couldnt fail to notice the state I was in.
Oh, she said, moving back.
Ime so sorry, I muttered, turning sideways and twisting away from her. I didnt mean to---I mean, I dont want---it just happened. I know its unforgiveable, but please —
Its all right, Jeet, she said softly. Its all right.
I felt her hands on my hips then, and a moment later I felt her gently pulling me round towards her.
Listen, Jeet, she said quietly, moving closer to me. Ive killed my feelings. You understand that, dont you? Weve both had to do it ever since we were taken back from the dogs – kill all our memories and feelings, bury them deep inside us, forget them. We have to do it every day, every hour, every minute. And thats what Ive done with the things those men did to me. Ive killed the Chola Se they did them to---killed her and buried her. Shese gone, dead. And now Ive become a new emptiness.
She moved even closer, putting her mouth to my ear.
You were going to kill me, werent you? Back at the camp, facing the 3 Dau Fighters---you were going to keep your promise and not let them take me alive.
I didnt answer. I couldnt speak.
Well, now Ime asking you to kill something else, she breathed. I want you to kill what Pilgrim and the others put inside me.
I dont understand, I managed to mumble.
They put their sexblood in me. They might have given me a child---and I cant let that be. I cant carry a child of theirs. But your blood is stronger than theirs, Jeet---strong enough to kill it.
No, Chola, I dont think —
I want you to kill the bad blood in me, Jeet. Youre special —
Ime not —
You are. Youre strong. You have a destiny. I want you to do this for me.
She held me then, she made us one, and we moved together in the whispered breath of the cold night air.
It was still dark when we left the tree trunk.
Although we didnt know exactly where we were – and we couldnt see any landmarks to guide us – we knew the Black Mountains were over to our right, so all we had to do was keep heading west and eventually the town would come into view somewhere to the south of us. I knew the Dau would be looking out for us from their camp, but I wasnt overly worried. We were too far away for them to get a good shot at us – especially in the dark – and I doubted if theyd risk sending any Fighters after us because the sun would be up soon, and by the time they reached us theyd probably be in shooting range of our Fighters. There was no point in taking any chances though, so we kept out of sight as much as possible, and every now and then we stopped for a while and stood perfectly still, listening out to make sure we werent being followed.
It wasnt long before the first light of dawn began reddening the eastern sky, and a few minutes later, as the burning edge of the morning sun crept up over the horizon, we crested a low ridge and saw the welcoming sight of town. It was just over to our left, no more than a quarter of a mile away.
We looked at each other and smiled.
Wede made it.
We were cold and tired, weak, hungry, exhausted. My leg was throbbing, the stab wound bleeding freely again, and Chola Se was battered and bruised from head to toe and had been through a living hell---
But wede survived.
We were still alive.
Wede made it.
We couldnt relax yet though, and as we set off towards town – heading towards the far end of the woodland – we talked again about our plan for dealing with Pilgrim. Wede already discussed it at some length while we were walking in the foothills, and wede come to the conclusion that the only option we had was to tell Gun Sur. If Pilgrim was a traitor – and we couldnt think of any other reason why hede be with the Dau, or why hede do what he did to Chola Se – then Gun Sur had to know, and he had to know as soon as possible. The problem was going to be how to make him believe us. Pilgrim would obviously deny everything, and ultimately it was going to be his word against ours – the word of Gun Surs loyal Deputy against the word of 2 dogchilds – so it wasnt going to be easy. But wede come up with a few ideas, and we were fairly sure that once Gun Sur had listened to our side of the story, hede know we were telling the truth.
The sun had risen by the time we entered the woodland, and it didnt take me long to find the slab of rock near the edge of the cliff where Ide left the thick heavy coat. I helped Chola Se put it on – to keep her warm and cover her nakedness – then I jumped up onto the rock, threw back my head and cupped my hands to my mouth, and let out a howl. I was calling out to my mother again, letting her know that wede made it back, and that we were both okay, while simultaneously asking her if she and the others were safe. I didnt have to wait long for a reply. It came almost immediately, and from surprisingly closeby. She couldnt have been more than a few miles away, and I realized she must have been keeping an eye on us. Her answering call was partly a simple acknowledgement – letting me know that shede heard me, and that she and the others were all safe and well – but at the same time it was both a personal and public affirmation of our relationship – telling me and the rest of the world that she would always be my mother and I would always be her son. And as the echo of her cry faded away, I heard the rest of the pack calling out – all 8 of them – singing out to me in ragged unison, letting me know that I was one of them now. It was a sound that filled me with a deep sense of belonging---and a deep sense of sadness too.
I was leaving them, leaving their world---a world that could be mine.
Tomas was waiting for us when we approached the tunnel entrance – the same young Fighter whode been there when Ide left – and the tunnel was already open, so I guessed the watchtower guards had seen us coming and passed on the news. It was clear from the look on his face that Tomas realized we were both in poor shape, and as he came running over to help us, he was already taking off his coat to give to me.
Thanks, I said, putting it on.
Although he was obviously surprised to see Chola Se with me – he couldnt help glancing at her every few seconds – he didnt say anything or ask any questions, he just led us over to the tunnel and flashed a quick signal to the guard in the West End Tower.
The other ends open, he said to me. Theyre already waiting for you.
They? I said.
Captain Kite, the Marshal, and Deputy Pilgrim.
