Be My Midnight Kiss

by Jean Brashear

  “Because I’m not hysterical?”

  “Hysterical?” Steph jumped up and headed for the door. “I do not get hysterical. This conversation is over.”

  Over, was it? Be damned if it was.

  In her outrage, she didn’t hear his steps behind her. He closed the gap, swung her off her feet and slung her over his shoulder. “Do you think I asked to fall in love with you?” he growled. “You are a spoiled brat with no more vision than an old blind dog. You refuse to see what we could have.”

  “Let me down, you—you baboon.” Steph pounded his back, wriggling and kicking wildly. “I hate you.”

  “You do not.” Gavin dumped her on his bed.

  She scrambled to her feet, and he stepped in her way. “Don’t push me any further, Stephanie. You sit there and you cool off.”

  “You’re insane. Haven’t you heard one word I’ve said?”

  “If I am, you’ve driven me there. Yes, I’m listening, but all I hear is drivel and fear.”

  “Fear? Me? I eat guys like you for breakfast.”

  He looked at the ceiling and prayed for patience. “Of course it’s not men you’re afraid of. It’s yourself. Your brain, sweetheart, is your worst enemy. You think too much. Love isn’t reasonable or logical. The heart doesn’t care if it makes sense. The heart wants what the heart wants, it’s that simple.”

  “The heart is only an organ that pumps blood. Everything else is self-delusion. People think they fall in love because they want to believe in that fantasy when they’re afraid to be alone. It’s not real.” She paused for a minute, and he waited to hear what would pour out of her next.

  “Look, let’s be reasonable about this. You and I are different, but we have a good time together. That doesn’t have to go away if you can simply accept that’s all this is. We can agree to disagree about sentimental matters.”

  He could almost see her in a business meeting, all cool logic, thinking that was enough.

  “Now I’d like to go home, please.”

  “What about Ellie and Wyatt?”

  “I’ll just tell them I don’t feel well.” Her chin jutted. “It won’t be a lie.”

  “This is a mistake,” he said quietly.

  “It is.”

  He was certain they didn’t mean the same thing. “I won’t come after you again, Stephanie. The next move is up to you.”

  Her eyes were huge and dark and serious. “It doesn’t have to be this way.”

  “Relationships have to grow…or they die.” Couldn’t she see what she was doing to them? What they could be? “Don’t act like a child.” Please. But he was sick to death of being the only one to believe in them.

  She watched him, and in her eyes, he thought he saw the stirrings of doubt, perhaps of regrets. “I wish I could make you understand,” she said so faintly it was barely a whisper.

  “What I understand is that you’re going to let your fears win.”

  He saw her flinch from his words, but she didn’t argue. Instead she put one hand on the doorknob. “Shall I call a cab?”

  His heart was lead. “Very well,” he said stiffly. “Suit yourself.” He drew his keys from his pocket and reached past her to open the door for her.

  The way, he thought bitterly, a man did for the woman he loved.

  But he wouldn’t beg for her to love him back.

  Chapter Twelve

  For the next three days, Steph worked like a maniac.

  But she also checked her phone obsessively.

  Gavin never called.

  Well, that’s good, isn’t it? She asked her reflection in the gym mirror. It’s exactly what you wanted.

  The ache in her chest weighed a hundred pounds.

  She felt like a kid who’d given away her favorite toy. She hadn’t understood how much Gavin had brightened her life until he was gone.

  But she was the only one who understood that this could only end badly. She’d had no choice, once he started spouting craziness like marriage, to end things before she inflicted damage he couldn’t bear.

  Because for all his great strength, Gavin’s heart was soft and unprotected. She could live with most of what she’d done in her life, but she couldn’t live with knowing she’d damaged that beautiful heart of his.

  She’d done the right thing, she knew that. What she hadn’t counted on was how much she would hurt.

  And the only person she wanted to turn to for comfort was the one she’d had to shove away.

  Steph ratcheted up the angle on the treadmill. She would get past this. She would sweat Gavin out of her system. She would get back in fighting trim, be back out in the game any day.

  Ava stepped on the machine beside her. “Hi—Wow, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Then why are you crying?”

  Steph reached up, horrified to feel wet cheeks. “It’s nothing.”

  “This is me, girlfriend. I can count the number of times I’ve seen you cry on…actually, I’ve never seen you cry. What gives?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “It’s that guy, isn’t it? Gavin?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Oh, lordy.” Ava hit the stop button. Grabbed Steph’s arm. “Come on.”

  Steph shook her off. “I’m busy.”

  “I don’t care.” Ava hit Steph’s stop button, too, and practically dragged her off the machine. Once they were inside the locker room with no one around, Ava faced her. “Spill.”

  “There’s nothing to say.”

  “Sure there’s not.” Ava studied her. She opened her mouth, then snapped it shut. Shook her head. “It has to be love. Nothing else makes a person so miserable. So do I need to kick his ass?”

  “No!” Steph subsided immediately. “The fault isn’t his, it’s mine.” Misery swamped her, enough so she made a painful admission. “I’m not in love. I can’t be.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’ll screw it up.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “I can’t make Gavin happy. He needs an Ellie. He deserves one, damn it. I can’t be like her.” Her chin jutted forward. “I don’t even want to.” But she knew she was lying. If she could be an Ellie, she would.

  “Has he asked you to?” Ava sounded enraged. “Because I’ll march right over and read him the riot act. You’re just fine as you are.”

  Steph sagged. “That’s what he said.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “If you knew him, you wouldn’t ask. He’s this cheerful giant who works magic with wood, who deserves babies on his lap and gardens full of flowers and some little cottage with hand-braided rugs on the floor. That’s not me, Ava.”

  She began to pace. “I eat nails for breakfast. I party all night, Gavin’s up with the chickens. I like bad boys and loud music. He talks like a damn poet. He’s too patient, too cheerful. I’m bad-tempered and impatient, and I’m not going to change.”

  “Honey—” There was laughter in Ava’s voice. “That’s it?”

  “It’s not a joke. Anyway, it’s over and just as well. We’re completely ill-suited. I wear Armani suits and he doesn’t even own a tie, I don’t think.”

  “Ah, so you’re ashamed of him.”

  “Of course not.” Steph rounded on her. “I’m not a snob. I just…” Tears welled in the corners of her eyes. “I don’t know how to fit him in, Ava. And I would screw it up, I know it. I’d feel like crap because he’s such a good man, but I’d still do it. Sooner or later, I’d get restless and want to be out all night, and he’d be making hot chocolate and just want to rub my feet or something. He’d be miserable, and I would never forgive myself.”

  Ava put her hands on Steph’s shoulders. “My grandmother used to call what you’re doing borrowing trouble. Can’t you just give this a chance? See how it plays out?”

  “You don’t understand. He came to my house dressed up as Santa and brought me a jewelry box he’d made hi
mself. It’s museum-quality stuff, Ava. And inside it was this necklace.” She brought the piece out from beneath her old t-shirt. She should have taken it off, given it back…but she just couldn’t.

  Ava touched it gingerly. “It’s exquisite.”

  “He kissed me and made my toes curl. Made love to me until I lost my mind. But then he told his family he was going to marry me.”

  “Well, then. He obviously deserves to be shot.”

  “It’s not funny.”

  Ava rubbed her arm. “I can see that. What did you do?”

  “I told him all the reasons why marriage is stupid.”

  Ava rolled her eyes. “Honey…” Ava stroked Steph’s hair. “You’re smarter than this. So have you seen Gavin since then?”

  “No.”

  “Have you called him?

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. It’s over, the end. For once in my life, I’m trying to be noble. Leave this, Ava.”

  “Just answer me one question first. How does he make you feel?”