Pilgrims there?
Yeh.
I looked at Chola Se. Her face was blank.
Ile go first, I told her. You stay close behind me, okay?
She just nodded.
I lowered myself into the tunnel, crawled forward a few yards, then stopped and waited for Chola Se.
Hese been through here, I heard her say from behind me.
What?
Pilgrim. I can smell his scent in here.
She was right. I recognized it now. It was the smell Ide noticed before when Ide come out through the tunnel, the scent Ide thought was familiar but couldnt put a name to. It was definitely Pilgrims.
Listen, Chola, I said. When we come out of the tunnel, dont say anything to Gun Sur about Pilgrim, okay? Its better if we wait until we can talk to him on his own.
But whats Pilgrim going to do when he sees me? she replied. He wont be expecting me —
Yeh, he will. The guards in the watchtower will have told him youre with me. Thats probably why hese come to meet us. He wants to be there in case you tell Gun Sur about him.
Whats he going to do if I dont?
I dont think hele do anything. Hese not going to bring it up if you dont. Just keep quiet for now, okay? Wele work out what to do about it later on.
All right.
She sounded calm and composed, but as we crawled on through the tunnel I couldnt help worrying how she was going to react when she saw Pilgrim. It was asking a lot for her to keep quiet when she came face to face with the man whode done such terrible things to her, and although she claimed to have killed her feelings, I was fairly sure that just wasnt possible. Hide them, yes. Bury them, fine. But kill them?
There are some things you just cant kill.
I still wanted to believe in Chola Se though. I wanted to think shede be okay.
She can deal with Pilgrim, I told myself. Shese strong. Shele deal with it.
But I was wrong.
For the first few seconds after wede stepped out of the tunnel, I thought everything was going to be okay. Gun Sur and Pilgrim were waiting for us directly outside the tunnel exit – standing side by side – and Captain Kite was just off to the left of Pilgrim. The Deputys face was heavily bandaged, and even with the bandage I could see that Chola Se hadnt been exaggerating when shede told me shede bitten a big chunk of flesh from his face. It was obviously a serious wound – his whole cheek was swollen out of shape, the skin reddened and badly bruised – and he must have been in a lot of pain, but you wouldnt have known it. His eyes showed nothing at all – no pain, no fear, no surprise, no concern. He didnt even look at Chola Se at first, he just stood there staring dead-eyed at me, his face completely unreadable. I could sense the tension in Chola Se as she stood beside me, but she seemed to be keeping herself under control, and I was beginning to think that maybe she was going to get through this after all. It was only when Pilgrim turned his eyes on her, and a mocking smile flickered briefly across his face – too quick for anyone else to see – that I realized I was hoping for the impossible. I heard the quiet snarl in her throat, and a moment later I felt the tension inside her suddenly explode, and before I could do anything to stop her shede launched herself at Pilgrim – her teeth bared in silent rage as she lunged wild-eyed for his throat. She moved so fast that I was sure there was nothing Pilgrim could do to stop her. But as fast as she was, he was even faster. His hands were a blur as he reached for his guns, and by the time Chola Se was within a few feet of him, hede drawn both his Colts and had them leveled at her head in his outst
retched arms. I didnt doubt for a moment that hede use them, and even in her murderous fury Chola Se could see the killing look in his eyes, but she only just managed to stop herself in time, stumbling to a halt just as her head came face to face with the pistols. For a couple of seconds the 2 of them just stood there, frozen like statues, staring into each others eyes.
Then Gun Sur spoke – what the hells going on? – breaking the spell, and Chola Se slowly began backing away.
Its not what she thinks, Pilgrim told Gun Sur, keeping his guns on her.
Whats that supposed to mean?
Its complicated, Pilgrim said, still watching Chola Se. We need to talk.
Gun Sur glanced at Chola Se, then looked at me. Do you know what this is about?
I nodded.
So tell me.
The Deputys right, I said. Its complicated---I think it might be best to leave it for now.
Gun Sur was clearly incensed, but one of the reasons hese been our Marshal for so long is that hese good at making decisions under difficult circumstances, and as I watched him standing there, quietly shaking his head in dismay and disbelief, I could tell he was already thinking ahead.
Did you get the detonators? he asked me.
I took the canvas bag from my shoulder, removed my knife – which Ide put in there when we left the tree trunk – and passed the bag to Gun Sur. He opened it up, looked inside, nodded, then closed it again.
Any trouble? he said.
A bit.
All right, you can tell me about it later. He glanced at Chola Se, taking in her battered condition. Right now you both need to get yourselves fixed up. Go and see Doctor Shiva, and when hese done what he can for you, I want you both to go home, clean yourselves up, get something to eat, and get some rest. Wele meet in my office tomorrow morning, and then youle tell me everything that happened. And I mean everything. Understand?
We both nodded.
He looked at Chola Se again. Its good to have you back.
Thanks, she muttered, her head bowed down.
Its sometime in the early hours of the morning now.
Weare staying the night at Starrys house. We both desperately needed to get some sleep, and if wede gone back to my house or Chola Ses we would have had to take it in turns to stay awake just in case Pilgrim decided to try anything, and I wasnt sure we could manage that. So after wede seen Doctor Shiva we came straight here and explained the situation to Starry, and he was more than happy to give us his bed and act as our guardian for the night.