  Steph sighed loudly. “He’s not just great in bed. He makes me feel so…cherished, so…special.” Then she burst into tears again.

  “And that’s bad because…?”

  “I’ll ruin it. I won’t mean to, but somehow I will. I’m not good at this, and Gavin deserves someone amazing.” She shoved past her friend. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Hard as it may be to believe, I’m thinking of someone else first for a change.”

  “Steph,” Ava said. “Don’t be an idiot. Don’t walk away because you’re scared.”

  “Too late,” Steph whispered as she gathered her things to go. “I already did.”

  “Steph…”

  But she rushed out before Ava could say more.

  On New Year’s Eve at the Preston house, Gavin strummed his guitar dispiritedly out on the porch after a fast-moving set he’d played for the assortment of guests.

  It was a nice gathering of friends and neighbors where everyone danced and brought food, where friendship and community was celebrated.

  He’d never felt lonelier in his life.

  Not that Stephanie would fit in, he told himself. Oh, she cared enough about the Prestons to pretend she was enjoying herself, but this was not her type of gathering. Most likely she was in some hot, crowded, smoky club right now, gyrating that beautiful body with one nameless man or another, teasing them, letting them put their hands on her, draw her close when they hadn’t the first notion of how to care for her—

  He gripped the neck of his guitar, seized by an unbearable urge to smash it on the porch rail.

  “Gavin?” A sweet voice from behind him. Ellie.

  He exhaled. Eased his grip.

  Stephanie had said they were too different. Thought that she could simply walk away, that she could discard his love like it was nothing.

  Then be damned to you, Stephanie Hargrove.

  A small hand touched his shoulder, and he whirled on her.

  Ellie took a step back, and he was instantly ashamed. “I’m sorry.” He set down his guitar and held up his hands. “I truly am—I don’t—” Never in his life had he felt so out of control. So damned much pain.

  Her eyes were soft and sympathetic as she approached him. “Are you all right? I saw you out here and you looked so…” She paused. “Is it Steph?”

  He looked away, unable to stem a bitter laugh. “It’s my own fault.”

  “Why?”

  “I—There’s no point.”

  “Gavin…”

  He steeled himself against her pity. “It isn’t as though she didn’t warn me, the blasted fool woman.” His mouth twisted. “Though it’s me who’s the fool.”

  “Are you?”

  He glanced back in surprise.

  “She’s scared, Gavin, that’s all.”

  “I know that, but—” Again he shook his head. “She’s also right. We’re nothing alike. She would hate my life.”

  “Does she have to live it?”

  He frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “Does it have to be your way or hers?”

  Gavin stared at Ellie. “The life she’s living isn’t good for her.”

  Ellie’s head tilted. “So Steph’s the one who has to change?”

  He looked at Stephanie’s friend, but he was really seeing Stephanie herself, remembering how she’d focused so hard on turning the balusters. How proud she’d been. “She would be happier.”

  But would she really? he asked himself for the first time. He thought about how little he’d questioned her about her work, how he didn’t really know what she liked about her career or how she’d come to choose it.

  And being with me would diminish you? he’d asked, so certain that couldn’t be the case, that he was offering her something far better.

  He considered his conversation with his dad on Christmas. Son, only make certain that you respect the differences between you. Our way does not have to be yours.

  Hadn’t he said that very thing to his family again and again? I can’t come back, Mom. I have a different life now.

  Yet he’d recreated most of his past life here in Texas, and he’d expected Stephanie to fit into it. He’d told her he didn’t expect her to be an Ellie, but he’d never considered accepting her lifestyle for himself.

  “She likes some of it,” he defended himself. But how much of it would truly suit her? Was it only a changed Stephanie he wanted? His own image of who she should be?

  “What time is it?” he asked Ellie.

  “Just after ten-thirty.”

  Thirty minutes to get to her place. Less than an hour after that before midnight, and she could be in any number of clubs. Austin was a big town with endless venues for entertainment.

  He wanted to be with her when the year turned. Needed to start the new year fresh, to tell her he’d been wrong, to see if there was a second chance for them.

  Before it was too late.

  Before her midnight kiss was with someone else, someone wrong for her.

  And you’ve been so right for her?

  He would be. Of that he’d make certain.

  But where would he find her? How could he locate her in time?

  “I have to go.” He was desperate to find her before midnight. “Do you know her favorite clubs?” Shame on him that he didn’t.

  All he’d done was ask her to give up her life.

  Ellie gave him two names. “They’re both close to her place. I’ll ask Ava and our kids. Someone may know others. I’ll call if I learn more. Check your cell for calls, since the noise will be deafening down there and you might not hear the ring.”

  He raced for the door, then abruptly stopped. Turned and kissed Ellie’s cheek. “Thank you. Wish me luck.”

  “I do.”

  “I’ll likely need it.”

  She smiled. “That you will.”

  He smiled back. “Whatever it takes, she’s worth it.”

  The music was hot and loud, just the way Steph liked it. The driving beat of the drums vibrated through her body, the wailing guitar notes sizzled up her spine. All around her, people were having a great time, anticipation high as the midnight hour approached.

  A new year. Ergo, a new beginning.

  Why did everyone always believe that?

  Most people kept going in their same old tracks, year after year. Their lives were no different on January first than they’d been at the end of December. So what made them hope? Simple delusion?

  Your brain, sweetheart, is your worst enemy. Love isn’t reasonable or logical.

  Steph halted in place, buffeted around by bodies on all sides.

  Just answer me one question first. How does he make you feel? Ava had asked.

  Don’t let your fear rob you of your chance, Laken had urged her. It’s an empty life, Steph, being too afraid to love.

  Her so-called partner, a man she’d never seen before a few minutes ago, reached out to pull her close.

  Steph recoiled. When h
is grip tightened on her waist, she turned and used her elbow to get free.

  “Hey! What the hell did you do that for?”

  She could barely hear him and knew she couldn’t make clear what she didn’t know. All she was sure of was that she wanted out of here. Now. She turned to leave.

  “Hey, wait!” he yelled behind her, but Steph pushed her way through the crowd, her agitation increasing with every step. Clawing her way out, she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

  Finally, she made it to the edge, gasping for air, her heart pounding wildly.

  A lanky, pony-tailed biker appeared before her, eyes bleary. “Whassa matter, babe? Your date play rough? You can come with me.”

  She evaded his grasp and tried not to recall that once she might have gone with him. She had to get outside. Desperately. She couldn’t think, could barely breathe, she needed—

  Steph suddenly stopped, her mind catching up with the frenetic whirl she’d been in since Christmas.

  Gavin. She needed Gavin.

  Outside the building, she leaned against the wall for a second, stunned. She could have been with Gavin tonight, but she’d closed the door on him at Christmas.

  Because he’d said he loved her.

  Because he wanted her to say goodbye to a life of easy conquests and meaningless encounters.

  Because he’d asked her to belong to him.

  But how could she be sure she could make him happy? Sure, she could try to change. And she would, for Gavin. But she was thirty-six years old, and people her age didn’t change, not really. There was a purity in his heart she’d tarnish, if she ever got too close. She’d accepted it long ago. Born to be bad.

  So why didn’t she go back to that club and dance the night away?

  Because, she realized, she’d be less alone all by herself.

  How she wished she knew where Gavin was right now, so she could call him, just hear his voice. Let him sweet-talk her with that silver tongue of his.

  He might be at Ellie’s. She could try to call, but first she’d have to get where she could hear. Sixth Street was mayhem, this close to midnight.

  Her place was nearby. Steph began running, darting through the crowd, skirting the drunks, avoiding the hands poised to grab.

  Everyone wanted their midnight kiss. In years past, she’d shared many of them.